The United Kingdom of Song #23: Chatteris

It's hard to believe that I've managed 22 of these posts already and not yet stopped off in the parish of Chatteris, Cambridgeshire. Equally hard to believe that today's band has yet to appear in this feature, considering their frequent habit of name-dropping various parts of the country in song.

I couldn't really find any famous residents of Chatteris beyond a couple of boxers, a trombone player and Bricstan, the miracle monk. (No, you look him up. That's what google is there for.) Neither could I think of any other songs that give this town a lyrical nod. But let's face it, nobody else could compete with this, arguably the Biscuit's finest 2 minutes...

One way system – smooth and commendable
Go by bus – they’re highly dependable
The swings in the park for the kids have won awards
The clean streets, acknowledged in the Lords
But what’s a park if you can’t see a linnet?
A timetable if your journey’s infinite?
My bag’s packed and I’m leaving in a minute
For what is Chatteris without you in it?

Car crime’s low, the gun crime’s lower
The town hall band CD, it’s a grower
You never hear of folk getting knocked on the bonce
Although there was a drive-by shouting once
But there’s a brass band everywhere
And I don’t drive, so I don’t care
And as a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square
What’s Chatteris if you’re not there?

Like a game-bird reserve short on pheasants
Weavers’ cottages devoid of tenants
A market town that lacks quintessence
That’s Chatteris without your presence

Three good butchers, two fine chandlers
An indoor pool and a first class cake shop
Ofsted plaudits, envy of the Fens
Prick barriers at both ends
But what’s Chatteris if you’re not there?

What’s Chatteris if you’re not there?
What’s Chatteris if you’re not there?
What’s Chatteris if you’re not there?
What’s Chatteris if you’re not there?
What’s Chatteris if you’re not there?

I may as well be in Ely or St Ives…