TV On The Radio #17: Homes Under The Hammer

Homes Under The Hammer is one of many daytime TV shows (like Cash In The Attic, A Place In The Sun and The Antiques Road Trip) that I've never watched an episode of because I have a job. I think it's about auctioning houses. I'm not sure who the target audience is - my dad was a former auctioneer, and he never showed the slightest interest in it. Still, it's been going for 20 years, so someone must be watching it. And as a number of people who read this blog are now reaching retirement age, I imagine you rarely miss an episode. (I wonder if they show it in Portugal?)

You wouldn't imagine there would be many pop stars who spent their time watching Homes Under The Hammer either... except, it's well known that musicians are generally a bunch of work-shy bastards who will do anything to avoid the arduous manual labour of writing a new song. I bet most of them have never missed an episode of Countdown and are over the moon that Neighbours is coming back. Take this guy for example...

Homes Under The Hammer on TV

Midday and I have not done anything

Come first place and didn't try

Someone's saving seven lives

I can barely save Izzy's ice cream

Blackaby - Warm And Sweet

Here's a band with the wonderfully old-fashioned name of Courting, and a song I initially thought was about the Talking Heads man's arse, until I put my glasses on...

Homes Under the Hammer, well, it blares from the bar

Until Daddy picks him up in his European sports car

"A '19 plate?" Well, he muses who made it

"Built in England," he wonders, "a Britishman's labour"

Courting - David Byrne's Bad Side

And here's Bob Mortimer, the half of Vic n Bob that I actually find funny...

Sly Stallone

Is all alone

Sly Stallone

Is in his home

He's all alone

Sly Stallone

He’s been eating

A potato

Suddenly he wakes up

And stares at the potato

Then turns on the TV

Then looks at the potato

He changes the channel

To Homes Under the Hammer

Then looks at his potato

And touches the potato

Bob Mortimer - Sly Stallone

Next up, another lovely little discovery: Colonel Dax. No, not the Kirk Douglas character from Paths Of Glory, but a guy called Tom Hughes from North Wales who likes listening to The Cure.

I'm walking on the pavement across from her old house.

Whoever lives there now is watching Homes Under the Hammer on the couch.

They look like they're a pair who've found what I could never find,

But maybe that's 'cos I'm the type to peek through people's blinds.

It's funny, they're sat in the exact spot I was sitting when she kicked me out.

Colonel Dax - Listening To The Cure

I had a quick look at who the presenters were on Homes Under The Hammer, and I didn't recognise any of them... except for Tommy Walsh. And the only reason I knew his name was because of Nigel Blackwell...

Half Man Half Biscuit - Tommy Walsh's Eco House 

Finally, here's the song that inspired this post, from one of my albums of the year, The Last Rotation of Earth. From listening to this record, it's clear that Brian Camplight rarely leaves his Manchester home, and the most excitement he has in his day is chatting with the Tesco delivery driver. But he's still managed to produce a cracking record. He claims it will be his last, which would be a crying shame, but I guess those daytime TV shows won't watch themselves...

I think I figured it out, it's right in front of me

Inflation or something to do with the Tories

She asks what we're building, I said, "What do you think this is -

Homes Under The Hammer?

I'm the perfect man"