Chuck Norris was once bitten by a king cobra; after ten excruciating minutes, the cobra died.
Ben messaged me midway through Friday afternoon to pass on the news that Chuck Norris had passed. My immediate reaction?
No. Way.
There would have been an expletive in the middle of that, but I was at work.
When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the Earth down.
I can't say I was ever a fan of Chuck Norris, but I'm still glad he existed. I do have fond memories of seeing his movies every Saturday afternoon in the local video shop. The ACTION MOVIES shelf was right next to the HORROR MOVIES shelf. My attention was always focused solely on the latter - unless I'd decided I wanted to watch Back To The Future or Ferris Bueller's Day Off again. Beyond Die Hard and Lethal Weapon, I didn't have much interest in the action films.
If you have $5 and Chuck Norris has $5, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
Back in the early days of the internet, Chuck Norris Facts became one of the first memes. They may have originated with a writer called Ian Spector who eventually published a series of collections, but many were just made up by people online. They played up to the idea that Chuck Norris was the toughest guy on the planet, and although Norris himself downplayed their significance, it's clear they played a big part in turning an average B-movie into a living, breathing icon.
Chuck Norris didn't dial the wrong number. You picked up the wrong phone.
This one was always my favourite.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
Speaking of counting, I broke the lyrics search engine when I asked it to suggest songs with Chuck Norris in them. There are literally THOUSANDS of them. Most of them are rap songs, because toughness by association is a number one device in rap lyrics. Most of them weren't very good either. Chuck Norris deserved better.
Here are a couple I liked...
I could never die, I'm Chuck Norris
Fuck the government and fuck Boris
I want to kill Chuck Norris
And my trick is the invisible fist
Chuck Norris's Social Security number is the last nine digits of pi.
And here's one I've actually been listening to lately, from the world's best pop-punk pranksters, Bowling For Soup. This is a song about a woman who's got an abusive boyfriend, and what B4S would like to do to him...
I wish Bruce Lee was here right now
(With his fists of fury)
With his trusty nun-
Chuck Norris is still alive
So let's call up Walker, Texas Ranger
All the dudes from Danger Danger
Let's get the A-Team, 50-Cent with his bling-bling
And a couple of prison guards...
Bowling For Soup - 99 Biker Friends
Speaking of Chuck's long-running TV show, Walker, Texas Ranger... let's not forget that he did a Dennis Waterman on that...
There was once a street named after Chuck Norris, but the name was changed as nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
There's even a band named after him. Ladies and gentleman, I give you... The Chuck Norris Experiment.
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