Modern Life Is Rubbish #6: Fahrenheit 451

Utopia - Fahrenheit 451

You may well have heard the furore (or furfor, as we used to call it - a much better word in my mind) about the school library somewhere in Greater Manchester where almost 200 books have been banned and the librarian suspended after the senior leadership team used AI to check whether the contents of the shelves were "appropriate for children".

XTC - Books Are Burning

Among those books that were deemed inappropriate...

Becoming - the autobiography of Michelle Obama - due to ‘racism and political themes’.

The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks - because it is a ‘romantic drama about enduring love and memory loss’.

The Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer - because they contain ‘mature romantic themes, sexual tension, and violence involving vampires and werewolves’. Now if you'd banned them because they were rubbish... but no, not even that. I'd rather kids were reading rubbish than not reading at all. 

McCarthy - Should The Bible Be Banned?

This all kicked off because someone complained that the school library stocked the non-fiction book  Men Who Hate Women by Laura Bates - doubtless a reaction based on the title alone. The book is actually a serious examination of incel culture, and rather than being banned it should probably be a set text for young teenage lads across the country, to prevent them from ever taking the Red Pill.

Of course, there's one book that was selected as unsuitable which should come as no surprise to anyone... George Orwell's 1984. Proof, if ever proof were needed, that our AI overlords will never grasp the concept of irony.

I could rage against the machine, but what's the use? This is just the beginning...

Open your eyes and see

The world I couldn't change for you

Reach out your hand and take

The world that will belong to you

We were on our way to a better day

And the spirit was in us all

But as time went by we fell by the wayside

Maybe you'll be the last to fall

You are the only ones

There is nobody left but you

You are the chosen ones

There is nobody else to choose

Back when I was young, my hope was strong

But the time blew it all to hell

If I thought I knew what was good for you

I would have gone and done it for myself

Worlds of tomorrow

Life without sorrow

Take it because it's yours

Sons of 1984

I can still see the great panorama of hate

Being cleansed by our loving hands

But the brothers broke stride, the sisters cried

Now you have to start all over again

Bono Wednesdays #1

Made you look.

Yes, it's that bloody day again.

Let's just get through it, shall we, and back to more normal pursuits?

Whenever I think of Sonny Bono, after I've thought about his time with Cher, and how he might not have been the nicest guy for her to hang out with... my second thought is always "Lake Tahoe". Purely because I have the location of his death engraved in my memory because of the song below...

Who says pop music never teaches you anything?

Namesakes #182: April March

Today is the final day of March, tomorrow the first of April. To celebrate, here are a small number of artists (still - quite amazing that there's more than one) with both April and March in their name...

APRIL MARCH #1

Not a musician, but it would be remiss of me not to include the original April March, "The First Lady of Burlesque", a headline act across the world from 1952 till her retirement in '78 (she gave up because the stripping business had become "too blatant and sexual"). Born Velma Fern Worden, she was married eight times (and briefly engaged to Mel Torme), almost became a pro golfer, and made a comeback in 2006, aged 71. She died last year.

If none of the others take your fancy this week, I'm sure Velma will appreciate your vote.

AN APRIL MARCH #2

Next up, a Canadian shoegaze / dream pop band, active between '89 and '99, originally called The Whittingtons. Compared to  many of this week's acts, they at least play proper music... I just can't find much more info about them without doing a deep dive, and I already spent far too much time this week looking for a video of #1 performing in her heyday. (I'll save you the trouble - none seem to exist.)

An April March - Scarlett Bliss

APRIL MARCH #3

New Yorker Elinor Lanman Blake is a  writer, illustrator and animator who has worked on The Ren & Stimpy Show, Pee-Wee's Playhouse and the Madonna movie Who's That Girl. She also did the illustrations for a children's book written by Jack White named after his song We're Going To Be Friends.

As a musician, she goes by the name April March, first in her band the Pussywillows, and then as a solo artist. As a self-confessed Francophile, she's rather partial to a bit of Serge, and she's probably most well known for her cover of Gainsbourg's Chick Habit which featured in the soundtrack to Quentin Tarantino's movie Death Proof.

April March - Chick Habit

APRIL MAY MARCH #4

See what they did there? I mean, really, if it was a busier week, I wouldn't include this at all. And also, it's filed under "experimental" on the camp of bands, and that's never a recommendation.

April May March - The Badger

Trust me though, it might not be the most bizarre thing you hear this week. Because...

APRIL MARCH #5

Because... this week's WTF offering was dropped onto the camp of bands in 2020. It's a recording of some woman sitting in her car eating a granola bar, while talking to you in a breathy whisper. If that's the sort of thing that gets you engine revving, you can buy it for the low price of one American dollar. Others might prefer to go back to #1 for their titillation.

I'm hoping April's got a real job in the last six years and this isn't her only source of income.

April March - My Boyfriend

 

Have we got time for a bonus track, just to make up the numbers?

MARCH ONTO APRIL

Stretching the rules to breaking point, but at least it means we get to close today with a proper tune. This Florida-based band from the last decade "blend many different moods and tones of emo, Alternative, and pop punk." Nothing experimental, no granola bars, and they keep their clothes on the whole time.

March Onto April - Postcards From Greece

Which one makes you want to March into April... and which are just March-April Fools?

The Enigma of CD #87: Part 4

More tracks from another randomly chosen CD compilation. The purpose of these CDs wasn't to show off my cool (ha!), eclectic tastes... it was just to expose my son to a wide a variety of old pop music as possible in his formative years, before I lost him to spotle-fy.

Track 11: The Fratellis - Chelsea Dagger

Confession time: I find The Fratellis a bit annoying. And most of the time, I find Chelsea Dagger, their biggest hit, very annoying. Actually, I’m not sure I can remember any of their other songs, but this one… it’s hard to get away from. Because of the yobbish terrace anthem chorus which, the more I hear it, the more I can’t help but think, “Knees up, Mother Brown!”

I was therefore surprised to discover that the Fratellis are, to quote George, Weegies. I would have sworn they were Landahners, like the Libertines who they clearly owe a sizable debt to. I also didn’t know that they took their band name from The Goonies. Clearly I need to watch The Goonies again. I did know that they called their debut record Costello Music, but apparently that has nothing to do with Elvis, it’s just the name of an old studio they used to rehearse in.

Why are they here if I don’t care for them that much? I guess because I thought this would be the kind of easy-to-singalong indie gubbins that might stick in Sam’s head and persuade him that guitar music was the way forward rather than Juice WRLD, Imaginary Dragons and Youngboy With A Broken Neck.

All those efforts were ultimately in vain…

 

12: Fine Young Cannibals - Good Thing

Is it better to burn out than fade away? The Fine Young Cannibals burned very brightly in the late 80s, and they were a band I had a lot of time for while I was otherwise falling out of love with the singles chart. Turns out that Roland Gift and his two mates – Andy Cox and Davis Steele, both formerly of The Beat – had even greater success in the US where both this song and its predecessor, She Drives Me Crazy, were Billboard Number Ones.

And then, by 1992 it was all over. Two albums, a clutch of hit singles, then the pressure of fame, musical differences, the same old story. Maybe it’s better they went out on top rather than the slow decline that kills so many bands.

 

13: The Clash - London Calling

Some of you will be wondering how I could do 87 CDs before getting to The Clash’s best song. 

The Clash are a harder sell than The Jam or The Undertones – maybe they’re a more mature proposition? Or maybe they just didn’t have tunes that were quite as catchy? Should I Stay… and the Bobby Fuller Four cover (originally recorded by a post-Buddy Crickets) had already featured by the time I got to this one, but after that there was a long gap and I’ve only recently started adding less obvious Clash songs to Sam’s compilations… long after I pretty much exhausted the early Weller output.

Or, to put it another way, London Calling is a far, far better song than Chelsea Dagger. But I bet if you played them both to the average eight year old and asked them which they prefer, Joe and Mick would be going home with second prize.

 

14: Dobie Gray - The In Crowd

I wonder if I included this one as a subtle hint at a moral message? “Don’t worry about getting in with The In Crowd, son. Just find people who accept you as you are.” That’s a lesson I’m still trying to learn as my regular carping about not being one of the cool kids on the blogosphere will clearly show.

Dobie Gray, of course, wants to be part of The In Crowd… so actually, the message is the opposite of the one I’d like Sam to learn. Did Dobie ever get to be part of that auspicious group himself? Well, he came from nowhere, born to Texas sharecroppers – there’s even a question over his real name… was it Lawrence Darrow Brown or Leonard Victor Ainsworth? He then achieved a fair bit of success over a fair few years… most notably with the song Drift Away, a hit both in 1973 and again in 2003 when it was covered by country-rap-rock dude Uncle Kracker* who took it back into the US Top 10, with Dobie on guest vocals.

(*I was unfamiliar with Uncle Kracker until today. He looks like that kid you went to school with who started working in McDonalds in the Sixth Form... and he's still working there.)

When he died in 2011, Dobie left 100% of his musical assets and royalties to charity. Surely that qualifies him for membership of a very select group, even better than The In Crowd?

Snapshots #441 - Songs About Bodies Of Water

This is the late River Phoenix. I was going to put his picture up here yesterday, but I figured it'd make the link too easy. I have to be so careful with you guys. Instead, I went with Mr. Bragg because...

Billy Bragg - Body Of Water

Here are some more songs about that. Hope you can swim.

15. A Guy Named... Jarvis?

A Guy Named Joe meets another Sheffield Cocker.

I can't believe that this is the first time Joe Cocker has ever appeared on this blog.

Joe Cocker - Delta Lady

14. What Mark Knopfler wore round his head.

He wore a headband.

The Band - Up On Cripple Creek

13. Don't challenge him to fisticuffs.

Louis Armstrong - Canal Street Blues

12. Charlton Heston was their President.

Charlton was the President of the National Rifle Association.

The Gun Club - The Straits of Love & Hate

11. Jog round the oil platform.

Runrig - Loch Lomond

10. Sweeter than The Who's Magic.

The Who had a Magic Bus.

Honeybus - Cross Channel Ferry

9. Climbing without ropes, where Jason Bateman got into trouble.

Jason Bateman starred in The Ozark. Good show. You should give it a watch.

Ozark Mountain Daredevils - Arroyo

8. All Amish wink... but in a funny way.

Hank Williams - Jambalaya (On the Bayou)

7. How I feel when I discover the price of fuel has gone up again.

That Petrol Emotion - Swamp

6. Young tearaways in the country capital.

Nashville Teens - How Deep Is The Ocean?

5. Blackburn, Orlando and Montana are all sad places.

Bluetones - Down at the Reservoir

4. Verstappen seen in the cemetery.

Max... by graves.

Max Bygraves - Gilly Gilly Ossenfeffer Katzenellen Bogen By The Sea

3. Full Monty star becomes more impressive.

Grand (Mark) Addy.

Grandaddy - The Crystal Lake 

2. Where a Scottish Queen met her maker.

Mary Queen of Scots was beheaded in...

Fotheringhay - The Pond & The Stream

1. Bernice's pet rung the doctor: "Help, Doctor, I'm all in a tizzy!"

"Bernice's pet rung" was an anagram.

Bruce Springsteen - The River

Let the water carry you back here next Saturday for more Snapshots.

Saturday Snapshots #441

I don't want to change the world. I'm not looking for a new England. I'm just looking for another edition of Snapshots... and here it is!

Who are these people and how are their songs connected?

15. A Guy Named... Jarvis?

14. What Mark Knopfler wore round his head.

13. Don't challenge him to fisticuffs.

12. Charlton Heston was their President.

11. Jog round the oil platform.

10. Sweeter than The Who's Magic.

9. Climbing without ropes, where Jason Bateman got into trouble.

8. All Amish wink... but in a funny way.

7. How I feel when I discover the price of fuel has gone up again.

6. Young tearaways in the country capital.

5. Blackburn, Orlando and Montana are all sad places.

4. Verstappen seen in the cemetery.

3. Full Monty star becomes more impressive.

2. Where a Scottish Queen met her maker.

1. Bernice's pet rung the doctor: "Help, Doctor, I'm all in a tizzy!"

You can Bragg about how well you've done tomorrow morning.

Another Day #8: Quirky Country Music Song Title Day

Step aside, World Theatre Day.

Hold my beer, International Scribble Day.

Heartfelt apologies to Wear A Hat Day, National Skipping Day, International Whisk(e)y Day and National Spanish Paella Day.

And as for National Viagra Day... well, I just couldn't get up much enthusiasm.

They all pale into insignificance next to Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day. I don't make them up, I just write them down.

The website I visited suggested a few, starting with a bonafide classic...

The Indelicates do a great version of that too. But I can't find it online.

Johnny Cash - Flushed from the Bathroom of Your Heart 

Roger Miller - You Can’t Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd 

Bobby Bare - Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

Jerry Reed - She Got the Goldmine (I Got the Shaft)

Here are a few more favourites...

Orville Peck & Margo Price - You're An Asshole, I Can't Stand You And I Want A Divorce

Randy Hazlick, MD (Dr Rock) - I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

Travis Tritt - Here's A Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)

Zoe Muth - If I Can't Trust You With a Quarter (How Can I Trust You With My Heart?)

Gary Stewart - She's Acting Single, I'm Drinking Doubles

I tried looking up a song called I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling, but all I got from the tube of you was this...

So here's something a little more cheerful to close. 

Feel free to add your favourites in the Comments.

Cancel Culture Club #8: In The Summertime

Welcome back to the feature where distinguished members of the blogosphere decide whether certain dodgy-opinion-voicing records of the past deserve to be cast into Room 101 (or sent into exile, which as I'm sure you'll know, if you've read 1984 rather than just watched the BBC show with that name, is a very different thing).

Eurythmics - Room 101

After last month's weighty debate about whether domestic abuse should be excused via the medium of popular song, I thought I'd choose something a bit lighter this month. Of course, the danger of that was that nobody would have much of an opinion either way... or, as Swiss Adam put it, "I can't really come up with anything for Mungo Jerry - I'm pretty ambivalent about it."

Membership of the Cancel Culture Club is on an unpaid, and entirely voluntary basis. So if you ain't got no opinion, you are fully entitled to say that and watch the tumbleweed blow across your screen. But before we see if anyone did have strong feelings one way or t'other, let's remind ourselves of this month's defendant...

When I initially searched the web for "songs that should be cancelled", this was one that initially had me scratching my head. A radio staple from my youth - what could possibly cause offence? 

C from Sun-Dried Sparrows... can you answer that question?

I'd almost forgotten about this one, sorry! But I think it's because 'In The Summertime' doesn't elicit any strong response in me other than the memories of hearing this so much as a kid and being mesmerised by Ray Dorset's sideburns on ToTP performances.  I'd never seen anyone like him.  I've never really given it much thought other than to accept it as one of those catchy, singalong, happy sounding songs, part of the soundtrack to  my childhood.  And, apologies, but to use words that come up so frequently in this series, it's another one of those that's very of its time.  Maybe we're being more conditioned to take things literally now, but to me this song is just too lightweight for the lyrics to be of concern that way.

Therefore - yes, it references drinking and driving, it's laddish and hedonistic, but it's just not a song to be taken seriously on any level. so I wouldn't cancel it.   

I'd cancel his sideburns, but that's just me.

(I think their follow-up 'Baby Jump' may give more cause for alarm - although it's a great grungey track!)

Mungo Jerry - Baby Jump

Baby Jump? What on earth's wrong with that, C?

She wears those micro-mini dresses

Hair hanging down her back

She wears those see-through sweaters

She likes to wear her stockings black

And if I see her tonight

You can bet your life, I'll attack

Oh.

OK.

Did I choose the wrong song this month?

She got beautiful teeth

A toothpaste ad-man's dream

She got a beautiful form

The best I've ever seen

I'm gonna get her tonight

I don't care where she been

On second thoughts - "a toothpaste ad-man's dream"? I hope that's not your best chat up line, Ray. Or you're definitely going home alone tonight.

The Maccabees - Toothpaste Kisses

Anyway, back to In The Summertime. I was just about to draw the shutters down on this particularly uninspiring edition of the Cancel Culture Club when a last minute missive flopped through my virtual letterbox. And boy oh boy... it was a doozy.

Joe Jackson - Rant And Rave

A hearty welcome back to SWC from No Badger Required...

There are a lot of things wrong with ‘In the Summertime’.  Obviously, there are the lyrics, but I’ll come back to them.  But before all that, you’ve got the awful plinky plonky piano nonsense that is trundling along in the background and the stupid noises that Ray Dorset makes across the song and all his grunts and groans that make it sound like he is dry humping his pillow during the closing bits of the song – all that I suppose is bad enough to cancel not only this song, but the band, their entire back catalogue and most of the seventies with it.  Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if ‘In The summetime’ erm, popped up in one of those awful ‘Confessions…’ films starring Robin Asquith.

Anyway, let’s look at the lyrics, which were, even 50 years ago, depressingly stalkerish.  You can imagine some crazed sex offender playing this track as he packed his little rape kit up and stuck it in the back of his Ford Anglia.

It starts, ok:

 

In the summertime, when the weather is high 

You can stretch right up and touch the sky.

There is not much wrong with that to be fair, although I’m not sure how weather can be high, but we can skip over that. It’s the, well, rest of it that is a bit squirmy.

When the weather's fine

You got women, you got women on your mind 

Have a drink, have a drive 

Go out and see what you can find

Hmm, women on your mind, eh, well we’ve probably all been there, but have a drink, have a drive, go out and see what you can find….  I’ll refer you back to my line about the crazed sex offender and his Ford Anglia. It, unbelievably, gets worse.

If her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal, 

If her daddy's poor, just do what you feel.  

Speed along the lane, do a ton or a ton and twenty-five. 

When the sun goes down 

You can make it, make it good in a lay-by

So….Ray….rich girls, needs to be spoiled, before they let you have your wicked way, but those poor working class lasses, well they’ll probably put out for 50p and a bag of grapes,  right??!?  

You can tell he's the South West Correspondent. "Bag of grapes"? How posh is that. It'd be a bag of chips where I come from, lad. 

Personally, I'm always impressed that they managed to get the word "lay-by" into a song, with all its sordid connotations. I was going to look if I could find any songs about dogging, but I decided to not risk putting that term into my search engine.

Porcupine Tree - Heartattack In A Layby

Apologies, SWC. Do continue...

But not content with a planned molesting of a some really unfortunate female, you are also going to scare the life out of her by driving at a hundred and twenty fives miles a hour, after ‘having a drink’ and then pull into some layby for a bit of how’s your father…I’ll refer you back to my comment about Robin Asquith…

But its ok, folks, because Ray has a philosophy….Oh goody.

We're not grey people, we're not dirty, we're not mean. 

We love everybody, but we do as we please.  

When the weather's fine, we go fishing or go swimming in the sea.  

We're always happy, life's for living

Yeah, that's our philosophy

Not quite sure which school of philosophy that comes from, possible Foucault and his Idea of Top Down Coercion or maybe Kant’s lesser known Theory of Blatant Misogynistic Bollocks. 

Ray – love – you are grey, you are dirty and you are pretty mean.  I don’t care if you love everybody, you really can’t do as you please, not now, not then.  That’s why Dave Lee Travis can’t be on the radio anymore, he had that attitude and it wasn’t cool.  Stick to your fishing and your swimming, at least then might get washed away by a rogue tidal wave.   

Ah, I do love a good rant. They're the very oxygen this feature lives by. So thank you to SWC for that - and the rest of you, with your mild ambivalence: look what you're missing.

We might do another one of these next month. Or this might really be the last gasp. That's my philosophy.

The Enigma of CD87: Part 3

Continuing the trawl through another of the randomly selected (by Martin) in-car CDs I created to ensure my song had a decent knowledge of popular music before he got too old to listen to his Dad's crap...

Track 8: The Lemonheads - Alison's Starting To Happen

Over at No Badger Required, the esteemed gentleman known as SWC has been counting down Rock’s Greatest artists beginning with the letter E. All his blogging chums were asked to vote, and naturally a lot of my own choices fell by the wayside (I didn’t expect the Eagles to make it into the Top 20, but I was generally wounded by one voter's opinion that ELO were "the worst band in the world… apart from Queen"). Still, such is the nature of democracy… which goes a long way towards explaining why Donald Trump has been elected President of the USA twice, while Bruce Springsteen hasn’t even been nominated. Whenever SWC asks for my votes, I always feel unworthy of giving them, like I’m being invited to play for the school football team only so that the jocks can have a good laugh at my expense. But enough of my insecurities… what does all this have to do with the Lemonheads?

Well, Mr. L-Head himself, Evan Dando, got enough votes to make #12 on the list, though I doubt that was for his one solo album, Baby I’m Bored, released in 2003… chances are it had far more to do with his band. Sadly, his high ranking in the list arrived shortly after a sordid news report revealed that Evan had been checked into a mental health hospital following sexually inappropriate behaviour via video messaging. In light of that, SWC took the decision to suspend any celebration of Mr. Dando’s work… and while I understand that completely… for the benefit of this feature, art will always be separate from artists. Which I’ll remind you all when the Manchester Miserabilist makes an inevitable appearance at some point in the future.

Alison’s Starting To Happen was one of many stand-out tracks on the Lemonheads’ breakthrough album, It’s A Shame About Ray, released in 1992. I played that CD till the paint wore off back in the day, and I’ll still be playing it even if they never let Evan out of the nuthouse. (As someone who works in the field of mental health, I feel qualified to use that term in ironic fashion without any offence being intended.) If you’d asked me before today, I’d have told you that Alison… was the lead single. Pff – shows what I know. It was never released as a single. Well, it should have been.

 

Track 9: Lobo - Me & You & A Dog Named Boo

When evaluating these CDs, you must keep in mind that my aim was to engage a youngster. Although I’ve kept a spreadsheet (Alyson will be proud) of the track-list of every CD I’ve created (to prevent repetition), it doesn’t contain the date I brought them into the world. I’m guessing Sam would have been about 8 or 9 when I made this one, so a song called Me & You & A Dog Named Boo would surely appeal? I wonder if it coincided with us getting our own dog, Bertie? Possibly not, CD87 probably came first.

Lobo’s real name was Roland Kent LaVoie and he started out in a band called The Rumours, playing alongside Gram Parsons and Jim ‘Spiders & Snakes’ Stafford. He also played in bands called US Male, The Uglies, and the Other Guys… all of which I’ve added to my Namesakes to-do list. He enjoyed a fair bit of success in the early 70s on both sides of the pond, and although that faded as the 80s approached, he would later become inexplicably popular in Asia, so I guess the bills were still paid.

 

Track 10: Dave Berry - Little Things

I’ve no idea why I included this one – it’s not really a favourite, and pretty forgotten when it comes to 60s hits. It’s a jaunty enough little number, raised above the average for me by the “You know…” refrain. But there are far better songs on CD 175, which I’m just putting the finishing touches to. Maybe I’d heard it on the radio at the time or something.

Dave Berry came from Sheffield, and had a short run of hits in the mid-60s, starting with a cover of Chuck Berry’s Memphis, Tennessee… which was the only time that song ever made it into the UK charts. Frankly, that’s scandalous because the Chuck Berry version should have been Number One for a year.

Little Things was one of Dave’s three biggest hits – the other two being The Crying Game and Mama. They all reached #5. Bobby Goldsboro wrote and recorded the original Little Things, a Top 20 hit in the States the same year Dave took it into the UK Top Ten.

Dave was no relation to Chuck, Mike or Nick. Actually, his real name was David Holgate Grundy, but as far as I can tell he’s not related to Bill or Solomon either. Iffypedia tells me that whenever he appeared on TV, he attempted to perform with his face hidden, “to stay behind something and not come out" – his upturned collar and the microphone stand are mentioned as props used to achieve this unlikely end. 

He also runs an antique shop. Or he did. He's 87 now, so hopefully taking it easy.

Track 11: The Kinks – Apeman

I don’t think the mix is particularly great on this CD – after a solid run of 80s and 90s tunes, there’s a big chunk of older songs in the middle. I normally prefer to jump between the eras a bit more… I wonder if this particular CD was a little rushed, with not enough attention paid to balance?

Anyway, you can’t go wrong with The Kinks, and Apeman is bound to appeal to kids with its silly, singalong chorus. Like a lot of Ray Davies’ more offbeat hits, it seems throwaway at first, but its message is more profound than you expect… and just as relevant today as it was back then.

I think I'm so educated and I'm so civilized
'Cause I'm a strict vegetarian
But with the over-population and inflation and starvation
And the crazy politicians
I don't feel safe in this world no more
I don't want to die in a nuclear war
I want to sail away to a distant shore and make like an apeman

Apeman was the follow-up single to Lola in 1970, and it appeared on the 8^th Kinks album, Lola Versus Powerman and the Moneygoround, Part One, which is surely in the upper echelon of album titles.

In 2018, the Daily Torygraph apparently judged it the second greatest Kinks song, with one proviso: “Although the reggae-infused piano on the track is still delicious more than 40 years later, the combination of Ray Davies's faux-Caribbean accent and his 'apeman' references are not exactly politically correct these days.” Any thoughts on that from the Cancel Culture Club Committee?

Not sure how the fur coats from the video would be received these days either...

Namesakes #181: The Secrets

Shhh!

I've got a Secret for you this week.

Well, lots of Secrets, actually.

Don't tell anyone...

THE SECRETS #1

Let's kick off in 1960 with the wonderfully monikered Hollis Champion and his Secrets. A little after this recording, Hollis would move to Nashville and change his name to Elmer Fudpucker where he would enjoy a long career making comedy records. I prefer his original name.

Hollis Champion & The Secrets - Ol' Red Devil

THE SECRETS #2

Next up, let's have some twangy surf rock from 1962, shall we? I don't know what the big deal is about having a twin exhaust - me, I want my car to make less noise, not more!

The Secrets - Twin Exhaust

THE SECRETS #3

In early 1963, members of Philadelphia band The Fabulous Four joined singer Carlo Gerace for an equestrian jamboree...

Carlo & The Secrets - Pont Party

THE SECRETS #4

A Cleveland, Ohio, girl group who made the US Top 20 in 1963 with a song about falling for the boy next door... even though he's a bit of a git, by all accounts. I'd keep well away, if I were you, ladies.

The Secrets - The Boy Next Door

THE SECRETS #5

Still in '63, Colleen Kaye has a shameful secret - what did she do with Joey's diamond ring?

Colleen Kaye & The Secrets - Joey's Diamond Ring

THE SECRETS #6

From Kidderminster in the mid-60s came our next set of Secrets - also billed as Martin Raynor And The Secrets and later Simon's Secrets... though it appears most of their songs were written by soon-to-be-solo-star Clifford T. Ward. Although he became known for more heartfelt ballads in the 70s, it turns out Ward had a cheeky sense of humour in his younger days, as demonstrated on lyrics like this one...

The Secrets - I Think I Need the Cash

THE SECRETS #7

Canadian Secrets from 1966, led by one Douglas Rankine. He got top billing on the tune below, but after that kept his name a Secret. This one, a novelty song about a hockey player, made it to number one on CHUM Radio in Toronto for two weeks. Pedigree!

The Secrets - Clear The Track, Here Comes Shack

THE SECRETS #8

Milwaukee garage band from '66...

The Secrets - I Know It's You

THE SECRETS #9

A couple of years back (how time flies!), George treated us to a Strangers Namesakes. Number #14 on his list were a group of New Zealand Strangers, featuring future Uriah Heep bassist, Gary Thain. When Gary left The Strangers, he moved to Australia and became part of The Secrets. After that, he joined The New Nadir, who were very popular in Switzerland. Then he played at Woodstock with the Keef Hartley Band. Then he joined the Heep. Don't tell me I don't do the research if it's there to be done. 

The Secrets - You're Wrong

THE SECRETS #10

Also in 1966, these Secrets (also known as the Wooden Nickels) were recording in LA, and featured Brenda Holloway and her sister Patrice on vocals. Brenda was also signed to Motown at the time, so there's some debate online about whether she sang this in... erm... Secret... to keep Berry Gordy in the dark. The tune was later resurrected by the Wigan Casino DJs.

The Secrets - I Feel A Thrill Coming On

THE SECRETS #11

Swedish Secrets from '66 - can we say sibilance? This was the B-side to their cover of one of my least favourite Beatles songs.

The Secrets - If You Hear Me Knockin' 

THE SECRETS #12

1966 was a big year for Secrets. Here's some from Baton Rouge, fronted by Lee Tillman. Another tune that was later revived by the Northern Soul scene.

Lee Tillman & The Secrets - She's The One I Love

THE SECRETS #13

Dutch pop group who started in the late 60s singing background vocals and TV soundtracks before graduating to the "big" time...

The Secrets - Suzanne Suzanne

THE SECRETS #14

German Secrets from sometime in the 60s. They had some Kinks records in their collection.

The Secrets - Unfold Her Longing Heart

THE SECRETS #15

Psychedelic Secrets from the Netherlands in 1969. Impressively, for the time, they even shot their own video.

The Secrets - Poor Strong Night

THE SECRETS #16

We're clearly in the 70s now - there's more than whiff of Bay City Rollers about these UK Secrets.

The Secrets - Sha La Ley

THE SECRETS #17

Disco/soul floor filler from 1975 - further information lost to the grubby disco floors of yore.

The Secrets - (Baby) Save Me 

THE SECRETS #18

Kansas City Secrets, first whispered about in 1979. Always got a soft spot for Power Pop.

The Secrets - It's Your Heart Tonight

THE SECRETS #19

Canadian punks from 1980, featuring Freddie Pompeii on vocals.

The Secrets - Teenage Rampage

THE SECRETS #20

Californian Secrets from 1980, featuring a Mr. Jack Hammer on drums. I'd love it if that was his real name.

The Secrets - Wishful Thinking

SECRETS #21

Another disco tune, from the US in 1981, though it may or may not have been a hit in Japan. The only band member listed in discogs is Israeli-born musician Noam Kaniel, who it appears went on to become a composer for TV cartoon soundtracks, including Power Rangers, The Fantastic Four and He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.

Secrets - Mr. Boogie Man

SECRETS #22

1983 brings us this "AOR Pomp Hard Rock band from Texas". Don't ask me: sometimes I just copy and paste.

Secrets - Last Man On Earth 

THE SECRETS #23

Californian Secrets who desperately wanted to be Duran Duran in 1984. Didn't we all?

The Secrets - Girls Will Be Girls

THE SECRETS #24

12 inches of 1985 dance-soul from Chicago... I hope you like it.

Secrets - I Like It

THE SECRETS #25

Country rock Secrets from 1985 Massachusetts...

The Secrets - Ways I Forget About You

SECRETS #26

Funky New York jazz instrumentalists from 1986, competitors in the Budweiser Showdown Tournament Of Jams. Not sure if they won.

Secrets - After Hours

THE SECRETS #27

Our sole 90s Secrets hail from Massapequa, New York.

The Secrets - (Just A) Dream

THE SECRETS #28

Racket-making Secrets from Virginia in the year the computers didn't all die like we expected them to. Lead singer Stevie was also in bands called Big Bobby And The Nightcaps, Pearl Schwartz, Pt109, The Bomb Pops, The Devil Dogs, The Dirty Fingers, The Vikings, The Matadors, The Villains and... best of all... Adam West. It turns out there are quite a few Adam Wests in rock 'n' roll, so I may have to look into that further.

Stevie & The Secrets - Who's Walkin' Who

THE SECRETS #29

Australian Secrets who may well have been around in the 80s, but released this in 2002...

The Secrets - Claudette Jones

THE SECRETS #30

Boston-based Secrets from 2002 with an unseasonal song. Surely if they waited for the snowploughs, their journey would be a lot easier?

The Secrets - Get Here Before The Snowploughs Do

THE SECRETS #31

More Australian Secrets, from 2007, led by JC himself... Johnny Casino, that is.

Johnny Casino & The Secrets - Take Me Down To Your River

THE SECRETS #32

The Secrets of Dorset... revealed in 2008.

The Secrets - Wild River

SECRETS #33

Metalcore / post-hardcore... I'm never sure how the suffix "-core" gets used in musical terms... is it the same as "-gate" in politics? SECRETS (they insist on ALL CAPS, apparently) came from San Diego in 2010 and despite "line-up instability", appear to be still going. Although they may or may not have lost their "clean" vocalist. These kinds of bands tend to employ both "clean" and "unclean" vocalists... take a listen and I'm sure you'll be able to spot the difference. One of them sounds like he's singing, the other one sounds like he needs an exorcist.

Secrets - Somewhere In Hiding

THE SECRETS #34

And finally today, some New Found Secrets... well, the came from Newfoundland in 2014.

The Secrets - Shack Shake

I'll let you into a secret. There were more than 33. A lot more. But after a while, I lose the will to live.

Which is your secret favourite... and which ones would you prefer I'd kept Secret?