The Best Medicine #3: Conchords

I’m letting someone else do the hard work again in this feature. Here’s JC, The Vinyl Villain…

Once again, you've posted something that gets me thinking!

Maybe there is something real about 'grumpy old gits' in that the older we get, there seems to be fewer things we find to laugh about. Or is it just that what constitutes a sense of humour changes and evolves through life? I certainly 'don't get' a lot of what makes the younger generation(s) LOL these days, but then again, my parents 'didn't get' the political humour of the 80s that had me roaring with laughter.

I think one of the things about humour in songs is that all too often the music itself is not all that enjoyable... (the song you've posted [in my first post] being an example!!). It takes a real talent to be equally funny and musical.

JC hits the nail on the head here… because musical taste is such a subjective thing, once you try to add humour into the mix, it’s like trying to throw a dart and hit two separate bullseyes at the same time.  First you have to please the musical taste part of our brains, secondly you have to tickle our even more subjective funny bones. All in the same song. The intersection of that particular Venn diagram will often be very small, and it’ll be a different intersection for every listener. No wonder so few artists consciously go down the “funny songs” route… the whole thing’s a minefield.

I know that the way I appreciate music is very different to a lot of people. That’s down to my writer / English teacher brain. Well written lyrics will always win me over to a tune, regardless of genre. It’s no secret that I’m not the biggest fan of post-1987 dance music, for example. And maybe the biggest reason for that is that words aren’t really seen as important on the dancefloor. Yet when the words are given some consideration, dance music becomes a lot more interesting to my brain…

Death In Vegas featuring Iggy Pop – Aisha

LCD Soundsystem - Losing My Edge

Underworld - Born Slippy (Nuxx)

All of which brings me back to JC’s nominated band, Flight of the Conchords, with their amazing ability – as JC puts it – “to be equally funny and musical”. What’s incredible about the work of Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement is that they’re not just very funny guys… they’re also extremely talented musicians and songwriters, capable of mastering any genre they turn their hand to… and making it look easy.

They do funky r ‘n’ b…

Flight of the Conchords - The Most Beautiful Girl (In The Room)

…80s electronica…

Flight of the Conchords – Fashion Is Danger

…hip hop…

Flight of the Conchords - Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros

…straight up rap…

Flight of the Conchords – Hurt Feelings

…and fuzzy 70s rock…

Flight of the Conchords – Demon Woman

They can be the Pet Shop Boys…

Flight of the Conchords – Inner City Pressure

…Air Supply…

Flight of the Conchords – I’m Not Crying

…The Police…

Flight of the Conchords – You Don’t Have To Be A Prostitute

…or even Peter Sarstedt.

Flight of the Conchords - Rambling Through The Avenues Of Time

I have a question though - for those of you who approach music via sounds first, rather than words – for those of you whose specific musical tastes are tied to genres and won’t be interested if it’s a musical style you just don’t dig… do you prefer the FoC songs which focus on one of your favoured genres? The fact that JC chose the Bowie song as his example made me wonder this. Everyone in our little group loves Bowie – and if there’s anyone reading this blog who’s not a Bowie fan, don’t be afraid to speak up - so that’s the perfect synergy of sound and satire, music and merriment. Do the songs above which venture into ungainly genres still work for you? Or does the humour win you over… in the same way that the lyrics in my “dance music” choices make those tracks work for me?

Here's my favourite Flight of the Conchords tune… and I’m not even sure what genre it is.

Listening Post #24: Iggy Pop's Jacket

Those Naughty Lumps were to be found hanging around Liverpool street corners as the 1970s became the 1980s. They liked visiting the local zoo and eating ice cream.

Those Naughty Lumps - Down At The Zoo / Ice Cream

If only they could have owned Iggy Pop's jacket... then, they might have made the big time.

Snapshots #336: A 1960s Year By Year Top Ten

I missed out on the 1960s by just two years. Sometimes I wish I'd been there for the fun.

All I have to console me are songs about the 60s... here are ten, in chronological order...

10. Florentine explorer.

That would be Amerigo Vespucci, the man who gave his name to a continent...

America - 1960

9. Bentos.

George's favourite pie - Fray Bentos!

The Fray - 1961

8. Super, Green, Whispering... must go on.

Supergrass, Green Grass, Whispering Grass... The Show Must Go On.

Grass Show - 1962

7. Hitler's plan for Europe.

Neuordnung.

New Order - 1963

6. Found confused in the naked aisle.

"Naked aisle" was an anagram.

Neil Sedaka - The Queen Of 1964

5. Big Hearted Fish.

Heart sang a song about a big fish...

The Barracudas - (I Wish It Could Be) 1965 Again

4. Jamie Dodger

Jamie Dodger follows in the fine tradition of Gary Baldy and Peter Cookie...

Half Man Half Biscuit - 1966 And All That

3. French writers.

The French for author is auteur...

The Auteurs - 1967

2. In a tizzy, Joe canoodles Vader. 

"Joe canoodles Vader" was another anagram...

Alejandro Escovedo - 1968

Maybe I should have gone with the original, by Chris Gaffney... but I figured you'd have more chance of identifying Alejandro. (I know I would!)

1. Howard, Howard and Fine.

Larry Fine, Curly Howard and Moe Howard were the Three Stooges.

The Stooges - 1969

Back to the present day with more Snapshots next Saturday.

Self-Help For Cynics #19: Playing It Safe

Iggy Pop - Play It Safe

I clearly remember the first time I walked into a classroom as a trainee teacher. It was an adult Functional Skills English workshop, and all the students were quietly getting on with a variety of tasks in groups. It wasn't at all what I'd expected, and when the teacher I'd come to shadow said to me, "just go round the groups and see if anyone needs any help", I was suddenly terrified. 

Just... walk up to complete strangers who didn't know me from Adam - many of whom were older than me, and of a variety of different ethnicities - introduce myself and offer them help? I'd prepared myself for standing at the front of a class and delivering a lesson to a group of teenagers. I had lots of experience in performance and presentation and making myself heard or noticed... but a quiet, casual chat with a gentle offer of assistance to grown-ups... that was well outside my comfort zone. 

Beth Orton - Safety

Those of you who have been following this series from the start will know that we've identified the main culprit of our stress, anxiety and other mental health concerns... the amygdala or monkey brain. To recap...

Whenever the amygdala senses any kind of threat – from a bus about to run us over in the street to somebody gossiping about us behind our back in the office – it sets off our spider-sense, various hormonal and neurological warning signals that in turn cause us to feel the symptoms of stress. These will vary depending on the individual and the situation, but they include all the old favourites – physical stuff such as increased heart rate, changes to breathing, hot or cold sweat, and mental reactions such as fear, anger and shame. Stress hormones basically prepare us to fight the threat or flee from the danger: fight or flight. But they often override our normal, logical human brain, and let our monkey brain take over. 

The problem comes in the modern world, where the monkey brain finds it increasingly difficult to work out what's an actual threat to life... and what's merely a difficult problem to be overcome. So it looks to us for understanding... and we don't help ourselves by playing it safe.

The Airborne Toxic Event - Safe

In theory, any new experience contains danger. Meeting new people, starting a new job, going out on a first date, trying a new hobby or club... life would be so much easier if we just stuck with the stuff we know and are comfortable with. Anything new - well, we don't know how to deal with it or what problems we might encounter along the way. And that's scary.

Emmy The Great - Bad Things Coming, We Are Safe

Writing this particular blog series is a bit like that. Every time I sit down to do it, I'm forcing myself out of my comfort zone. I'm not really an expert on this subject, I'm just fumbling my way through. It would be so much easier when I open up my computer to just cobble together another edition of Saturday Snapshots or Namesakes. I know how to do those now. They might take time and research and a bit of head-scratching, but they're familiar and comforting and safe. 

Or, I might put off writing the blog altogether and go watch some TV. Read a book (if only!). Watch some more music videos on youtube from bands I've never heard of. 

Hot Rod Circuit - Safely

If I do any of these things rather than writing the post that's causing me a bit of anxiety, I'm confirming the monkey's perception of threat.

Massive Attack - Safe From Harm

New experience? !!Amygdala sends out warning signals!!

Result: I feel anxious.    

Strategy? Play it safe. 

Safety strategies are the things we all do to minimise risk or avoid tackling anything new. They include distracting ourselves with other (safe) activities or avoiding any situations that make us feel remotely uncomfortable. 

Thea Gilmore - When Did You Get so Safe?

However... whenever we do this, we tell the monkey that it was right - its perception of threat was bang on the money. As a result, it'll double its efforts to warn us about getting into that situation again. 

If I stop writing this blog series because it's difficult and it makes me a little anxious, then next time I try, it'll be even harder.

If I avoid going out to a gig because there will be a lot of strange people there, and it'll be a late night, and I might not get home till after midnight... if I decide to stay at home instead and watch TV... then chances are, next time the opportunity arises, I probably won't even bother to buy tickets.

The House Of Love - Safe

These are pretty mild examples, but I'm sure you can extrapolate them to cover more serious anxiety-causing situations in your own life. Playing it safe, avoiding problems or distracting ourselves from things that are worrying just confirms to our monkey brain that these things are threats to be avoided. It'll scream even louder next time. 

The Chameleons - A Person Isn't Safe Anywhere These Days

Taken to an absolute extreme, this is where OCD comes from: you can't leave the house until you've completed these safety rituals. It's where alcohol and drug dependency starts: you feel less anxious when you have a drink. The monkey brain experts believe that even positive behaviour like exercise, meditation and structured relaxation techniques can be used as an escape strategy to help us avoid facing up to the things we fear... because when we do these things, we only confirm that the monkey was right to be afraid.

Graham Parker - Fear Not

The answer? "Feel the fear and do it anyway." 

Back in the 90s, a former colleague of mine used to swear by a self-help book with that exact title... and I used to mock it as namby-pamby mumbo-jumbo. Yet from a brain science point of view, it seems like this is the best advice you can get. If we refuse to let our anxiety get the better of us - if we embrace the situation the monkey is screaming at us to avoid - and we do this repeatedly... then, we break down the cycle of anxiety and we teach the monkey that it's something we don't have to be afraid of. 

Howie Beck - Don´t Be Afraid

Those early teaching experiences were really quite terrifying. I'd already pushed myself way out of my comfort zone by going back to university in my late 30s and retraining at something so different from anything I'd ever done before. I'd prepared myself for all kinds of problems and scenarios and figured out ways I might deal with them... but a workshop of adult learners, something that should have been far less scary than standing in front of a class of 17 year olds... that was almost my downfall. I came out of that first shadowing session and seriously asked myself if I'd made the right decision. Maybe teaching wasn't the right choice for me. Except it was too late to drop out now... and what else could I do?

The Carpenters - Don't Be Afraid

The following week, I went back to the same class and was put in the same situation again. And it wasn't immediately easier. It took me a good few weeks before I worked out how to handle myself there, but eventually I did... and my anxiety subsided. Because I'd taught my monkey brain that it was OK. It wasn't something to be afraid of. 

Boston - Don't Be Afraid

In her book, Don't Feed The Monkey Mind, Dr. Jennifer Shannon explains...

The monkey mind is like a small child or a pet watching you for guidance. I emphasize the word "watch". You cannot tell this part of your brain anything. The monkey can't be reasoned with, comforted, or distracted from its mission. The only way we can get what we want in live is to override its warnings with our behaviour.

Stop playing it safe, in other words. Playing it safe only reinforces our fears. 

Easier said than done...?

Celebrity Jukebox #101: Tony Bennett

Tony Bennett had a pretty good innings, didn't he? Over 70 years as a recording artist, working with everyone from Frank Sinatra to Lady Gaga, he always maintained his cool. Look at this performance from just a year ago... 95 and still delivering the goods. Wow.

The Jukebox obviously has lots of tributes to pay. Let's start with a track from an album called Did I Shave My Legs For This?

Hold your racing horses just one minute

A funny feeling coming over me

I'm hearing violins and Tony Bennett

Boy if this is love then I'm in it

Deana Carter - If This Is Love

It turns out Tony is an easy metaphor for all kinds of love and romance...

If you were my girl

We'd slow dance in a bar to Tony Bennett's "Sweet Lorraine" 

While I sang you every word

The Moxies - If You Were My Girl

...all across the genres...

You drove up in a powder blue corvette, it was a stingray

With Tony Bennett on the stereo and a rose stickin' out of the ashtray

You jacked up your shades and you smiled at me

You said "Hello." I said, "Oh no, here we go again..."

Mindy McCready - Lips Like Yours

...the agony and the ecstasy... yes, even the XTC...

Float up with the songbirds I'll croon and how we'll fill skies

Tony Bennett says he'll harmonise

It's a great day for loving you

Just loving you

Andy Partridge - Great Day

Beyond the hearts and flowers stuff though, we find a more intriguing reference...

And when I'm next in line I'm in it to win it
Playin' the lotto dreamy eyed like I was Tony Bennett
When I lose consolation rolls up in a minute
Toothless meth head offerin', mad clinic

Pan Amsterdam featuring Iggy Pop - Mobile

Plus the weird, obscure titular mentions...

Richard Leo Johnson - Tony Bennett

Although I was rather disappointed that the title below was actually a "featuring Tony" credit rather than a song about how Doc finds the old smoothy a bit objectionable...

Doc Severinsen - I Can't Get Started With Tony Bennett

And I was most disappointed to not be able to find this anywhere online...

The Untanned Hide Of A Young Cow - Tony Bennett

Our final lyrical reference comes in a song about another, slightly less famous, Tony, former Arsenal player and self-confessed alcoholic, Tony Adams. Joe Strummer's song is about finding a way out of addiction, and it's probably not the best tribute to Mr. Bennett out there... but it was my favourite tune today... 

I'm lost in a world beyond the lost city

I'm looking for a phone and I can't find one

Got a Tony Bennett eight-track in the hotel, pity

The moon turned around and shot someone

Celebrity Jukebox #8: Joan Crawford

We're back with another one of George's suggestions, but I knew I'd have little problem coming up with songs about Lucille Fay LeSueur. Four years ago (can it really be that long?), way before the Celebrity Jukebox was even built, I composed a Top Ten Bette Davis Songs. At the time, George asked me to follow with a Top Ten Joan Crawford Songs and I even started compiling a list... then life got in the way. Anyway, better late than never.

We have to start with this one, because I know it's on of George's personal favourites...

I should stop there, because clearly we're not going to beat a song with the chorus

Joan Crawford has rise from the grave!

But just in case there's anyone out there who doesn't share George's deep devotion to the Cult of the Blue Oyster... try these instead:

John Vanderslice - Letter To The East Coast

Being Joan Crawford at 21

Was easy

Living in new haven in 1925

Was simple and kind

Like you and me at the start

It's right and bright at the top

But the rook's not to blame

For those who didn't have an endgame

Iggy Pop - Little Miss Emperor

You're not giving an inch

You're strung like wire

Your open arms they flinch

Joan Crawford style

Treated like a towel

Inside you howl

How bad would it really be to be treated like a towel though? Better a towel than a toilet brush, surely? 

David Wilcox - Barbie

She was the secret daughter of Marilyn Monroe

You couldn't guess the father if you don't know

Joan Crawford adopted, called her baby Jane

We all knew her by a different name

Barbie, the untold story

Just remember, you heard it first from me

Barbie, the untold story

I'll tell you the truth for a phenomenal fee

Somehow I doubt that one will be featured in the soundtrack of the upcoming Barbie movie. 

Lou Reed - Halloween Parade

There's a Crawford, Davis and a tacky Cary Grant

And some Homeboys lookin' for trouble down here from the Bronx

Arguably the best Lou Reed album features quite a few celebrity guests. I'm sure we'll hear from that record again soon. 

How about something a bit more recent? How about a band who describe themselves as "Angry and miserable post-punk music from Italy"? Surely you want some of that?

The Black Veils - Lamourlamort

Vous avez dit l'amour? Vous avez dit l'amour?

Am I Bette Davis? Are you Joan Crawford?

There's a difference between 

The butcher and the lover 

Next up we have a current favourite around these parts, with a CD I have on memory stick rotation in the car at the moment...

Chuck Prophet - A Woman's Voice

Yes, a woman's voice can drug you

So spend it while you can

Yeah, you may not believe me

But she used to call me 'Senator'...

Just like Joan Crawford

She let me know who was The Man

But as we're clearly never going to find a song that beats George's favourites, maybe the best we can do to close this post is choose a song about one of Joan's most famous roles?

Your suggestions welcome. Otherwise I'll just keep going through George's list...

Cover Me Monday #18: Swelligant

Chances are you've heard this one before, but maybe not for a long time. I stuck it on one of Sam's CDs the other week and I've enjoyed getting to know it again. Originally recorded for the Red Hot + Blue compilation back in 1990, a charity record for AIDS research featuring artists of the day covering Cole Porter standards. It's since been included on Greatest Hits collections for both Debbie (or Deborah as she was calling herself at the time) and Iggy (or "Jim" as she amusingly refers to him in this song... I'm sure I don't need to tell you that Iggy's real name is James Newell Osterberg Jr.... which is about as far from Iggy as you can get).

The track was originally sung by Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra in the movie High Society. I love their version too, and I'm not about to choose between them. They're both swelligant and elegant and so good for the brain.

This Alex Cox-directed video features both versions...

Snapshots #215: A Top Ten Candy Songs

I just read that in the early 70s, Charles Bronson was the world's Number One Box Office Star. I find that incredible to believe... but not as incredible as you guys not solving the Snapshots.

Here are this week's candy-coloured solutions...

10. Hoarse or Wonder Horse?

Hoarse would be gruff. Champion The Wonder Horse was a Super Furry Animal. As is a Candylion.

Gruff Rhys - Candylion 

9. Utopian lion.

Anagram!

Paolo Nutini - Candy

8. Where the Elephant Man likes to swim.

John Hurt was the Elephant Man. He likes to swim in the Mississippi.

Mississippi John Hurt - Candy Man Blues

7. Juvenile boing!

A Teen spring.

Bruce Springsteen - Candy's Room

6. Bomb-loving doctors.

Doctor Strangelove, the movie, was also known as Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb.

The Strangeloves - I Want Candy

The original version of this, which I would have included, except it has appeared here before.

Bow Wow Wow - I Want Candy

5. Dirty copper and his alter ego get tangled up with a Scottish octopus.

The Dirty Copper would be Detective Harry Calahan, aka Clint Eastwood. The Scottish Octopus would be Mc-Ock.

Harry McClintock - Big Rock Candy Mountain

See what I did there?

4. Yo, Boris, Ron says you're all mixed up.

"Yo, Boris, Ron" was an anagram.

Roy Orbison - Candyman

Or you could have had "the candy coloured clown the call the Sandman"...

3. Lost Cleo joins a 10CC Army.

Lost Cleo is an anagram... for Costello.

Ten CC Army is an anagram... for McCartney.

Elvis Costello & Paul McCartney - So Like Candy

2. Cream Soda & Morgan's child.

Cream Soda is pop. Morgan's child would be Piers' son.

Iggy Pop & Kate Pierson - Candy

Classic lost Iggy tune... although it's hard to believe he ever had a haircut like Bryan Adams.

1. Listen to the wind blow... on the Mother & Child Reunion.

"Listen to the wind blow..." is the opening lyric to The Chain.

The mother and child were Mary and Jesus.

The Jesus & Mary Chain - Some Candy Talking

Unless you've got a Death Wish, make sure you join me back here next Saturday morning for more Snapshots...

Snapshots #192: A Top Ten Wild Songs

Here comes the WILDEST Top Ten ever. Hope you got them all...

10. Simon's shampoo?

Paul Simon prefers Wella...

Paul Weller - Wildwood

9. Opening for Boy George's band.

The opening four letters of CULTure Club...

The Cult - Wild Flower

Or you could have had..

The Cult - Wild-Hearted Son

8. Amazed by tiny rapper.

The tiny rapper would be Lil Bow Wow... who makes us all go Wow!

Bow Wow Wow - Go Wild In The Country

7. Strong boned office worker.

Vitamin D gives you strong bones.

A clerk works in an office.

Dee Clark - Ride A Wild Horse

6. Sounds like a right silly.

Dwight Twilley - Wild Dogs

5. School leaders chatting.

Talking Heads - Wild Wild Life

4. Key ring.

The musical key will affect the tone of the tune... but a key also opens a lock. You can also have a ring tone.

Tone Loc - Wild Thing

(The Troggs would have been too easy.)

3. Quiz at ours.

Anagram!

Suzi Quatro - The Wild One

2. Operate on that piggy!

Iggy Pop - Real Wild Child

1. ...outside Jerry's mousehole?

Tom Waits very patiently, but Jerry is too smart to come out.

Some of the greatest lyrics ever set to vinyl...

Never could stand that dog.

More next week...

Stressed Post Thursday

 

When you don't have a Guest Post, go with a Stressed Post.

Here's Steve Mason, getting rather stressed when his musical heroes like John Lydon and Iggy Pop take the advertising dollar...

Johnny and The Idiot pissing on a dream

And obviously, I hate it when my favourite songs end up in TV commercials too. 

Then again, I used to work in advertising, and from time to time I would have to call up agents and publishers and try to get the rights to famous songs to use in radio ads. My biggest success was getting There's Nothing Like This by Omar into a campaign for a Kitchens & Bathrooms company. (Never managed to sell them a track by Kitchens of Distinction.) If I remember rightly, it was Omar's brother-in-law who was his agent, and Omar was more than happy to take the cash. 

I lost count of the number of idiots who asked me to get Simply The Best by Tina Turner for their fireplace showroom, used Honda dealership or honey glazed donut shop... even after Ricky Gervais took the piss out of that notion in The Office.

On the office wall where I used to work, I pinned a famous Bill Hicks quote, to remind me every day just what I was doing with my life...

But do you know what? I'd go back to that job in a heartbeat if it was still there. I didn't know how good I had it.

Am I stressed right now?

Here's Steve Mason...

Guest Post Thursday #3: Top Ten Lockdown Songs

This week, JC, the Vinyl Villain, is back with another timely Top Ten. He wrote this one a few weeks back, but I still think it's relevant. Yes, they may be easing those lockdown restrictions, but most of us still feel like prisoners, maybe enjoying day release from time to time, but with the ever-present threat of going back into solitary confinement very soon. 

Anyway, it's another great list of songs from the Blogfather himself. Take it away, JC...



It really does feel that the lockdown and the various restrictions have been with us forever, but as I read on some wag's social media account the other day, we are still only around half the time that Bryan Adams had a terrible song at #1 back in 1991.

Here's ten songs whose titles kind of sum up my mood in recent weeks.

1. REM - It's The End of The World As We Know It

Surely there's nobody out there who will disagree?  The way we go about earning a living, especially for those who spend their time in offices, has been transformed beyond recognition and an increasing move to more home-working, post COVID-19, does seem likely.  The knock-on effects on the sustainability of town and city centres, which were already under threat from changing ways that we undertake retail therapy, will be significant.

2. Mogwai - Travel Is Dangerous 

Not unless you're a total prick who works in Downing Street for an even bigger prick and the journeys involve round trips of more than 500 miles.

3. The Clash - Clampdown

OK, so some of the initial restrictions are being eased, but if the scientists are right with their predictions, then we will likely have to revert to the draconian state of affairs when the second wave of the pandemic comes swooping across the UK.

4. The Specials - Ghost Town

I wasn't paying too much attention to what was going on outside of my own city of Glasgow, but it was utterly surreal to go online and look at images of totally deserted streets which would normally be thronged with workers, shoppers and folk out socialising and having a good time.  The picture that will long stick in my memory is that of a wild deer strolling care-free outside the entrance of our largest shopping centre.

So much so, that I almost dropped Ghost Town from this list and substituted There, There My Dear by Dexy's Midnight Runners.

5. Queen - I Want To Break Free

No matter how frustrating it is to be stuck indoors for much of the time, especially during such an extended period of dry and hot weather, unable to have any real social interaction with family, friends and loved ones, the advice is there for the benefit of us all and reflects that a collective effort is required to get us through the worst of times.  It does appear, for various, if understandable reasons (see #2 above) that more and more folk are breaking free.  It's probably best that everyone follows the advice in the next song title...

6. Malcolm Middleton - Stay Close, Sit Tight

Malcolm almost got two entries in this list.  'Blue Plastic Bags', written in 2008, has the chorus to end all choruses just now - 'Staying in is the new going out'.

7. David Bowie - Heroes

OK, it's a tad obvious.  Dedicated to the essential workers, and not just in the NHS and Care Homes.  If you're a hedge fund manager or an investment banker, then don't you ever dare tell me again that what you do is important and without which our economy and society would collapse.

8. Iggy Pop - I'm Bored 

I took early retirement from my job on Friday 27 March, an event that had been long in the pipeline.  All sorts of plans were in place to travel and do things I'd long dreamed of.  Everything is on hold and I've found that there are only so many books to be read or re-read, television boxsets to be devoured and old albums dusted down to be listened to before frustration and angst settles in.

9. Green Day - American Idiot

10. Sam Cooke - A Change Is Gonna Come 

No apologies for finishing off with two songs together.  The President has been an abject failure in his handling of the COVID-19 crisis which is now being exacerbated by his responses to the protests in the wake of the murder of George Floyd. Everyone is entitled to be angry, but it really is worth clinging to the words of hope in this, sadly still highly relevant, civil rights anthem from the 60s.

There've been times that I thought

I couldn't last for long

But now I'm able to carry on

It's been a long time coming

But I know

A change gonna come

Oh, yes it will

And on that day, there will be a collective rendition of Hallelujah.

JC

Thank you, JC. I don't think anyone could argue with any of your choices there. It's an honour to have you guest again...

...but now, the doors are open to everyone else. As it stands, I don't have any more guest posts lined up (not even Lynchie's Jerry Hall story), so the future of Guest Post Thursday is in your hands. 

Do you have a Top Ten, a story to tell, a Grumpy Old Man (or Woman) Song, a Positive Song For Negative Times or even a Mid-Life Crisis tune? Email me if you do. I'll try to remember to leave my email address in the comments section, but if I don't, shout at me really loudly.   

Hot 100 #5

I know a lot of people found the joke of the Ben Folds Five - that there were only three of them - to be rather smug, but they're still my favourite band with a Five in their name... yes, I like them even more than 5ive.

Ben Folds Five - Underground

There were loads of other Five bands though, including...

Grandmaster Flash & the Furious Five - The Message

The Jackson 5 - I Want You Back

Dave Clark Five - Glad All Over

The MC5 - Kick Out The Jams

5 Seconds of Summer - She Looks So Perfect

Five Thirty - 13th Disciple

(Should have had that 8 posts ago!)

Five Man Electrical Band - Werewolf

(That's bloody excellent if you've never heard it before.)

Pizzicato Five - Twiggy Twiggy

Fiver - Horse Pill Vector

The Jive Five - My True Story

The Five Breezes - My Buddy Blues

The Five Stairsteps - Ooh Child

Five Finger Death Punch - Remember Everything

Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five - Caladonia

Five Go Down To The Sleep - The Glee Club

Maroon 5 - Moves Like Jagger

Tape Five - Geraldine's Routine

The Phantom Five - She's Not

And a very different band with the same name...

The Phantom Five - Graveyard

The Five Teenbeats - Time To Rock

The Berkley Five - You're Gonna Cry

5 Chinese Brothers - Let's Kill Saturday Night

The Five Discs - My Baby Loves Me

Five For Fighting - Superman

Brendan Croker and the 5 O`Clock Shadows - No Money At All

Funboy Five - Life After Death

The Five Satins - In The Still Of The Night

The Count Five - Psychotic Reaction

The Five Quails - It's Been A Long Time

The 5th Dimension - Age Of Aquarius

And, of course...

Five Star - Rain Or Shine

(Sorry, Martin.)

Oh, and this from Lynchie...

The best ever band with 5 in their name is "Five Hand Reel".

If this disnae stir the blood, yer deid!

Five Hand Reel - Haughs O Cromdale

Sad to say, every one of those can be found in my hard-drive (except Five Hand Reel, I'm afraid). That's what I was doing while the rest of the male population were out drinking beer, watching football and meeting girls.

"But what about the Five songs?" I heard nobody cry.

Over to Swiss Adam to kick us off this week...

The Third Bardot - 5 Years Ahead Of My Time

Iggy Pop - 5' 1"

I'm pretty sure someone has pointed this out before. It may even have been you. Super Hans! And that is a fantastic video.

Stockholm Monsters - Five o 'Clock

The Jam - Just Who Is the 5 O'Clock Hero?

The early birds certainly gets the pick of the juiciest worms, don't they?

Mazzy Star - Five String Serenade

The Belbury Circle - Cloudburst Five

Onto Charity Chic...

Louis Jordan - Five Guys Named Mo

That really makes me smile. And it takes a lot to do that these days.

Nanci Griffith - Love at the Five and Dime

I didn't think you liked Nanci Griffith. Is that for Mrs. Charity Chic?

David Bowie - Five Years (potential winner)

It'd certainly be up there with Iggy, Weller & Louis.

John Medd put all his chips on one track this week...

Martin Taylor - Five-Oh

That is a lovely reinterpretation. Although nothing beats the original for me.

Then came C, with a very telling observation...

Five Minutes or Five Years feel about the same at the moment so my first thoughts are Stranglers and Bowie.

The Stranglers - Five Minutes 

But, wait, there's more!

The Vogues: Five O'Clock World

and Dave Brubeck Quartet: Take Five

Thank you, C. We'll come back to you later...

Here comes Lynchie...

Tom Waits or The Eagles - Ol' 55

I think you can probably work out for yourself why I'm not allowing that one. Not just because it already featured here in Week 55, but because if I started allowing every mention of a 5 as part of a bigger number, not only would that contravene the Tom Robinson Rule, it would also mean revisiting every song we featured in Week #15, #25, #35, #45, all the 50s, etc. etc. etc. My brain just melted at the very prospect.

Oh damnation - Just realised that the Tom Waits song is 55 so we've probably done that one. And suppose Manfred Mann's "5-4-3-2-1" is no use. *sigh*

Thank you.

The Andrews Sisters - Mister Five by Five

That's more like it. Although there's something rather disturbing about the character described therein... and it probably contravenes all kinds of size-ist PC rules these days.

And then came Martin...

The Jam's gone already, so's (one) Bowie. So...

Lenny Kravitz - 5 More Days 'Til Summer 

I never really got Lenny Kravitz.

Gene Vincent - Five Days, Five Days

Christine and the Queens - 5 Dollars

Beck - High 5

Jeff Beck - Five Feet of Lovin'

Tricky feat. Cyndi Lauper - Five Days

David Bowie - When I'm Five (tbh, not as good as Five Years)

No. I kinda like it though.

Ziggy Marley - Five Days A Year

Cocteau Twins - Five Ten Fiftyfold

Tom Robinson Rule.

Hang on, Lynchie's back...

Natalie Cole - 5 Minutes Away

Sesame Street - Five People in My Family

We have a winner. (Maybe in a couple of weeks.)

Also back for a second go - Swiss Adam...

The Stone Roses - Full Fathom Five for some psychedelic backwards nonsense...

I am now worshipping the devil.

Also Minutemen - Take 5, D

That's great.

Time for Alyson...

I wrote about bands with 5 in their title a while back when I published my 101st post - as has been pointed out around here before (by George I think) the binary number 101 equates to the decimal number 5 so the 101ers could be a contender. 

I don't understand binary because I'm not a robot. These guys seem to understand it though...

Flight of the Conchords - Robots

Lots of binary code in there.

Wait, Alyson's not done yet... she has some songs too!

McFly - 5 Colours In Her Hair (one of DD's old favourites)

I have a lot of time for McFly.

Everything But The Girl - Five Fathoms

My personal favourite is this one although it won't qualify I'm sure - George was at his best here and it made for a memorable performance shared many times in the aftermath of his death.

George Michael and Queen with Lisa Stansfield - Five Live

Well, no, because that's the name of the EP, not a song. Great performance though.

Over to Dubai now, for our weekly visit with Jim...

The Blessing - Highway 5

I had that on 7".

The Luniz - I Got 5 on It

Forgotten all about that!

Presidents of The USA - Mach 5

Inspiral Carpets - Saturn 5

Martin gave that an extra vote.

Noah & The Whale - 5 Year Time

Serious contender.

Kirk Lake / Jaques - Five Finger Discount

Ooh. That deserves further investigation.

Adam & The Ants - Five Guns West

Ada & The Ants - Magnificent 5

(Jim's typo left in, because I love the idea of a tribute band called Ada & The Ants. They're all grannies, of course.)

Reverend Horton Heat - Five O Ford

Les Georges Leningrand - George 5 (First time i heard this song it was on quite loud at home, came on a Rough Trade CD, i had to turn it down as i was worried i would scare the neighbours. It is one of the strangest songs i have ever heard but i love it, took a few listens though).

All I could find, Jim, was this...

Les Georges Leningrad - George IV

...but if that's it, you're welcome to resubmit it next week.

Over to Rigid Digit...

Avoiding all the good ones I already had on my little list:

David Gilmour - 5AM

Live at Pompeii. From the middle of a volcano. Why do people call Pink Floyd pretentious?

Yes - Five% Of Nothing

Speaking of pretentious... that's only 37 seconds long, but you'll want them back.

Judge Dread - Big Five

Sadly not the one from 2000AD.

It was looking like Rigid Digit was definitely going for this week's booby prize... until he unearthed this little gem. An absolute cracker. I liked it so much, I wrote a short story with the same title.

Alan Jackson (featuring Jimmy Buffett) - It's Five O'Clock Somewhere

Tom Robinson Rule?

Doors - Five To One

Arctic Monkeys - Four Out Of Five

Flagrant abuse of the rules there, RD. Watch out, Charity Chic will start comparing you to Dominic Cummings if you're not careful. Speak of the devil (CC, not DC, thankfully), here he is again...

Johnny Cash - Five Feet High and Rising

Classic.

Tim Carroll - Five Year Town

Not bad at all.

Time to pop over to Douglas in Canada, who starts off with another belter from the Man In Black...

Johnny Cash - Five Minutes To Live

Before going on to protest that ultra-contentious rule himself...

I can't believe that Mattiel's "Fives and Tens" would fall afoul of the Tom Robinson Rule?

Well, it does. But I do like Mattiel (certainly more than Dave Gilmour or Judge Dread), so...

Mattiel - Fives And Tens

Or what of "Five Foot Two, Eyes of Blue (Has Anybody Seen My Gal?)", which since its penning in 1914 just about everyone has covered, but for the sake of argument here let's suggest Dean Martin's version as well as Guy Lombardo's. Not sure which of those two version my dad had in mind as he went about the house singing it throughout my childhood...

Dean Martin - Five Foot Two, Eyes of Blue (Has Anybody Seen My Gal?)

I think that might just scrape in. Particularly as it gives CC the chance to add...

Scottish football fans used to sing "Six foot two,eyes of blu; Big Jim Holton's after you" about a nonsense centre half.

Next up is Brian, who has his eyes on a couple of the week's big contenders, but also throws these two into the pot...

Elvis Costello and the Attractions - 5ive Gears in Reverse

Wonder if the band 5ive stole their name from that?

The Go-Betweens - Five Words

Can't go wrong there.

Well, I guess that's it for your suggestions this week.

Oh, wait, no... we saved the best for last! Her comes The Swede, who took his time this week...

Here are the results of my wanderings around the old external hard-drives scattered around this house:

Fridge - Five Combs

Fridge - Five Four Child Voice

Soft Machine - Sign of Five

Soft Machine - Spaced Five

Sleaford Mods - Stick in a Five and Go

Fire! - You Liked Me Five Minutes Ago

Serge Gainsbourg - Wake Me at Five

Roscoe Mitchell - Off Five Dark Six

Couldn't find that, so I'm calling Tom Robinson Rule.

Marianne Segal & Silver Jade - Five of Us

Grandpa Jones - Five String Banjo Boogie

Bob Dylan - Obviously Five Believers

Michael Gibbs - Five For England

Billy Joe Shaver - Old Five and Dimers Like Me

Menomena - Five Little Rooms

Saturday's Children - Deck Five

The Heliocentrics - The Five Thing

Bonnie Prince Billy - Jolly Five

Serge Gainsbourg - Five Easy Pisseues

Sadly, I didn't have time to listen to or comment on any of The Swede's suggestions this week, because it's already 8.30 on Monday evening and I've not had my tea yet. I'm sure they were all lovely. I'm also not going to spend too long scraping my own hard drive this week. But here's a few...

Georgia Satellites - Dan Takes Five

Jeff Klein - Five Good Reasons

The Pogues - Five Green Queens & Jean

REO Speedwagon - Five Men Were Killed Today

Gretchen Peters - Five Minutes

Dan Le Sac Vs. Scroobius Pip - Five Minutes

Frank Sinatra - Five Minutes More

Jim Croce - Five Short Minutes

Flaming Lips - Five Stop Mother Superior Rain

The Long Blondes - Five Ways To End It

Dawes - Less Than Five Miles Away

Art Brut - Martin Kemp Welch Five A-Side Football Rules!

There were probably many more, down in the recesses, but I really want my tea now, so let's just call a winner, shall we?

Truth be told, I was really rather stuck between two of your fine suggestions.

Firstly this... which is pure Fun, Fun, Fun, as suggested by both Alyson and Brian...

Housemartins - Five Get Overexcited 

However, much as I love that, I'm going to have to plump for the one suggested by C and Swiss Adam this week, mainly because it was the first one I thought of. Yes, it's a cover version of a track mentioned earlier. Or, more accurately, it's two cover versions in one, since it segues effortlessly into Petula Clark's I Know A Place about halfway through... and that's one of the reasons I love it.

As cover versions go there, it manages that rare trick of being better than the original. I think it may well be one of the most exciting songs I've ever heard (I know, I'm delirious from lack of food, humour me).



OK... who's ready for a little four-play?

(Apologies for any typos this week. I had no time to proofread!)