My Top Ten Stupid Things People Do In Pop Songs

Sometimes pop stars can be proper daft. Here's ten daft things famous people do in pop songs. Don't try these at home...
10. The Smiths - The Queen Is Dead

I broke into the palace with a sponge and a rusty spanner

To do what, exactly? Bleed the royal radiators?

9. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Learning To Fly

I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings

Coming down is the hardest thing

Pretty obvious where you're going wrong there, Tom.

8. Del Amitri - This Side Of The Morning

And when I knew it was over

I jumped into a taxi and said, 

"Just guess where to go"

Well, that's one way to get ripped off by a taxi driver.

7. Ezra Furman - Come Here, Get Away From Me

I got money saved up somewhere

Lost the card and the chequebook, 

The name of the bank 

And that's just careless. No chance of getting a PPI claim out of them either.

6. John Lennon - Nobody Told Me

There's always something cooking and nothing in the pot

Sure fire way to burn your pans, John.

5. Delays - Long Time Coming

Threw your Lego in the lake

Why'd you wanna go do that for?

Take it from me, you don't want to do that, lads - Lego is bloody expensive!

4. Queen - Hammer To Fall

Lock your door

'Cos rain is falling

Through your window pane

Maybe shut the window before worrying about the door, Freddie?

3. Elton John - Your Song

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss

Generally, a roof that's covered in moss is going to be pretty slippy. Look what happened to Rod Hull, Elton. Accident waiting to happen #1.

2. Van Morrison - Brown-Eyed Girl

Slipping and sliding, all along the waterfall with you

Accident waiting to happen #2, Van. 

Sir Thumbsaloft has some advice about that too.

1. Air Supply - All Out Of Love

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone

Thinking of you till it hurts

Well, stop lying with your head on the blinking phone then! Particularly because, back when you muppets recorded this song, telephones looked like this...

Hardly conducive to a good night's sleep, is it?

Get a pillow!

(Same goes to David Bowie - "I leaned back on my radio" - get some bloody cushions!)



Any daft / inexplicable habits pop stars have revealed to you? Please share them with the group.

Radio Songs #42: Seven Seconds

I mentioned in my last radio post how on our Saturday morning quiz The Phantom Phonebox, occasionally we'd call a number only to have a bunch of teenagers scream abuse down the line at us. Trying to swear on live radio is an excellent past-time for the chronically short-of-brain cells, but it's one that we had to contend with far more frequently on the phone-in show.

 (Rigid Digit recently pointed out a couple of fine examples from live TV that live on in infamy.)

You'd be amazed at the lengths people went to in order to get their carefully chosen swearwords heard by thousands. The smart (and I use that word advisedly) ones knew not to scream their abuse the moment they got on air. Far better to lull the presenter into a false sense of security by talking about a subject of the day seriously for a few minutes before screaming, "YOU'RE A TEAPOT!" (replace teapot with your own selection of choice cusswords) in the hope that the jock would be at the back of the studio getting out some ads or doing some other job that stopped them pulling the fader down straight away.

To deal with this - as anyone who's ever listened to a radio phone-in will no doubt know - there is a wonderful device called the 7 second delay. At some point just before the phone-in began, the DJ pressed a button on the desk that slowed down the output by 7 seconds. I'm sure there is a far more hi-tec way of doing this nowadays, but back then this involved inserting tiny milliseconds of dead air in between what was being broadcast until what you heard over the airwaves was no longer live, it was happening seven seconds behind what was happening in the studio. (Eagle-eared listeners could probably tell when the delay was "charging up" as the output sounded a bit wibbly - the jock turned into a Dalek for a couple of minutes - until full delay was achieved.)

Stopping people from shouting "teapot"on live radio was not the main reason to use delay though. It really came into its own - and repaid the radio station's sizeable investment many times over - when it was used to stop people committing slander (not libel - that has to be written down, you utter teapots... god, the amount of times I had to explain that to people over the years) by naming a personal nemesis on air and then accusing them of putting a teapot up their teapot every Tuesday night, with the curtains open. If any such accusations were made... a quick press of the delay button and the last seven seconds of speech never made it to the listener's ears.

The most important reason for using the seven second delay however involved not slander but subjudice - people trying to talk about ongoing court cases. When a trial is taking place, the law forbids public discussion of it. The facts can be reported as news, but commentary, opinion and speculation are illegal. As "producer", one of my jobs was to always ask people if the issues they wanted to discuss involved ongoing court cases - if they did, they wouldn't be allowed on air. However, just as the "teapot" shouters worked out that they'd stand more chance of getting their obscenities broadcast if they lied and faked their way onto the programme, so did those people who wanted to break the law (and involve us, as accessories, in their lawbreaking for broadcasting their public discussion).

Oh, and sometimes the 7 second delay wouldn't work. That would be fun.

42. Youssou N'Dour featuring Neneh Cherry - 7 Seconds

I was never a big Neneh Cherry fan, but I always liked her duet with Senegal's future Minister of Tourism, Youssou N'Dour. And really, what else was I going to play today... apart from maybe something by Delays?

Saturday Snapshots #33 - The Answers

I wouldn't normally post a picture of a young lady in the bath, but given she's the answer to one of this week's questions and she appears to have taken the photo herself, I thought it would be allowed. Sharp-eyed readers (i.e. those of you who don't just come here on a Saturday and/or Sunday) will have noticed that she's already featured on this blog earlier this week anyway. But Snapshots are prepared well in advance of regular postings for reasons too mundane to explain.

For balance, if you want to send me a photo of your favourite male pop star in the bath holding a camera, I'll be sure to feature that some time in the future. As long as it's not Bono.

Anyway, it was pretty much a three horse race this week, with a returning George first out of the raps, followed swiftly by Rigid Digit and Martin, with Lynchie getting half a point to keep him happy. Even though Martin got more correct answers, I'm going to - somewhat controversially - award the crown to George this week because he went above and beyond the call of duty in trying to explain (at least half of) my convoluted clue to #1. And the referee's decision is final...


10. Escape with this Rat Pack sibling.

The Rat Pack did swing music. See?

Swing Out Sister - Breakout

9. The Admiral invites some mates round for a barbecue.

Admiral Nelson.

Ricky Nelson - Garden Party

8. Passing rigs steal Belinda Carlisle's shoes...

Belinda was in the Go-Gos.

Drive-By Truckers - Go Go Boots 

7. I dream of the life of a school governor in Mockingbird county.

I Dream Of Jeannie.

The Life of Riley.

Harper Lee wrote To Kill A Mockingbird.

Jeannie C. Riley - Harper Valley PTA

6. Teenage party game played with a bowler in the pasture.

Bowler hat in a field.

Juliana Hatfield Three - Spin The Bottle

5. Farrell & Firth are professional bigamists. A new paint job is required!

Colin Farrell & Colin Firth are Professionals... ProCol. Important that you spell this band's name correctly to get that clue.

Procol Harum - A Whiter Shade of Pale

4. The beauties enjoy a citrus squeeze.

LaBelle - Lady Marmalade

3. Two mules for sister Stewart! Where Chris, Cliff and Neil went.

Where Chris, Cliff and Neil went.

Where Chris, Cliff and Neil went.

Two Mules For Sister Sarah.

Muffin was a mule.

Martha Stewart.

Chris Rea, Cliff Richard & Neil Young all sang On The Beach.

Is there an echo in here?

Martha & The Muffins - Echo Beach

2. Traffic report: I've been waiting for this for ages!

Delays - Long Time Coming

1. Buck Rogers teleports into Michael's disturbing house to find Billy refusing to let his T-shirt be filmed. (Most convoluted clue ever: extra marks if you can explain it all. Or any of it.)

Buck Rogers was played by Gil Gerard.

Mr. Scott worked the teleporter on the starship Enterprise.

REM (and Michael Stipe) sang about a Disturbance At The Heron House.

Billy Bragg sang that "the revolution is just a T-shirt away". (I own that T-shirt.)




The revolution will not go better with Coke
The revolution will not fight the germs that cause bad breath
The revolution WILL put you in the driver's seat
The revolution will not be televised

But Saturday Snapshots will be back next week.