My Top Ten Sexual Songs

At last, the fourth issue of my comic Too Much Sex & Violence is out! (Should you be at all interested, you can buy it here.)

Way back through the mists of time when I published issue #3, I marked the occasion by compiling My Top Ten Sex Songs and My Top Ten Sexy Songs. At the time, I promised to complete that particular ménage à trois...but I'm afraid I've been a bit of a tease, haven't I? Hopefully you've not lost your appetite for this...


10. The Hot 8 Brass Band - Sexual Healing

It's not often I'll include two versions of the same song in one Top Ten... but this one's so good, I just couldn't resist it.

9. Poison - Sexual Thing

Yes, Poison. Every Rose Has more than just a Thorn.

8. Everclear - My Sexual Life

Struggling to fill that Top Ten? Only found 9 decent tracks? You can always rely on Everclear...

7. Belle & Sebastian - Shoot The Sexual Athlete

Stuart Murdoch pays tribute to the Go-Betweens and other 80s heroes.

6. Jackie Leven - The Sexual Loneliness Of Jesus Christ

I make no apologies for the fact that this song will pop up again in another Top Ten very soon. Because it's bloody great.

5. Relaxed Muscle - Sexualized

Jarvis Cocker sees sex wherever he looks. Even student teachers are sexualized!

Leave it out, Jarvis, I like you... but not in that way.

4. Momus - A Complete History of Sexual Jealousy (Parts 17 - 24)

I'm jealous of the dangling men
You know you'll never go to bed with
I've felt the fire that fires them
I've known the unrequited love it's fed with
And I don't believe in Platonic love
But I'm still jealous of Plato
What a bore!
A Complete History of Sexual Jealousy Parts 17 to 24

3. Readers' Wives - Sexually Attracted To Myself

My old pals Readers' Wives, with one of their very best. Buy the album it came from here. Go on, it's good.

I'm sexually attracted to myself
And for that very reason
I think I might be gay, like

Great Morrissey-esque "oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!" just over a minute into the song.

2. Marvin Gaye - (Sexual) Healing

Would have been Number One if it wasn't for a steward's enquiry. Any song that begins thus...

Baby, I'm hot just like an oven
I need some lovin'

...deserves your respect and admiration.

Radio stations put the S-word in brackets, in case it upset impressionable listeners. BBC DJs at the time of its release were only allowed to call it 'Healing'.

1. Billy Bragg - Sexuality

It was almost too close to call, but how could I relegate Billy's finest pop moment (with a little help from Johnny Marr, Kirsty MacColl and Phil Jupitus) into second place? So many great lines, it's hard to pick a favourite...

I'm sure that everybody knows how much my body hates me
It lets me down most every time and makes me rash and hasty
I feel a total jerk before your naked body of work

Those were my sexual secrets... but which one gets you in the mood?