I googled this to see if it was an actual phobia, and apparently it is, although all the literature (ha, like the internet contains “literature”!) seemed to be about arriving late for appointments, social events or parties. None of these things really causes me anxiety, yet making complete strangers wait is becoming a thing. I write this down here, as always, in the hope that it’ll help me process it. Don’t feel you have to read it.
Sam wanted me to show him how the ticket machine works in
the Co-op car park. Normally he waits in the car while I go and get a parking
ticket, but he’d built it up into the most exciting thing ever, so I let him
come with me. However, I didn’t have any coins (still the quickest way
to buy a ticket) and so had to use my card. Which takes ages as the machine has
to contact the bank and perform the complicated security checks which allows it
to take 40p from my account. Another example of technological progress slowing
us down.
Anyway, as I began to show Sam the arcane magic of the
ticket machine, someone else arrived behind us, waiting to get a ticket. And I
suddenly became so flustered that I pressed the wrong button on the machine,
meaning I’d have to start the whole procedure over again, thereby increasing
the amount of time they’d have to wait… and I just couldn’t cope. I walked
away, taking Sam with me, and waited till they’d got their ticket… by which
time someone else had joined the queue and Sam was cringing that I was
embarrassing him. Rightly so.
If I’m honest about it, I think I can trace my reaction back
to the fact that I don’t like having to wait myself. There’s nothing worse than
when you’re in the supermarket and you desperately want to buy a tin of beans,
but there’s someone stood there reading the ingredients on the label, blocking
your access to the beans, and making you wait while they read…
Beans (51%)
Tomatoes (34%)
Water
Sugar
Spirit Vinegar
Modified Corn Flour
Salt
Spice Extracts
Herb Extract
“Let me just check that one more time…”
Beans (51%)
Tomatoes (34%)
Water
Sugar…
Because I get so aggravated when this happens, I’ve
developed an irrational fear of causing it to happen to anyone else. So if
ever I’m looking at something in the supermarket and I can sense someone is
waiting to get to the same thing, I will move out of the way. Not without a bit
of grumbling, to be honest, which rather strips the gesture of any magnanimity.
I realise this doesn’t paint me in the best light: at best, I’m an over-anxious
freak, at worst: a petty misanthrope. At the root of it all is a serious
problem with my self-esteem which is goes way, way back...
All of which brings me back to the car park, and Sam’s
embarrassment. This is a side of his dad I don’t want him to know. He’s such a
confident boy, I don’t want to be a role model for a supreme lack of confidence. I’ve got to work harder to hide that side of me, to present a more positive
image when he’s with me, to learn to make people wait.
I'm pretty sure Tom Petty knew how I feel. Why else would he have written this...?
Ah, the anxiety that comes with wanting to show your son the best of yourself, and hide all the issues. I'm with you there.
ReplyDeleteLosing battle, I'm afraid. Being a positive role model is the hardest job in the world.
DeleteI do get what you mean, Rol. I go a bit panicky if I have to do anything where anyone is waiting their turn behind me. Makes me feel - even if there is actually no need - that I somehow have to rush it and then, as you experienced, I'm more likely to get flustered and make a mistake. The best way would be if we all had to enter a little private box with no view outside, and then we'd never know if someone was waiting. Maybe just signified by an 'Engaged' sign. And the exit could at a different end to the entrance so that we still wouldn't know if anyone had been waiting when we left it, and any person waiting wouldn't see who had been holding them up. You can see I've given this a lot of thought..
ReplyDeleteThe other thing is - and I do this from time to time - is to give the person waiting your warmest, sweetest smile and say "I'm so sorry, hope you don't mind hanging on a minute for me, you see I've never done this before, I'm totally hopeless..." I'm sure some lifelong friendships could be formed that way...
Glad to know it's not just me... although I can't see me ever pulling off the sweet smile, without my face catching fire.
DeleteIt seems to be something bloggers are guilty of as I'm the same. For some reason we feel we are less worthy of using the time it takes to do something than the person standing behind us. If I ever take a lot of packages to our local post office I do two at a time and then go to the back of the queue again as I hate the sighs I hear from those behind me if I'm taking too long. I'm fairly sure they wouldn't think twice about taking 20 packages and making me wait. All to do with confidence and self-esteem as you say. Maybe why we are happy to spend hours a week trying to write entertaining posts, anonymously, for no money - why I don't tell many people about my blogging career, they wouldn't get it.
ReplyDeleteThank you for understanding, Alyson!
DeleteAs to blogging... cheapest form of therapy going.