My Top Ten One Way Songs

There is only one way you'll get into this Top Ten (and it ain't "My Way"... or the highway).


10. The Darkness - One Way Ticket To Hell & Back

To anyone who considers The Darkness a one-joke band whose joke isn't funny anymore... take the ticket above, with my love.

See also One Way Ticket by Carrie Underwood, who, Louise took great pleasure in informing me the other day, started her career as a winner on American Idol. The fact that proper songwriters and genres other than pop were allowed on that show sets it streets ahead of The X-Factor in my books. Not that I'd have watched it... but it's good to see an artist as strong as Ms. Underwood come out of it. The best we've managed in this country is Ollie Murs...

9. The Allman Brothers - One Way Out

It's amazing that the Allman Brothers are still going, considering all the tragedy in their past. Some top guitar playing on show here. 

8. Skint & Demoralised - One Way Traffic

And like a street lined with litter on a Sunday morning  
You left me bitter; left me with no warning 
You had to go...and left me thinking, did you have to go?  
And then you sent me a text, and I was desperate to reply 
But to tell you that I'm happy, would have been a desperate lie 
And every time I talk to you, I struggle not to cry 
I still adore you, and I'm sure I should ignore you... 
And these lists of problems, seem to come without thinking 
Almost like they've been rehearsed, and I can feel my heart sinking...

Good to see Matt Abbott has a new S&D album out right now. Check it out here.

7. Dexys Midnight Runners - One Way Love

From the days when Kevin Rowland sang like an unintelligible drunk at a karaoke machine. And yet, he was (and still is) amazing.

Giving Kevin a run for his money in the pub singer states is lead Tinderstick Stuart Staples. See their One Way Street for a top example.

6. The Clint Boon Experience - Only One Way I Can Go

Class tune from Mr. Boon, available to download free from his website (if you can handle .ram files).

5. Bruce Springsteen - One Way Street

Back in the late 70s, Bruce recorded enough unreleased music to fill a couple of box sets, but legal issues and a crazed sense of quality control kept most of it unheard. This finally saw the light of day on the The Promise back in 2010... it was worth the wait.

4. Karine Polwart - Only One Way

My favourite KP song... and yes, Department of the Peculiar fans, this is where I stole one of my character's names.

And when a genocidal maniac talks about grief
And you kinda get the feeling that there’s nothing underneath
But you can’t believe a man would lie through such nice teeth
There's only one way 

3. Blur - There's No Other Way

See, if there's no other way... there must only be one way.

It's easy to forget that long before Britpop, Blur were baggy. If you want a good laugh, check out Damon's haircut in this video... 

2. Blondie - One Way Or Another

She's gonna get you, get you, get you, get you...

While not in the same class as Debbie, I always had a soft spot for Sophie Ellis Bextor's version too...

1. The Levellers - One Way 

Reminds me of being a young man... as so many of these songs end up doing. I hope to be able to share these songs with my own son... though I have a terrible feeling he'll rebel against his old dad and end up liking dance music, blingy r 'n' b or U2...

There's only one way of life - and that's your own!

Which is your one way? (And anyone who suggests One Direction...hang your head in shame.)

My Top Ten Carry On Songs

I was never a fan of the Carry On films, "Great" British comedy institution though they may be. But there are some blinding Carry On songs...



10. Babyshambles - Carry on Up the Morning

One of the better post-Libertines Pete Doherty songs. There aren't that many.

9. Tim McGraw - Carry On

All those people who think modern country music comes with a big wedge of cheese are mostly wrong. In Tim McGraw's case, however... 

8. Half Man Half Biscuit - Carry on Cremating

The song closest to the true spirit of the Carry On movies... at least in Nigel Blackwell's indefatigable Britishness... and his "tribute" to one of the big Carry On stars of olde...

Oh, they’re still cremating Hattie Jacques, I am not surprised
Come on now, let’s face it, she was fat
It usually takes for ever trying to burn the grossly oversized
Who would ever want to look like that?
She had a face that could launch a thousand dredgers
I could never get her on my portable TV

7. Van Morrison - Carry on Regardless

 There's a tiny part of me thinks all post-70s Van Morrison records sound like someone doing a very good impersonation. Of course, I'd never tell Van The Man that... with his reputation!?

(Plus, I think he nicked some guitars from Lady Madonna here. Shh. Let's pretend we didn't notice.)

6. Portishead - We Carry On

 Creepy and disturbing in the way all the best Portishead records are.

5. Spacehog - Carry On

Leeds band Spacehog had more success in the States than back home. Iffypedia tells me they met in a cafe where one of the band members was working as an exterminator.

4. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - Carry On

 Timeless. (This is where Fleet Foxes got their mojo.)

3. Kansas - Carry On, Wayward Son

Pompous prog lyrics saved by a glorious chorus and majestic guitars. Glorious, in its way.

2. Fun. - Carry On

Is it me, or does Nate Ruess look like a young (Marky) Mark Wahlberg? He writes far better songs though. And has more conviction.

Why do I like Fun. so much? They do exactly what it says on the tin. 

1. Beautiful South - Good As Gold (Stupid As Mud)

Yes, my Number One Carry On song doesn't feature the words Carry On in its title. Bite me. They're all over the chorus. One of the Beautiful South's most life-affirming songs, with a video to match in which Heato and the gang go for a bike ride in the countryside... with added elephant.

I want my sun-drenched, wind-swept Ingrid Bergman kiss
Not in the next life
I want it in this

Carry on commenting...

My Top Ten Writing A Novel Songs

As you'll notice if you turn your eyes a few centimetres to the right of this post, my novel I Wish, Wish, Wish You Were Dead, Dead, Dead is finally available for download to your kindle, tablet or e-book reading device of your choice. (With thanks to Davey for the smashing cover.)

Any excuse for a Top Ten...


10. Fryars - Novelist's Wife

There are a lot of unhappy novelists out there...

9. Paul Simon - Rewrite

We write. Then we rewrite. Then we rewrite some more. There comes a point you have to stop working on the rewrite and just let your book go...

8. Lloyd Cole - Writer's Retreat

Lloyd's lady spends more time on her book than with him. He's not sticking around...

You can get a beat from a broken heart
You could write the book while falling apart
You can have it all save the one you want
Going for a song

7. Teddy Thompson - Jonathan's Book

Jonathan gives up his life for his writing... but he's hardly Shakespeare.

He says, I don't have any inspiration
And my subject matter lacks invention
If I only had an opening line
Then I'm sure the rest would turn out fine

6. Harry Connick Jr. - I Could Write a Book

Perhaps more memorably recorded by Frank, Ella and Miles... but I have a soft spot for Harry's version from When (another) Harry Met Sally.

5. Rockpile - When I Write The Book

 Nick Lowe and Dave Edmunds write a thousand words a day...

4. The Beatles - Paperback Writer

Every time I send off a submission letter, I think of this lyric...

Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book?
It took me years to write, will you take a look?

Every time I receive a rejection letter, I think if this one...

If you really like it you can have the rights,
It could make a million for you overnight.
If you must return it, you can send it here
But I need a break and I want to be a paperback writer.

That's why it's good to finally see my book published without any more rejections. At least someone might read it now!

3.  The Beautiful South - My Book

Already included in my Top Ten Diary Songs, but too good not to squeeze in here too. One of Paul Heaton's best.

This is my life and this is how it reads
For every chapter, a thousand memories
A murder, a mystery where everybody bleeds
A fantasy, a thriller with romance and disease

2. Father John Misty - I'm Writing A Novel

Breaking out of the Fleet Foxes proved an excellent move for Father John. His debut album was a cracker, and this was my favourite track on it.

I'm writing a novel...
Because it's never been done before (!)  

1. Elvis Costello - Every Day I Write The Book

Don't tell me you don't know what love is
When you're old enough to know better
When you find strange hands in your sweater
When your dreamboat turns out to be a footnote
I'm a man with a mission, in two or three editions

There's no better written song on this list. Costello should have been a novelist (too).




Which one has pride of place on your bookshelf?

My Top Ten Pride Songs (Seven Deadly Sins #7)

I'm proud to say this concludes our jaunt through the deadliest of sins...


10. Bonnie Raitt - Love Has No Pride

If you were looking for that U2 song... here's one reason why you won't find it here. (The other reason: it's by U2.)

Also memorably covered by this bloke...

9. Billy Bragg - Swallow My Pride

From Billy's excellent new album Tooth & Nail... yep, he's still got it.

Oh how can a man be strong?
He can't even lift up telephone and say he's wrong 

If I want you back again
Then I know what I must do
Got to swallow my pride and get back home to you.

8. The Donnas - Have You No Pride?

 The Donnas offer advice to a hopeless romantic.

Shoegazers in blazers
Introduce you to razors, so that
The Wilson twins, they can see you
In all your glory, in all your glory

7. King - Love & Pride

Weren't the 80s brilliant?

If you're in any doubt, check out the video in which Paul King wanders round an old quarry with a can of spray paint wearing a green suit, red boots and a raven on his head before teaching a bunch of kids how to breakdance. It cost 50p to film and they still had change for a bag of chips.

6. James Brown -  Say It Loud (I'm Black and I'm Proud)

 Could the Godfather of Soul ever say anything quietly?

5. Beautiful South - Mother's Pride

He's presentable, well looked after
He's domestically disastrous
He's adorable - Mother's Pride

Maternal versus paternal influence... and it does seem Paul Heaton thinks you're better off taking after your mum.

He'll always roam the yard looking for a fight
He'll pick on all the kids who're twice his height
He's the reason dinner ladies toss and turn at night
Teacher's Blight - Father's Pride 

See also Mother's Pride by George Michael, which has aged far, far better than you'd imagine it would. 

4. Dexys Midnight Runners - My National Pride

Kevin Rowland reclaims the notion of national pride from the fascists and the politicians in a deeply touching ode from the woefully under-appreciated Don't Stand Me Down album.

I've denied my beautiful heritage
Gone away from my roots and come back home again
I gave away my individuality
And listened to the "now" generation
When really I'm not one of those
But love has brought me closer to the truth and right now
I couldn't be any closer
To love your father is a fulfilling thing
My national pride is a personal pride

3. Robert Palmer - Pride

Batley Bob goes reggae with an amusing tale about a guy who loses his woman to the gym.

You want her attention
Well, you’ll have to wait
She’s in the gymnasium
Reducing weight
In shorts of a leotard
Despite her age
The girl’s gonna exercise
Your life away

2. Creedence Clearwater Revival - Proud Mary

A song about quitting your job in the city and going off to work on a riverboat... also famously recorded by Ike & Tina Turner and Solomon Burke.

1. The Temptations - Ain't Too Proud To Beg

Genius. 





Which would you be proud to call your Number One?

My Top Ten Weather Forecast Songs

There are, of course, millions of songs that predict the weather... from A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall to Here Comes The Sun. None of those are allowed in this Top Ten.

To be included here, you have to actually mention weather forecasting... or forecasters.

Special mentions to The Forecast... and Weather Report. (Hmm.. Jazz. Niiice.)


10. Jason Mraz - The Forecast

Jason swears he's no weatherman... but he doesn't half go on about it.

This song bears mention purely down to one of the most bizarre metaphors ever written...

But your mouth is my umbrella now
And I'm holding your tongue

W. T. F.? (Weather: The Forecast.)

9. Sheryl Crow - Weather Channel

When Sheryl gets depressed, she watched the Weather Channel. It doesn't appear to cheer her up.

8. Tom Waits - Emotional Weather Report

Not a song so much as the jamming intro to Tom's classic live album Nighthawks At The Diner. But there's plenty of forecasting to go around...

And a line of thunderstorms was developing in the early morning
Ahead of a slow moving cold front
Cold blooded
With tornado watches issued shortly before noon Sunday, 

For the areas including...
The western region of my mental health
And the northern portions of my ability to deal rationally 
With my disconcerted precarious emotional situation

7. Hank Williams Jr. - The Weatherman

Hank Jr. needs a good forecast tonight...

6. Spearmint - The Weather Forecaster

It always upsets me when I can't find links to Spearmint records on the internet. This is a gorgeous little story by Shirley Lee about a young man who learns to predict the weather as a way of controlling everything that might happen in his life...

If you know what the weather will be like
There's no danger
You're in control

But then, inevitably, he meets a young lady... and the forecast becomes unpredictable.

Oh, just go buy the album. 

5. The Weather Girls - It's Raining Men 

Get ready, all you lonely girls - and leave those umbrellas at home!

A song so great, even Geri Halliwell couldn't kill it. (Though she gave it a damned good try.)

4. A Tribe of Toffs - John Kettley Is A Weatherman

Ah, 1988 in the UK charts... a terrible time for music. During the dark days of Stock, Aitken and Waterman, Bros, Bomb The Bass, Brother Beyond and the Wee Papa Girl Rappers... I was 16. Everything was wrong with the world. And then there came the Tribe of Toffs, a silly group of lads with a jangly guitar pop novelty record full of terrible rhymes about minor British TV personalities of the day (and Johnny Marr). It may have only reached number 21 in the charts... but it was better than Another Day In Paradise.

Debbie Thrower's got a lawnmower,
Johnny Marr he plays guitar,
David Steel lives in Keele,
John Kettley... John Kettley... John Kettley:
He's a weatherman.

3. Fountains of Wayne - Traffic & Weather

A love story unfolds among the Channel 6 news team...

Ooh, we belong together - like traffic and weather...

Any song that contains that timeless chat up line "I like those shorts - I'd like them even more on my bedroom floor" get my vote.

2. Blur - This Is A Low

Damon lies in bed listening to the shipping forecast: the end result is one of their most moving records. Don't spend too much time studying the lyrics though, or the magic is lost. 

1. ELO - Mr. Blue Sky 

Wait a minute, Rol, I hear you cry... isn't this one of those songs you outlawed at the top of the page: like A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall or Here Comes The Sun? Ah, I reply... ahhhh... yes, but listen again to that timeless intro:

Morning - today's forecast calls for blue skies...

However, if you're looking for Dylan or the Fab Four... close your eyes and listen to Mr. Blue Sky one more time. Not only is it one of the greatest pop records ever recorded... doesn't it just sound like "What if Bob was lead singer of the Beatles?"



...but which is your Michael Fish?