Self-Help For Cynics #36: Bob

Alice Cooper - Nobody Likes Me

There’s this guy I work with who is, to put it bluntly, a bit of a dick. We’ll call him Bob. Because his name is Robert Brown and his address is 32 Acacia Gardens, LS3 6JN. OK, I made that up for the purpose of the joke. He’s not really called Bob. That is his actual address though, if you want to go push rotting vegetables through his letterbox.

Prince - Bob George

The interesting thing about Bob is that I’m not the only one who thinks he’s a dick. Everyone in our office feels the same. (Fortunately, he doesn’t work in our office, he’s in the one down the corridor. Yet I seriously suspect that many of the people who work in that office also think he’s a dick.)

I Don't Know How But They've Found Me - Nobody Likes The Opening Band

However, Bob is not, on the surface, an unpleasant person. He’ll always say hello with a smile and ask how you’re doing. And he’ll tip his head slightly to one side as you answer, to show that he’s listening. But surface is all it is. You can just tell. Underneath he’s shallow and self-important, probably lazy, vain and dishonest: a textbook narcissist.

Go-Kart Mozart - We're Selfish & Lazy & Greedy

Given that the people I work with all have different likes and dislikes, different interests, cares and concerns (although they’re all pretty decent folk – no Tories, for example), how come we’ve all arrived, pretty independently, at the same conclusion when it comes to Bob? We don’t share the same unified opinion about everyone else in the world – certain of my colleagues might even have a good word to say about Tom Hanks, Noel Gallagher or Scrappy Doo, for example, and I won’t hold it against them. So why do we all think Bob is a dick?

The Wedding Present - Everyone Thinks He Looks Daft

Scientists and psychologists have a number of answers for the Everyone Thinks He’s A Dick phenomenon. The first of those is plain, old-fashioned narcissism. You’re probably aware that the word comes from Narcissus, a character from Ovid's Metamorphoses who is cursed by the gods to fall in love with his own reflection. When he realises his reflection won’t ever love him back, he dies of a broken heart. In the early 20^th century, various psychoanalysts began to use the term narcissism to refer to people who are condescending, feel superior to others, are preoccupied with admiration, and exhibit a lack of empathy. Just like Bob.

Trixie's Big Red Motorbike - Norman And Narcissus

On a side note, I was interested to read that German psychoanalyst Karen Horney believed narcissism existed on a sliding scale “that ranged from healthy self-esteem to a pathological state”. Which suggests that the only way you can claim not to be a narcissist is if you believe you’re actually a bit rubbish. I guess I’m safe there then.

Hapshash & The Coloured Coat - Blue Narcissus

Beyond narcissism, we get to a more modern definition of why everyone thinks Bob is a dick: affective presence. Coined by psychologists Noah Eisenkraft and Hillary Anger Elfenbein as recently as 2010, their study suggests that some people have the gift – or the curse – to make everyone feel good about them… or to think they’re a dick.

Mindtools explains…

Some individuals exert a palpable emotional influence that can either make others feel at ease, or uneasy.

Satan's Rats - You Make Me Sick

Affective presence refers to how we make other people feel, just by being around them, regardless of our own emotions or intentions. It's an overall, lasting effect we leave on others.

Swans - You Fucking People Make Me Sick

The researchers were clear to draw a line between affective presence and another phenomenon known as “emotional contagion” – which is basically how happy people might make you feel more happy and miserable people might make you want to slit your own wrists. (Besides, we all know this isn’t always the case – overly positive people can be a pain in the arse, whereas depressives with a sense of humour can sometimes cheer you up… I hope, anyway.)

The Skodas - Everybody Thinks Everybody Else Is Dead Bad 

Scientific American drills into the affective presence research in a little more depth, revealing an interesting nugget that I’ll leave you to ponder on, as it seems to me to be at the root of Bob’s problems…

In the research group, people who “described themselves as both ‘extroverted’ and ‘disagreeable’ were more likely to have a negative effect on” others. You may well ask why anyone would go out of their way to describe themselves as ‘disagreeable’? (I’m not sure Bob would… but then, I’m trying to limit the time I spend in his presence, so I’m not going to ask him). It's an interesting combination though - somewhere between Timmy Mallett and Jeremy Clarkson. Now imagine having to work with that!