My Top Ten 'Shut Up!' Songs

10. Chas & Dave - Rabbit

Because I promised / threatened Dick Van Dyke.

One thing I never got about this song... when was the last time you saw rabbit in Sainsbury's?

9. The Coasters - Yakety Yak

Clive Anderson, all is forgiven.

8. Transvision Vamp - Tell That Girl To Shut Up

Look, I know you were expecting Shut Up by Madness, but I just didn't have room for it. Call it #11. If you're wondering how this made the chart when that didn't, the simple answer is... I never fancied Suggs when I was 16.

7. Elvis Presley - A Little Less Conversation

No need for the JXL version here when the original has a video (from the movie Live A Little, Love A Little) as groovy as this.

6. Talk Talk - Talk Talk

One day I might compile a list of songs named after the bands that sing them. Will this be Number One... or Living In A Box?

All you do to me is talk talk

5. Squeeze - Trust Me To Open My Mouth

I need a gobstopper to keep my trap shut
Should have kept my nose clean
Why's it me that gets the bad luck?

4. Deep Purple - Hush

Written by Joe 'Games People Play' South and originally recorded by Billy Joe Royal (no, me neither). You may be more familiar with the Kula Shaker version. I won't hold that against you.

3. The Smiths - Bigmouth Strikes Again

The next time Morrissey says something designed to get the collective knickers in a twist, everyone should consider one of his most honest lyrical declarations...

Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking
When I said I'd like to smash every tooth
In your head

Oh ... sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking
When I said by rights you should be
Bludgeoned in your bed

Bigmouth strikes again
And I've got no right to take my place
With the Human race

2. Elvis Costello - Mouth Almighty

One of my favourite Costello songs from his best album, Punch The Clock.

This town belongs to you and your tricks of confidence
All the pavements for miles around are littered with your footprints
Now every girl I get close to seems to be wearing your perfume
And the clock strikes the letters of your name
Both midnight and noon

I wish I'd never opened my mouth almighty...

1. Julian Cope - World, Shut Your Mouth

It may be flying in the face of fashion... but, beat this!



These are the songs I sing when I want someone to pipe down. Which one are you singing back at me right now?

My Top Ten ...In Wonderland Songs

Last post, we dealt with Songs About Alice... here's the obvious sequel.


10. James - Rabbit Hole

In which Tim Booth is late, always late.

9. Ash - Return Of The White Rabbit

Man, those are some chunky, funky guitars.

8. Milburn - Cheshire Cat Smile

They're not from Milburn, they're from Sheffield. Which probably explains why they sound so much like the Arctic Monkeys.

7. Julian Cope - Mock Turtle

And if you're a fan of Mock Turtles, I'm sure U Dig this.

6. The Beatles - I Am The Walrus

A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people.

5. Dave Edmunds - Queen Of Hearts

The joker ain't the only fool who'll do anything for you

4. XTC - Wonderland

Or, if you prefer, same title: different song from Big Country.

3. Elton John - Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters

Long before the tantrums and tiaras, the dirge for Diana, the ridiculous megastar pomposity... it's easy to forget that once upon a time, Elton John & Bernie Taupin wrote songs as beautiful as this one.

2. The Cure - Caterpillar

Not Mad Bob's only visit to Wonderland. He's no doubt got a season ticket.

1. Jefferson Airplane - White Rabbit

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice - when she's 10 feet tall

So those are the tunes that Carroll my Lewis... but which song sends you down the rabbit hole?

My Top Ten Alice... Songs

I was planning a Top Ten Alice In Wonderland Songs, but there were so many good tracks, I had to split them into two lists. Today then, Songs With Alice In The Title (not all of them the Wonderland girl, but most of them touched by her in one way or another). Next post... Wonderland (and its inhabitants).


10. Cocteau Twins - Alice

I should be a bigger Cocteau Twins fan than I am. They made some beautiful music in their time.

9. Smokie - Living Next Door To Alice

This might have made it higher up the chart, were it not for the 1995 remake featuring Roy 'Chubbie' Brown. Serious points deducted for that.

8. Sleeper - Alice In Vain

Alice in the playground
She ain’t got a boyfriend
Oh oh that’s a pity
She’s not even pretty
Alice hears them whisper
They smile when they see her
Oh, oh she’ll discover
Girls don’t hurt each other

7. The Sisters of Mercy - Alice

Alice in her party dress
She thanks you kindly
So serene
She needs you like she needs her tranqs

Sounding like a goth Bowie on this song, the mighty Andrew Eldritch. Where is he now? Still in the go, apparently. But with much shorter hair.

6. Alice Cooper - Hard Hearted Alice

Of course, Alice Cooper has made far better records, both as a band and as a solo artist. But this is the only one I could find with Alice in the title, so check it out. It's the mellow side of Coops... surprisingly sweet.

5. Ben Folds Five - Alice Childress

After many years as a solo artist, Ben has reformed the Ben Folds Five (all three of them) for a tour later this year. Not sure I can afford tickets, but it'd be great to see the band back together playing songs like this again.

4. Grinderman - Electric Alice

Don't the stars look good tonight
Thought Electric Alice
In the pale moonlight

From Nick Cave... to Stevie Nicks...

3. Stevie Nicks - Alice

Like Alice through the Looking Glass...
She used to know who she was

2. Terrorvision - Alice, What's The Matter?

Keighley's finest. Not that there's a whole lot of competition for that title.

1. Tom Waits - Alice

Written with Kathleen Brennan, Waits' dreamy song is dedicated to Alice Liddell, the girl who inspired Lewis Carroll to write Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.



Back soon with my 'In Wonderland' Top Ten... meanwhile, which song with Alice in the title sends you to Wonderland?

My Top Ten Robot Songs

10. Arling & Cameron - Dirty Robot

Covered by The Lemonheads featuring Kate Moss, which might have worked... had it come without the "featuring Kate Moss" bit.

9. The Aliens - Robot Man

The artists formerly known as The Beta Band with their anthem to robot dancing.

8. Go Kart Mozart - I Talk With Robot Voice

Lawrence (of Felt & Denim fame) returned earlier this year with a new album from his third band, including this wonderful hymn to alienation which has him bemoaning his uselessness at humanoid relationships before guiltily confessing: "Yet I admit I'm still susceptible to vaginas." When was the last time Gary Barlow wrote a lyric like that?

7. Guided By Voices - Tropical Robots

It's only 52 seconds long, but it's still quite lovely.

6. Kraftwerk - The Robots

The track which inspired this...

5. Daft Punk - Robot Rock,

...which in turn inspired this...

4. Flight Of The Conchords - Robots

Finally, robotic beings rule the world! The humans are dead...

Binary solo - 000000100001110000111000111111100001010!

3. The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots

Those evil-natured robots
they're programmed to destroy us
she's gotta be strong to fight them
so she's taking lots of vitamins

2. Robyn - Fembot

Once you gone tech you ain't never going back

Robyn's got robots on the brain. See also Robotboy and The Girl And The Robot (featuring Röyksopp).

1. Radiohead - Paranoid Android

I remember when this was released, the record company promoted it as Radiohead's answer to Bohemian Rhapsody. I still think that comparison holds true. Like Bo Rap, there's far more going on here than one song can usually hold... and yet, it works.

Back in my Championship Hearts playing days, I went by the moniker 'Marvin': the original Paranoid Android. Life - don't talk to me about life...



Those were the songs that get me robot-dancing... which one gives you a binary solo?

My Top Ten Lion Songs

10. Baddiel & Skinner & The Lightning Seeds - Three Lions

I like the Lightning Seeds. I like David Baddiel (though I always preferred Rob Newman). I even like Frank Skinner.

Football, though? Pfff.

9. PAPA - I Am The Lion King

It was this, or Circle Of Life. Hakuna matata, baby.

8. Lloyd Cole - To The Lions

Lloyd loses his job, his girl and his dignity (to a mean bartender) all in the same week.

You could send me to the lions tonight

7. First Aid Kit - The Lion's Roar

Great new band from Sweden, though if you close your eyes you'd think they were from the backwoods of the USA alongside Fleet Foxes and Bon Iver.

And the lion's roar, the lion's roar
Is something that I have heard before
A children's tale, the lonesome wail of a lion's roar

6. The Tokens - The Lion Sleeps Tonight

Of course, you may prefer the Tight Fit version.

Or even the R.E.M. one. (That's my favourite.)

5. Kate Bush - Oh England, My Lionheart

Sadly, those rumours of Kate performing live for the first time in 30+ years at the Olympics closing ceremony proved to be just that. Then again, considering the standard of the performances that night, it was probably for the best.

Oh! England, my Lionheart!
Peter Pan steals the kids in Kensington Park.
You read me Shakespeare on the rolling Thames
That old river poet that never, ever ends.
Our thumping hearts hold the ravens in
And keep the tower from tumbling.

4. Dry The River - Lion's Den

One of my favourite new bands of 2012. They're a little bit Elbow, but if you're going to wear your influences on your sleeve there are far worse...

This song is about a lonely tax collector who finds love. It sounds far sweeter than that description would have you believe.

3. Bob Marley & The Wailers - Iron Lion Zion

I'm on the run but I ain't got no gun

2. Mumford & Sons - Little Lion Man

The first Mumford song I ever heard and still my favourite. Not just for the wonderfully sweary chorus. It's become very fashionable of late to hate on the Mumfs, as usually happens when a band makes it big. Whatever their second album brings, I'll always love this song.

1. Billy Bragg - Life With The Lions

If "I hate the arsehole I become every time I'm with you" isn't one of the greatest opening lines ever, I don't know what is.



Many Lion Songs were left to slumber in the savannah sunshine during the compilation of this Top Ten. Did I exclude one of your favourites?

My Top Ten Memphis Songs

Thus begins an occasional series of Top Tens dedicated to songs about specific geographic locations...

According to those in the know, Memphis could well be the most-mentioned city in the whole of popular music. More songs have been written about - or refer directly to - Memphis than just about any other city in the world. The Memphis Rock 'n' Soul Museum keeps an ever expanding list of over 1000 Memphis-based tunes on its website.

For the purposes of this Top Ten, I stuck purely to songs that mention Memphis in the title... with one far-too-obvious exception.


10. Rufus Wainwright - Memphis Skyline

Rufus pays tribute to Jeff Buckley...

Turn back the wheels of time
Under the Memphis skyline
Always hated him for the way he looked
In the gaslight of the morning

9. The Pixies - Letter to Memphis

8. Old Crow Medicine Show - Motel in Memphis

Where you there when the man from Atlanta was murdered in Memphis?

A powerful tribute to Martin Luther King.

If you were there, you'd swear it was more than a man who died.

7. Mott The Hoople - All the Way from Memphis

Yeah it's a mighty long way down rock 'n' roll
From the Liverpool docks to the Hollywood Bowl
And you climb up the mountains And you fall down the holes
All the way from Memphis

Great piano.

6. Marc Cohn - Walking In Memphis

Not sure why I feel like I have to apologise for this one. I loved it so very much when it came out. Hey, I could have given you the Cher version!

5. Bob Dylan - Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again

Oh, Mama, can this really be the end?

4. The Hold Steady - Sequestered in Memphis

One of my favourite Hold Steady songs - testament to how many great Memphis songs there are that it only makes #4 in this list.

Craig Finn gets subpoenaed in Texas and sequestered in Memphis... and he's getting pretty sick of having to tell his story over and over again in the police interview room...

We didn't go back to her place
We went to some place where she cat-sits

Listen, coppers - he went there on business!

3. Paul Simon - Graceland

The obvious exception.

There is a girl in New York City
Who calls herself the human trampoline
And sometimes when I'm falling flying
Or tumbling in turmoil I say
Whoa so this is what she means
She means we're bouncing into Graceland,
And I see losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody feels the wind blow

2. Chuck Berry - Memphis, Tennessee

Listening to this track makes me wish I'd been alive in 1959 when rock 'n' roll was really kicking off.

1. The Colorblind* James Experience - I'm Considering A Move To Memphis

OK, it's definitely not the best song about Memphis - but I can't help that it's my favourite.

(*Spelled the way the band themselves would spell it, or the way the residents of Memphis would. Not the way a pedant like me would spell it, obviously.)

I'll get myself a motel room that's not too small to see
I'll get one with a private bath and a black and white TV
Memphis isn't all that big, at least that's how I found it
Why, it took only an hour and a half to walk completely around it
Memphis isn't all that big, it isn't all that wide
Still, it is the kind of place where a country boy can hide

Over 1000 Memphis songs to choose from - which is your favourite?

My Top Ten Smiths Songs

When I kicked off this new blog, Kelloggsville set me an impossible challenge: my 10 favourite Smiths songs?

Hardest. Top. Ten. Ever.

How do you narrow that peerless oeuvre down to just ten tracks?

Well, I gave it my best shot... though I'll probably change my mind as soon as I've pressed "publish".



10. Panic

A song for Steve Wright... and DJs everywhere.

9. Jeane

It was a toss-up in the obscure b-side stakes between this and Sweet And Tender Hooligan. Yet Jeane has a rawness to it that never grows tired, and it's also the best kitchen-sink lyric Morrissey ever wrote / stole. Better than most of the debut album it was rejected from, criminally unavailable on CD until 2008. And let's not forget Billy's version...

8. I Know It's Over

If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight?
And if you're so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very good-looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight?
I know...
'Cause tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they're in each other's arms...

7. Reel Around The Fountain

Morrissey at his most sexually mischievous. Slap me on the patio, indeed...

6. This Charming Man

An obvious choice, but it has an intro that would get me on the dancefloor at any indie disco... if I ever went to indie discos.

I would go out tonight
But I haven't got a stitch to wear

5. Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

Johnny at his most dramatic, Morrissey at his most pathetic (in the best sense of that word).

No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

4. Rusholme Ruffians

Perhaps a surprise choice, but I love that Johnny stole the riff from '(Marie's The Name) His Latest Flame', one of my favourite Elvis songs. And if the lyric doesn't take you back to the fairgrounds of your youth... you haven't lived.

3. Ask

Possibly the most positive, supportive, warmhearted song Moz ever wrote.

2. How Soon Is Now?

The guitar still sounds like nothing else ever recorded, a horror film soundtrack to the dark night of the teenage / twenty-something soul.

There's a club if you'd like to go
You could meet somebody
Who really loves you
So you go, and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home, and you cry
And you want to die

If you've never been to that club, you probably don't get The Smiths at all.

1. There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

Although this was the hardest Top Ten I've ever compiled, the Number One was never in doubt. Ironically, it was John Peel who changed my opinion of The Smiths from "whinging miserablists" to "best band in the world ever". Sadly, this epiphany occurred a couple of years after the group had split. I could really have used them in my corner when I was 14... but maybe I just hadn't earned them yet, baby.

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die

OK, that was my impossible selection. Which of your favourites did I exclude?

My Top Ten 'Not Enough' Songs

So, the Olympics is over and so are my Olympic Top Tens. If you'd asked me three weeks ago if I'd had enough of the Olympics yet, I'd probably have answered 'yes'. Yet, amazingly, I found myself suckered in, addicted to sports I've never had the remotest interest in before (not football though - I still found that dull). I'm really missing the Games now they're done - there's a hole in my life. I just couldn't get enough...

"Enough" is one of those words: the more you look at it, the weirder it looks. There's not enough time to list all my favourite Not Enough Songs, so Ten will just have to be... enough.


10. Patti Smythe & Don Henley - Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

Don Henley obviously can't ever get enough. See also Not Enough Love In The World and You're Not Drinking Enough.

9. The Clint Boon Experience - Not Enough Purple, Too Much Grey

It's the problem with the world today...

8. The Cure - Never Enough

The video (type-)casts Mad Bob McMad as the top turn in a David Lynch style freakshow.

7. Bad Company - Can't Get Enough

Well, I'll take whatever I want
And baby, I want you...

6. INXS - Not Enough Time

There certainly wasn't enough time for Michael Hutchence.

5. Depeche Mode - Just Can't Get Enough

You may have expected to find this at Number One... but although it is the Mode's most well known single, and a great singalong radio hit, it's not one of my favourites. The band have made far better records and this one's just a little over-played compared to the rest of their back catalogue. IMHO.

4. Dean Friedman - Love Is Not Enough

On the other hand, I can never have enough Dean Friedman. Beautiful stuff.

3. Sparks - This Town Ain't Big Enough For The Both Of Us

Sheer mental genius.

See also: Frank Turner's one man response song... This Town Ain't Big Enough For The One Of Me.

2. Kasey Chambers - Not Pretty Enough

The ultimate question of unrequited teenage love - "Am I not pretty enough? Why do you see right through me?" If you've never been there, count yourself lucky. Or arrogant and self-deluded.

1. Manic Street Preachers & Nina Persson - Your Love Alone Is Not Enough

One of the Manic's best ever singles, from a point in their career when most bands have given up trying so hard.



So... which song can't you get enough of?

My Top Ten Non-Olympic Sport Songs

One day, the Olympics will include all the following "sports" and more... then we'll all have the chance of a gold medal.


10. Luke Haines - Secret Yoga

At first I was a bit scared
Then I got this amazing feeling...

9. Admiral Fallow - Subbuteo

Just my luck, I found myself drawn against Feargal Sharkey's cousin Kevin. He flicked to kick and I didn't know.

8. Super Furry Animals - Frisbee

Forget Beach Volleyball - this is what the Olympics really needs!

7. The Long Blondes - Darts

I miss the Long Blondes... but the Long Blondes never miss when they're playing Darts!

6. Silver Sun - Cheerleading

Another band I miss terribly. The chunky guitar riffs and sweet harmonies in Cheerleading recall Mercury & May at their tightest. Silver Sun should have been massive.

5. Half Man Half Biscuit - Bad Losers On Yahoo Chess

See also Paintball's Coming Home.

4. Art Brut - Unprofessional Wrestling

Probably another metaphor for shagging.

3. Morrissey - Ouija Board, Ouija Board

And representing England / Ireland in the International Ouija Board Olympics... Stephen from Stretford. With a little help from Joan Sims and Kathy Burke.

2. Lana Del Rey - Video Games

In the future, the entire Olympics will be played on the Wii.

1. Camper Van Beethoven - Take The Skinheads Bowling

One day, I'll compile a Top Songs Bowling Songs, dude. This will, of course, be Number One.



Any other sport songs you'd like to see included in the Top Ten Olympics?

My Top Ten Olympic Sport Songs

I've already covered running, jumping, gymnastics, swimming and cycling... here are a few songs about the remaining Olympic sports.

10. The Magic Theatre - Rowing Boat Love Song

If you were wondering whatever happened to Dan Popplewell and Sophia Churney of Ooberman, here's your answer... and it's quite, quite lovely.

9. MC Hammer - Can't Touch This

Stop.

Hammer time!

8. Slow Club - Horses Jumping

A song that covers a number of sporting disciplines, including swimming, sprint, pool and horses jumping... out of a boat. Don't ask me.

7. Heartless Bastards - Marathon

We're all racing for our own reasons

6. Beach Boys - Sail On, Sailor

If you were expecting Rod Stewart... isn't this so much better?

5. Operator Please - (Just A Song About) Ping Pong

Don't you know beef jerky has an aftertaste?

4. Prefab Sprout - I Never Play Basketball Now

After that last unholy row
I never, ever play basketball now.
It joins the list of things I'll miss
Like fencing foils and lovely girls I'll never kiss.

3. Julian Cope - Trampolene

No gold medal for Julian's spelling.

2. Trashcan Sinatras - Weightlifting

Pumping iron never sounded so beautiful.

1. Ben Folds Five - Boxing

Boxing's been good to him...



So... which one's your Olympian?

My Top Ten Cycling Songs

For Sir Chris Hoy, Bradley Wiggins, Victoria Pendleton and the rest of Britain's amazing Olympic cycling team...

10. Nazareth - My White Bicycle

Yes, Nazareth.

9. Katie Melua - Nine Million Bicycles

Yes, Nazareth and Katie Melua - in the same Top Ten. Deal with it!

My favourite youtube comment about this video is: "I bet she needs to wash her hair now."

8. Anita Ward - Ring My Bell

Because I knew there'd be complaints if I didn't include it. Personally, I'd have rather have this.

7. The Maccabees - Bicycles

6. The Decemberists - Apology Song

Colin Meloy's apology is to his friend Steven. Colin was supposed to be looking after Steve's bike while Steve was in England but he didn't do a very good job. Somebody nicked it.

The bike was called Madeleine.

5. Elbow - Puncture Repair

4. Tom Waits - Broken Bicycles

Broken bicycles
Old busted chains
Rusted handle bars
Out in the rain.
Somebody must
Have an orphanage for
These things that nobody
Wants any more.

3. Kraftwerk - Tour De France

2. Ballboy - Olympic Cyclist

I should really have included this on my Top Ten Olympic Songs, but the truth is, despite having a fair chunk of Ballboy's back catalogue in my music collection, I hadn't heard this track until The Vinyl Villain featured it last week. Thanks, JC.

1. Queen - Bicycle Race

Yes, the video might appear sexist to our enlightened 21st Century eyes, but in its defence:

1) It was the 70s.

2) It was the brainchild of the gayest man in rock. (Freddie, I love you.)

3) Steve probably loves it.



No, I couldn't bring myself to include The Pushbike Song by The Mixtures. Give me a break, will you?

Apart from that... which song rings your bell?

My Top Ten Gymnastic Songs

10. Jill Sobule - Lucy At The Gym

OK, so strictly speaking, Lucy doesn't actually appear to be doing gymnastics at the
gym. But look at her ribs - they show through the spandex. And she's working so hard... to conquer her loneliness. Give her a break, will you?

9. Culture Club - I'll Tumble 4 Ya

Culture Club are one of those bands I hated at the time, yet I've grown to nostalgically respect over the years.

8. Dobie Gray - Out On The Floor

Classic Northern Soul belter.

7. The Divine Comedy - Can You Stand Upon One Leg?

(It's harder than you think.)

6. Depeche Mode - Get The Balance Right

You think you've got a hold of it all
You haven't got a hold at all
When you reach the top, get ready to drop
Prepare yourself for the fall, you're gonna fall

Nothing like a positive mental attitude.

5. David Bowie - Boys Keep Swinging

Worth watching the video to the end if you're a Kenny Everett fan.

4. Rocket From The Crypt - On A Rope

The video features puppies and goats. Not quite as rock 'n' roll as the song suggests.

3. Maximo Park - Acrobat

One of my favourites from this mob, perhaps because it reminds me of Belong by R.E.M.

I am not an acrobat,
I cannot perform these tricks for you,
Losing all my balance,
Falling from a wire made for you

2. Chairlift - Bruises

I tried to do handstands for you
But every time I fell on you

1. The Beatles - Twist & Shout

This is the first time I've ever given a Beatles song the Number One position, but while this may not be a Lennon & McCartney original, theirs is still the definitive version. I blame Ferris Bueller...



Those were my gymnastic classics... which one gets a 10.0 from you judges?

My Top Ten Swimming Songs

Sick of the Olympics yet?

10. Beth Jeans Houghton & The Hooves Of Destiny - Nightswimmer

9. Eels - Swimming Lesson

And if you feel like you can't swim
When you're thrown in the lake
Just watch the boats
Passin' by you as you
Slip under their wake
Again

8. Camera Obscura - Swimming Pool

7. The Hours - Dive In

And the temperature's the same
When you dip your toe into the icy lake
As when you
Dive in

6. JJ72 - October Swimmer

I want to be a happy boy

5. Dire Straits - Twisting By The Pool

What can I say - I'm a twisting fool...

4. Frank Turner - Front Crawl

I almost missed seeing Frank Turner perform I Still Believe as the warm-up for the Olympics opening ceremony - fortunately a tweet from Miller sent me running to the iPlayer and I was saved. Hope it brought him to a few new ears.

3. R.E.M. - Nightswimming

2. The Go-Betweens - Draining The Pool For You

1. Frightened Rabbit - Swim Until You Can't See Land

Are you a man or are you a bag of sand?

Those are the songs that get me twisting by the pool... but which one would make you dive in?

My Top Ten Jumping Songs

10. Broken Family Band - Leaps

I think this might be about energetic, acrobatic sex. I might be wrong. I usually am when it comes to that kind of thing.

9. Jethro Tull - Jump Start

Almost made my Top Ten Start Songs... then I decided to save it for here.

8. Whistler - Don't Jump In Front Of My Train

We both know you're not insane
So don't jump in front of my train

7. Joe Jackson - Jumpin' Jive

Jazz... nice. Not listened to this in years.

6. The Cure - Jumping Someone Else's Train

Don't say what you mean
You might spoil your face...

...is a wonderfully catty way to start a song.

5. Malcolm McLaren & The Bootzilla Orchestra featuring Lisa Marie - Something's Jumping In Your Shirt

Malcolm McClaren sounds like The Child Catcher on this. And most other times he opens his mouth too.

4. House of Pain - Jump Around

This song is now 20 years old. Yes, you are that old.

3. Van Halen - Jump

Hands up if you thought this would be Number One?

I could watch David Lee Roth muck about in music videos all day and never grow bored.

However, if you're too cool for poodle rock, may I direct you to Aztec Camera's reworking of this track as a suicide ballad... you might as well jump.

2. Billy Bragg - Waiting For The Great Leap Forwards

Mixing pop and politics
He asks me what the use is...
I offer him embarrassment
And my usual excuses

I almost gave Billy the Number One spot because this is one of his greatest ever songs... but then I listened to the track below again, and damn it, even the Bard of Barking couldn't argue this one...

1. The Rolling Stones - Jumpin' Jack Flash

It's a gas, gas, gas!

Which jumping song gets you jumping round the room?