Words & Music #2: Weird Weekends

The coffee in my travel mug tasted off. Maybe I hadn’t rinsed the Fairy Liquid out properly, or maybe it was just that off-tasting water you get in the kettle sometimes, no real explanation for it. Whatever the cause, I couldn’t handle the commute without a coffee, so I decided to stop at the Co-Op petrol station and get a machine Costa. It was Friday morning, the roads were quiet and Google Maps was telling me the journey would only take an hour today, not 75 minutes, so an extortionately priced “Signature Blend” was, if not exactly enticing, then at least better than washing up water.

As I walked across the forecourt, a grubby-looking White Van Man sprinted past me, clearly eager to pay for his petrol and be about his day, ogling young women, driving aggressively close to other motorists, and screaming obscenities at both. Except… that wasn’t why he was in such a rush. Oh no. He wanted to get to the coffee machine first. Clearly he’d seen the look on my face, assessed my need, and decided his was greater. Either that or he was just an arsehole.

And so, I had to waste my time pretending to scour the Meal Deal sandwiches, while standing just close enough behind him to be in a sort of queue if anyone else with a desperate murder-you need for caffeine should try to butt in. And of course, White Van Man didn’t just want one machine coffee, he wanted three. My life was slowly ebbing away. And then he was done. At last, I stepped up to the machine to order my elixir… and that’s when I noticed.

No big cups.

Only the small ones.

I stormed out of the Co-Op in a huff, back to my car, and my off-tasting travel mug. Which didn’t taste so bad now, to be honest. Actually, it was all right.

Laurie Shaw is another artist I discovered through compiling those interminable posts about songs that randomly mention pop culture ephemera. He’s from the Wirral but currently resides in Cork. He’s incredibly prolific, having recorded over 100 albums according to bandcamp (7 of which were released in 2022), and the one with the best title is If You’re So Good, Then Why Haven’t I Heard Of You? Lately I've been very much enjoying Weird Weekends, which sounds a lot like pre-fame Pulp. Slightly sordid tales of yearning adolescent misadventures set to a lo-fi indie soundtrack. He’s even mastered the Jarvis yelp. Quite wonderful. He's a wonderfully natural storyteller...

We were in your room
And we were listening to your mum’s old records
You put the White Album on
And said this was their magnum opus
I didn’t know what you meant
But I could see down your vest
And then the grooves got out of focus

“There’s a party on on Saturday night,
You should come”
I said “I’d love to, but the lift in’s a pain
For my mum”
She said “well, you could stay at mine
And it might coincide with my mum
Doing nights in the hospital”

Laurie Shaw - Weird Weekend

Laurie Shaw – Inserts

If you’ve not caught it yet, Poker Face is very good. It’s by the guy he does the Knives Out movies and it's basically Columbo for the 21st Century. Natasha Lyonne brings her typically ramshackle Top Cat chutzpah to the role of a human lie detector on the run, stumbling across murders wherever she goes, then bumbling her way to delivering some kind of justice. Highly implausible, but very entertaining, and Lyonne is a natural successor to the legendary Peter Falk. Good soundtrack too, including…

The Louvin Brothers - Cash on the Barrel Head

Donald Fagen - The Goodbye Look

The Sweet - Fox On The Run

My brother lost his wallet in the pub last week. I don’t talk about my brother much, but here’s all you need to know to understand this story: he’s a retired builder. Now when I tell you that there was £700 cash in his wallet when he lost it… well, I just need to refer you back to the previous sentence.

When he realised his wallet was missing, he returned to the hostelry in question and asked if anyone had handed it in. They hadn’t, but the staff were happy to take a look at the CCTV. Sure enough, there was my brother enjoying his meal, and – whoops! – there goes his wallet onto the floor. Fast forward to after he’s left the pub and another couple take his table. And… oh, look, what’s this on the floor? Oh, it’s a wallet. I wonder what’s inside? Well, we better keep that safe… tell you what, why not put in your handbag just in case anyone unscrupulous should find it?

The police were informed, but my brother’s partner also decided to enlist the help of the Local Vigilante Action Syndicate (aka Facebook), posting a CCTV still of the woman with the wallet and asking if anyone could identify her.

A few hours later, they received a private message.

“That’s my sister. We haven’t spoken in 20 years since she shacked up with a former MP who’s also a paedophile, but she still lives next door to me. Here’s the address…”

Rather than pass this information onto the police (see paragraph #1), my brother instead chose to drive round to the address in question… but there was nobody in. So he put a note through the door with his phone number. I don’t know what the note said exactly, but something along the lines of “Give me my wallet back and I won’t shop you to the bizzies.” Not that my brother’s a Scouser, I just miss Jimmy Corkhill. A little while later he received a phone call and was invited round for tea.

Well, not tea, but he did get his wallet and all its contents back. When asked why the couple hadn’t handed it in to the bar, they replied, “Oh, we didn’t like the look of the bar staff.”

Don’t ask me why, but I’ve been listening to Grand Funk Railroad’s Greatest Hits lately. They’re a good time rock ‘n’ roll band, not quite up there with Steve Miller’s lot, but ploughing a similar furrow. For some reason, I always thought they were from Canada, which doesn’t make any sense since their biggest hit was We’re An American Band, but logic was never my forte. Here’s my favourite track from the compilation, originally taken from the album 1974 album All The Girls In The World Beware!! Ah, the 70s…