Teacher Songs #4: Season of Mists...

The Korgis - Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime

My first school teacher was Mrs. Kaye. She was a grand old dame, that's the only way to describe her. Posh, but lovely. Very theatrical. She wrote her own school plays, adapting Tom Sawyer, Charlie & The Chocolate Factory and The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe into scripts that could be performed by 8-10 year olds. I guess she saw some hidden talent in me as she cast me in major roles in the first two - Huckleberry Finn and Willy Wonka... though it was quite a come-down to only appear as Mr. Beaver in the latter. I've no idea what I'd done to deserve that.

The Rare Earth - Is Your Teacher Cool?

I've probably mentioned this before, but years later, when I decided I wanted to be a DJ and a couple of people at the radio station suggested that my Yorkshire accent was a little strong, I went back to Mrs. Kaye for elocution lessons. She'd retired by then, but was happy to get me to read Keats over and over, softening my vowels and slowing my inflection. I can't think about Mrs. Kaye without remembering those summer evenings in her conservatory, picturing ripe fruit, plump hazel shells and vines that round the thatch-eves run... the words from the poem somehow transforming her home into an idyllic country cottage, when it was probably anything but. 

Wide Boy Awake - Slang Teacher

Toyah - Elocution Lesson

Sleaford Mods - Elocution

Nat King Cole - The Rain In Spain

Bertie Fridays #2: He's Got The Mad Hits

I wonder if the first time I ever heard the name Bert Kaempfert, it was in the lyrics of the big 1999 hit by Canadian tongue-in-cheek indie band Barenaked Ladies. Here, this week's Bert shares the limelight with other notable names such as Harrison Ford, LeAnn Rimes, Akira Kurosawa and Sting. You know you've arrived...!

Barenaked Ladies - One Week

(By the way, that song reached Number One on the US charts. Guess how long it spent there?)

Sadly, Bert K died 19 years before the Barenaked Ladies claimed, "Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits", so he had no idea how much his name would live on. But what were the "mad hits" from this German orchestra leader, multi-instrumentalist, music producer, arranger, and composer?

Well, for one, here's a tune made famous by Wayne Newton in the States... though arguably made much more famous by one Ferris Bueller in 1986...

Those of you who are familiar with that movie (and if not, why not?) will recall that Ferris follows up with his take on The Beatles' version of Twist & Shout. And Bert K had his own Beatles connection, hiring the Fab Four to back Tony Sheridan in 1961 for their first commercially released recordings... which led to their discovery by Brian Epstein.

Tony Sheridan & The Beatles - Ain't She Sweet

Bert K was also one of the songwriters responsible for turning German folk song "Muss i denn" into this two minute pop smash...

Elvis Presley - Wooden Heart

Here are a few more mad hits Mr. Kaempfert had some kind of involvement with...

Al Martino - Spanish Eyes

Nat King Cole - L-O-V-E

Andy Williams - Almost There

Lemon Jelly - In The Bath

And here's one we used to play in wind band...

Bert Kaempfert - A Swinging Safari

Mad hits indeed. But perhaps the maddest of them all was probably my dad's favourite song. Whenever I hear this tune, written by Bert K, I can hear my dad whistling it in his workshop. 

The lyrics were added later by Charles Singleton and Eddie Snyder, and it became a huge hit for old blue eyes... even though he called it "a piece of shit" and "the worst fucking song that I have ever heard." The Chairman thought it was about a love affair between two men, you see. Unthinkable!

Although Bert Kaempfert is still credited as the composer, a number of other interested parties would later claim ownership of this tune, though a Parisian judge decided in 1971 that there was no case for plagiarism because many songs were based on "similar constant factors".

Perhaps the greatest legacy of Strangers In The Night is that it gave Sinatra the opportunity to scat-sing "doo-be-doo-be-doo" as the record fades out... thereby giving a name to the world's best-loved ghost-chasing Great Dane...

Zoinks!

Bertie approves.

Next week... Scotland's answer to Bob Dylan.

Snapshots #301: A Top Ten Songs About Famous Wild West Heroes & Outlaws

Yesterday we had Butch Cassidy, today it's the Sundance Kid. See? Easy when you know how. And he's got a pair of those special binoculars with a camera inside. You ought to get a pair yourself. 

Here are ten songs I had to group together under the rather long-winded title of "Famous Wild West Heroes & Outlaws".

10. Big tents, like the moon.

The Marquees - Wyatt Earp

Featuring a very young Marvin Gaye, on a track co-written by Bo Diddley.

9. Sounds like you're a bit foggy about that invoice.

You must be in a bill haze.

Bill Hayes - The Ballad Of Davy Crockett

8. Tweedy lady and man in desperate circumstances.

Harris Tweed & Dire Straits.

Emmylou Harris & Mark Knopfler - Belle Starr

7. Where Ray Davies creates his Magnum. 

Ray Davies was a Kink. If he's creating something, it could be his Magnum Opus.

Opus Kink - Wild Bill

6. And I might still wear it in the afternoon.

My Morning Jacket - Butch Cassidy

5. Or is it on D-Day?

Doris Day - The Deadwood Stage (Calamity Jane)

4. Often bald.

The Eagles - Doolin' Dalton (The Wild Bunch)

3. A conk tingle.

Anagram!

Nat King Cole - The Ballad of Cat Ballou

2. Cotton-eyed in Cambridgeshire.

Cotton Eye Joe lives in Ely these days.

Joe Ely - Me & Billy The Kid

1. Singer found in comic hero.

Comic hero.

Cher - Just Like Jesse James

Tonight we're gonna go down in flames... but we'll be back next Saturday with more of the same.

My Top Ten Mona Lisa Songs

Just managing to keep the lights on at My Top Ten at the moment. Here are ten songs about the most famous / miserable painting in the world...

10. Wolf Alice - Moaning Lisa Smile

A song about feeling bad and having a good moan to get it out of your system.

A song about blogging, then?

9. Al Stewart - Mona Lisa Talking

Much underrated, Al Stewart...

These Renaissance girls know what they're saying
There are whispers at night in the halls of paintings
You think you're the first one to come untethered
But we've been watching you forever

8. Panic! At The Disco - The Ballad of Mona Lisa

A former student used to tell me (every lesson) that I looked like the lead singer of P!ATD, to the point that he started calling me Brendon. I don't see it myself, but I've been called far worse things.

7. Grant Lee Phillips - Mona Lisa

This is really quite lovely, especially the "burgundy smile you wore yesterday".

6. Strangelove - Mona Lisa

Patrick Duff wants to kiss a girl with a disappearing smile.

5. Television Personalities - Sad Mona Lisa

She likes to go shopping on Saturdays

Especially to Kensington Market

For acid house records her mother hates

And posters of Morten Harket

Extra points for rhyming Kensington Market with Morton Harket, obviously.

4. Brad Paisley - The Mona Lisa

I feel, like the frame
That gets to hold the Mona Lisa
And I don't care
If that's all I'll ever be

Brad Paisley makes this love-song writing malarky look easy.

3. Nat King Cole - Mona Lisa

What a voice. She'd have to smile at Nat! Similar smiles for Willie Nelson, Marvin Gaye... and Deano.

2. Jens Lekman - A Man Walks Into A Bar

Jens practices his chat up lines...

How many lovers does it take
To put a light bulb into a socket?
Why did Mona Lisa smile?
I have the answer written down in my pocket.

But it's not as creepy as that might sound...

I know why Mona Lisa smiled
Da Vinci must have been a really funny guy
And laughter is the only way into my heart

1. Elton John - Mona Lisas & Mad Hatters

For all his latter-day sins, early Elton takes some beating...



I could probably have stretched to another ten. The Manics would have got in here had they not thrown acid all over the painting. Which one leaves an enigmatic smile on your face?

Hot 100 #66

Turns out there are quite a few Route 66 Bands out there, most of them doing covers and tribute acts. But are there any "non-Route 66" 66 songs? Quite a few, as it turns out...

Martin reminds us of 66 by The Afghan Whigs... good tune.

C offers the great PJ Harvey - 66 Promises...

Charity Chic grudgingly kicks in 1966 & All That by Half Man Half Biscuit... one of the better football songs in my collection... although it's about much more than the silly game when you listen to it.

Jim Dubai offers another football-related tune, with a 66-related artist... Mas Que Nada - Sergio Mendez and Brazil 66.

Rigid Digit throws in an extra 6 for Iron Maiden - The Number Of The Beast. Second Iron Maiden tune this month, but this one is PROPER metal, complete with a silly spoken intro. Class.

On the subject of 666, can I add: Route 666 by The Hamsters, another Route 666 by The Comsat Angels, 666 Conducer by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Your Sweet 666 by HIM, and 666 Post from the latest Mark Kozelek album?

Oh, and Incident at 66.6 FM by Public Enemy... and Nineteen666 by The Jesus & Mary Chain, which combines football with satanism... apt, in my opinion.

I also found the following lurking in the dusty corners of my collection...

OMD - 66 And Fading

Primal Scream - Autobahn 66

The Troggs - 66-5-4-3-2-1 (another phone number song!)

The Boys From Nowhere - 1966

This week's winning tune was obvious from the outset though.

Originally recorded in 1946 by Nat King Cole and the King Cole Trio, the song was transformed into a rock n roll standard by Chuck Berry a decade later. Since then it's been recorded by everybody from Them to Depeche Mode to Jason and The Scorchers... most famously, I guess by Mick & Keef who arguably made it their own.

Over to Lynchie, who, until he gives the public what they demand and starts writing a blog of his own, is always welcome to contribute a paragraph or two to mine...

The best version of "Route 66" is to be found on the "Got Live If You Want It!" EP released in Summer 1965. Honest!
Back in 1999, I saw The Stones live for the last time. There were 2 stages - the main stage and a smaller one (which they crossed to via a small bridge - it was the Bridges to Babylon tour!) slap bang in the middle of the crowd . They blew the place away with the the small stage opener - "Route 66". It was righteous - like hearing them do their R&B stuff for the first time!

Onto 65 next week, and with no blatantly obvious contenders (unlike this week), it could be anybody's game. Your suggestions are welcome as always...

My Top Ten Let's Dance Songs

No further explanation should be required...


10. Earth, Wind & Fire - Let's Groove

Let this groove get you to move... it's all right. All right.

9. Smash Mouth - Let's Rock

Or, if disco won't get you down on the floor... how about a bit of ska-influenced moshing?

From the album Fush Yu Mang. 'Nuff said.

8. The Raveonettes - Let's Rave On

My type of rave - Spector-influenced, fuzzy guitared rock 'n' roll with plenty of feedback.

7. We Should Be Dead - Forget Romance, Let's Dance

Good advice for everyone.

6. The Wombats - Let's Dance to Joy Division

Celebrate the irony.

5. Chris Rea - Let's Dance

Wow, Chris Rea looks really young in this hilariously naff 80s video. Great guitar though.

4. Freddie Mercury - Let's Turn It On

Let's turn it on, come on all you people, get together
Turn it on, turn it on, and let's get everybody dancing!

See - it does fit the theme. I'm not just shoe-horning it in 'cos  love Freddie. 

3. Chris Montez - Let's Dance

Whether you want to do the Twist, the Stomp or the Mashed Potato, Chris is your man.

(What the hell is the Mashed Potato? No, don't answer that.)

Or you may prefer to take the Ramones up on their offer instead...

2. Nat King Cole - Let's Face The Music And Dance

There may be troubles ahead...

1. David Bowie - Let's Dance

Serious musos turn their noses up at Bowie's poppiest album, but I was just the right age for it. Plus, the opening section of the video, where Dave is performing, virtually unnoticed, in a grubby outback bar, is great. (The whole red shoes fairy tale that follows is far less interesting.)




Let's dance! Which one makes you want to put on your red shoes and dance the blues?