Louise has made us sign up to Paramount+ so that we can watch Yellowstone. I've got a lot of time for Kevin Costner, but this show is basically Dallas with more random plotting, and Costner is hardly Larry Hagman. Actually, he's more of a Jock. His daughter Beth is probably the closest we get to J.R. It's moderately interesting, but there has to be a big unexpected drama in every episode that's completely unrelated to the main plot. I'm not sure I can handle 5 seasons of it, though I'm a little more intrigued by the prequels, one starring Harrison Ford & Helen Mirren, the other featuring the great Sam Elliott.
The reason I mention this is because it's inspired my new Friday feature. Every episode flashes up a parental warning at the start, informing us that the show will likely contain: Sex & Nudity; Violence & Gore; Profanity; Alcohol, Drugs & Smoking; and Product Placement. I kind of like that they've started warning us about that, since it's the only one on the list above which really bothers me. (To be honest, you get very little of any of them.)
Anyway, a series of songs featuring blatant product placement will follow. Starting with the greatest product placement song ever, naturally.
The humble Mars Bar was created by Forrest Mars Sr, son of American candyman Frank C. Mars. I know you think I'm making this up, but I'm not. Honest.
I used to like the occasional Mars Bar, but nowadays I find them too sweet and don't like the way they stick to your teeth. Mick Jagger was a big fan though, as gets referenced in a number of rap songs I won't include as I don't want to bring the tone down.
Here's a few lyrical mentions to whet your appetite for the main event, starting with a band that were very big down under...
Well, I'm back in the land of second chances
And rock'n'roll shows where nobody dances
Back in the land of chicken and chips
Mars bars and roadside tips
Here's Sia. (I think that rhymes.) She wants to warn us against buying chocolate bars from other companies...
He brushes thoroughly
He knows she likes fresh breath
He rushes to the station
He waits atop the steps
He's brought with him a Mars Bar
She will not buy Nestle
And later he'll perform
A love-lorn serenade, a trade
Meanwhile, I'll take any excuse to play this one...
I once ate six Mars Bars in half an hour
Slightly less full of themselves...
And I've got a Mars Bar that says
That you're never going to write a song as good as the one that's on the internet
And here's an ode to the place where Mars Bars are made, John Betjeman's favourite town...
Well it's grim up north
But it's grimmer than that in Slough
I'll sing you a song
If you drop a bomb on Slough
Driving about in your car.
Making another box of Mars Bars
In Slough, Slough.
Finally, a smattering of titular mentions, starting with one for all my Scottish pals...
Now, before we get to the one you've all been waiting for, a little trivia.
Gerry & The Pacemakers were originally called "Gerry Marsden and the Mars Bars"... until a certain chocolate manufacturer objected.
I'm surprised Mars Incorporated didn't get onto Feargal and his mates. On the other hand, why did Mars never pay them to use this in all their advertising?
There's glucose for energy
Caramel for strength
The chocolate's only there
To keep it the right length!
To anybody out there who still eats Twix
Anybody on packets of Buttons
I gave them up when I was six
I hope your teeth are rotten!
Work, rest and play
Time to raid the Spar...
