Celebrity Jukebox #3: Peter Lorre

"Wondering who else is going to pop up in this series now," said Alyson in last week's comments. "I know of one song where Peter Lorre is mentioned but surely there can't be many more. Maybe time to prove me wrong."

Well, I do like a challenge. And Casablanca was on TV this weekend... though Lorre has a better role in The Maltese Falcon, in my humble opinion. He and Bogie were mates, apparently. 

Let's see if I can find the song Alyson was referring to...

Could it be this?

Lou Reed & Metallica - Brandenburg Gate

I would cut my legs and tits off

When I think of Boris Karloff and Kinski

In the dark of the moon

It made me dream of Nosferatu

Trapped on the isle of Doctor Moreau

Oh wouldn't it be lovely

Hang on, Lou. It's Peter Lorre we're looking for, not those guys...

I was thinking Peter Lorre

When things got pretty gory as I

Crossed to the Brandenburg Gate

I was feeling snappy perhaps I'd been napping

As I just ate

A following heart can tear you apart

On a midnight to eight shift

A graveyard romance can only give one chance

As the tombstones weave and breathe

That'll do.

Do you know what? I've never heard that before. But I like it far more than I expected to.

This one, on the other hand, has actually featured on this blog before...

Kurtis Blow & Run DMC - 8 Million Stories

You wake up in the morning and you're feelin' blue

Because Vicki is gone and your money is too

She's more sinister than Peter Lorre

And this is just two of 8 million stories

Probably not the one Alyson was referring to though. Are there any songs actually named after Mr. Lorre? Turn out: yes... this one even has 80 views on youtube!

The World/Inferno Friendship Society - Peter Lorre

This one, however, actually comes from my own record collection...

Peter Lorre, Peter Lorre 

He's a brick, he's a brick

You can count on him in trouble 

Even if it's really thick

Any crisis, he'll be there 

Like a little squidgy bear

Peter Lorre, Peter Lorre 

He's a brick

Peter Lorre, Peter Lorre 

Runs a nightclub way downtown

Peter Lorre, Peter Lorre 

Always wears a evil frown

Don't spit on his shoes 

Or mess up his hair

Or he will shoot you dead 

And go back upstairs

A real gentleman

Never bad and never rude

Never mad and never crude

Just like Sydney Greenstreet

Just like Sydney... Green...street

In any crisis he'll be there

Like a little squidgy bear

That's Peter Lorre, not Sydney Greenstreet

You know I'm going to declare that today's winner, don't you? Even though it's not the song Alyson was referring to. Let's call that a worthy runner-up...

On a morning from a Bogart movie

In a country where they turn back time

You go strolling through the crowd like Peter Lorre

Contemplating a crime

Sorry, Alyson!

Saturday Snapshots #179: A Top Ten Million Songs

Who better to illustrate our TOP TEN MILLION SONGS than the Six Million Dollar Man himself? You know if they remade that today, he'd probably have to be a Six Billion Dollar Man? Six Million probably wouldn't even buy him a bionic leg.

Lee Majors, ladies and gentleman... the American Dennis Waterman.

Now onto the answers. Blame Lynchie if they were too hard this week. He said last week's were too easy!

10. Pow!

Take THAT!

I make no apologies for featuring Take That here. As boy bands go, they have at least three decent songs. Yes, Gary Barlow is a twonk, but Robbie makes up for that.

Take That - A Million Love Songs

9. Too much steak can clog the arteries - not sensible!

It's not Captain Sensible who's risking his heart over beef!

Captain Beefheart - Her Eyes Are a Blue Million Miles

8. Mixed up male tit.

Mix up "male tit" and you get...

Mattiel - Millionaire

7. Gym shoes.

The Plimsouls - A Million Miles Away

6. Pull any string to unravel.

"Pull any" twisted up leaves you with...

Lyn Paul - It Ought To Sell A Million

See - Take That wasn't the worst song this week! They both share a groovy saxophone though.

5. Story time in the oasis.

Rory, Rory, tell a story to the Gallaghers...

Rory Gallagher - A Million Miles Away

4. How Tony put out his candles.

With a (Tony) Curtis blow...

Kurtis Blow - 8 Million Stories

3. Crocodile hating physician.

Dr. Hook - The Millionaire

2. Drabber artisans are not on for this ape!

"Drabber artisans" was an anagram. 

A gibbon is an ape... but this gibbon is not on, so it's just a Gibb.

Barbra Streisand & Barry Gibb - Guilty (One In A Million)

The version in my music library has brackets. I don't know why, because most of the time the title is just Guilty, no brackets. The Human Nature cover has brackets though, if you're interested. You shouldn't be, because it's awful.

1. He's pretty good at this quiz.

The gentleman above is Ken Sweeney. He was the lead singer of a band called... Brian!

(I did want this clue to involve Mrs. Brian, but that would have been too obvious.)

Join me again next week for more of the unknown snapshots that make Saturday such a star...

Saturday Snapshots #73 - The Answers

In This World, there are few certainties. Sometimes people go to Extreme Ways to solve Saturday Snapshots. Other times, you Lift Me Up with your answers. No wonder this is a quiz that will Run On (for a long time).

I think Lynchie did just enough to take the prize this week, but there were good efforts from everyone else, particularly George, who confessed to helping Bill Wyman break into the charts. You're an accessory, George, you're going down for that.

You want answers, Honey? Go!


10. Put your lips together like you wanna Move On Up... but these will stop you in your tracks.

Curtis Mayfield sang Move On Up.

You put your lips together and blow, said Lauren Bacall.

Brakes will stop you in your tracks. Hopefully.

Kurtis Blow - The Breaks

9. Bees bring me out in a rash... like Public Enemy Number One.

Bees live in hives.

Hives are also a nasty rash.

Public Enemy No.1 would be the Main Offender.

The Hives - Main Offender

8. I am a musicien de célébrités... not a Geordie L'addition.

Wey aye, man - l'addition is the bill, like.

Bill Wyman - (Si Si) Je Suis Un Rock Star

Video of the week. Hell, video of the year. You will have nightmares.

7. Summer holiday at sea? Enjoy your trip...

A July cruise, perhaps?

Julee Cruise - Falling

6. Sweet home kids can't see Christ's explosive punch.

The Blind Boys of Alabama - (Jesus Hit Like The) Atom Bomb

5. Teenage revolt in the slums.

Skid Row - Youth Gone Wild

(I knew Rigid Digit would guess this one.)

4. A fantastic custom... aka Martini Tat.

Aka Martini Tat is an anagram.

Tanita Tikaram - A Good Tradition

3. A canary, like the Two Tommies.

A canary works in a coal mine.

Tommy Lee.

Tommy Dorsey.

Lee Dorsey - Working In The Coal Mine

2. Underwater breathing apparatus will burn out your retinas.

Aqualung - Brighter Than The Sun

1. MDMA overdose? Call for the army geologist.

MDMA is another name for Ecstasy.

XTC - Sgt. Rock Is Going To Help Me



Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad on a Sunday morning? Is it the knowledge that we'll have to wait another week for more Saturday Snapshots? That's Natural Blues, right there...

My Top Ten Car Parts Songs

This week, I'm going to build a car, from scratch, out of songs...

No wheels or tyres though, they'll get a separate Top Ten... some other time. There were far too many to choose from.

Special mention to The Brakes. And, of course, Bruce Springsteen, the man you need to see if you require any Spare Parts.



10. The Bluetones - One Speed Gearbox

Ah, the old "describing myself as a knackered old car" metaphor put to excellent use by Mark Morriss and chums.

I need a station
I need a break
I need an oil change
I need something to help me along on my way
Just need something to keep me awake

Yep, I know that feeling.

Elvis Costello has an equally ineffective gearbox... 5ive Gears in Reverse.

9. Primal Scream - Accelerator

Very disappointed I couldn't find a song called Clutch.

This is from one of my favourite Primal Scream albums, XTRMNTR, although I have to be in the right kind of mood to listen to it. It's LOUD.

8. Joy Division - Transmission

As bleak as you feel after you get a huge repair bill when you only took your car in for a simple MOT.

7. Kurtis Blow - The Breaks (sic)

Strictly speaking, this shouldn't be allowed because of the homophone. However, I'm going to bend the rules and allow it because...

i) The opening lyric, wherein Kurtis raps about "brakes on a bus, brakes on a car".

ii) It's freakin' amazing.

Fans of 6Music will hear this song quite a lot. Even though it's 34 years old and was never a hit, breakfast show presenter Shaun Keaveny plays it about once a week.

6. Sniff 'n' The Tears - Driver's Seat

Proper musos and indie kids will be horrified that this fares better than Joy Division and Primal Scream. I am an odd music fan, aren't I?

Anyway, I was amused to read that while this record was a big hit across the world, it failed to chart in the band's home country (the UK) because of a distribution problem caused by the record company. D'oh. Incredibly, despite being one hit wonders, Sniff 'n' The Tears appear to still be semi-active. Their last album was released in 2011.

5. Grace Jones - Pull Up To The Bumper

Shows what an innocent child I was... I had no idea, until a few weeks ago, just how filthy this song is. I actually thought it was about a long black limousine pulling up to Grace's bumper and then... erm... driving inbetween.

Yeah, I never really got that last bit.

4. Eminem featuring Nate Reuss - Headlights

On which Marshall "apologises" to his mum for all the nasty things he's rapped about her over the years. And who knew the bloke from Fun was Marshall's brother?

Oh, and something about headlights.

3. Radiohead - Airbag

In a fast German car, an airbag saves Thom Yorke's life.

Typical Audi driver.

From The Bends, Radiohead at their best.

2. Meat Loaf - Objects In The Rearview Mirror (May Appear Closer Than They Are) / Paradise By The Dashboard Light 

How about that - a two-fer at #2! Two genuine Jim Steinman epics, one from the original Bat Out Of Hell album, the other from its underrated sequel.

I've written about Paradise... before (I even gave it a much-deserved Number One) so here's a few words about Objects... or OITRM(MACTTA) if you're into that whole brevity thing:

Wow.

Amazing.

Tragic.

Haunting.

Heartbreaking.

And when the sun descended and the night arose
I heard my father cursing everyone he knows
He was dangerous and drunk and defeated
And corroded by failure and envy and hate 

If this song doesn't tear your heart out like a Thuggee priest, then you just don't get the Steinman / Meat Loaf combo at their mad and melodramatic best.

She used her body just like a bandage,
She used my body just like a wound
I'll probably never know where she disappeared
But I can see her rising up out of the back seat now
Just like an angel rising up from a tomb

Make no mistake about it: that is superior songwriting in action.

1. Johnny Cash - One Piece At A Time

And yet, much as I love those last two records, much as I'd sell my soul to the devil for a Jim & Meat double-decker, I had to give this week's Number One to Johnny as he steals an entire Cadillac from the General Motors factory in his lunchbox... one piece at a time. Over a number of years.

What could possibly go wrong with that plan?

Now up to now my plan went alright
'Til we tried to put it all together one night
And that's when we noticed that something was definitely wrong
The transmission was a '53 and
The motor turned out to be a '73 and
When we tried to put in the bolts all the holes were gone

Someone actually built a working model of the car Johnny describes in this song - it's pictured below.




Leave a comment if you think you can do better than a Kwik Fit Fitter...