Celebrity Jukebox #84: Barry Humphries

Humour is very subjective. I never got the big deal about Dame Edna... though according to Barry Humphries' biographer, he was not only "the most significant theatrical figure of our time … [but] the most significant comedian to emerge since Charlie Chaplin". 

(Whisper it now... I never got Chaplin either. Laurel & Hardy? Harold Lloyd? Fine. But Chaplin's sad clown act just got on my wick.)

Anyway, you didn't come here to hear my thoughts on comedy... you came here to hear some tunes that pay tribute to the late Barry Humphries and his most famous creation. You've got to respect Dame Edna for this letter that appeared in last week's Telegraph...

And here she is in all her glory...

Dame Edna Everage - Disco Matilda

Now here's a singer who has appeared in this feature before. 

I have been traveling since 1981

I've been to Australia twice

I saw Dame Edna in the outback sun

I’ve been to Switzerland, Germany, England, Canada

Alaska, Hawaii, and the continuous states

Everywhere I go, strangers talk to me

I guess I have a friendly face

Christine Lavin - Strangers Talk To Me In Colorado Springs On A Thursday Night

Next, some Australian hip hop... though you'd probably have worked that out for yourself.

Grew up on that Ramsey Street
All my neighbours my family
Dame Edna my Granny

Eleji - Dust

And here's one of the stars of RuPaul's drag race, clearly following in Dame Edna's footsteps... or not.

But what about Divine?
Bitch stole from me all the time!
What about Lady Bunny?
That man's not even funny
What about Dame Edna?
I'm gonna ignore what you just said-na

Alaska Thunderfuck - I Invented That (feat. Jackie Beat)

To be honest, none of the above would have been enough to merit an entry on the jukebox for Barry... were it not for the song below. I'm surprised that I've been doing this feature 9 months now and this is the first time it's appeared. I'm sure it won't be the last...

Sometimes I feel that the whole world's going mad
Mork and Mindy, Brian Hayes
Barry Humphries, Paris Grey
Little Neepsie, Chris and Do
Hello, hello, hello, hello...

Celebrity Jukebox #44: Barbara Cartland

One of the best-selling authors of the 20^th Century, and the 6^th most translated author worldwide*, Dame Barbara Cartland wrote a grand total of 723 novels in her 98 years on earth, and holds a Guinness World Record for Most Books Published In One Year (191 in 1977).

 *In case you’re wondering,  Agatha Christie is at #1, Shakespeare is at #4, just below Jules Verne, and I’ve never heard of the televangelist “author” at #2. I was at least pleased to see Enid Blyton keeping Barbara out of the Top 5.

Just as I’ve never read any Henry Miller, I’ve never read any Barbara Cartland either. So Barbara, what would you say is the biggest difference between you and Henry?

“My heroines are always virgins; they never go to bed without a ring on their fingers—not until page 118 at least!”

No wonder Princess Di was such a fan. I wonder if the former Lady Spencer owned a copy of Babs’s debut LP, recorded in 1978 with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra…?

Barbara Cartland - If You Were the Only Girl in the World

You might not expect Barbara to inspire quite as much devotion from the world of rock ‘n’ roll as Henry did… but you might be surprised.

The most obvious Barbara Cartland fan in rock is Bob Geldof. Of course. Here she is in one of my favourite Boomtown Rats songs…

Oh, everybody tries
It’s Dale Carnegie gone wild
But Barbara Cartland’s smile
Long ago perfected the motionless glide

Boomtown Rats - Diamond Smiles

Robbie Williams, on the other hand, is trying a little too hard to shock when he sings about being a Teenage Millionaire.

Bothered Judy Garland
When I buggered Barbara Cartland
Champagne in my bidet
The press all had a field day

20 years earlier, that might have been shocking, Robbie. By 1997, nobody gave a monkey’s…

Robbie Williams - Teenage Millionaire

New York folkster Christine Lavin seems a far more traditional Barbara Cartland fan…

We’ll read Barbara Cartland novels
Cry at the end of every chapter
With heaving bosoms, the lovers
“Lived happily ever after”
We’ll believe it when she writes that

Christine Lavin - Please Don't Make Me Too Happy

Perhaps the most amusing reference I found to Ms. Cartland though comes from a changed lyric in a famous cover version. When Abba originally recorded The Day Before You Came, Agnetha makes reference to reading the work of radical feminist author Marilyn French to help her get to sleep…

I must have read a while
The latest one by Marilyn French
Or something in that style

ABBA - The Day Before You Came

However, when the song was covered by Blancmange a few years later, Neil Arthur clearly found that a little too heavy for own his bedtime reading…

I must have read a while
The latest one by Barbara Cartland
Or something in that style

Blancmange - The Day Before You Came

You could write a book about the difference between Marilyn and Barbara… but I haven’t got time. Because I’ve got 80s punk band The Gymslips to listen to. Who better than to pay tribute to the delightful Dame Babs?

Barbara Cartland in a mansion

Manages on a pension

Poor old girl

What a life she's led

With a stately home

And a four poster bed