I think I've smoked about three cigarettes in my life, and each time was to impress a girl. The same girl. I suppose I kind of liked the buzz, but not enough (thankfully) to become addicted or have any desire to spend any of my own hard-earned cash on the things. How many fewer CDs would have I have been able to afford, if I'd developed a habit? How many comics would I not have been able to buy?
My dad smoked cigars when I was a kid, and I always loved the smell of them. As he got older, and had less money, he switched to a pipe and tobacco. I've probably mentioned this before, but one day in his early 60s, a doctor told him, "you keep smoking that pipe and you won't be here in ten years time". So my dad quit, cold turkey, and lived another 30 years... although arguably some damage had already been done, and he struggled with emphysema and other bronchial disorders, and (old age aside), those were probably what got him in the end.
My Mum only smoked the occasional cigarette, at parties. Whenever I saw her with one in her hand, I became upset. I grew up watching some pretty graphic smoking ads on TV... from an early age, I was pretty well indoctrinated against fags... unless I thought I might use one to get a girl to like me.
It's hard to believe now just how much the smell of cigarette smoke used to be everywhere when we were teenagers... and how rare it is to smell them these days. It's all bloody vapes with the kids these days. Horrible things, with their claggy, artificial scents. Makes me feel a certain nostalgia for fag smoke... and definitely for cigars.
Here's one I've featured on this blog before... but time is tight, so you'll have to excuse me.
The original, of course, is a Shel Silverstein song made famous by Dr. Hook. To steal a chunk from my post on another famous Dr. Hook tune, which mentioned this in passing...
It turns out Sylvia's Mother is a true story too - Shel was in love with a woman called Sylvia Pandolfi, but she ran off with another man and ended up as a curator at the Museo de Arte Carrillo Gil in Mexico City. Shel tried desperately to rekindle that romance, but the only contact he had for Sylvia was her mum, and she wasn't having any of it. Nowadays, she'd probably report him as a stalker. I guess "Please, Mrs. Pandolfi" didn't quite scan, so Avery it was.
Yes, Mrs. Avery made quite the impression on us. So much so that she (or her Namesake... though surely there can be only one true Mrs. Avery) also shows up here...
David Rotheray, former songwriting partner of Paul Heaton in The Beautiful South, produced a whole album worth of "answer songs" back in 2013, including this...
Our best hope for an official sequel to Sylvia's Mother comes from The Men They Couldn't Hang, on their 2009 album Devil On The Wind. Here, Mrs. Avery has to deal with the young man who kept pestering her over the phone in the original song. He's now camped out in her garden, bemoaning the disappearance of Sylvia, so Mrs. A has to call his dad to come sort him out... I'm not quite sure how she reacts when dad then puts the moves on her. But let's be charitable and hope for some kind of happy ending...
Gracie Fields introduced this week's quiz yesterday. I was most disappointed that I couldn't find a photo of Sally Field holding a camera... so you'll just have to do with a picture of a camera in a field.
Welcome back to the Hot 100 as we come of age - backwards - with only 17 more weeks to go before I get to have a lie down. As has become customary in recent weeks, there's a ton of songs to get through... so let's get cracking.
Fascinating facts about Pete Wingfield (I bought "18 With A Bullet" in 1975 - fantastically fun lyrics): He produced Searching for the Young Soul Rebels the first album by Dexys Midnight Runners - and also produced The Proclaimers "Sunshine on Leith". He's played keyboards for Van Morrison, The Everly Brothers, The Housemartins and many more. Sadly however, he did play piano for The Alan Parsons Project, but nobody's perfect.
In the blue corner, here's... erm... Lynchie...
...and then there's the great Alice Cooper song: "I'm Eighteen".
I definitely second FBCB's suggestion of Alice Cooper's 'I'm Eighteen'. A few years ago Mr SDS did his best Alice Cooper impression at a fancy dress party (it was so hot his eyeliner ran and the great thing was that it didn't matter...) Somewhere out there now there's a priceless photo of Alice, Slash and Ozzy together in a scout hut in Essex.
And this week's winner...?
Well, it's obvious really, isn't it?
Well done, Lynchie.
Next week - 17. Off the top of my head, there can be only one winner. You may seek to persuade me otherwise...
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