I feel like I spend more time in these countdowns justifying my choices than actually talking about the records themselves. And here we are again...
1. Half Man Half Biscuit - All Asimov and No Fresh Air
I mean, what does it say about me that my favourite record of the year is one that starts like this...?
Horror Clowns are dickheads
You know it’s true
And if you’ve got a phobia of them
You’re a dickhead too
Chainsaw-wielding evil freaks who chase you through the station
Or just some boring no-accounts with poor imagination
I spent a lot of time justifying the fact that I chose their last album, The Voltarol Years, as my favourite album of 2022 because there was a newfound maturity and sensitivity to Nigel Blackwell's songwriting that lifted the band one step beyond the "comedy post-punk" label they've been saddled with their whole career. And they they come back with this...
Mother Mary, meek and mild, got lost at Farmaggedon
Toe-to-toe with Pennywise she kicked his fuzzy head in
But the thing with HMHB is, even when they're going for the straightforward gags, there's a subtlety to Blackwell's wordplay that lifts their lyrics into pure poetry. Brian Bilston would do well to study the Blackwell canon, because although Brian's record was an immediate hit that soon paled... All Asimov & No Fresh Air is an album I initially thought was going to be a bit disappointing (high expectations again), but its appeal just kept growing.
Whenever I hear a news report of an avalanche involving British skiers
I listen in with interest in the hope that I might catch the name Ben Shephard
Layers, see. Like an onion. Not everything is obvious. The more you listen, the more it unveils new treats. Like the closing classic, Possible Side Effects, which starts with a typical HMHB celebrity assassination...
If I were a carpenter
I’d doubtless have a hammer
And I’d hammer in the morning
On the door of Alan Sugar
Alright mate, I’m just working on the property opposite, and I noticed you have a couple of slates that – oh, it’s you! Any road, I’ve got some tiles in the van if you want me to get up there. I’ve got a load of kiln-dried logs too if you’re interested. I’m thinking of sponsoring a gorilla at Bristol Zoo, what d’ya reckon? Do you need any face-cloths?
That's a comedy writing masterclass right there... but there's much more to it than that...
...because then it morphs into a love song, using the 1964 TV adaptation of Robinson Crusoe as a metaphor for heartbreak. I've never seen it, but I still appreciate the reference.
I still love you, Lucy Anne
And I’m not a rock
Nor am I an island
Try to picture, if you can
Robert Hoffmann
Scanning the horizon
Genius is a term oft-overused, etc. etc. etc...
That's the thing about Blackwell though - he's got so many ideas, he's not content to limit them to one per tune. Take Rawlplugs Of Yesteryear (Breaking The States), a song that is quite literally about the history of rawlplugs...
In the 1960s the jute fibre was replaced by a thermoplastic device
An improvement, doubtless, though nowhere near as romantic
...but also about a band desperately trying to write themselves a hit that will make their name in the US...
Breakin’ the USA
Breakin’ the USA
You’ve gotta press the flesh and tour the country wide
Breakin’ the USA
Breakin’ the USA
You’ve gotta get those college radio jocks onside
Jocks onside
The two ideas really shouldn't co-exist in the same ditty... yet Nigel makes their synergy seem effortless.
And when he does stick to just one idea, the results can be very special indeed. Like pitching the best ITV detective show ever over a frantic Legend Of Xanadu backing track...
Now McCalliog is a poultryman who walks many a mile
And he also does some admin work for Devon CID
But admin work is wasted on a man who has the gift
Nail crooks in minutes with
McCalliog and His Hens
I could easily write about every song on this album, from the one that starts like this...
I saw Badly Drawn Boy in a badly parked car
With a badly grazed elbow
What can you do?
...to the one where Nigel challenges himself to use every rhyme in the dictionary for the word "yours"...
I’m still confined yet the spirit endures
We’re not entwined ‘cos you’re in The Azores
I’m way behind with my household chores
Ever designed to be on all fours
Going out of my mind trying to get into yours
Going out of my mind trying to get into yours
Don’t eat the rind if it’s covered in spores
I'm going out of my mind...
Can't find a link for that one - what the hell's wrong with the tube of you?
And I've not even mentioned the one I'm saving to post just before Saturday the 18th of April, 2026. Or the one that gives the album its title, about rival gardeners persecuting know-it-all science fiction author Isaac Asimov on his allotment. Or the typically Blackwellian character assassination of Jack's Been To The National, in which every line is a treasure...
That’s Jack
Back on track
Practising his golf swing
In the car park
F1 chat down the fairway
I dare say all is well in his world
Got property in Mobberley
Probably
Ridiculous gate
It’s all about salary
And playing to the gallery
He’s never heard of George Leigh-Mallory
On his phone at the lights
On his own most nights
You see he’s trying to win his wife back
She’s never coming back Jack
She took her stuff back
Take your shot Jack
Bile, spite, hatred and vitriol
That’s all she’s got left for you
And the Himalayan salt lamp
The Navajo headdress
We don’t care about
How much you can bench press
Out of bounds on the left
It’s a right old trail of tears
I don't know what it says about me that no other record as given me as much pleasure as this one in 2025. Perhaps I shouldn't care. I can't even pick a favourite track, but if you put a gun to my head, I'd probably choose the tale of the bloke who was made redundant and bought himself a ventriloquist's dummy that looked a bit like Pete Murphy. It even inspired me to write a comic strip, and I don't do much of that sort of thing anymore.
Happy New Year. I hope it's a better one than 2025, but as there'll be no new Half Man Half Biscuit album to console us, it's already looking like an uphill battle.