My Top Ten

Tuesday, 24 March 2026

Namesakes #181: The Secrets

Shhh!

I've got a Secret for you this week.

Well, lots of Secrets, actually.

Don't tell anyone...

THE SECRETS #1

Let's kick off in 1960 with the wonderfully monikered Hollis Champion and his Secrets. A little after this recording, Hollis would move to Nashville and change his name to Elmer Fudpucker where he would enjoy a long career making comedy records. I prefer his original name.

Hollis Champion & The Secrets - Ol' Red Devil

THE SECRETS #2

Next up, let's have some twangy surf rock from 1962, shall we? I don't know what the big deal is about having a twin exhaust - me, I want my car to make less noise, not more!

The Secrets - Twin Exhaust

THE SECRETS #3

In early 1963, members of Philadelphia band The Fabulous Four joined singer Carlo Gerace for an equestrian jamboree...

Carlo & The Secrets - Pont Party

THE SECRETS #4

A Cleveland, Ohio, girl group who made the US Top 20 in 1963 with a song about falling for the boy next door... even though he's a bit of a git, by all accounts. I'd keep well away, if I were you, ladies.

The Secrets - The Boy Next Door

THE SECRETS #5

Still in '63, Colleen Kaye has a shameful secret - what did she do with Joey's diamond ring?

Colleen Kaye & The Secrets - Joey's Diamond Ring

THE SECRETS #6

From Kidderminster in the mid-60s came our next set of Secrets - also billed as Martin Raynor And The Secrets and later Simon's Secrets... though it appears most of their songs were written by soon-to-be-solo-star Clifford T. Ward. Although he became known for more heartfelt ballads in the 70s, it turns out Ward had a cheeky sense of humour in his younger days, as demonstrated on lyrics like this one...

The Secrets - I Think I Need the Cash

THE SECRETS #7

Canadian Secrets from 1966, led by one Douglas Rankine. He got top billing on the tune below, but after that kept his name a Secret. This one, a novelty song about a hockey player, made it to number one on CHUM Radio in Toronto for two weeks. Pedigree!

The Secrets - Clear The Track, Here Comes Shack

THE SECRETS #8

Milwaukee garage band from '66...

The Secrets - I Know It's You

THE SECRETS #9

A couple of years back (how time flies!), George treated us to a Strangers Namesakes. Number #14 on his list were a group of New Zealand Strangers, featuring future Uriah Heep bassist, Gary Thain. When Gary left The Strangers, he moved to Australia and became part of The Secrets. After that, he joined The New Nadir, who were very popular in Switzerland. Then he played at Woodstock with the Keef Hartley Band. Then he joined the Heep. Don't tell me I don't do the research if it's there to be done.

The Secrets - You're Wrong

THE SECRETS #10

Also in 1966, these Secrets (also known as the Wooden Nickels) were recording in LA, and featured Brenda Holloway and her sister Patrice on vocals. Brenda was also signed to Motown at the time, so there's some debate online about whether she sang this in... erm... Secret... to keep Berry Gordy in the dark. The tune was later resurrected by the Wigan Casino DJs.

The Secrets - I Feel A Thrill Coming On

THE SECRETS #11

Swedish Secrets from '66 - can we say sibilance? This was the B-side to their cover of one of my least favourite Beatles songs.

The Secrets - If You Hear Me Knockin'

THE SECRETS #12

1966 was a big year for Secrets. Here's some from Baton Rouge, fronted by Lee Tillman. Another tune that was later revived by the Northern Soul scene.

Lee Tillman & The Secrets - She's The One I Love

THE SECRETS #13

Dutch pop group who started in the late 60s singing background vocals and TV soundtracks before graduating to the "big" time...

The Secrets - Suzanne Suzanne

THE SECRETS #14

German Secrets from sometime in the 60s. They had some Kinks records in their collection.

The Secrets - Unfold Her Longing Heart

THE SECRETS #15

Psychedelic Secrets from the Netherlands in 1969. Impressively, for the time, they even shot their own video.

The Secrets - Poor Strong Night

THE SECRETS #16

We're clearly in the 70s now - there's more than whiff of Bay City Rollers about these UK Secrets.

The Secrets - Sha La Ley

THE SECRETS #17

Disco/soul floor filler from 1975 - further information lost to the grubby disco floors of yore.

The Secrets - (Baby) Save Me

THE SECRETS #18

Kansas City Secrets, first whispered about in 1979. Always got a soft spot for Power Pop.

The Secrets - It's Your Heart Tonight

THE SECRETS #19

Canadian punks from 1980, featuring Freddie Pompeii on vocals.

The Secrets - Teenage Rampage

THE SECRETS #20

Californian Secrets from 1980, featuring a Mr. Jack Hammer on drums. I'd love it if that was his real name.

The Secrets - Wishful Thinking

SECRETS #21

Another disco tune, from the US in 1981, though it may or may not have been a hit in Japan. The only band member listed in discogs is Israeli-born musician Noam Kaniel, who it appears went on to become a composer for TV cartoon soundtracks, including Power Rangers, The Fantastic Four and He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.

Secrets - Mr. Boogie Man

SECRETS #22

1983 brings us this "AOR Pomp Hard Rock band from Texas". Don't ask me: sometimes I just copy and paste.

Secrets - Last Man On Earth

THE SECRETS #23

Californian Secrets who desperately wanted to be Duran Duran in 1984. Didn't we all?

The Secrets - Girls Will Be Girls

THE SECRETS #24

12 inches of 1985 dance-soul from Chicago... I hope you like it.

Secrets - I Like It

THE SECRETS #25

Country rock Secrets from 1985 Massachusetts...

The Secrets - Ways I Forget About You

SECRETS #26

Funky New York jazz instrumentalists from 1986, competitors in the Budweiser Showdown Tournament Of Jams. Not sure if they won.

Secrets - After Hours

THE SECRETS #27

Our sole 90s Secrets hail from Massapequa, New York.

The Secrets - (Just A) Dream

THE SECRETS #28

Racket-making Secrets from Virginia in the year the computers didn't all die like we expected them to. Lead singer Stevie was also in bands called Big Bobby And The Nightcaps, Pearl Schwartz, Pt109, The Bomb Pops, The Devil Dogs, The Dirty Fingers, The Vikings, The Matadors, The Villains and... best of all... Adam West. It turns out there are quite a few Adam Wests in rock 'n' roll, so I may have to look into that further.

Stevie & The Secrets - Who's Walkin' Who

THE SECRETS #29

Australian Secrets who may well have been around in the 80s, but released this in 2002...

The Secrets - Claudette Jones

THE SECRETS #30

Boston-based Secrets from 2002 with an unseasonal song. Surely if they waited for the snowploughs, their journey would be a lot easier?

The Secrets - Get Here Before The Snowploughs Do

THE SECRETS #31

More Australian Secrets, from 2007, led by JC himself... Johnny Casino, that is.

Johnny Casino & The Secrets - Take Me Down To Your River

THE SECRETS #32

The Secrets of Dorset... revealed in 2008.

The Secrets - Wild River

SECRETS #33

Metalcore / post-hardcore... I'm never sure how the suffix "-core" gets used in musical terms... is it the same as "-gate" in politics? SECRETS (they insist on ALL CAPS, apparently) came from San Diego in 2010 and despite "line-up instability", appear to be still going. Although they may or may not have lost their "clean" vocalist. These kinds of bands tend to employ both "clean" and "unclean" vocalists... take a listen and I'm sure you'll be able to spot the difference. One of them sounds like he's singing, the other one sounds like he needs an exorcist.

Secrets - Somewhere In Hiding

THE SECRETS #34

And finally today, some New Found Secrets... well, the came from Newfoundland in 2014.

The Secrets - Shack Shake

I'll let you into a secret. There were more than 33. A lot more. But after a while, I lose the will to live.

Which is your secret favourite... and which ones would you prefer I'd kept Secret?

Monday, 23 March 2026

Celebrity Jukebox #73: Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was once bitten by a king cobra; after ten excruciating minutes, the cobra died.

Ben messaged me midway through Friday afternoon to pass on the news that Chuck Norris had passed. My immediate reaction?

No. Way.

There would have been an expletive in the middle of that, but I was at work.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the Earth down.

I can't say I was ever a fan of Chuck Norris, but I'm still glad he existed. I do have fond memories of seeing his movies every Saturday afternoon in the local video shop. The ACTION MOVIES shelf was right next to the HORROR MOVIES shelf. My attention was always focused solely on the latter - unless I'd decided I wanted to watch Back To The Future or Ferris Bueller's Day Off again. Beyond Die Hard and Lethal Weapon, I didn't have much interest in the action films.

If you have $5 and Chuck Norris has $5, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Back in the early days of the internet, Chuck Norris Facts became one of the first memes. They may have originated with a writer called Ian Spector who eventually published a series of collections, but many were just made up by people online. They played up to the idea that Chuck Norris was the toughest guy on the planet, and although Norris himself downplayed their significance, it's clear they played a big part in turning an average B-movie into a living, breathing icon.

Chuck Norris didn't dial the wrong number. You picked up the wrong phone.

This one was always my favourite.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

Speaking of counting, I broke the lyrics search engine when I asked it to suggest songs with Chuck Norris in them. There are literally THOUSANDS of them. Most of them are rap songs, because toughness by association is a number one device in rap lyrics. Most of them weren't very good either. Chuck Norris deserved better.

Here are a couple I liked...

I could never die, I'm Chuck Norris
Fuck the government and fuck Boris

Stormzy - Vossi Bop

I want to kill Chuck Norris
And my trick is the invisible fist

Ice Cube - Street Fighter

Chuck Norris's Social Security number is the last nine digits of pi.

And here's one I've actually been listening to lately, from the world's best pop-punk pranksters, Bowling For Soup. This is a song about a woman who's got an abusive boyfriend, and what B4S would like to do to him...

I wish Bruce Lee was here right now
(With his fists of fury)
With his trusty nun-
Chuck Norris is still alive
So let's call up Walker, Texas Ranger
All the dudes from Danger Danger
Let's get the A-Team, 50-Cent with his bling-bling
And a couple of prison guards...

It takes a bad man to slap her around.
Such a tough guy to keep such a good girl down.
She's wearing shades but we all see
Behind the tinted glass.
And I've got 99 biker friends
That wanna kick your ass.

Bowling For Soup - 99 Biker Friends

Speaking of Chuck's long-running TV show, Walker, Texas Ranger... let's not forget that he did a Dennis Waterman on that...

There was once a street named after Chuck Norris, but the name was changed as nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

There's even a band named after him. Ladies and gentleman, I give you... The Chuck Norris Experiment.

So yeah, when I heard Chuck Norris was dead, my reaction was a firm No. Way.

Because if Chuck can go, the rest of us are screwed.

We really are in the End Times now.

Sunday, 22 March 2026

Snapshots #440 - Songs About Cars

This is the actress Zoe Saldana from Star Trek and Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy movies. She's here because of the Renault Zoe. Yesterday, Pablo represented the Citroën. Just be glad I couldn't find any songs (or people) called Duster.

15. Gender equality, favoured by Leatherface.

Leatherface was a dab hand with a chainsaw.

ManWomanChainsaw - Ode To Clio

The Renault Clio.

14. Police, NHS, schools... TV & radio.

Public Service Broadcasting - Spitfire

The Triumph Spitfire

13. Inside Jacob East, i.e. floating devices.

Inside Jacob East, i.e. floating devices. (Buoys.)

Beastie Boys - The Maestro

Austin Maestro. With a VW badge hanging off it.

12. Are you ready? Are you ready?

Open lyrics to Caravan of Love.

Caravan - Golf Girl

VW Golf.

11. Spanish footballer and Argentinian tennis player.

Rodrigo Y Gabriela - Orion

Ford Orion.

10. Innocenti transport.

Innocenti made Lambrettas.

The Lambrettas - Cortina Mk2

Ford Cortina, Mark 2.

9. Jesse, I could've told you, it's a day later in Scotland.

Jesse James; I could've told you, Vincent; Mc..Morrow.

James Vincent McMorrow - Cavalier

Vauxhall Cavalier.

8. Arrives with the cheapo guests.

Cheapo guests.

The Pogues - Fiesta

Ford Fiesta.

7. A pretender, but not so great.

"A pretender" was an anagram... for someone who's making his first, and hopefully last, appearance on this blog...

Peter Andre - Defender

Land Rover Defender.

6. Her mother takes her phone calls.

Sylvia's Mother, of course.

Sylvia - Y Viva Espana

Vauxhall Viva.

5. Sounds like Sinatra's Memory-maker.

Frank / Elaine (Paige)?

Frankie Laine - Granada

Ford Granada - the car my dad use to drive.

4. Irving.

Berlin - The Metro

Mini Metro.

3. Grey-haired Welsh bloke makes a racket with compressed carbon.

Lloyd means "grey haired" in Welsh. Compressed carbon is coal.

Lloyd Cole & The Commotions - 2CV

Citroën 2CV (although the way Lloyd pronounces it, it sounds like "dirt shovel" to me).

2. A newt's key will unlock the answer.

"A newt's key" was an anagram.

Kanye West - Diamonds From Sierra Leone

Ford Sierra - the car my dad drove when he got rid of his Granada.

It's worth pointing out that Kanye complains he couldn't even afford a Ford Escort in that song. Which gives me an excuse to squeeze this in...

Half Man Half Biscuit - Slipping the Escort

1. Obscure band.

Blur - Beetlebum

Drive yourself back here next Saturday for more of the same old cobblers...

Saturday, 21 March 2026

Saturday Snapshots #440

Whether you're an Old Guitarist or a Weeping Woman, there'll be something for you in this week's Snapshots. Hopefully you won't succumb to a Blue Period, and you'll be able to identify enough of the artists below to work out what links their songs...