It's been a hectic week here at Top Ten Towers - not much time for blogging.
Fortunately, George was ready to step in...
A few days ago, in the must-listen-to-every-song-all-the-way-through Namesakes series, Rol wrote that despite the title of his blog he does not actually write a Top Ten piece any more. (I'm glad to see George is finally calling that series by its proper name.) I emailed him to say that I had started several but never got to ten songs. Well, now I have. So here it is. A “Top Ten Dairy Songs”. A teacher of English would know: is it ironic that a top ten dairy list is compiled by a vegan? (Yes.)
The songs below are not in any order of preference.
1. Captain Beefheart and The Magic Band - Ice Cream for Crow
The title track of his last album, and a rollicking great, almost rockabilly, song.
In parts it sounds a game of pong gone mad. I’ve done a Rol here in stretching/ignoring the rule that the song itself must pertain to the title, but I can’t see any objection coming from either Rol or regular reader Ernie.
I object on the basis that I do remember it and wish I didn't. Ernie?
3.Billy Bragg - The Milkman of Human Kindness
One of my favourite “sing-along-with-Billy-Bragg” songs.
Anyway, components of custard are dairy, so it’s in the list. That funky bit in the song is made by a clavinet. I think.
5.Larry Williams - Peaches and Cream
Not one of his better known songs, but a fine 2 minute blast of rock and roll. And given it’s a 1950s rock and roll song, I suppose the peaches and cream of the song are not actually a fruit and a dairy product.
Bending the rules again*, but I’ve always lumped eggs in with dairy, probably from years of saying “vegetarian and no eggs no dairy”. Sung by one of my Top Ten favourite female singers. Mr CC has written (here) about our attempts to see Tarnation in Sheffield, he got the train from Glasgow, me driving up from Birmingham. Indeed he is very lucky never to have seen them twice!
And from the absolutely fantastic Quim Barreiros, from the first album of his that I purchased, “A cabritinha” (I’m 99% confident he is not referencing little female goats) and here you can see the great man in action, musically that is:
And I actually think this is a song about making an omelette. Of course, my knowledge is Portuguese entendres / sexual slang is almost zero. (I do know not to go to Mrs Woman in the veg shop and ask for tomatoes, though, only for tomato.*)
Somehow this song wasn’t banned. If anyone is thinking of doing a My Top Ten Sweetie songs, can I suggest Lollipop Mama by Wynonie Harries, a song that is of course about, according to wikipedia, a type of sugar candy usually consisting of hard candy mounted on a stick and intended for sucking or licking".
So there you are, a Top Ten Dairy Songs list, that probably only has one song about a dairy product.
And if he posts this, thanks go to Rol. Enjoy the music.
Thank you, George, for bringing the tone of this blog down several notches. Always good to see.
OK, clearly I was here, because I ran a Namesakes which aggravated George even more than usual because the best band weren't an exact, precise, 100% namesake. Bloody Maths teachers and their pedantry.
But as well as being here, I was also guesting over at the esteemed No Badger Required blog, talking about a band I like that nobody else really likes.
I definitely won the prize for most out-of-place blogpost this month.
Still, if you want to read why I love the guys at the top of the page as much as I do... go read the post.
Instead, I am playing with some lovely Mountain Goats over at The Vinyl Villain. Thank you to the Blogfather, JC, for hosting today's rambly witterings.
Never mind the bollocks - here's a first for Snapshots... a guest post!
Well, sort of.
George stepped forward and offered 15 pieces of music with a curious connection. He left me with the hard work of finding all the photos and coming up with clues I haven't used before... but frankly, I don't blame him. That takes a lot of going back over old editions to make sure I don't use something I've used before.
Can you identify the faces in George's rogues gallery... and work out what connects their tunes?
15. Bohemian Rhapsodist.
14. Unforgettable part in the King's Bible.
13. Hawaii Jack, boogying pig, football squad.
12. Trowel and mortar specialists.
11. Sorry, I can't attend. I have another engagement that night.
10. Erstwhile Isley Brother.
9. Wounded stag owner, Reed, circa.
8. Johnsons.
7. Mediocre amateurs, lost inside.
6. A div and (his) duds are often mixed up.
5. You're the tray of nice things I upset yesterday.
4. It's Sneers Week! In a way.
3. Sweeter alternative to the gravy train.
2. Denied starting fires between Harry Truman and Red China.*
(*This is my favourite clue this year.)
1. Confused band, ft. Lelah.
Thank you, George.
If all this has left your brain feeling Pretty Vacant... don't worry. The answers will be here tomorrow morning.
It's Unlucky A Hundred & Thirteen... but lucky for us, George is back with some cormorants... I tried looking for images relating to other definitions of the word shag, but I couldn't find any on the interweb.
Take it away, George...
Please do not think I have chosen these bands because of the slightly suggestive titter-ye-not name. Nope, that tittering was reserved for the Billy Graves track posted over at the pages at Charity Chic Music a wee while ago. I happened on today’s choice whilst wasting a lovely Sunday afternoon scrolling through The Tube Of You (as Rol refers to it), after setting fire to a few dug-up bushes at the farm. One of the bands underneath was in one of those “worst bands of all time” pieces, and the chappie who posted it was wrong, of course, because the obvious contenders Gentle Giant and U2 were absent. So, below, are four bands with the same name. ONLY FOUR*, so there is absolutely no excuse for any reader to skip playing any or to cut short in any way their listening experience.
(*Or maybe five.)
THE SHAGGS #1
First, from First Bend, Indiana, what appears to have been a 5 piece garage band. Having played some of the tracks from there only album, “Wink”, they were all perfectly pleasant cover versions of well known 60s pop songs. Their version of a Who song, although not great, is not terrible. But you’re not getting that...
So far, three nice easy tunes for you. I’m saving the best ‘til last. Some eejit proclaimed the Wiggins sisters’ group as the worst band ever (did I apostrophise correctly, Rol?*). Just listen to this, it’s the absolute bifters.
(*I think so.)
THE SHAGGS #4
Wait! I’ve discovered the Australian Shaggs cover of Kool Thing!
And finally, here they are. Dorothy, Betty and Helen Wiggin. It’s The Shaggs. The album “defied expectations” and their parents declared that the girls were “inevitably…. bound for stardom”
Yes, Mr and Mrs Austin, you were wrong there, but what a legacy! And if you want to fork out at least €50, you could own a copy of that incredible first album “Philosophy of the World”. I want this one on my shelves.
And yes, there were five bands, I know, but I just could not be bothered editing the first paragraph.
Thanks, as always, to Rol, for posting this piece on his blog.
WAIT! The album is on Bandcamp! And shortly will be listed on my spreadsheet! An album that moved no less a musician than Frank Zappa to say it was “better than the Beatles”. I have more albums by The Shaggs than by Frank Zappa. And there’s a tribute album too. My cup overfloweth.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm shagged out after that lot. Thank you to George, as always.
It may be worth pointing out to him that there are quite a few bands listed on discogs called The Shags, with just one G. Normally, I'd roll them all in together, but I wouldn't want to lessen the impact of this post. We can Shag again another day.
George is back, to plumb depths I can only dream of.
And he's chosen a band name that only a true Scot (even one who's living in Portugal) could tackle. Take it away, George...
I was thumbing through the Roots Reggae Library the other day (i.e. buggering about on the internet, waiting for Nuno to phone) when I came across a band with a rather peculiar name. It made me think of the land of my birth, of 1970s boy bands and a disastrous 1978 world cup campaign. Yes, it’s The Tartans. And what a ridiculous name for a band.
Yet despite it being a quite idiotic name for a band, there’s a plethora of bands who thought it sounded good. They were wrong there, let me tell you that and tell you no more!
So it’s time to put your listening ears on for this collection of kilts...
Next up, and these people might be from California (it’s where the record label is based), but I have no idea where Camerford is - rather like the electricity network people here have no idea where our farm is but are still threatening to cut off our supply if they can’t change the meter, even though they admitted to not knowing where we are…….is that a Catch-22 situation?). And this is perfectly listenable:
Jim from Dubai has been a regular visitor to this blog for some years now. I've always welcomed his comments, and the fact that he boosted my international readership beyond Portugal and the USA. Recently, Jim was one of a few people who helped me track down a copy of the song Obvious by Dean Owens' band Smile for the biggest edition of Namesakes to date. As part of our ensuing conversation, I asked him if he fancied a guest post, wondering if he might tell us a little more about the life of British music fan in Dubai. Well, Jim delivered, and I'm privileged to offer his guest post below, along with a selection of tunes of his choice...
Checking in on blogs like yours, The Vinyl Villain, and another few have kept me interested in music during my time in Dubai.
Before I moved here I grew up in Glasgow and used to go to regular gigs and was always listening to and buying music, but since I moved here in 2000, you can probably guess, the music scene here is very poor.
To be honest, I was always a bit of a homeboy, I loved Glasgow and the music scene back in the late 90s / early 2000s and it never crossed my mind I would work in another country. Then right out the blue one of my colleagues who I had worked with who had moved to Dubai with the same company called me to ask if I fancied a move to Dubai. Back then Dubai was not the metropolis it is now, I had hardly heard of it. I was single at the time and spoke to my family and friends and everyone said to me I may regret it in the future if I didn't take this chance so I gave it a go and almost 24 years later I am still here. I am now 30 years with the company, a large US communications company who supply cables and communications products for data centres and stuff like that.
One of my reservations for leaving to come to Dubai was I would miss the music scene, hearing music, and buying records. Remember, back then there wasn't YouTube, streaming or accessible music to listen to, so I knew I was giving that up.
Unfortunately, the music scene in Dubai at the moment is pretty poor. There are no regular decent music nights and not really any bars that play good music (well, music that I like anyway). There are some really great bars and there are new bars opening nearly every week, however most of them play a similar type of music which is generally bland dance / DJ type music, R&B, Hip Hop. Many will have bands that play regular overplayed rock music... also the cost of a beer is generally between £10-£13!!
During the 24 years I have been here, there have been some great music nights and I have met some folks who have a similar taste in music so there are some of us here.
When I first arrived in Dubai, I didn't really know anyone and I was staying in a hotel for the first few weeks. I was not one for going out to a bar by myself but when you are in a new country and it is the weekend you either stay in or you make the effort and go out for a few beers. Luckily, the first year or so I was here, there was a pop music quiz in one of the bars and one thing I love is a music quiz.
I went by myself and stood at the bar. There were a lot of teams, mainly British folks, but even though I missed the first round as I got delayed and arrived a bit late, I still won the quiz. I went back again the next week, again stood at the bar by myself and again won the quiz. When I went back the third week, a couple of lads came up and spoke to me, British lads who liked their music, and I ended up joining their team. One of the lads, Steve, is still my best mate in Dubai and another real music obsessive. He is still in Dubai. We have been to many gigs here over the years and we still burn CDs to each other with whatever music we have been listening to. I remember one time, we were all up at Steve's house before going into town, and he played this. I had never heard of The Strokes at this time, but I loved this song and it started my love of all things Strokes.
Myself, Steve and another lad, Calum, liked our quizzes and our music, we quickly found that we all had a love of The Associates and the song Party Fears Two, so when we went to other quizzes as the 3 of us, our quiz team name became Party Fears 3, and 24 years later I still use that name for any quiz nights we go to. If there are 4 of us, we are Party Fears 4; 5, Party Fears 5, etc. Everyone here just knows us as Party Fears, but almost no ones knows the meaning of it.
The first big music night here that really appealed to me was an Indie night that ran for about 5 years from about 2003 to 2008. It was called Twisted Melons and was the last Friday of the month. It started with about a dozen people, but once it got running there were normally over 100 people there. Great night, great music, as you can probably guess, the likes of Happy Mondays, Stone Roses, New Order and the like, but the for first hour or so they played some unusual stuff we had not heard of, so this was also a good way for me to hear some decent new music.
My favourite memory of Twisted Melons is Young Folk by Peter, Bjorn and John. I remember hearing this for the first time there and loving it. I spoke to the DJ to ask what it was and I have loved it ever since.
As Dubai is such a transient city, people come and go with their jobs and unfortunately the DJs left Dubai and Twisted Melons finished.
A few years later, in one of the small pubs in the old part of the city, one of my friends started a Northern Soul night which was great. A small pub venue with around 50 odd people all generally British folks between 40 to 60 who loved the music. I admit I was not the biggest Northern Soul fan, my wife Jude had a lot of old Kent label albums on vinyl and loved this music. I got to like it more over the years. The one song that gets me immediately on to the dance floor would be The Night by Frankie Valli.
A bit of talcum powder on the floor and everyone having a wee boogie, great while it lasted, but again the DJ moved on and that night stopped.
There was a band we used to go and watch who played one of the pubs once a month. They were called The 1990s. They played mainly Brit Poppy type music, Oasis, Kings of Leon, Kaiser Chiefs, also things like the The Kinks, Stones, the Jam and stuff. This was always a great night but due to Covid, many of the lads lost their jobs or moved on, so again it finished.
Over the past year, the Dubai Vespa and Lambretta Club have had some good music related brunches, normally on a Saturday afternoon from 12.30pm till around 5-6pm. It starts off with Northern Soul but soon moves onto late 70's / early 80's stuff like The Jam, Specials, Clash, Madness, Bad Manners and the likes, which gets the place going, then moves onto Indie / Brit pop with the likes of Oasis, Blur, Pulp, Primal Scream and stuff. Unfortunately, there were only three of these days in the past year, they really need to have more of these days / nights. There's one song that gets everyone on the dancefloor once we're all suitably lubricated...
There have been a quite a few bands who have played here over the years but these are mainly older acts such as:
The Stranglers (without Hugh Cornwell), then Hugh Cornwell playing solo, so we have seen the Original Stranglers line up just not on the same night or stage.
The Human League, a few times.
Madness
Bryan Ferry
The Wonderstuff
Simple Minds, a few times.
Billy Ocean
James
The Stone Roses
Suede
The Lightning Seeds
Neil Finn (doing a mixture of Crowded House and Split Enz)
80's Rewind Festivals (with the likes of ABC, Midge Ure, From The Jam, Nick Heyward, Marc Almond, Tony Hadley, Altered Images)
Ska Night (Neville Staples doing The Specials stuff, Pauline Black doing The Selector stuff and Ranking Roger doing The Beat). Jude got her photo taken with Ranking Roger. She was really heartbroken when he passed away a few years ago.
About 10 years ago they also had a mini Indie type festival called Sound City. It was over three days and we had the likes of Happy Mondays, The Farm, The Doves, Human League, Super Furry Animals and many more.
Here in Dubai, we end up going to see bands or artists we may not have gone to see in the UK as we don't get many decent people coming here so we end up going with friends to see anyone half decent.
I met my wife Jude here in Dubai, she is from Birmingham and loves music, she grew up on a diet of Ska and the likes of The Specials, The Beat etc. back in the late 70's early 80's.
Dubai is a tough city to meet someone as it is such a transient city, around 85% of the population is expatriate and most people tend to be here for a short period of time, job permitting, so I was very lucky to meet Jude and especially as she is a big music fan too.
We got married in 2015 in the UK and went to the Indietracks festival near Derby for our honeymoon (before going to Italy), with my mate Steve and his wife Kat from Dubai, he was my best man. We went to Indietracks twice - the first time, two of my favourite Indie Pop bands, Helen Love and BIS, were playing so that was the main reason we went.
I was speaking to one of the guys on the stalls selling records and told him we came from Dubai specially to see Helen Love and BIS and he arranged for me to meet Sheena from Helen Love before they went onto the stage. She was very nice, very nervous and it was great to have a chat with her. They put on an amazing show, was one of the highlights of the weekend.
We have also been to a few places on our travels to see some bands:
Budapest, to see Placebo. Jude is a big Placebo fan, so when I saw they were touring Europe and specifically Budapest on her birthday, we went for a few days. Budapest is a great city and the Placebo gig was great. This was the highlight...
Hamburg, to see Sparks. I have always loved Sparks, the fact that Ron and Russell are still releasing albums and touring well into their 70s is incredible, I have every Sparks studio album, well over 20 of them, some hit and miss but overall a great body of work.
The thing we loved about this gig was the venue which was Mojo's.
We knew the venue was at the top of the Reeperbahn, so we went to check it out on the day we arrived, just so we knew where it was. Using Google maps, we were standing exactly where the venue should have been, but we couldn't see any sign of it. After a while we noticed what looked like a huge drain on the pavement, and it had a kind of "M" shape embossed on it, so we thought maybe it might be underground. We came back the night of the gig and right enough, the pavement had opened up and there was a stairway leading underground. We were amazed, it was a great night and one of the best venues I have been to.
As much as I love This Town Ain't Big Enough and The Number One Song in Heaven, which they played on the night, I have plumped for a song which unfortunately they did not play...
New York, to see Silversun Pickups. Jude retired last year. She is a huge Elvis fan, so I promised I would take her to Graceland once she retired. We spent two weeks in the US, a few days in New York, Memphis with Gracelands, Sun Studios and the amazing Stax Studios which we spent hours in and we finished off in New Orleans spending our nights in the various soul bars there.
While in New York, we saw that The Silversun Pickups were playing at The Webster Theatre and managed to get tickets. I only really knew a couple of their songs but we were happy to get to a gig whilst there. We have since bought their albums and really like them. The stand out track and another one of my favourite songs is Lazy Eye, from the opening riff as it builds up until it explodes, top tune.
And in August last year, we went to Bangkok to see The Strokes (and also The Bangkok Beatles, who are brilliant).
I hope there will be more in the future.
Overall, Dubai is a great, vibrant city to live in, with sunshine most days of the year. However, for five months of the year, it is too hot and humid, 40-50 degrees most days. During this period it's too humid to be outdoors, especially in the evenings.
You asked if I ever get homesick. Sometimes I do, especially missing my family and friends, but I have been here for so long now and met many good friends and that helps a lot, I have also had family and friends visit over the years. It's a nice place to visit, especially during the UK winter months.
The one thing I do miss is when I see gigs or bands advertised playing in the UK and I am out here and realize I am missing so many great nights, that's the one thing I miss.
PS: I know you said you previously worked in Radio. My minor claim to fame was back in 1997, my boss entered me for Music Brain on Radio 1. It was a music quiz by Mark Goodier that ran the whole year and I was lucky enough to win it. I was on it three times during the year and the final was just before Christmas. I was delighted to win it as I love a good music quiz. It was a kinda precursor to Pop Master I suppose, as it was a year before Pop Master started and only ran for one year.
I can't thank Jim enough for this post. When I asked him if he fancied doing a guest post, I had no idea he'd put so much into it. I'm sure you'll agree it makes for a fascinating insight into the adventures of a British music fan abroad, with a great selection of tunes to go along with it. Thanks again, Jim - you're a star!
George is back, to save me having to think of anything to write today. Careful though, he's feeling a little touchy...
A couple of weeks ago, the nice chappie at 27leggies introduced us to the music of Howdy Glenn via a cover of a Willie Nelson song “Touch Me”. If my memory serves me well, in the comments he then boasted of being a personal friend of Samantha Fox, much to Rol’s delight (who had reminded us of Ms Fox’s song of the same name). Which got me thinking of songs about touching (titter ye not, please), and also wondering why a blog called My Top Ten has had absolutely no Top Ten lists of songs about anything for many many months, if not years. Too much mucking about with photo thingies and artistes with the same name.
(To be fair, the photo thingies are usually Top Tens, George, but I take your point.)
So, instead of me carping on about how awful are many of the tunes by the plethora of Coast-to-Coasts or Sleepers. I thought I had to carpe the diem and create my own Top Ten “touching” songs. And it should go without saying that AC/DC are not and never would be anywhere this Top Ten (or indeed the Top Ten of anything).
First up, the almost deep, almost mellifluous (on this track) voice of Jim Morrison:
Mr Morrison was not the only singer wanting to be fondled. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Porter Wagoner with a touching tale. As a bonus, you have the lyrics here, and what a joy they are.
George Jones could have made a great cover of that song. (I’ve just discovered that he has, but Porter’s version is better.)
Lots of country artistes are into their touching. And doing their own versions of Willie Nelson songs. This is Buck Owens’ version of the song that inspired(??) this article:
And almost inevitably, here’s The Fall, where Mark E Smith expresses, amongst other things, his inner Portuguese self by singing about public urination:
1. The Soul Stirrers - Touch The Hem Of His Garment
So, no New Order, no Blondie. Or Diana Ross (a snippet of which I often warble to my partner). But, it would be churlish not to include this: Ms Fox performing for a very appreciative group of middle aged Norwegians in 2010...
(My partner was in the same room as I typed all this up. Only ONE song did she sing along to.)
Thank you, as always, George. Your guest posts offer a brief reprieve from the torrent of nonsense that usually fills this space. You're always welcome here... as is anyone else who has nothing better to do with their time.
As I recover from our whistle-stop tour of The North, taking in Carlisle, the Lake District and That Edinburgh (of which, more anon), I shall take a moment to point you towards a guest post I wrote for SWC's always excellent No Badger Required blog. This month's theme is all about music's greatest females. Those of you who have been serving a lengthy sentence in the Top Ten Dungeon will hardly find my selection a surprise... indeed, I may have even recycled some of my previous plaudits, because if you can't plagiarise yourself, then who can you plagiarise? Anyway, you can read my offering here. Then add NBR to your blog roll if you haven't done so already, because it's never less than hugely entertaining and enlightening.
But before you click on the link, take a few minutes to enjoy some more musical ladies, bang up to date this time. They're called The Last Dinner Party, and I look forward to hearing a lot more from them...
Sam and I are away on our annual Boy's Getaway this week. In fact, we should be enjoying our All You Can Eat Breakfast as this post goes live, prior to a two hour drive up to That Edinburgh for a whistle-stop tour of the obvious touristy bits, minus any charity shops... because, what would be the point?
Luckily, George offered to step in with a Namesakes post for you all to argue about in my absence... thank you, George. The stage is all yours...
RAINBOW #1
Sitting amongst the many many albums that never get played is one I bought on its release in 1978. Not played for over 40 years, but I do seem to remember the last track on side 2 being a slow dirge-like song that is a most un-heavy metal 7 minute bore-fest called Rainbow Eyes. The album is Long Live Rock ´n´ Roll, by Rainbow. With Ronnie James Dio on vocal. I could say “when they were good” but I won’t. For some reason the bottom left of the cover has a small, 1cm, square cut out of it, which could have been me although I’ve no idea why I did it (I did the same thing with Moonflower). Here’s the best song on the album, one that I very much enjoyed then and still do now! It’s a live version, and apart from admiring the effortless guitar-playing of Mr Blackmore, I was also very much taken with that top he was sporting. Although it would look ridiculous on me...
(If you liked that, and why wouldn’t you, the Sons Of Apollo do a belting version.)
Are there any other Rainbows? Well, yes of course. Are they as good as the Ronnie James Dio “Rainbow”? Judge for yourselves...
RAINBOW #2
First of two Nordic Rainbows, the Danish one, who shot to fame in 1978, made one belting album, then quit. Well, they played many concerts in Denmark, made one album, then called it a day. One website said they were a partyband that played their own music plus covers of Toto, Earth Wind & Fire and many more. They had to change their name because Mr Blackmore felt threatened that his Rainbow would lose out in popularity stakes to Denmark’s finest.
RAINBOW #3
Good call, Ritchie. Next, Norway’s Rainbow, from Sarpsborg. They’ve been releasing albums sporadically since 1977 yet Wikipedia has the gall to omit them from the “musical artists and bands” section of their Sarpsborg page! One of their songs is Bye Bye Baby Goodbye... but you can sob with relief into your hankies because (a) it’s not THAT song, and (b) I’m not posting it here. Instead, you have this soft rock-pop tune for your listening ears...
That has more of a Toto influence than the Danish band. And what better to follow something from Denmark and Norway than this from Sweden...
Now for an allegedly Hi NRG Rainbow, from Canada, written by Allan Coelho (Allan Rabbit to those familiar with Portuguese, and not be confused with former Portuguese PM Pedro Manuel Mamede Passos Coelho, or Peter Rabbit). One single from them. That was it.
RAINBOW #5
This 1960s psychedelic pop band released one album in 1969 before calling it a day.
Not bad, but it’s no Gates Of Babylon.
RAINBOW #6
At least one reader will be delighted to learn that’s there’s a reggae Rainbow, from Rockfort, East Kingston (Jamaica, not outer London).
RAINBOW #7
Finally, and I know CC will like this, a jazz Rainbow (featuring Will Boulware), from their one album, Crystal Green...
A plethora of Rainbows, seven in total (and how pleasing is that, one for every colour).
I'm especially grateful to George for writing this post, because Rainbow was on my long-list for this feature, so he's saved me the agony!
Look, everyone: George is back to give me another day off! And he's brought Twiglets!
Take it away, George...
When I was growing up in the 1960s and 70s, my parents would sometimes have parties (NO, that those kind of parties!), and sometimes my brother and I would be dragged along to their friends’ houses for similar gatherings. Typical party food: vol-au-vonts, sausages and pineapple on cocktail sticks (not the entire pineapple), Silverskin onions (on a cocktail stick, sometimes with pineapple, and not Silvikrin onions, such a thing would be beyond disgusting), and savoury snacks in a kind of multi-pack, sections with peanuts, cheese puffs, those little stick potato crisp things, and Twiglets. No sane child liked or would admit to liking Twiglets in those far off days, (my brother and I certainly hated them, and we were very sane), that peculiar snacky thing of hardened flour twisted into what could pass for a small twig (maybe 6cm long) coated in Marmite. I don’t suppose Twiglets are actually hardened flour coated in Marmite, and it’s simple to find out just what they are, but where’s the fun in that? Those days of pointless arguments about trivial issues such as this are gone, thanks to the Bloody Internet. (When I was drinking with Charity Chic and two other friends in Dundee a few weeks ago we had a ridiculous few moments trying to remember where the 2018 World Cup was held, which in those far off days before the Bloody Internet could have gone on for at least 20 minutes but was cut short by (a) one of us actually remembering, and (b) at the same time Euan looking it up on his phone).
But it is thanks to the Bloody Internet that I have found a few songs that mention that Marmite-coated snack, a snack that I actually like now...
First up, here’s Lady Sovereign...
Push me, push me up against that fridger... I ain't frigid
I'm just expressin' myself as one really hungry midget
Crack open them Twiglets so we can munch them like pigletsLady Sovereign - Food Play
And next, Justin Bieber. Almost.
Bieber eating a Twiglet
Bieber eating a Twiglet
Bieber eating a Twiglet
On a talk show eating a Twiglet
Not the most profound lyric, I’ll admit.
Parry Gripp - Bieber Eating A Twiglet
Third choice is a genuinely belting song, by Thomas Dolby, the Blinded Him With Science bloke, but this track I would file under Americana:
Tank up on Dr. Pepper
Twiglets and Jaffa Cakes
Long trail of sweet wrappers
Swirling in our wake
I found one more track, by the Amateur Transplants called Swearytale of New York, which you can find on Spotify, but for some reason I could not play it. It’s probably a twee load of old bobbins anyway. Unlike that Thomas Dolby track.
And I like Marmite now as well as Twiglets, although they don’t sell it in the supermarkets here.
Thanks, as ever, George, for giving me another day off. And look... I found that Amateur Transplants track for you. It's anything but twee... there's a clue in the title.
This week, I'm handing over the responsibility of Product Placement Friday to George... thanks for giving me a day off, old pal.
Since my return from the freezing cold of Dundee, I have spent many hours sitting in the sun here at the farm, gazing at the Serra and trying to come up with an idea for this series.
First attempt: Hula Hoops, but a hula hoop seems to be that plastic thing that some people shake about their hips, and even to me a song referring to jumping through a hula hoop of fire simply can not refer to the potato-ish product I was thinking of.
Second attempt: Angel Delight, but this led to songs that I’m quite sure had nothing to do with that peculiar powdered desert (one that we were never allowed to have as children despite “everyone else in my class has it for their pudding”) and also included band names, song titles and lyrics that were eye-wateringly crude.
One more go. Result! So here it is, songs that mention Fray Bentos (that was never allowed in our house thankfully, a steak pie in a tin, or was it steak and kidney, that’s just disgusting).
What better way to start than with Ian Anderson (he of Jethro Tull), from the belated follow-up to the Thick As A Brick album:
Smooth clockwork running motors hum while barren Madge prepares hot dinner
Next up is Scott Lavene, this might appeal to more people than my first choice (although the estuary-London accent might be a turn-off). It’s an 8 minute listen but very enjoyable
So on this day, he brought around two bottles of gin,
Four bottles of wine, some Fray Bentos Pies
Six tins of cheap Irish stew, a packet of Ginger Nuts, and a loaf of shit bread
The Macc Lads have a song that mentions Fray Bentos. I have not knowingly heard anything by this lot, and after looking at the lyrics I decided to omit the song, I don’t know if it’s tongue-in-cheek satire or just offensive. Anyway, I didn’t like it.
Unlike the next and last one, by Goldie Lookin Chain.
And these lyrics are not for the faint-hearted, but I thought this was hilarious
'Til someone said 'oi wanker, what you doing?'
Threw me out, I raised an objection
With corned beef still stuck to my erection
So what, fuck 'em, I don't give a toss
I'm going home with a Fray Bentos
Thanks again to George for saving me some time this week... although that didn't stop me from having a look to see if I could find anything he'd missed. Here are The Wheezing Dogs from late 70s Canada. Their lead singer was called... Fray Bentos.
Fortunately, George is back with more I Can't Songs.
Take it away, George...
There’s a LOT of “I Can’t” songs. A lot. You’ve already had ten, some good, some great and two brilliant ones, so here’s ten more, some good, some great, and two of which are simply brilliant, or toptastic if you prefer.
If you want slick 70s (or was it 80s?) pop you’ve come to the wrong place. Well, today you have. So no Hall & Oates, a perfectly decent and well-made pop song, but it’s not Top Ten material. Or Top Twenty, as I’m doing two of these. Nope, instead, you’re getting what is undoubtedly going to be the best song you hear all day, because this is beyond brilliant...
One of those powerful songs that makes you stop whatever you’re doing and just listen. (Not one to play in the car, then). Every time I hear it I can’t do anything but put my listening ears on. From an album you absolutely must have in your collection, Live at Carnegie Hall.
That’s Walter, our pigeon, rescued at the bottom of the farm. He has a wounded wing that will never heal properly; instead of releasing him to be eaten by Billy, we are keeping him. A coop is currently under construction for him. Walter, not Billy. And Walter the pigeon is actually a dove.
That song is not to be confused with the Steve Winwood song, the latter is not an “I can’t” song but a “Can’t” so The Swans will not be in this list. But Otis is!
Another Walter song, that one. "I can’t turn you loose……. because either Shaggy or Billy, or both, will kill you and eat you” as Otis never sang, but it does scan.
A Top Ten without a country song? Is that possible? Of course not.
It would of course be perverse not to include that Ray Charles song, but it is what I am doing, I’ve never liked it or indeed the vast majority of anything I’ve heard by him. And it would certainly be thrawn in the extreme not to include maybe the best known I Can’t song, the one with that uses brackets...
They’re Italian. Unlike Yvonne Elliman. We (Jo and I, not Yvonne and I) were watching something on tv and “Everything’s alright” was featured. I knew most of the lyrics, knew when Judas’ part was coming, knew when Ted Neeley sang. So I’m going to shoehorn this in...
It’s the way the music gets going at 20 seconds in, that signature WIllie Mitchell “Hii Rhythm Section” sound and arrangement, that slow-almost-lethargic music, it’s a perfect soul song.
And please note that Stink, via The Police, is excluded on taste and because it’s “Can’t Stand Losing”. Bad Company, though, are ineligible only because, again, it’s not an “I can’t” song. You could of course argue that Yvonne Elliman should also be excluded, to which I say “Do your own Top Ten”.
Thank you, again, to Rol, for posting this piece. I hope I don’t lose you too many readers.
No, thank you, George. And don't worry: I can't lose what I don't have.
I closed with the original version of George's opening tune. Though I was tempted to go with the Hall & Oates.
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