For the last ten years, I've walked along this road every morning on my way into work. This morning was the final time.
"Why aren't you more happy?" said Louise as I was heading out today. "You've been waiting for this so long... I'd have thought you'd be jumping up and down!"
The last couple of weeks though, after I returned from my Covid Holiday, have felt really surreal. Most of my old tasks and responsibilities had been taken over by my replacement, and I've felt a bit like a ghost, walking around a building I used to live in, watching everyone else going quietly mad, but from a great distance because none of it affected me anymore. I feel bad for the people who are still here, watching them suffer every new insult that's thrown at them, knowing it'll only get worse in the coming months. But I don't feel the euphoria I expected. Perhaps because this place has trampled over my emotions so much in the past few years that they're flat and lifeless.
"What doesn't kill you just makes you stronger." I'm sorry, but I'm calling bullshit on that.
When I left my radio job ten years ago, through redundancy, I shed quite a few tears. For all the friends I'd made there, for all the good times. Yes, there were bad times too, and yes, that redundancy came at the right time, having seen what's happened to the radio industry since. But I still miss that place for what it was while I was there, and I consider my fortunate to have worked there.
It's not all bad memories here either. I can't condemn the place like that. There have been good times, there have certainly been good people (although a lot of them moved on); in years to come I might look back in a more positive light. But I feel no tears as I prepare to depart today.
The relief will come, I'm sure. But if you ask me right now how I feel about leaving at last, the answer is: nothing. I feel nothing.
I liked that paragraph where you write about being like a ghost, it's a strange feeling when you leave somewhere you have worked hard but in some way never felt a real connection to (as you obviously did with your radio job). I assume you have a new post somwhere?
ReplyDeleteYes, I start Monday. Very different teaching job, much smaller scale and no more management responsibilities.
DeleteThanks, George.
You've captured the strange hinterland of working out your notice period well. You're still there but not wanted, required or relevant. Weird, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to feel nothing, I think. It just shows that this was no longer the job for you. All best wishes and good luck for the new job.
Thanks, Martin.
DeleteKeep the good memories & forget about the bad. All the best in your new job, Rol.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I have good memories of my job I barely give it a second thought.
ReplyDeleteThere is more to life than work.
As the Boss says - someday we'll look back on this and it will all seem funny
Time to move forward and put the past to bed
Thinking of you today, Rol. You made it. Don’t look back. Better times ahead.
ReplyDeleteAs Martin says, you've expressed so well that strange limbo situation when you're working your notice and still there physically but no longer mentally. It takes time to catch up with oneself, I think. Starting the new job is exciting and leaving the old job is a relief, but the transition is a little surreal.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and wishing you all the very best.
I recently changed jobs - I'm still in the same company, just a different department. Weird feeling when the final day comes after x years of effort. Like you, no real euphoria just a sort of empty "oh, is that it feeling".
ReplyDeleteI get the "ghost" bit - I deliberately wound down for a fortnight before and it was harder work watching the goings-on (or in some cases, the going-wrongs)
Edit:
Deleteand all the best in your new venture, may the learning curve and new culture not be sheer cliff face
(as I'm feeling at the moment)
I hope that passes. For me, anything that's not The Bad Place is a step up.
DeleteWe’ve been on this journey with you Rol, and it was obvious it had to happen. A strange time, the notice period, but quite telling that you left feeling no emotion of any kind.
ReplyDeleteAll the very best with the next chapter.
Thanks, everyone!
ReplyDelete