Snapshots #385: Twelve Newspaper Songs

I read the news today... oh boy!

Hear all about it below...

12. No longer a choking hazard.

He used to be a Strangler, but he's alright now.

Hugh Cornwell - Stuck In Daily Mail Land

11. What did you do in art class yesterday? I sketched a small mountain...

You drew a hill?

Dru Hill - These Are The Times

10. All you do to me is...

Lyrics from their eponymous single: "All you do to me is... talk talk."

Talk Talk - Today

Remember Today? Eddie Shah? The newspaper revolution? 

9. Go on. You know you want to. Give it a go. You'll love it.

The Persuasions - The Sun

8. AR-15, M-16, AK-47.

The Rifles - She's Got Standards

7. Direct train to Sheffield.

S'Express - Theme from S'Express

6. Tidier Tsars re-establish order.

"Tidier Tsars" was an anagram.

Dire Straits - Telegraph Road

5. Michael Stipe's lot judged "not bad" by muddy deposits at the mouth of a river.

Muddy deposits at the mouth of a river create a Delta. Good REM?

Delta Goodrem - The Guardian

4. Choosing shades in the detective agency.

Pinkertons were the detective agency in the Wild West.

Pinkerton's Assorted Colours - Mirror Mirror

3. The Munch Bunch. 

Edvard Munch painted The Scream.

Primal Scream - Star

2. O'Connor was a small baby.

Des? Tiny Child!

Destiny's Child - Independent Women

1. Stuck, and sticky.

The Jam - News Of The World

Written and sung by Bruce Foxton. RIP, Rick. 

That's all the news that's fit to print today. But another edition will hit the streets next Saturday - don't miss it!

Conversations With Ben #24: Anti-Racist Baby

Rol: In the hospital, we get free kids books to give out to our patients. Today's box included 2 copies of this. Can you work out who the target audience is, because we are struggling...?

Ben: Neo Nazi toddlers?

Quite. The people who need this book will never read it. The people who don't need it don't need it. Not sure who Puffin is marketing this at.

That's what me and my mate were just saying.

It may have a positive intention but it doesn't have an audience for impact.

My favourite kids book of that level was The Last of the NooNoos.

I just googled that. I presume there's a subtext about racism towards green pigs.

Nah. The kid just wants to keep their dummy (noonoo).

Louise's friend has made up a song about this book. She's singing, "All the babies, all the babies, anti-racist babies..."

Is it wrong to dip bread in miso soup or is it British / Asian fusion?

Not a fan of miso soup at all. Louise used to make this dish with miso, noodles and pak choi. It was the only thing she ever made that I hated. I'm glad she stopped making it.

U don like udon?

I like noodles. Just not if they're in miso.

Miso's only a subtle flavour.

And Pak Choi is horrible. It's like that Spring cabbage they used to give us for school dinner that's like chewing through an enormous dock leaf.

Not if you wilt it properly.

Gotta cook it perfectly. Undercooked, it's like eating a garden leaf, overcooked and it's stewed.

Thank you,  Delia.

I don't think Delia ever cooked it. It didn't come in a tin.

You realise it's 10.15 on a Saturday night right now? Robert Smith would be proud.

To eat miso soup?

Well, it is a panacea. The Cure to all his ailments...

I got my March pre-order email and I now order so many comics that I get a free copy of the Previews catalogue.

You did this to me.

Don't blame me. I don't even buy comics anymore.

No. You passed that curse to me. Now I have to wait til I'm in my sixties to pass it onto someone else.

Comics won't exist when you're in your 60s. All the old fart collector's who keep the industry afloat will be dead, and kids will be more interested in injecting VR bdiddliblngs straight into their neural shazboxes.

Old man shouts at clouds.

Here's a comic from when I was a kid...

Gotta love the 70s. Things were so much simpler then. 

Also a sound plan from Lex Luthor.

Does that make Kid Flash now Mid Flash if Flash is turned to a kid?

Not if Lex has killed the Flash. That makes Kid Flash the Flash.

That's a lot of pressure on a kid.

And if Lex goes after him next, presumably he'll turn him into a baby and then kill that.

Does the device he used to de-age them only do so many years?

Surely he'd have been better off just turning them all into babies in the first place?

Or is there a Comics Code Authority red line?

Maybe he could turn them all into foetuses and flush them. Except that would upset the Bible Belt, so probably not.

Beating the shit outta kids is wholesome and Christian though.

Exactly. Just don't hurt them before they're born.

Oh - look! 

There's a whole collection of them!

Truly, the internet never lets me down...

But... why?

Who conceives of that and then puts the effort into making it?

The Spidey one looks quite cute. The Hulk one is disturbing. But the naked Hitler one is on the wrong page, surely?

The Spidey one looks like he's just waiting.

The Hulk looks like Blanka from Street Fighter,

You know who would really screw up Lex Luthor's plan?

Jon Bon Jovi?

Squidly Diddley?

Hong Kong Phooey?

None of the above... this guy!

Is Lex Luthor a racist?

Middle-aged white male billionaire, skinhead, hates Richard Pryor... you work it out.

(Sorry, I just realised Lex Luthor wasn't in Superman III, so that joke doesn't really work.)

Saturday Snapshots #121 - The Answers

Before you start Goblin up your Sunday dinner, there's the small matter of the answers to Saturday Snapshots to contend with. Here's a Lighthouse to shine on the... erm... darkness of your... erm... 

Sorry, just not feeling the puns today. Great picture of Mr. WD though.

10. Good man crowned globetrotter of Madrid.

Benny Goodman.

Harlem Globetrotters.

Madrid is the capital of Spain.

Ben E. King - Spanish Harlem

9. Monkey Liz and bloke in need of a respray ponder unanswerable questions.

The monkey was a Gibbon. Liz is Beth.

A rusting man would need a respray.

Beth Gibbons & Rustin Man - Mysteries

8. Hibernator rope must have played them all!

"Hibernator rope" was an anagram for an artist most people can't even remember.

"From Soho down to Brighton... he must have played them all" comes from Pinball Wizard.

Brian Protheroe - Pinball

Notably as the only song I can think of to mention "pale ale".

7. Extremist voices sob at the disco.

Ultra-vox.

Ultravox - Dancing With Tears In My Eyes

6. Reddy to be infatuated? British pop will stand the test of time.

Helen Reddy, in love.

Helen Love - Long Live The UK Music Scene

The lyrics will really remind you of 1996. And they're still funny.

Hey, Alan McGee, 

Don't get in a sweat

There's no need to drop Oasis yet!

Chris Evans and Shed Seven will save the the UK music scene!

Sadly, the UK - and its music scene - have been greatly diminished this weekend.

5. A beer, shy Lissy? And it's your round?

Good week for anagrams...

Shirley Bassey - Big Spender

4. A good fella, Ray, with a director Todd and a weeping prophet... go cruising down by the water's edge.

Steady on, ladies. Form an orderly queue.

Ray Liotta was a Goodfella.

Todd Haynes is a director.

Jeremiah was the weeping prophet.

Aliotta, Haynes & Jeremiah - Lakeshore Drive

This song is not about LSD. Honest. No, really.

Running south on Lake Shore Drive heading into town

Just slippin' on by on LSD, Friday night trouble bound

It isn't!

3. From a 40s kitchen via a successful city to their inevitable capture.

UB40 had a rat in their kitchen.

A successful city is a boomtown.

The Boomtown Rats - Rat Trap

Pus and grime ooze from its scab crusted sores.

2. Daughters of fate stand on their own.

Destiny's Child - Independent Woman

1. Trivial despair over lack of parachute.

Petty heartbreak.




Willem Saturday Snapshots be back next week?

Dafoe!

(Er, you know, like deffo, only... I'll get me coat.)