You want to come here on a Saturday morning and identify all ten of the photographs below easily? You know what you want... you want the moon on a stick!
(This introduction will only make sense if you recognise the two gentlemen above, or if you followed their TV double act obsessively in the 90s like I did.)
Who are these people and what might link their songs?
(Extra marks if you work out this week's link as I think it's quite tricky. Although I did provide a couple of extra clues...)
10. In the end, he's pretty selfish.
9. She'll do little to strip the raincoat from Cold War paranoia.
8. The best possible, according to Kenny.
7. Named after their "black" German guitarist.
6. From Iceland, where they mix an oilier Martini.
5. Sure to be run over.
4. Get Marilyn to pay for it.
3. Sounds like she's saying no to a tree, a bomb or a Red record label.
George is back, to save me having to think of anything to write today. Careful though, he's feeling a little touchy...
A couple of weeks ago, the nice chappie at 27leggies introduced us to the music of Howdy Glenn via a cover of a Willie Nelson song “Touch Me”. If my memory serves me well, in the comments he then boasted of being a personal friend of Samantha Fox, much to Rol’s delight (who had reminded us of Ms Fox’s song of the same name). Which got me thinking of songs about touching (titter ye not, please), and also wondering why a blog called My Top Ten has had absolutely no Top Ten lists of songs about anything for many many months, if not years. Too much mucking about with photo thingies and artistes with the same name.
(To be fair, the photo thingies are usually Top Tens, George, but I take your point.)
So, instead of me carping on about how awful are many of the tunes by the plethora of Coast-to-Coasts or Sleepers. I thought I had to carpe the diem and create my own Top Ten “touching” songs. And it should go without saying that AC/DC are not and never would be anywhere this Top Ten (or indeed the Top Ten of anything).
First up, the almost deep, almost mellifluous (on this track) voice of Jim Morrison:
Mr Morrison was not the only singer wanting to be fondled. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Porter Wagoner with a touching tale. As a bonus, you have the lyrics here, and what a joy they are.
George Jones could have made a great cover of that song. (I’ve just discovered that he has, but Porter’s version is better.)
Lots of country artistes are into their touching. And doing their own versions of Willie Nelson songs. This is Buck Owens’ version of the song that inspired(??) this article:
And almost inevitably, here’s The Fall, where Mark E Smith expresses, amongst other things, his inner Portuguese self by singing about public urination:
1. The Soul Stirrers - Touch The Hem Of His Garment
So, no New Order, no Blondie. Or Diana Ross (a snippet of which I often warble to my partner). But, it would be churlish not to include this: Ms Fox performing for a very appreciative group of middle aged Norwegians in 2010...
(My partner was in the same room as I typed all this up. Only ONE song did she sing along to.)
Thank you, as always, George. Your guest posts offer a brief reprieve from the torrent of nonsense that usually fills this space. You're always welcome here... as is anyone else who has nothing better to do with their time.
When I was in Primary School we still got a bottle of milk to drink every morning. In winter it was ice cold but in summer it was very warm and not so nice at all. I remember our teacher standing over one girl every milk time forcing her to finish her bottle of and we all had to wait as it took her a long time, going down only an 1/8th of an inch (pre-decimal times) every minute. Wouldn't happen nowadays of course - not been milk since the days of Thatcher the Snatcher and of course so many children now have intolerances to dairy.
This opened up a whole can of memory worms for me… but a couple of things first...
Kids do still get school milk – it’s just not free anymore (and not in bottles). Parents have to pay for it – unless they can’t afford, in which case it’s supplemented. Sam’s 10 now and still gets milk at school. He also drinks any leftover cartons he can get his hands on.
(Sam and his mates have likewise formed a Leftovers Club at dinner time. They make sure they’re the last in the dinner queue, then they’re more likely to be offered seconds after everyone’s finished their lunch.)
Speaking of an intolerance to dairy though, Alyson… this is exactly what I had when I was a kid. I still do, though it’s a rather odd variety of intolerance. I just can’t drink milk, especially if it’s cold. If I try, it makes me throw up. I’m fine with anything else dairy-related – cheese, yoghurt… no problem. I’m also OK with boiled milk, in certain circumstances. That’s how my mum used to serve me cereal – Weetabix, Frosties, Coco Pops etc… always with hot milk. If I tried to eat them with cold milk… bleurggghh! I’ve never been able to drink milk shakes either. Not without gipping. Sorry, Kelis. You milkshake wouldn't bring me to the yard.
I’m not sure I was aware of all this when I started Primary School, and I doubt my mum thought to mention it. On the first day of school then, out came the school milk bottles… “Drink up, children!”
My first teacher, Mrs. Kay (picture Julie Andrews, but slightly more posh) was a shrewd lady who quickly realised I couldn’t keep milk down, so she stopped offering it to me. (Saved her having to clean up her classroom every day.) When the school milk came out, I was excused.
Mrs. Tebb did not like me. That’s pretty much all I remember about her. Every other teacher at my junior school, I got on with OK. Not Mrs. Tebb though. She hated me. And maybe that’s because of what happened on the day I arrived in her class… but if so, she only brought it on herself.
“Time for your milk, children!”
“But, Mrs. Tebb, I don’t drink milk. It makes me sick.”
“Nonsense. Milk is good for you. It’s good for your teeth and your bones and your everyday health! Milk is nature’s perfect food!”
Back in 2007, Sheffield band Tiny Dancers put out their only album on the back of opening for Bob Dylan's UK tour the year before. The LP was called Free School Milk. This was their debut single, released on my 35th birthday.
I clearly remember the first time I walked into a classroom as a trainee teacher. It was an adult Functional Skills English workshop, and all the students were quietly getting on with a variety of tasks in groups. It wasn't at all what I'd expected, and when the teacher I'd come to shadow said to me, "just go round the groups and see if anyone needs any help", I was suddenly terrified.
Just... walk up to complete strangers who didn't know me from Adam - many of whom were older than me, and of a variety of different ethnicities - introduce myself and offer them help? I'd prepared myself for standing at the front of a class and delivering a lesson to a group of teenagers. I had lots of experience in performance and presentation and making myself heard or noticed... but a quiet, casual chat with a gentle offer of assistance to grown-ups... that was well outside my comfort zone.
Those of you who have been following this series from the start will know that we've identified the main culprit of our stress, anxiety and other mental health concerns... the amygdala or monkey brain. To recap...
Whenever the amygdala senses any kind of threat – from a bus about to run us over in the street to somebody gossiping about us behind our back in the office – it sets off our spider-sense, various hormonal and neurological warning signals that in turn cause us to feel the symptoms of stress. These will vary depending on the individual and the situation, but they include all the old favourites – physical stuff such as increased heart rate, changes to breathing, hot or cold sweat, and mental reactions such as fear, anger and shame. Stress hormones basically prepare us to fight the threat or flee from the danger: fight or flight. But they often override our normal, logical human brain, and let our monkey brain take over.
The problem comes in the modern world, where the monkey brain finds it increasingly difficult to work out what's an actual threat to life... and what's merely a difficult problem to be overcome. So it looks to us for understanding... and we don't help ourselves by playing it safe.
In theory, any new experience contains danger. Meeting new people, starting a new job, going out on a first date, trying a new hobby or club... life would be so much easier if we just stuck with the stuff we know and are comfortable with. Anything new - well, we don't know how to deal with it or what problems we might encounter along the way. And that's scary.
Writing this particular blog series is a bit like that. Every time I sit down to do it, I'm forcing myself out of my comfort zone. I'm not really an expert on this subject, I'm just fumbling my way through. It would be so much easier when I open up my computer to just cobble together another edition of Saturday Snapshots or Namesakes. I know how to do those now. They might take time and research and a bit of head-scratching, but they're familiar and comforting and safe.
Or, I might put off writing the blog altogether and go watch some TV. Read a book (if only!). Watch some more music videos on youtube from bands I've never heard of.
New experience? !!Amygdala sends out warning signals!!
Result: I feel anxious.
Strategy? Play it safe.
Safety strategies are the things we all do to minimise risk or avoid tackling anything new. They include distracting ourselves with other (safe) activities or avoiding any situations that make us feel remotely uncomfortable.
However... whenever we do this, we tell the monkey that it was right - its perception of threat was bang on the money. As a result, it'll double its efforts to warn us about getting into that situation again.
If I stop writing this blog series because it's difficult and it makes me a little anxious, then next time I try, it'll be even harder.
If I avoid going out to a gig because there will be a lot of strange people there, and it'll be a late night, and I might not get home till after midnight... if I decide to stay at home instead and watch TV... then chances are, next time the opportunity arises, I probably won't even bother to buy tickets.
These are pretty mild examples, but I'm sure you can extrapolate them to cover more serious anxiety-causing situations in your own life. Playing it safe, avoiding problems or distracting ourselves from things that are worrying just confirms to our monkey brain that these things are threats to be avoided. It'll scream even louder next time.
Taken to an absolute extreme, this is where OCD comes from: you can't leave the house until you've completed these safety rituals. It's where alcohol and drug dependency starts: you feel less anxious when you have a drink. The monkey brain experts believe that even positive behaviour like exercise, meditation and structured relaxation techniques can be used as an escape strategy to help us avoid facing up to the things we fear... because when we do these things, we only confirm that the monkey was right to be afraid.
Back in the 90s, a former colleague of mine used to swear by a self-help book with that exact title... and I used to mock it as namby-pamby mumbo-jumbo. Yet from a brain science point of view, it seems like this is the best advice you can get. If we refuse to let our anxiety get the better of us - if we embrace the situation the monkey is screaming at us to avoid - and we do this repeatedly... then, we break down the cycle of anxiety and we teach the monkey that it's something we don't have to be afraid of.
Those early teaching experiences were really quite terrifying. I'd already pushed myself way out of my comfort zone by going back to university in my late 30s and retraining at something so different from anything I'd ever done before. I'd prepared myself for all kinds of problems and scenarios and figured out ways I might deal with them... but a workshop of adult learners, something that should have been far less scary than standing in front of a class of 17 year olds... that was almost my downfall. I came out of that first shadowing session and seriously asked myself if I'd made the right decision. Maybe teaching wasn't the right choice for me. Except it was too late to drop out now... and what else could I do?
The following week, I went back to the same class and was put in the same situation again. And it wasn't immediately easier. It took me a good few weeks before I worked out how to handle myself there, but eventually I did... and my anxiety subsided. Because I'd taught my monkey brain that it was OK. It wasn't something to be afraid of.
In her book, Don't Feed The Monkey Mind, Dr. Jennifer Shannon explains...
The monkey mind is like a small child or a pet watching you for guidance. I emphasize the word "watch". You cannot tell this part of your brain anything. The monkey can't be reasoned with, comforted, or distracted from its mission. The only way we can get what we want in live is to override its warnings with our behaviour.
Stop playing it safe, in other words. Playing it safe only reinforces our fears.
Prepare yourself for a big old hike this week... with very little reward, I'm afraid. Will you walk Coast to Coast with me?
COAST TO COAST #1
The most successful band ever to choose the name Coast To Coast formed in Wellingborough, Northamptonshire in 1977, though it took them a further four years to crack the Top Ten with a song originally recorded as a jazz instrumental in 1949. Once lyrics were added, the tune in question became a standard, covered by the likes of Chubby Checker, Bo Diddley, Otis Redding, Quincy Jones and Canned Heat. If you were 9 in 1981 though, there's only one version in your head.
Coast To Coast had a small follow-up hit with their version Brenda Lee's Let's Jump The Broomstick before getting lost on the path and never being seen again. The fact that their lead singer shared a tailor and hairdresser with a Mr. P. Gadd does little for their memory...
COAST TO COAST #2
Some smooth early 80s soul from New York next, gaining extra point for rhyming "Paula Marie" with "a state of misery". Featuring singer Mark Beiner and musician Ben Iverson, former manager of the Crown Heights Affair.
COAST TO COAST #3
French synth-rock from 1989. Re-issued in 2012, apparently. And why not?
COAST 2 COAST #4
Back in 1994, this was the sound of Italian Euro-Disco.
This is the "Roberto Bozzo Mix" on Why? Records.
Why, indeed.
COAST 2 COAST #5
Northern Irish trance from 2003. Not my thing, clearly, but it would work well as the incidental music on a gameshow to build a little tension between rounds.
(Note to George - there are 8 minutes of this, and it does get surprisingly good around the 7.30 mark.)
(Note to the rest of you: I could well be lying.)
COAST TO COAST #6
Back in New York - Brooklyn, to be specific - in 2013. Having sampled their whole album on the Camp of Bands, I'd guess this lot had something of an identity crisis about how they wanted to sound. Not the worst thing I've heard today though...
COAST TO COAST #7
Japanese pop punk from 2015. With the exception of the drummer, they don't look particularly Japanese, but far be it from me to stereotype.
COAST TO COAST #8
What I like about the modern world is that new bands can happily come along in the past ten years with no knowledge or memory of 9 year olds doing the Hucklebuck back in 1981. They can then choose to name their trendy new indie-punk band Coast To Coast without once considering the connotations that name might have to a 51 year old blogger. These guys are from Birmingham, apparently, and more power to them.
Did you make it to the end of the walk? Or did you collapse from exhaustion along the way?
