12. Legendary, according to Brad Pitt and Anthony Hopkins.
Brad Pitt and Anthony Hopkins starred together in a film called Legends of the Fall. Sadly Brad did not play Mark E. Smith. And neither did Sir Anthony.
Richard Herring is back, with another conversation starter from his book Emergency Questions...
If you had to marry a muppet - if you had to - which muppet would you marry?
Now it strikes me that this question gives (straight) female readers more choice, since the only potential muppet wife most blokes will be able to think of is Miss Piggy... and who would want to marry Miss Piggy? Except Kermit.
Well, I mean, there's that girl from the band too, but I don't even know her name.
If gender were no issue though, and I had to choose a Muppet purely on chances of compatibility, I'd probably go for Gonzo. I feel a certain simpatico for The Great Gonzo and his resilience in the face of utter failure.
Another one of Richard Herring's Emergency Questions to jump-start our Friday conversations...
What's the worst experience you've ever had in a hotel?
Unlike the Frequent Flyers and Another Holiday Already? types that read this blog, I don't spend a lot of time in hotel rooms. Louise isn't fond of hotels, so most of our family holidays are spent in rented cottages. Sam and I brave a Premier Inn once a year for our annual boy's getaway - he's a big fan of the All You Can Eat breakfast. Imagine his horrid during the post-covid year when we booked into a Travelodge that promised "breakfast included" to discover that it constituted a Kellogg's variety pack (random choice) and a carton of Kia Ora. Never again!
Is that the worst experience I've ever had in a hotel room then? Sam would certainly say so. And I'm not sure I can think of anything worse... no rats or cockroaches or views of the local rubbish dump. I'm sure you guys can help out with that though.
My only other vaguely relevant anecdote today is from a holiday with my sister and her family in my teenage years. This was either Jersey or Brittany... I can't remember which, but they were the only two holidays I went on with them. File this one under disconcerting...
The cottage must have had three bedrooms: one for my sister and her husband, one for their two kids (my eldest nephew is only four years younger than me) and one for me. I'd reached the age where it was no longer cool to go on holiday with my parents, but I wasn't old enough to go off on my own... and I never had mates who suggested a week in Ibiza (thank GOD).
Anyway, I woke up one morning to discover that my pillow was missing. When I looked, it was over the other side of the room... wedged under the door, as though trying to stop someone or something getting in. I hadn't done that myself (not consciously, at least) so I wondered then... and still wonder today... how that happened.
Musicians spend more time in hotel rooms than just about any other profession, except travelling salesmen and Ernie. Most of the time, they're not trashing them and throwing the TV out into the swimming pool (that's just Ernie)... instead, they just sit around writing miserable songs about life on the road...
The most evocative of these doesn't mention the word hotel in its title, but it was the first track I thought of today. Anyone who's seen Lloyd Cole live in the last 25+ years will have heard him explain what a Spectra-Vision girl is...
Just another bunch of would be desperados Failing to pace themselves against the grain Strung out on semantics, Holiday-Inn vigilantes, Late night, early town Am I supposed to sleep, here all alone 'Neath the shadow of the mini-bar, with the promise of a Spectra-Vision girl?
What's the worst experience you've ever had in a hotel?
Here are some more songs about struggling through 'til payday... starting with the obvious one, clocking in at less than 90 seconds... Album #1, Side #1, Track #1...
King Cnut could not hold back the tide, and I cannot hold back society's full-throttle descent into dystopia. All I can do is watch helplessly from the sidelines, and nod my head sagely when others hold a mirror up to the madness.
Thinkin' all about those censored sequences
Worryin' about the consequences
Waiting until I come to my senses
Better put it all in present tenses
Little triggers that you pull with your tongue
Little triggers, I don't want to be hung up, strung up
Louise was very excited to hear that they had remastered / re-issued the original Tomb Raider games and that she would be able to play them on Sam's Nintendo. But not before she first had to contend with the Trigger Warning...
You'll find various people online debating / objecting to / agreeing with / traumatised by the insertion of this trigger warning into Lara Croft's original adventures. As someone who's not part of any of the minorities besmirched by their representation in said game, it's probably not my place to comment... so let's look to English Literature instead for our trigger warnings...
This production includes depictions of self-harm, graphic violence and references to suicide.
That's from a theatre production of King Lear, in case you were wondering.
Meanwhile, The Globe Theatre recently warned its audiences about a new production of Romeo & Juliet...
This production contains depictions of suicide, moments of violence, and references to drug use. It contains gunshot sound effects and the use of stage blood.
If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this production of Romeo and Juliet please find details below of organisations offering advice and support.
A bunch of Tory politicians were soon up in arms about that, while world famous thespian Christopher Biggins chipped in, "It’s wokeness gone mad!"
Ralph Fiennes, Ian McKellen and Matt Smith have also taken umbrage at the trigger warnings many theatres have begun to inflict upon their audiences, though Ralph's response was a little more considered than Biggins...
"I think the impact of theatre should be that you’re shocked and you should be disturbed. I don’t think you should be prepared for these things and when I was young, (we) never had trigger warnings for shows.”
I find myself torn on this matter... and not just because if I do voice outrage at trigger warnings, I'll be joining the protest line alongside Tory MPs, Christopher Biggins and The Daily Mail. Just the very fact that those guys are in opposition makes me want to clutch trigger warnings to my bosom and welcome them with an open heart.
I teach English to young people who are suffering severe mental health problems... and yet they have to study the same texts as every other GCSE student in the country, including Macbeth (full of violence, murder, suicide and a gradual descent into madness for more than one character) and An Inspector Calls (a murder mystery which hinges around a character being driven to commit suicide by drinking bleach after she's been raped - arguably by more than one man - and castigated by society). Many of these issues are central to the experiences of some of the young people I teach... and yet, they do appear to be able to draw a line between the fiction they're studying and the reality they may have endured. Perhaps that's not always the case, and we treat every student on an individual basis depending on whether the medical professionals think they're ready to tackle such issues... but from everything I've been reading about mental health, hiding away from unpleasant issues only makes them worse. I'm not a psychiatrist and it's not my job to offer counselling... just to teach the texts. Still, it does make me wonder if trigger warnings might be doing more harm than good, shielding people from things they'd be better off confronting... if they ever want to come to terms with them.
Of course, there's a difference between trigger warnings for disturbing subject matter and trigger warnings for outdated attitudes. I don't have a problem reading Huckleberry Finn or To Kill A Mockingbird with a class, both of which contain frequent use of racial epithets that were common parlance at the time they were written. It's a good way of opening up a debate about language, racism and historic prejudice. It's even more important to teach these texts nowadays, and have those discussions, than ever before. If the publishers want to add a warning that the texts contain outdated attitudes "rooted in racial and ethnic prejudices", that's fine with me. Far better that than banning or editing said texts and pretending prejudice just didn't exist. Doesn't exist.
Having thought about it then, I completely agree with that trigger warning on Tomb Raider, as ridiculous and trivial as it might seem at first glance. Because when it comes to any kind of outdated attitude, I do believe it's important to "acknowledge its harmful impact and learn from it". And really, does that one screen affect your enjoyment of the game in any way? If it does, that probably says more about your own deep-rooted prejudices than it does about Tomb Raider.
To close on a lighter note, I did have to laugh when watching Die Hard again this Christmas past, noting that despite the gratuitous violence and liberal use of foul language (though interestingly, for an 80s film, no really outdated attitudes), the biggest warning to pop up on screen before hand was that by watching this film, we'd be subjected to the image of Bruce Willis smoking a cigarette! Different times indeed...
Warning: this blog contains many, many outdated attitudes. Usually involving popular music of the 80s that the cool kids have long since decided is rubbish... but I still love it anyway. That's my trigger warning, in case its needed.
History is made, not repeated And you hide behind words that make you feel needed And what you read in those books made you so conceited So in order for love to be true My dreams will have to Become my only rules
I want a warning I want a warning I want something more than a warning
Wake me up on into a world outdated And the older you get the more you seem jaded As you search for the quotes to make it seem complicated So in order for love to be true Even my nightmares Become my only rules
I want a warning I want a warning I want something more than a warning
After writing over a hundred posts dealing with what we laughingly call the "Mid-Life Crisis", it occurred to me that at no point have I addressed the clichés of the male mid-life crisis - specifically getting yourself a sports car (and a hairpiece) and dressing in an unfashionably fashionable style to enable you to chase younger women. Or, as Jerry Lee put it...
Today he traded his big 98 Oldsmobile
He got a heck of a deal
On a new Porsche car
He ain't wearing his usual grey business suit
He's got jeans and high boots
With an embroidered star
An' today he's forty years old going on twenty
Don't look for the grey in his hair
'Cause he ain't got any
He's got a young thing beside him
That just melts in his hand
He's middle aged crazy
Trying to prove he still can
He's gotta a woman he's loved for a long long time at home
Ah but the thrill is all gone
When they cut down the lights
They've got a business that they spent a while coming by
Been a long uphill climb
But now the profits are high
But today he's forty years old going on twenty
And he hears of sordid affairs and he ain't had any
And the young thing beside him
You know she understands
That he's middle aged crazy
Trying to prove he still can
Where do I begin?
Would I ever want to own a Porsche or any other expensive, high-powered automobile?
No. I'm not interested in driving faster than everybody else on the road or in collecting the associated speeding tickets. I don't want to become a target for car thieves or boyracers who fancy a challenge. And I've never liked the idea of drawing attention to myself. See also personalised registration plates.
Am I about to start dressing ostentatiously in clothes that are far too young for me?
No. Although I will continue to buy T-shirts with obscure movie, TV and music references on them that will only be understood by about 1% of the people I meet. Despite what Mark Radcliffe believes, that men over a certain age should only wear plain T-shirts. That's just dull, Mark. Maybe I'll even get one of these, to celebrate the detente...
As to the idea of chasing after younger women... besides the fact that Louise would kill me, after chopping up various parts of my anatomy for dog food... I'm sorry, why would I want to be with someone who constantly reminded me of how old and knackered I am? At least when you're with someone your own age, you can be old and knackered together.
With all that in mind, I think I'll pass on the clichés of the male mid-life crisis, after noting with some chagrin the final verse of Jerry's ode in which he identifies the star of his story as being "forty years old going on twenty"... ah, to be forty again!
Let's close with a song that perfectly encapsulates the dangers of succumbing to the MMLC, from a band many of you won't like because they're funny. Humour plus music? How dare they? The debut album from Wolves of Glendale is out now...
We lost Michael Parkinson while I was away on holiday, but I couldn't find a single song that mentioned him... and I wanted to spare you all Parky's favourite, Jamie Cullum. Oh, very well then, in his honour... here's my favourite Jamie Cullum song, the one where he admits to being a Morrissey fan...
However, the day I heard about Gary's passing, news also reached me about the death of a personal favourite: the legendary Jimmy Buffett. You may well roll your eyes incredulously, but I'll never tire of this tune...
Having dipped more than a toe into his back catalogue over the years, I could name you many more great Jimmy Buffett tunes, but none are quite as good as Margaritaville, a song that gave birth to an entire industry of restaurants, hotels, casinos and even retirement homes. For a man whose music championed an idyllic beach bum lifestyle, he certainly knew how to make money. And he made quite an impression on the Celebrity Jukebox too...
When I heard of the Jimmy's passing though, one song immediately sprang to my mind. It's recorded live (or made to sound that way) and features a perfectly timed guest appearance by the great man himself. It also asks that very important question, "What would Jimmy Buffett do?"
(And it's not the only song to do that, as Keith Robinette will tell you.)
So let's raise a glass to Jimmy, for whom heaven must surely be Margaritaville. And if you think it's too early in the day, just remember: It's Five O'Clock Somewhere...
We've had her under surveillance since the beginning of the 20th Century. She's implicated in all manner of crimes, including being the best-selling fiction-writer of all time, writing over 80 books, and being responsible for the world's longest running stage play. But what evidence could we find to help convict her?
Let's look at the witness statements, starting with a Knight of the Realm...
Oh, in her two pound coat
She really thinks she's cloaked in mystery
She's actin' like some character from Agatha Christie
I got a pain in my shoes and all I wanna do is dance
I should have featured the former Mayor of Cincinnati on the Celebrity Jukebox following his untimely demise back in April... but it seemed like too big a task. The name Jerry Springer has become synonymous with a certain kind of lowest common denominator trash TV, so it's an easy shorthand for songwriters to drop in if they want to diss the worst elements of society, the ones happy to air their soiled undergarments and then have a big ruck in front of millions, thereby fulfilling Andy Warhol's 15 minutes prophecy. But I think there was more to Jerry than all that - he started out as an adviser to Robert F. Kennedy, before becoming a lawyer and then a major public figure... he even considered running for President. And let's face it, he couldn't have done a worse job than the Orange Manchild. As for his notorious TV show, Jerry clearly had a sense of humour about the whole thing (unlike his loathsome UK counterpart, Jeremy Kyle), happy to join in when others were poking fun at it (and him), most notably in Richard Thomas & Stewart Lee's hilarious Jerry Springer: The Opera.
Speaking of rappers, here's a guy who could easily have been a recurring guest on Jerry's show...
I strangle you to death then I choke you again And break your fucking legs till your bones poke through your skin You beef with me, I'mma even the score equally Take you on Jerry Springer and beat your ass legally
"Partner is the "mature" effort of two best friends named Josée Caron and Lucy Niles. Together, with Rock as their trusty guide, they explore a variety of themes in an attempt to understand the meaning of life." Which must be one of the worst artist biogs I've ever read. Shame really, because they make a spendid racket, and tell cool stories too...
When I was a kid I used to fake sick Luckily, my mom and dad were Pretty easy to trick
I was biding my time Until the house was all mine To do the one thing I really wanted to
Which was watching daytime TV While there's no one home to watch me I'm hanging out with Maury He's doing a paternity test Are you the father? Well, it's anybody's guess And give me Jerry Springer Judge Joe Brown, Judge Judy, and a TV dinner I guess the best things in life come free Like watching daytime TV
Bret Michaels was the lead singer of Poison. Despite that, this made me chuckle...
One day Jack came over to apologize He told me, my ex which is his new girlfriend was out every night Jack said I think she's been cheating with my new friend Jim Say you love her too bad cause now she loves him Pulled a Jerry Springer on me now your outta luck My new girlfriend thinks you all suck
When you find out things about yourself That you hadn't ought to know When your grandma calls and books you On the Jerry Springer show And you find out you and your wife of ten years Just might be related Brother, life's not over it's just Simply complicated
There were many, many, many more lyrical mentions of Jerry Springer... but I'm trying to be a little more selective and only link to the ones I like, or I figure one of you guys might dig. Like this little beauty...
Today's winning tune comes from a band I was very into around the turn of the Millennium. Hard to believe it's nearly 25 years since this was released. It's a song in which the lead singer professes his love for the actress Claire Danes, named after the TV show that made her famous (though it also mentions her star-making turn opposite Leonardo DiCaprio in Baz Luhrmann's Romeo & Juliet).
I went on Jerry Springer To confess my love to you You said I didn't have a chance And there was nothing I could do You told me I was crazy And wished that I was dead. You threw a chair right upside my head
A lot of film fans rate Stanley Kubrick as the pre-eminent auteur director of the 20th Century. Some of those same cinephiles don't rate The Shining as highly as his other movies. Stephen King famously hated Kubrick's adaptation of his novel.
I can take or leave most Kubrick movies, especially 2001, which I just never got. Yet despite the fact that Stephen King is my favourite author, I love Kubrick's The Shining. It must have watched it more than just any movie apart from The Big Lebowski, Back To The Future and Die Hard. And following on from Shelley Duvall, Stanley Kubrick was an obvious contender for the Celebrity Jukebox.
Turns out he's an incredibly well-referenced fellow, particularly in the rap world where auteurs and visionaries are clearly admired. Frank Ocean drops his name more than once. Jay Z, Lupe Fiasco, A$AP Rocky... they all dig Stan. And who better to follow those cutting edge sophisticates than... Jimmy Buffet?
You've no idea how many songs I found that mentioned Stanley Kubrick. Some of them referencing 2001, others A Clockwork Orange or Full Metal Jacket, a surprising amount his final movie, Eyes Wide Shut. Some even seem to believe that old conspiracy theory that NASA hired Kubrick to fake the 1969 moon landing. Take Mansun, for example...
It was incredible how many of those references were from modern artists, proving how much of an influence his movies still have among the young people. It got to the point where I was just an old man wandering through a virtual record store and every shelf was filled with artists I'd never heard of and couldn't even begin to connect with. Although there were a few discoveries that matched my own oddball sensibilities. Here's a few titular mentions as brief evidence of how I spent my Christmas holiday...
In the end though, I had to admit defeat. There were literally thousands of musical references to Stanley Kubrick, and like a clockwork orange about to explode, the jukebox was on the verge of overload.
Then one song came to my rescue. It's by Scatman Crothers, an actor and singer who began his musical career in the 30s... and went on to be immortalised as The Overlook Hotel's head chef, Dick Hallorann. He's the man with "The Shining". And he knew Stanley Kubrick quite well. He even wrote a song about him, from first-hand experience...
There's a man living in London town, makes movies, he's world renown
Yes, he's really got the fame Stanley Kubrick is his name
Yes he does it all, I'm telling you all, Stanley does it all
He might work you days and days, you'll find out it really pays
He's a perfectionist you know, he's got to be right before you go
He does it all, he does it all, Stanley does it all
I know a lot of people found the joke of the Ben Folds Five - that there were only three of them - to be rather smug, but they're still my favourite band with a Five in their name... yes, I like them even more than 5ive.
Sad to say, every one of those can be found in my hard-drive (except Five Hand Reel, I'm afraid). That's what I was doing while the rest of the male population were out drinking beer, watching football and meeting girls.
"But what about the Five songs?" I heard nobody cry.
I think you can probably work out for yourself why I'm not allowing that one. Not just because it already featured here in Week 55, but because if I started allowing every mention of a 5 as part of a bigger number, not only would that contravene the Tom Robinson Rule, it would also mean revisiting every song we featured in Week #15, #25, #35, #45, all the 50s, etc. etc. etc. My brain just melted at the very prospect.
Oh damnation - Just realised that the Tom Waits song is 55 so we've probably done that one. And suppose Manfred Mann's "5-4-3-2-1" is no use. *sigh*
That's more like it. Although there's something rather disturbing about the character described therein... and it probably contravenes all kinds of size-ist PC rules these days.
I wrote about bands with 5 in their title a while back when I published my 101st post - as has been pointed out around here before (by George I think) the binary number 101 equates to the decimal number 5 so the 101ers could be a contender.
I don't understand binary because I'm not a robot. These guys seem to understand it though...
My personal favourite is this one although it won't qualify I'm sure - George was at his best here and it made for a memorable performance shared many times in the aftermath of his death.
Les Georges Leningrand - George 5 (First time i heard this song it was on quite loud at home, came on a Rough Trade CD, i had to turn it down as i was worried i would scare the neighbours. It is one of the strangest songs i have ever heard but i love it, took a few listens though).
It was looking like Rigid Digit was definitely going for this week's booby prize... until he unearthed this little gem. An absolute cracker. I liked it so much, I wrote a short story with the same title.
Flagrant abuse of the rules there, RD. Watch out, Charity Chic will start comparing you to Dominic Cummings if you're not careful. Speak of the devil (CC, not DC, thankfully), here he is again...
Or what of "Five Foot Two, Eyes of Blue (Has Anybody Seen My Gal?)", which since its penning in 1914 just about everyone has covered, but for the sake of argument here let's suggest Dean Martin's version as well as Guy Lombardo's. Not sure which of those two version my dad had in mind as he went about the house singing it throughout my childhood...
Sadly, I didn't have time to listen to or comment on any of The Swede's suggestions this week, because it's already 8.30 on Monday evening and I've not had my tea yet. I'm sure they were all lovely. I'm also not going to spend too long scraping my own hard drive this week. But here's a few...
However, much as I love that, I'm going to have to plump for the one suggested by C and Swiss Adam this week, mainly because it was the first one I thought of. Yes, it's a cover version of a track mentioned earlier. Or, more accurately, it's two cover versions in one, since it segues effortlessly into Petula Clark's I Know A Place about halfway through... and that's one of the reasons I love it.
As cover versions go there, it manages that rare trick of being better than the original. I think it may well be one of the most exciting songs I've ever heard (I know, I'm delirious from lack of food, humour me).
OK... who's ready for a little four-play?
(Apologies for any typos this week. I had no time to proofread!)
