Self-Help For Cynics #41: Life Or Death

I wanted to get back into this series, because there's still much to investigate... and if I don't have the excuse of writing the posts, I'm less likely to do the reading. I'm not going to even attempt to do it weekly anymore, but Cynical Self-Help will continue on an ad hoc basis. 

Before the break, I'd just begun to scrape the surface of anger: what it is, why we get it, and what to do about it. So let's jump straight back into that...

Dean Martin - Ain't That A Kick In The Head

Back when I worked in radio, I was attacked in the street. I've written about it previously: it was a violent incident that could have been much worse, but somehow I managed to talk my way out of it. 

E - I've Been Kicked Around

While I was lying there on the floor, about to have my head kicked in, I did not feel any anger. Fear, yes. But also a kind of calm resolve that helped me get through the situation in one piece. Other people might have got angry - they'd be completely justified - and tried to fight back. But as angry as I might get, I'm not a violent person, and I'm not sure I could meet violence with violence, even to protect myself.

The Barracudas - We're Living in Violent Times

'What is he wittering on about?', you may well ask. Well, the reason I bring this up today is because of LIFEMORTS. According to angry scientist David Banner R. Douglas Fields, writer of Why We Snap: Understanding The Rage Circuits In Your Brain, there are nine potential triggers which cause outbursts of uncontrollable anger. And because scientists love acronyms, the good doctor has created a clever one to help us remember each of these triggers. 

Elvis Costello - Little Triggers

LIFEMORTS stands for... deep breath... 

Life or death

Insult

Family

Environment

Mate

Order In Society

Resources

Tribe

Stopped

Plus, it's clever because mort is French for dead, so the acronym tells us anger is related to... erm... being alive or dead? Well, in a way, that's true, since anger is the brain's way of signalling to us that we need to take action to protect ourselves from a threat. And the first of these threats, according to LIFEMORTS, is clearly the most imperative: a life or death situation. 

The Surfing Brides - A Matter Of Life And Death

Over the next nine posts, I'm going to look at each of these triggers individually, but I have to admit I struggled a bit with the first one. Have I never been in a Life or Death situation? Well, thankfully not in any kind of Hollywood action movie way we might think of. The closest I could come was the scene described above, but then... as I said... I didn't react with anger anyway. I got the signals - thanks, brain, but I think I could have worked that one out for myself - but anger would not have resolved that situation, so a calmer response prevailed.

Stevie Wonder - Be Cool, Be Calm (And Keep Yourself Together)

But wait! Dr. Fields says...

Almost anyone will defend themselves in what is perceived as a life-or-death attack.

And he's not alone, because in her book Unfuck Your Anger, sweary Dr. Faith adds...

The brain's wiring is designed to say, "Hey, you are prolly gonna die right here, so kicking ass is probably your only way out. And even if you can't, you at least won't go down without a fight."

The Teardrop Explodes - ...And The Fighting Takes Over

Of course, fighting isn't the only option to the amygdala's anger / fear signal (and let's face it, in a situation like this, anger and fear are pretty much the same thing). Everybody knows about Fight or Flight responses, but there are two other ways we can react to those signals, as Web MD explains...

The Fight response is your body’s way of facing any perceived threat aggressively. Flight means your body urges you to run from danger. Freeze is your body’s inability to move or act against a threat. Fawn is your body’s stress response to try to please someone to avoid conflict. 

The Levellers - Fight Or Flight

When I reflect on that attack, fawn is probably the response I chose. I tried to be calm and appeal to my assailant's better nature and probably pleaded a little bit... and it got me out of there. I'm not sure trying to fight back would have led to the same resolution, even if I was Jack Reacher.

Billy Nomates - Fawner

I consider myself lucky to have reached the grand old age of 53 without ever being in a life or death situation where kicking ass was the only available response to my brain's warning signals. I wonder if anyone reading this has ever had to fight their way out of a life or death situation? You might not want to talk about it if you have. But in terms of the brain's anger triggers, I'm pretty much dismissing the first one as a non-starter. Because as Martin Luther King said...

Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.

Or, as I might have said...

If I try and fight back, I'm just gonna get hurt even more. There has to be another solution!

Self-Help For Cynics #29: Absence Anxiety

Fountains Of Wayne - Sick Day

In the week before Easter, I was off work for three days with a bad cold. I'd been fighting through the cold over a week by the time I finally gave in and called in sick, but I just didn't seem able to shake it and I was feeling worse, rather than better, every day. 

Billy Nomates - Call In Sick

I still felt guilty calling in sick though. I don't like being absent from work, especially with a bloody cold! I've never thrown a sickie in my life... I just can't handle the stress. Everyone seemed fine about my absence, but that didn't stop my paranoia taking hold. The nice lady I called from HR said she hoped I'd be better for the Easter holiday, and even though I knew she wasn't having a dig... part of me wondered if she was. 

Emily Breeze - Call In Sick Today

It doesn't help that in my previous job at The Bad Place, we were put under pressure not to ever be ill, since there was never any staff free to cover our classes and management hated paying for agency cover. I recall one year I was off sick on my birthday, and my boss made a point of sending me a Happy Birthday! text. I was convinced it contained an inference that I was only taking the day off to celebrate... and how the hell did she even know it was my birthday? I never told her! As a course leader, I was also put under pressure to call or message anyone who was absent on my team and ask them when they thought they'd be back. Will you be in tomorrow? I refused to do it, because I felt it crossed a line, but I know other people who followed that practice.

The Soft Close-Ups - Some Sick Day

I also knew that if I was off sick, it would put extra pressure on the other teachers in my team who were already over-worked and up against it. Many of my colleagues felt the same... and the ones who didn't, I was almost conditioned to believe they were swinging the lead. I guess in that, I was just as guilty of perpetuating the guilt cycle as my employers were. This was the culture that was bred into us in The Bad Place. 

The Wallflowers - If You Never Got Sick

My current employers are much more understanding when it comes to sick leave, and because I know my colleagues are less over-worked, I don't feel like I'm imposing on them too much if I take time off. And yet... I still feel the guilt.

Warren Zevon - Don't Let Us Get Sick

A report on patient.info asks "Why do we feel anxious about calling in sick when we are genuinely unwell?" Human behaviour expert Claire Brummell suggests...

The feeling of guilt we experience in these situations is because we are conditioned as a society to view doing anything to prioritise our own well-being as selfish.

This means that, even when we are physically in need of prioritising ourselves and our healing because we are genuinely ill, we still respond in a way that suggests we are doing something wrong.

Not only is it not selfish to call in sick, it is Selfirst - the practice of meeting your own needs as a priority, in ways that do not do harm to others, and sometimes can benefit them. It is actually taking care of the needs of others as well.

Jake Thackray - I Stayed off Work Today

I get all that, and it's good to hear that I'm not the only one who has these feelings. But I'm not sure it's enough to stop me feeling them. Maybe after a few more years in this more supportive work environment, some of the mental scars from The Bad Place will start to fade. Until then, I just need to remember Chip Taylor's rather extreme solution...

Positive Songs For Negative Times #80: Leadership Campaign

Oh dear. 

It appears we need a new Prime Minister. 

Again. 

They're just not built to last these days, are they? 

Well, as we appear to have exhausted every possible candidates in the government, I thought I'd suggest a few of my own... 

5. Joe Talbot

Lead singer of Idles, one of the most political bands on the British music scene at the moment.

Policies: Celebrating immigration (particularly Danny Nedelko); Singing at fascists until his head comes off (I'm Scum). 

Campaign slogan: "The best way to scare a Tory is to read and get rich."

Idles - Mother

4. Nigel Blackwell

(Half-) Man of the people. Cares about the things that really matter.

Policies: Making National Shite Day an official Bank Holiday; Not allowing anyone to Organise our Bat-Walks; Leaving Kelvin MacKenzie In A Suffolk Ditch, “in a second hand hessian sack”

Campaign Slogan: “No One Cares About Your Creative Hub So Get Your Fucking Hedge Cut”

Half Man Half Biscuit - L'Enfer C'est Les Autres

3. Billy Nomates

If she’s got no mates, there’s no one to stab her in the back.

Policies: Calling In Sick; Helping the Forgotten Normal People; Saying “No!”

Campaign Slogan: “Anyone can do it, but they don’t do shit.”

Billy Nomates - Modern Art

2. Gil Scott Heron

Yes, he’s been dead for a decade, but I still think he’s a more promising candidate than 95% of the House of Commons.

Policies: Not Televising the Revolution; Taking Care of You

Campaign Slogan: “Mandate, my ass!”

Gil Scott Heron - B-Movie

1. Billy Bragg

Nigh on 40 years of mixing pop and politics… who better for the top job?

Policies: Making sure There Is Power In A Union; Taking DownThe Union Jack; Waiting For The Great Leap Forwards

Campaign Slogan: “Is there more to a seat in parliament than sitting on your arse?”

Hopefully one of these guys will be in Number Ten by next week...

Grumpy Young Women: Billy Nomates

As someone who has been dubbed, and even self-applied, the moniker "Billy Nomates" at various times in his life, I was immediately interested to hear that a new punk-pop star had taken that name. Interested enough to give her debut album a try...

Imagine a Bristolian Patti Smith with a David Coverdale mullet and an old Dan Le Sac Vs. Scroobius Pip cassette in her glove box, and you're halfway to imagining Billy Nomates. She shouts (because "sings" doesn't really cut it) lyrics full of breadline chic for the disenfranchised of today... and though I can't really class myself in that category, I still enjoy the grubby window into her world. 

I could have used the following song in my previous job... the closest thing you'll hear to Chip Taylor's Phoned In Dead this side of the JobCentre Plus. (And no, I'm not putting down anyone forced to frequent that particular establishment: I did my time there ten years ago, for my sins.)

One thing's for certain, Debbie: I'm not going in if Andy's working Friday.