Saturday, 22 July 2017

My Top Ten Songs With Balls

My good friend Rob Wells has just had his first graphic novel published by Little Brown. It tells the uncomfortably hilarious story of his longtime fight with a variety of embarrassing ailments, and his struggle to find a member of the medical profession who would a) take him seriously and b) sort them out. It's a hugely entertaining read for anyone who's ever had an embarrassing illness and anyone who's ever tried in vain to find a sympathetic doctor. Or anyone who enjoys a witty tale about men's bits malfunctioning... and let's face it, who doesn't want to read that? (Squirm.) I'm really excited and pleased for Rob, having watched the project develop over a couple of years, seeing it accepted by a publisher, and finally getting my hands on a printed copy.

Here's the link to the book on Amazon. Other retailers will, I'm sure, be stocking it too.

In tribute, here are ten songs with balls...

10. Isaac Hayes (Chef) - Chocolate Salty Balls


You had to be there.

9. W.A.S.P. - Dirty Balls

I'll play this one especially for Rob, since I know he's quite the metalhead. I, of course, couldn't ever approve of such things.

(I'm lying: this is in my record collection.)

8. Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys - Big Balls In Cowtown

Take your partner by the hand...

I said HAND! Jeez...

7. The Broken Family Band - The Booze & The Drugs

From the album Balls. How long you gonna be in the bathroom, baby?

6. AC/DC - Big Balls

See also She's Got Balls and Got You By The Balls. Notice any pattern here?

Will Oldham does a pretty cool tribute to all this nonsense too.

5. Love - Coloured Balls Falling

The shortest song on Love's eponymous debut album (but only one of them scraped past 3 minutes). As with most Arthur Lee songs, I have no idea what it's about. I suspect chemical assistance might be required...

I suspect this song might have also given its name to 70s Aussie rockers The Coloured Balls, but the interweb appears unable to confirm that for me.  

4. Elizabeth Cook - Sometimes It Takes Balls To Be A Woman

Feminist country anthem. Dolly and Tammy would be proud.

3. Pulp - Can I Have My Balls Back, Please?

Poor old Jarvis. How can he be a man now...?
So I went to New York City to see a doctor thinking maybe that he..
Would understand the state I was in.
He said: "I'd dearly love to help you son,
but you see the same thing's happened to me."
So now I'm home and I'm asking you just once more.

Oh can I have my balls back, please?
Can I have my balls back, please?
How am I gonna get through my life if you don't return them to me?
2. Amy Rigby - Balls

It appears that Amy Rigby can't help falling for bad boys. (Wonder if that's why she ended up with Wreckless Eric.)
You've got a lot of nerve to be calling here
But I love your nerve
You've got a lot of gall, you don't even care
About me at all
You've got a lot of balls, you don't even care

Wish I could grow a pair...
1. Jerry Lee Lewis - Great Balls Of Fire

60 years old. Still as fresh and powerful as it ever was. Anyone who says the piano isn't a rock instrument hasn't ever listened to The Killer.

Next week: My Top Ten Enema Songs.

Or maybe not...


  1. My eyes are watering as I type!
    Nothing by Ballboy?

    1. All the records on this Top Ten are shite.

  2. Did your friend Rob do all of the art, Rol? I envy people who have the skills/imagination to create alternate worlds via comic/cartoon art!

    1. Yep, it's all his own work. I'm extremely jealous of his talent as well!

  3. I am not remotely qualified to comment on such a Top Ten but I liked Rob's artwork in those other "peculiar" graphic novels so will seek this one out. Still reminiscing about watching Wimbledon though and I'm sure there was a record at some point featuring the kind of phrases that come from the umpire (and some unruly players) - New balls please!

    1. Thanks, Alyson. I think I know the tennis song you refer to... but I might be getting it confused with Chalkdust by The Brat.

  4. Yep, there could only be one number one....

  5. So many balls, so little time...
    Love the look of Rob's book, and big congrats to him for landing a publisher.

  6. Paul Kelly - Little Boy Don't Lose Your Balls


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