Mid-Life Crisis Songs #21: Beany Bean

Do you ever get a feeling that you're missing out on something?

And whatever the point was?

I can't remember what it was...

Life is a series of crises. The one you have in your late 40s / early 50s gets all the press, but there are plenty more before and after.

Ooberman released Beany Bean as a single in 2002, the year I turned 30, so obviously it suited my Turning-30-Life-Crisis down to the ground. A couple of years earlier I'd been forced to quit drinking after I discovered I suffered from a little-known liver condition called Gilbert's Syndrome. Some doctors say it's an asymptomatic condition, but I found that after drinking I was getting repeated bouts of severe fatigue that could last up to two weeks or more, and all the medical tests I had came up blank... except for the one that revealed Gilbert's. If you google the condition, you can find plenty of people who say they've suffered fatigue as a result of the condition... as well and many medical experts who say that's hooey. All I know is, a few years after I'd quit drinking, the symptoms disappeared and (touch wood) I've not suffered a bout in over ten years now.

Around the time this single was released though, I was still coming to terms with an alcohol-free existence, and so Sophie Churney's lovely chorus of "Get me a Jack D, a double Jack D" was quite apposite (particularly as Mr. Daniels' Old No. 7 had been my tipple of choice)... as was Danny Popplewell's rough Bradfordian existential mumble. I'd been single for getting on 5 or 6 years, I was stuck in a dead-end job, lonely and just turning 30...

And it just seems like the whole point of life is just to grow old and die and maybe get a family or something but... what a waste of time.

This song brings it all back. God, I loved this band.

I need a holiday on Mars...

The Hot 100 Countdown #90

I gave up trying to explain why I was never a Gerry Anderson fan years ago (even as a young boy, I couldn't suspend my disbelief that they were just puppets) because too often I saw the tears or rage or regret welling up in the eyes of those for whom Anderson was a god. I get that: if someone tries to tell me why they never liked Spider-Man, I'd probably react in the same way.

I'm not sure I can get my head around your love for the Joe 90 theme tune either. Other Anderson shows had far better tunes, surely? Thunderbirds? Stingray? Even Captain Scarlet's "This is the voice of the Mysterons" - that still manages to send a chill down my spine, even though the show itself left me cold.

Anyway, here it is, to keep you all happy...

Barry Gray - Joe 90 Theme Tune

One thing I do like is that back then, TV shows had proper intros. That's 3 and half minutes before the show even starts! No way would that be allowed in today's attention-span-deficit TV culture. I miss that slower pace.

Charity Chic also pointed out that there's a band called Joe 90, and they're not completely objectionable either.

Anyway, Number 90. So many to choose from, I thought I'd put together a Top Ten...


10. British India - 90 Ways To Lose Your Lover

What the cool kids are listening to these days. (Well, the ones who still dig guitars.)

Great title though!

9. Wolf Alice - 90 Mile Beach

Ditto the above.

Is that an echo?

(Echo... beach... please yourself.)

8. Gwen McRae - 90% of Me is You

Sleazy 70s soul. Dunno how this ended up in my collection (though I have my suspicions) but it does the trick.

7.5. Travis - Tied To The 90s

Moxy Früvous - Stuck In The 90s

Carter USM - The 90s Revival

I'll just sneak these in here and see if anyone notices. 90s songs don't really count, I suppose. Thanks to Rigid Digit for also suggesting...

Robbie Williams - The 90s Song

(Not heard that before, but it reminded me why I always liked Robbie.)

7. Hank Snow - Ninety Miles An Hour (Down A Dead End Street)

The Swede and Lynchie both suggested this. I was only familiar with the Dylan cover, but the original is definitely better.

6. John Cooper-Clarke - Ninety Degrees In My Shades

Another suggestion from The Swede. JCC always welcome round here.

5. Craig Finn - Ninety Bucks

Nobody suggested this, but I didn't really expect anyone to. It's lonely at the Craig Finn fanclub meetings.

4. Danny Woods - 90 Days In The County Jail

Irresistible!

4. The National - 90 Mile Water Wall

Great stuff from Sad Songs For Dirty Lovers.

2. George Michael - Freedom 90.

Martin started the bidding with a very strong contender, Taking the title from one of Wham!'s greatest hits and updating it to show what Freedom meant to him now that he was a solo artist, this is an excellent demonstration of the way George matured as a songwriter. Yes, it's a year song, but the 90 meant much more than just "this is when I'm releasing this track".

1. Bow Wow Wow - C30 C60 C90 Go!

Congratulations to C for stealing the points for this one. And no, this won't pop up again at Numbers 60 and 30, because the rule book says no song can appear more than once... and because C90 was by far my cassette of choice. The mix-tape maker's dream!




Which brings us to 89. I think there's pretty much only one choice, but your suggestions are welcome...

Yesterday's Next Big Thing #3: Gay Dad

In retrospect, Gay Dad had everything going for them... but none of it was quite right. Formed by a former Mojo journalist (lead singer Cliff Jones), their original demo was produced by the frontman of Furniture (a much better band) and paid for by Stones producer Andrew Loog Oldham (bit of an arsehole if this is anything to go by). They had all the right connections, which meant the record companies were throwing money at them and the notoriously nepotistic music press was happy to promote them as the second coming (see above). They got Peter Saville to design them a logo and managed to become the first band to ever get a Top of the Pops booking WITHOUT EVEN HAVING A RECORD OUT. They even had the nerve to sack Tony Visconti, the producer of their debut single, To Earth With Love.

Yes, they sacked Tony Visconti. I guess he got over it.

There were just three big problems with Gay Dad.

1: The name. An obvious attempt at hip, controversy-baiting irony, I'm sure they felt they were being really right-on, but it ended up seeming, at best, naively crass, and at worst, deeply, deeply offensive. It sounded like a spoof band name Chris Morris would make up for The Day Today or Brass Eye. Basically, it was shit. There was no getting around that.

2: The tunes. With the exception of the Visconti-produced debut, they really didn't have any.

3: The whole air of privileged vanity project. This was not a struggling young band who'd worked their way up from touring toilets, crammed into a knackered VW camper van while living off pot noodles. It was a bunch of art school tossers who had the world handed to them on a plate and still couldn't make a decent fist of things. That's not to say that good bands can't be made up of art school tossers - I'm sure we can all think of great ones - but they should still have to struggle to convince us to love them. There's a reason The Who hit a chord when they sang, "I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth".

So Gay Dad got what was coming to them. After that first flush of glory, everything fell apart and they ended up blaming both the press hype (which they created) and the controversial name (which they chose). Funnily enough, they never admitted to not having the tunes... but I guess that's the most subjective area of all. Maybe you loved them. I quite liked this one... and then after that, I couldn't really be bothered.

Saturday Snapshots #26 - The Answers (Really, this time.)

Sorry. I couldn't resist it, given the date.

Here are this week's real answers.

I've been watching the detectives, and they've done pretty well this weekend. To whit...


10. Strolling round the Sun puts a scratch on your cornet.

If you scratch your cornet you might put at mark on your cone.

Which Martin got, but then couldn't work out the song.

As Charity Chic pointed out though, the famous Sun Studios is based in Memphis, so...

Marc Cohn - Walking In Memphis

9. Frank had a few, on the beach.

Regrets, I've had a few, sang Frank.

Alyson and Martin played Maddie and David to solve this once.

Girl-power for the #metoo generation...

The Regrettes - Seashore

8. Massachusetts is better than Flashdance!

Boston is in Massachussetts, as all Cheers fans will know.

Irene Cara's big hit from Flashdance was What A Feeling.

Alyson just beat CC and RD to this one...

Boston - More Than A Feeling

Epic guitar solo ahoy!

7. I don't doubt you could tape over this - so calm down!

We all taped over plenty of Dolby cassettes - even Doubting Thomas.

Thomas Dolby - Hyperactive

Another point for Martin.

6. The brown-eyed kings of Connacht take more than a week.

The kings of Connacht were the O'Connor clan. Brown eyes are Hazel.

Hazel O'Connor - Eighth Day

Rigid Digit beat Alyson to this one by seconds!

5. 46, I think. If I'm still here in another 136 years, I'll scarcely be able to open my eyes.

I am 46.

46 + 136 = 182.

If I can barely open my eyes, I might not even be able to blink.

Alyson got the band with a few clues...  Chris pitched in with the song.

Blink 182 - What's My Age Again?

The video involves the band running naked through LA. Don't say I didn't warn you. It's not a pretty sight.

4. Where you'll find the virgin oil... and one's main elbow.

You'd get virgin oil from a Mary well, surely?

The lead singer of Elbow is Guy Garvey.

Mary Wells - My Guy

Alyson, Lynchie, George and C teamed up for this one. Jeez, it wasn't that difficult, was it?

3. Reserve Michael, Clive and Wilfred to go all around the world.

CC quickly worked out that if you reserved Michael, Clive and Wilfred, you would be going to book Owens. (Or maybe he just recognised the photo.) I thought the rest of the clue was easy... but maybe the song was too obscure?

I should have settled for The Streets of Bakersfield... or Big In Vegas... or The Kansas City Song... or even Truck Drivin' Man?

Buck Owens - Love Makes The World Go Round

2. A priest plays for Clint at the Mesopotamian party.

Clint Eastwood was a DJ stalked by a crazy fan who wanted him to "Play Misty For Me". Lynchie cracked that, the song proved tougher... but Chris helped out again.

Father John Misty - Funtimes In Babylon

1.The King monk's partner (and his dad) need help with a bicycle puncture.

Yes, that's a young Declan McManus and his dad, Ross... The Secret Lemonade Drinker.

The King = Elvis + the king monk = Abbott. Abbott & Costello. Etc. Etc.

Martin got this one, which I think (just) makes him this week's winner. Or maybe he was tied with Alyson. It's late and my maths head isn't working. Too many half marks this week.




Thanks for playing, as always.

Next week I promise to make them much easier. No April Fool's!

Saturday Snapshots #26 - The Answers

For the first time in the history of Saturday Snapshot - nobody got ANY of them right.

Clearly I'm making this quiz too difficult.

I think I should pack it in. It's obviously run its course.

Here are the last ever answers, anyway...


10. Strolling round the Sun puts a scratch on your cornet.

Bernie Walker - Brass Tacks

9. Frank had a few, on the beach.

The G&Ts - Sandcastles

8. Massachusetts is better than Flashdance!

Salem's Seven - Irene

7. I don't doubt you could tape over this - so calm down!

Hysterical Eric - Play & Record

6. The brown-eyed kings of Connacht take more than a week.

The Fortnights - Van Morrison Is Our God

5. 46, I think. If I'm still here in another 136 years, I'll scarcely be able to open my eyes.

Mathletics - Conjunctivitus

4. Where you'll find the virgin oil... and one's main elbow.

Virginia Ewing - The Crook Of Your Arm

3. Reserve Michael, Clive and Wilfred to go all around the world.

Bobby Global - Dad's Army Reserves

2. A priest plays for Clint at the Mesopotamian party.

Eastwood Vicar - Entertaining Iraq

1.The King monk's partner (and his dad) need help with a bicycle puncture.

The answer to this one is in verse three... you just have to know the lyrics.



Thanks for playing.