Usually it's Ben who informs me of the latest candidates for this feature, but yesterday morning it was Sam who announced that Kevin Keegan was no longer with us.
When I was growing up, I paid very little attention to sport, so I knew very few sporting celebrities. Ian Botham. Steve Davis. John McEnroe, obviously. But as football was the sport I liked the least (let's be honest: I actively hated it), my knowledge of footballers was worst of all. I went out of my way to not know who they were.
All that said, I knew Kevin Keegan. And not because of this...
I figured there wouldn't be a shortage of songs that mentioned the world-famous, Bradford-born artist... and I wasn't wrong. There's even a song that beat Sting to the punch...
And while I couldn't find any songs with Parlophone in the title, I then remembered this...
Just when the Beta Band was about to start It all started in London town When we gave our demo to Phil Brown Then we met Miles at Parlophone And let him hear "Dog's Got a Bone" He said go to Chalk Farm and put it on wax The next few weeks was spent cutting four tracks
This post was inspired by a new song from Stephen Wilson
Jr., an Americana artist I’ve only recently discovered. He’s worthy of further
investigation if this sort of thing is your bag.
Anyway, the chorus informs us, “There ain't a
lot of boys named Gary these days”, a reminder of how birth names fall in and
out of fashion. (Amusingly, they’ve got the actor Gary Sinise to star in the
video… although it doesn’t end well for him.) This got me thinking about
the names of the kids Sam goes to school with… versus the ones I went to school
with.
I have a nephew called Gary. He’s about ten or twelve years
younger than me. But there are no Garys in Sam’s school. Neither is there a
Neil or a Sean, the names of my other nephews.
I started to think about the most common names of kids I
grew up with.
Sam doesn’t know any Richards. No Ricks or Rickys either.
And while he probably knows a few dicks… there are definitely no Dicks.
The weird thing is, I didn’t go to school with a single one
of those. In fact, if you’d asked me when I was a kid, I would have told you
they were all old men names. Harry Bamforth was an old farmer who lived across
the fields from us. So was Arthur Lockwood. And Frank Shaw. Albert Tatlock and
Alf Roberts were old blokes on Coronation Street. Eli and Isaac were names I
only read about in Old Testament RE lessons.
I wonder if, in another 20 years’ time, the classrooms will be full of Garys, Darrens and Daves again? There probably won't be many Donalds... but I could be wrong.
A final word today from Nigel (no Nigels in Sam's school either)...
A woman who described herself as "a little bit 'Bridget', A little bit 'Ally', a little bit 'Sex and the City'" And chose to call her baby boy Fred As a childishly rebellious attempt at a clever reaction To those who might have expected her to call him Julian or Rupert Bit of advice, call him Rupert, it fits, and besides it's a good name Don't be calling him Fred or Archie With all its cheeky but lovable working class scamp connotations Unless you really do have plans for him To spend his life in William Hills waiting For them to weigh in at Newton Abbot
In case you're wondering - yes, there will be a follow-up to this post about girl's names.
Today is National Weather Person’s Day, primarily in the USA
where it marks the birthday of John Jeffries, thought to be America's first
weatherman. He was also the first person to ever collect weather data
from a balloon over London in 1784, rising to a height of 9000 feet with a
thermometer, a barometer, and a hygrometer to see if it was raining. Presumably
he also took an umbrella.
Here are some predictable tunes about Weather People to
celebrate…
I feel like I spend more time in these countdowns justifying my choices than actually talking about the records themselves. And here we are again...
1. Half Man Half Biscuit - All Asimov and No Fresh Air
I mean, what does it say about me that my favourite record of the year is one that starts like this...?
Horror Clowns are dickheads
You know it’s true
And if you’ve got a phobia of them
You’re a dickhead too
Chainsaw-wielding evil freaks who chase you through the station
Or just some boring no-accounts with poor imagination
I spent a lot of time justifying the fact that I chose their last album, The Voltarol Years, as my favourite album of 2022 because there was a newfound maturity and sensitivity to Nigel Blackwell's songwriting that lifted the band one step beyond the "comedy post-punk" label they've been saddled with their whole career. And they they come back with this...
Mother Mary, meek and mild, got lost at Farmaggedon
Toe-to-toe with Pennywise she kicked his fuzzy head in
But the thing with HMHB is, even when they're going for the straightforward gags, there's a subtlety to Blackwell's wordplay that lifts their lyrics into pure poetry. Brian Bilston would do well to study the Blackwell canon, because although Brian's record was an immediate hit that soon paled... All Asimov & No Fresh Air is an album I initially thought was going to be a bit disappointing (high expectations again), but its appeal just kept growing.
Whenever I hear a news report of an avalanche involving British skiers
I listen in with interest in the hope that I might catch the name Ben Shephard
Layers, see. Like an onion. Not everything is obvious. The more you listen, the more it unveils new treats. Like the closing classic, Possible Side Effects, which starts with a typical HMHB celebrity assassination...
...I mean, come on - that was perfectly timed this year, wasn't it? But this song just gets better and better...
If I were a carpenter
I’d doubtless have a hammer
And I’d hammer in the morning
On the door of Alan Sugar
Alright mate, I’m just working on the property opposite, and I noticed you have a couple of slates that – oh, it’s you! Any road, I’ve got some tiles in the van if you want me to get up there. I’ve got a load of kiln-dried logs too if you’re interested. I’m thinking of sponsoring a gorilla at Bristol Zoo, what d’ya reckon? Do you need any face-cloths?
That's a comedy writing masterclass right there... but there's much more to it than that...
...because then it morphs into a love song, using the 1964 TV adaptation of Robinson Crusoe as a metaphor for heartbreak. I've never seen it, but I still appreciate the reference.
I still love you, Lucy Anne
And I’m not a rock
Nor am I an island
Try to picture, if you can
Robert Hoffmann
Scanning the horizon
Genius is a term oft-overused, etc. etc. etc...
That's the thing about Blackwell though - he's got so many ideas, he's not content to limit them to one per tune. Take Rawlplugs Of Yesteryear (Breaking The States), a song that is quite literally about the history of rawlplugs...
In the 1960s the jute fibre was replaced by a thermoplastic device
An improvement, doubtless, though nowhere near as romantic
...but also about a band desperately trying to write themselves a hit that will make their name in the US...
Breakin’ the USA
Breakin’ the USA
You’ve gotta press the flesh and tour the country wide
Breakin’ the USA
Breakin’ the USA
You’ve gotta get those college radio jocks onside
Jocks onside
The two ideas really shouldn't co-exist in the same ditty... yet Nigel makes their synergy seem effortless.
And when he does stick to just one idea, the results can be very special indeed. Like pitching the best ITV detective show ever over a frantic Legend Of Xanadu backing track...
Now McCalliog is a poultryman who walks many a mile
And he also does some admin work for Devon CID
But admin work is wasted on a man who has the gift
Nail crooks in minutes with
McCalliog and His Hens
I could easily write about every song on this album, from the one that starts like this...
I don't know what it says about me that no other record as given me as much pleasure as this one in 2025. Perhaps I shouldn't care. I can't even pick a favourite track, but if you put a gun to my head, I'd probably choose the tale of the bloke who was made redundant and bought himself a ventriloquist's dummy that looked a bit like Pete Murphy. It even inspired me to write a comic strip, and I don't do much of that sort of thing anymore.
Happy New Year. I hope it's a better one than 2025, but as there'll be no new Half Man Half Biscuit album to console us, it's already looking like an uphill battle.
Of course, this got me thinking of my own childhood, of Saturday afternoons watching Big Daddy, Giant Haystacks, Mick McManus, Mark “Rollerball” Rocco and Kendo Nagasaki on TV... easy! Easy! Easy! EASY!!!
I mentioned these to my Mum, who added one perfect detail I'd never heard before. "Me and your dad went to watch the wrestling when we were on our honeymoon in Skegness." So a love of wrestling has been in our family from the early 1950s... through the 80s... and into the present day. A glorious tag team through time.
Martin has written quite a bit about the horrors of AI recently, and I'm with him a hundred per cent. It's frightening that pop music of the next couple of decades looks like it'll be dominated by robot singers performing robot songs... until the Human Uprising of 2051, at least.
JC has also experimented with AI - and been unfairly lambasted for it, although I will admit to being one of the lambasters.
I was made aware of an amusing AI-related piece of nonsense recently though. Apparently, if you're still listing CDs for sale on eBay (and why you'd do that, since eBay started adding 85p onto the sale price of every CD for "Buyer Insurance", is anybody's guess), and you can't be bothered writing a description (or stealing one from discogs), you can let the eBay AI do it for you. With hilarious results. Here's a few I tried...
The Jam - All Mod Cons
The product is a CD featuring a compilation of Mod music with all the modern conveniences. This collection of songs embodies the style and energy of the Mod movement, providing listeners with a nostalgic trip back to the heyday of this influential music genre. perfect for fans of Mod music looking to enjoy the classic sounds in a convenient and high-quality format.
The "George Best Wedding Present" is a unique and thoughtful gift for a wedding occasion, presented in the form of a CD. This gift is likely to contain music that holds sentimental value to the couple, making it a special addition to their wedding day. The CD format makes it a convenient and versatile present that can be enjoyed by the couple at any time, serving as a lasting reminder of the special day.
The product is a CD by Belle & Sebastian titled "Boy with the Arab Strap." The album features a mix of indie pop and alternative rock music, with lyrics written in English and Arabic. The unique blending of languages and musical styles reflects the band's distinctive sound and cultural influences. Fans of indie music and those interested in exploring music that incorporates different languages will enjoy this album.
Yes, I was disappointed that the AI didn't know what an Arab Strap is.
The product is a CD titled "Half Man Half Biscuit – Achtung Bono." This music CD features a mix of songs from the Irish rock band U2, reimagined as if performed by a half-man, half-biscuit hybrid character. The unique and playful concept of this CD is likely to appeal to fans of U2 and those who enjoy experimental or humorous music. With a CD format, listeners can enjoy the unconventional and entertaining sound that this album has to offer.
But I saved this for last because I'd never seen the video before. DAVID THEWLIS! Top work, lads.
Yard Act - Where's My Utopia
The "Yard Act: Where's My Utopia" CD by the artist Utopia, released under the record label Act, offers a musical journey exploring themes of idealism and reality. With a unique blend of melodies and lyrics, this album challenges listeners to question their perceptions of a perfect world. Dive into the imaginative realm crafted by Utopia and discover a sound that is both captivating and thought-provoking.
Todd Rundgren fans might be a little confused if they buy this CD...
I thought about turning this into a series and getting the eBay AI to describe all my favourite records... then I thought again. I don't want to give the AI any more work.
The obvious one - a law banning Audi drivers. Or should I just ban Audis? No, no, guns don't kill people: people kill people. It's the people who want to own an Audi and drive it like a scumbag because they think they're better than everyone else... they're the real threat to society.
And there definitely ought to be a law against people who drive vehicles that break the sound barrier. You with your twin exhausts or your motorbike engines that sound like an angry road drill when you rev them up. At 11 o'clock at night. When decent folk are trying to sleep.
How about a law forbidding you from having a nice long chat with your mates in the supermarket while blocking the aisle and preventing access to the frozen peas?
Or a law that forces bartenders to serve people in the actual order they got to the bar, not just the pushy / attractive ones first? (And I say this as someone who doesn't drink and therefore goes up to a bar about twice a year. This law is more for your benefit that mine.)
Better yet, a law that creates two separate queues in coffee shops. A slow queue for anyone ordering a mocha-choca-spocka-latte with whipped cream and sprinkles or any drink that involves crushed ice. And a fast track queue for people who just want coffee. Black coffee. We're not even pfaffing about with frothy steamed milk. We just want our drink. Fast.
A brief word in honour of Mike Peters from The Alarm, who lost his battle against cancer earlier this week. Peters was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma 30 years ago and he's been campaigning for cancer charities ever since, to the point that he was awarded an MBE in 2019 for his work in that area.
I reckon he deserved one for his services to music too...
Some great rockers there, but my absolute favourite Alarm song is the one where the brought the Morriston Orpheus choir in for a tribute to Welsh mining communities. Released as a double A side with The Rock, it only made #31 in the UK charts.. It should have been Number One.
In 2004, long after The Alarm's heyday, Peters snuck back into the UK Top 40, disguising his band for this little gem...
At this point in the proceedings of Celebrity Jukebox, I usually check to see if anyone else has mentioned our late star in one of their songs. I didn't expect to find any name-checks for Mike Peters... but I should have known Nigel Blackwell would save the day. It's perhaps a little bit snarky (though more towards Runrig - the Peters mention is perhaps because The Alarm were known for being a reliable support act to the biggest bands of the 80s and 90s), but personally I can think of no higher tribute than a mention in a Half Man Half Biscuit songs, whatever the reason...
Runrig with special guest Mike Peters
Red and white, black and white, blue and white bandanas
And here's another pair of posh English lads with an interest in the game...
Remember when you were more easily led Behind the cricket pavilion and the bicycle shed Trembling as your dreams came true You looked right into those blue eyes and knew...
Another Neil, Mr. Hannon of The Divine Comedy joined with Thomas Walsh of Pugwash to pool their musical expertise and love of cricket as The Duckworth Lewis Method. In case you're wondering, they're named after "a mathematical formulation designed to calculate the target score (number of runs needed to win) for the team batting second in a limited overs cricket match interrupted by weather or other circumstances".
I had a clue all set to go for these guys, involving Jack & Vera meeting an Oxford detective... until I realised that if anyone identified them, it'd give the game away immediately.
I'm not sure Tom Petty would have known one end of a cricket bat from the other, but he did write a great song about a batsman sent in at the end of the day...
We're back to flipping through Bertie The Dog's record collection. He only buys discs by people with Bert in their name...
My father is a doctor, he's a family man
My mother works for charity whenever she can
And they're both good clean Americans who abide by the law
And they both stick up for liberty and they both support the war
My happiness was paid for when they laid their money down
For summers in a summer camp and winters in the town
My future in the system was talked about and planned
But I gave it up for music and The Free Electric Band
Despite the lyrics of his only UK hit, Albert Hammond was born in London in 1944, shortly after his parents had been evacuated from Gibraltar.
Albert began his musical career aged just 16 with Gibraltarian band The Diamond Boys, but his first chart success came 6 years later, in 1966, with a Top Ten hit as part of...
He went on to enjoy a successful career as a solo musician, but I'm guessing he made most of his money as a songwriter. He's the writer or co-writer of a surprising range of hits from across the decades...
Quite a list. A great songwriter... though I'd argue he's not much cop as a weather man...
This Bertie's got an OBE, an Emmy, an Ivor Novello award and he's been inducted into the Songwriter's Hall of Fame. Though surely his greatest claim to fame is being mentioned in a Half Man Half Biscuit song...
Dragging my guitar round maternity ward
I was in search of the umbilical chord
But it was all in vain so I jumped on a train
And when I reached my home the kids were on the patio
Looking quite upset, so I asked them what was wrong
And they said: “Beware, there’s an Albert Hammond bootleg in the house in there
An Albert Hammond bootleg in the house
Some man who introduced himself as Stanley Rous came in
And left this Albert Hammond bootleg in the house”
No clues as to next week's Bertie. Those of you who are paying attention should be able to guess him.
George is back on the beat - and he's been wrestling with swans. Careful, George - they can break a grown man's arm... as Nigel Blackwell likes to remind us.
There’s a plethora of bands named after birds, not all of them as atrocious as The Eagles. And unfortunately there is no band calling themselves The Atrocious Eagles. Searching through the database of my music collection reveals that swans feature many times: in a must-have Sufjan Stevens album, a soul singer, gospel groups, there’s an Americana band, a chappie who never was a security guard at Graceland, and a sonorous-industrial bunch of Americans. But the rules only allow groups called The Swans (although of late Rol seems to be stretching the rules to breaking point with some of his dodgy choices*). So today, I give you a whiteness of Swans.
(*What are rules if not to be broken, George?)
THE SWANS #1
First, here are Philadelphian sisters Jeanne and Tina Thomas...
Here’s the Mandatory Band-With-The-Same-Name Reggae track (this from 1972). It made me think of the Victor comic character, Killer Kennedy RN (and then of a boy in my year at school, Steven Kennedy, who of course had the nickname Killer).
Our next wedge of swans are two nice young men, Brendan Wade and Paul Bell, once known as The Wild Swans, but released this soporific ballad as The Swans...
Next up, a light-hearted pop tune, available free at bandcamp.
(I'm pulling a “Rol” here, 'cisne' being Portuguese for swan, although the song title is in Spanish, and unsurprisingly cisne is also the Spanish word for swan.)
Not to be confused with a song by James Brown. I’ve just realised that it’s geese that honk, I think swans are more hissers. Some research needed, and here you are...
I did find another video of a swan, here and here (that last one has some hissing).
SWANS #10
The last group are the industrial-doom-noise-merchants from New York who released a remarkably accessible album in 1989, The Burning World, and a fantastic cover version of Love Will Tear Us Apart (better than the original), and then reverted to type with their usual output that is Not For The Faint-hearted. This is from that 1989 album...
Saving the best ´til last. But what is your favourite, dear reader?
Before you make up your minds, here's one more (George-has-used-up-all-the-decent-collective-nouns) of swans, described as a "function band" from Hertfordshire. I doubt they're on discogs, but they obviously have good internet presence, because I kept finding pictures of them while looking for pictures of the bands George dealt with...
