Monday, 22 June 2015

My Top Ten Cheesy Chat-Up Line Songs

Don't you wish your Top Ten was hot like me?

If you're going out on the pull tonight, take this blog with you.

Ten corny pick up lines in song... apologies to Marvin (Let's Get It On) Gaye, George (I Want Your Sex) Michael and Franz (Do You Want To?) Ferdinand. You guys were just too obvious. Next time, serve your whopper with cheese. Or a little bit of metaphor, at least...

10. Arkarna - So Little Time 
Said I've been celibate for years,
Not out of choice there's no-one here,
See I can't give my end away,
Another ordinary day,
And I'd love to see a little more of you,
Your clothes would look better on my bedroom floor,
bedroom floor, bedroom floor.
This one's kind of here by accident. I'm convinced there's a better song out there that does justice to the old "I like your clothes - I'd like them more on my bedroom floor" chestnut, but I'll be damned if google can remind me what it is. Arkarna are a deservedly forgotten band from the Britpop era with two dubious claims to fame. Firstly, their guitarist was Lol (10cc / Godley &...) Creme's son Lalo; and secondly, they had a song featured in the soundtrack to Batman & Robin. Yes, the one with Clooney & Arnie.

9. Brad Paisley - Ticks

This is how they try it on in the southern states. Brad is such a cool dude though, he can just about make it work...
'Cause I'd like to see you out in the moonlight
I'd like to kiss you way back in the sticks
I'd like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
And I'd like to check you for ticks.
8. Steve Miller Band - The Joker

If you're a space cowboy, a gangster of love, or you're called Maurice, then you're allowed to speak with the pompatus of love. This largely involves using the following chat up line...

I really like your peaches
Wanna shake your tree

...and not (apparently) getting your head kicked in. Good luck with that.

7. Jimmy Buffet - Let's Get Drunk And Screw

Jimmy Buffet is a fascinating character, virtually unknown in the UK, but a big draw in the States among his devoted army of "parrot head" fans. Although the laid back, screw-it-all Margaritaville is his most well known song, this track apparently became an accidental jukebox hit when it was released as the b-side to his single The Great Filling Station Hold Up. You can guess why - though Buffet claims it was a throwaway song he wrote to parody various country hits that carried the same message... with a little more subtlety.

6. Labelle - Lady Marmalade

Of course, if you want to be as direct as Jimmy - yet a little more classy - you could always try delivering your chat up line in French.  Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ce soir)?

5. Cinerama - Quick, Before It Melts

Always keen to paint himself as the indie Kenneth Williams, David Gedge brings the phnarr phnarr to this particular line - although it comes in response to a far more direct proposition of infidelity... Will a guilty conscience cause Dave a meltdown?
And when you said: "I've got nothing on beneath this dress", that was such great flirting!
I usually find such candidness sort of disconcerting
But you said: "I don't wear underwear because it leaves a stripe
People sneer, but do you think I care? They're usually not my type!"
And soon we're reeling from the beer that we keep buying
You ask me what I'm doing here and I start lying
You're wondering what is on my mind is it a one night stand?
You laugh and say: "Baby I'm not blind!" and then you squeeze my hand
But please, let's be quick before it melts...
Gedge might have nicked the line from a bawdy 1964 comedy film starring George Maharis and Robert Morse (Bert Cooper from Mad Men). If so, he greatly improved upon his source material.

4. Tavares - Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel

Tavares have now appeared two weeks running on this blog, making them the new Morrissey. Mozzer's own version of this particular chat up line, Angel, Angel, We Both Go Down Together, failed to score him any chicks.

Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel was originally a 6 1/2 minute track. When they released it as a single, they cut it in half and put one half on the A side and the other on the B side. Imagine trying to explain that to a kid these days.

3. Flight of the Conchords - The Most Beautiful Girl (In The Room)

Prince (who we'll get to in a moment) achieved his biggest hit in the UK by wooing The Most Beautiful Girl In The World. A clear example of hyperbole - and beauty being in the eye of the beholder. Hell, we could all be the most beautiful girl in the world to someone... even me. (Though admittedly, that particular someone would need a serious eye test.)

Anyway, Jermaine from FOTC chose a similar tactic for seducing his special lady... but he decided to scale back his expectations a little and make his lines a bit more realistic...

And when you're in the street
(Depending on the street)
I bet you are definitely in the top three
Good looking girls on the street
(Depending on the street)

Nothing like damning your chances with faint praise! But if that doesn't seal the deal... try this:

You're so beautiful
You could be a waitress
You're so beautiful
You could be an air hostess in the 60s
You're so beautiful
You could be a part time model
(But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job)

2. Prince & Sheena Easton - U Got The Look

You can, of course, blindfold yourself and stick a pin in the Prince discography and chances are you'll hit a cheesy chat up line of the highest order. (Just don't let him see you in the blindfold. He might get ideas.) After all, you don't have to be beautiful to turn him on. He just wants your body, baby, from dusk till dawn. And if he was your girlfriend, would you let him pick your clothes before you go out? Because, let's not forget - nothing compares 2 u.

However, U Got The Look must surely be Prince's most shameless coquetery. Although it does contain a line that, had Jermaine from FOTC delivered it, might have gained him a serious slap in the chops.

U got the look
U must have took
A whole hour just to make up your face...

Erm... what exactly are you saying there, Purple One? That I need to trowel on the greasepaint before you'll even give me a second glance?

Closin' time, ugly lights, everybody's inspected
But you are a natural beauty unaffected
Did I say an hour?
My face is red, I stand corrected!

Oh, all right then, I'll let you off.

It's not the above exchange that almost takes Prince to the top of this chart, however. It's the chat up line so direct... only he could get away with it:

Your face is jammin'
Your body's heck-a-slammin'
If love is good
Let's get to rammin'

Do you reckon that line worked on Sheena?

1. The Bellamy Brothers - If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?

And so to this week's undisputed champion. You're forgiven if you thought this one was by Dr. Hook... even though I own a Bellamy Brothers Greatest Hits CD, I still always confuse this with the Hook.

The greatest chat up line ever was actually created by Groucho Marx. BB songwriter David Bellamy (no, not that one) nicked the line from Groucho... which means he was on rather shaky ground when he criticised Britney Spears' songwriting team for using the same line in her anodyne 2011 product placement hit Hold It Against Me. Between the two songs, however, there's no comparison. And I'm not just saying that because I'm 43 years old and I consider Britney Spears the spawn of Beelzebub. Which I guess ruins my chances of getting off with her tonight...

So, there's a party in my pants and you're invited... to leave a comment. That's all. Don't get the wrong impression.


  1. Is that the first time the Steve Miller Band have featured in a top ten? I recall a homage to your number 1 record that was in the "How to Be A Complete Bastard" book - a hilarious tome which visited our playgrounds back in 1986-87.

    1. On this blog, your namesake has featured once before, in my Top Ten Running Songs. I'm pretty sure he cropped up a few times on the old blog too, and I'm pretty sure I've featured The Joker before.

      Thanks, I might try to track down a copy of HTBACB...

  2. Haven't dropped in for a while and when I do you're all dirty. Like it!

    *stands in the doorway waving like a man wearing sandals and socks and an anorak.*

    1. I'm just a dirty old man now, Simon. You remember me from my innocent youth.

      Good to hear from you again.

    2. Haha, we are all dirty old men.

  3. Hey Rol

    Sorry for my quietness of late - well probably for twelve months, I do often read, just haven't got around to posting.

    One I have always quite liked is from Dave Dobbyn's song - Slice of Heaven. The line is "howdy angel, where did you hide your wings?"

    Shania Twain's If Your Not in It for Love, I'm Outta Here also seems to kind of fit the topic too.

    Keep up the good work with the lists, and I will try and make more of an effort to leave comments.

    1. Thanks, Deano, always good to hear from you and your always intriguing suggestions. Take care, pal.

  4. The Macc Lads - Sit On Me Face I'll Guess Your Weight.

    Yeah. Never worked for me either.

  5. Inflatable You by Tim Minchin has a LOAD of cheese....

    1. "You don't complain about my hairy back
      Or about the inches that downstairs I lack
      You're not disgusted by my furry crack
      Burt Bacharach, Jack Kerouac ooo."

      I think we're beyond the opening gambit here, surely?


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