The Best Medicine #2: More A$$holes

In the spirit of getting other people to write my posts for me, here’s C to help us ponder why we don’t / can’t laugh the way we did when we were young…

I'm not much of a laugh-out-loud type of person! - but oh I miss those helpless giggles that make your eyes water and your stomach ache and definitely seem to have disappeared with age - though very occasionally they do appear and when they do it feels so SO good. It's always the odd things that do that, abstract things somehow that tickle me, so humour in songs can fall a bit short and I do think it's a bit of an acquired taste. Having said that, your post straight away reminded me of one humour song that I've liked since first hearing it - sure you know it... From 1993 but (of course) still very much relevant today…

Ah yes, I had that one on CD single, C. I was a big fan of Dennis Leary back when he used to do those short, angry MTV videos. It was a more mainstream version of what Bill Hicks was doing, and it appealed to my Angry Young Man phase back in the early 90s.

Drive-By Truckers - Assholes

I decided to do a bit of research into why I can’t laugh at things like I used to, and I found an article in The New York Post that says we start to lose our sense of humour at age 23! So I reckon it’s long gone for most of us now.

Childhood is often carefree. Adulthood often isn’t. The average 4-year-old, the authors write, laughs as many as 300 times a day. The average 40-year-old will take two and a half months to log that many chuckles. 

Apparently having a job is one of the main reasons we stop laughing so much. That, and all the added responsibilities of adulthood – mortgage, bills, children et al.

August and The Spur of the Moment Band - The I-95 Asshole Song

The good news is, if we live long enough (and live far enough into our retirement years to overcome the trauma of adulthood), this chart suggests our ability to laugh will return…

I dunno… I look at my Mum. She doesn’t have a lot to laugh about these days. Confined to the house, eyesight almost gone, scared to leave her chair in case she has another fall, carers coming in to get her up in the morning and put her to bed at night… as she approaches 100, I’m not sure she’s laughing the way she did when she was 25. That said, my Mum’s always had a good sense of humour, and the fact that she still has it at 97, despite all she has to cope with… I think that’s amazing. I doubt I’ll be in such good spirits if I’m lucky enough to live that long.

Jim's Big Ego - Asshole

As the title of this series reminds us, laughter is great for our mental health. Can we get it back into our lives? The investigation continues…

Maybe there's also some mileage in wondering why we find offensive words so amusing. And pondering the difference between asshole and arsehole... is one funnier than the other? Or does it entirely depend on context?

My Top Ten Maths Songs (Volume 1: Basic Math/s)

The two essential subjects for all students at the college where I work are English and Maths. As an English teacher, I'm supposed to embed a little mathematics into all my lessons, so I thought I'd try embedding some into this blog. I'll work my way through the various branches of arithmetic (addition, subtraction, multiplication and division) over the next few weeks (though perhaps not all at once), but I thought I'd start with basic maths... or math, depending on which side of the Atlantic you do your sums on.

Special mentions to Maths & Physics Club, Mutemath, and all those weird Math Rock bands I find so very hard to get into.


10. Jimmy Buffett - Math Suks

Now, that's not a very good attitude to start off with, is it, Jimmy? Go to the bottom of the class!

(By the way, your spelling's not all that great, either.)

9. Half Man Half Biscuit - Mathematically Safe

Just about the closest Nigel Blackwell ever got to writing a straight-up love song.

8. The White Stripes - Black Math

Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh ah...

7. Brad Paisley - You Do the Math

Ah, I just love that happy guitar sound and those cheery (swap they r for an s if you're so minded) lyrics. Long may Brad strut his country stuff.

6. Los Campesinos! - Don't Tell Me To Do The Math(s)

Starts out sounding like Belle & Sebastian, then goes cheerfully mental, like all the best Los Campesinos! records. When Americans miss the s off the end of Maths, Aleksandra, Oliver, Tom, Harriet, Gareth, Neil and Ellen Campesinos! start overusing exclamation marks.

5. Jim's Big Ego - Math Prof. Rock Star

Carmine Infantino was a legendary comic book artist, most famous for an extended run on DC's The Flash back in the 70s and 80s. His nephew, Jim Infantino is the man behind the hugely entertaining alt-rock band Jim's Big Ego, perhaps most famous for their song The Ballad of Barry Allen, about Uncle Carmine's most famous superhero. This is another great song from them, reminiscent of the Fountains of Wayne with added REM guitar.

When he was young he never thought that he would be a
Math Prof Rock Star

And after hours outside of his office, there's a line waiting
Full of girls lining up to ask about their quadratic equations
She leans over the desk and twirls a pencil in her hair
Complains that the grade he gave her was way unfair
And all the professors they laugh about it and wish him well
But the guys in the class are just jealous as hell

Find out more about "the Greatest Band In The History of Recorded Music" here.

4. dEUS - Little Arithmetics

Quick geography test: how many bands can you name from Belgium?

Tougher than you think, and I could only think of one better than dEUS. Any guesses?*

3. Margaret Glaspy - Emotions & Math

Title track from the excellent 2016 debut record by this refreshing Californian singer-songwriter which I took a punt on via eMusic after hearing Cerys play it on 6Music. So far, the gamble is paying off... though the rest of the album isn't as radio-friendly as this one...

Counting all the days 'til you're back
Shivering in an ice cold bath
Of emotions and math
I've gotta get outta this tree
Off of this limb
I'm a woman acting like a kid
A skinny mess
That's breathless from telling you
All the things that I'm gonna do

Phew. I reckon I need an ice cold bath after that one...

2. Idlewild - Close The Door

Always good to hear some classic Idlewild again, and here they are at their best...it's time for the maths test!

1. Cherry Ghost - Mathematics

I saw Cherry Ghost play live around the time this track was big. This was by far their best track, reminding me of the New York romanticism of Dion... which was odd, because Simon Aldred's a gruff Manc. He's made some great music since, but Mathematics is still his finest moment.





*My answer was Soulwax.


But which one wins your maths test?

My Top Ten 'The Ballad of...' Songs

I was astounded by how many songs in my record collection are Ballads of... somebody or other. I reckon I could have stretched this to a Top 50 if I'd had the time. These were the best ballads of the bunch...



10. Georgie Fame - The Ballad Of Bonnie And Clyde

One day, I might get around to compiling a Top Ten Bonnie & Clyde Songs... amazingly, this 1967 Georgie Fame Number One might not make it to the top of that list.

9. Frank Turner - The Ballad of Me and My Friends

Friendship is a recurring theme in Frank Turner's work and he writes about it in a very open, honest and emotional way. It seems most of Frank's friends are tortured artists...

Everybody's got themselves a plan,
Everybody thinks they'll be the man, including the girls.
The musicians who lack the friends to form a band are singer-songwriters,
The rest of us are DJs or official club photographers.
And tonight I'm playing another Nambucca show,
So I'm going through my phonebook, texting everyone I know,
And I quite a few I don't, whose numbers found their way into my phone,
But they might come along anyway, you never really know.

However, while most of them might never reach their intended destination... they're definitely enjoying the journey.

We're going nowhere slowly, but we're seeing all the sights.
And we're definitely going to hell,
But we'll have all the best stories to tell.

8. The Mystery Jets - The Ballad of Emmerson Lonestar

From my favourite album of 2012... we must be about ready for a new Mystery Jets record now. Come on, lads, don't keep us waiting much longer.

7. Dr. Hook  - The Ballad Of Lucy Jordan

Or ...Lucy Jordon, as the record was originally released. This week's song about growing old... as I've said previously, I listen to a lot of those these days.

At the age of thirty-seven she realised she'd never
Ride through Paris in a sports car with the warm wind in her hair.
So she let the phone keep ringing and she sat there softly singing
Little nursery rhymes she'd memorised in her daddy's easy chair.

There's a splendid cover version by Marianne Faithfull, but I still prefer Dennis Locorriere's vocals on the original.

6. Bloodhound Gang - The Ballad of Chasey Lain

I'll let you google Chasey Lain if you're unfamiliar with her ouvre... but perhaps don't do that at work. 

Juvenile in the extreme, as all the best Bloodhound Gang records are. If you're easily offended or don't have the mind of a puerile 14 year old boy, skip along to the next song.

5. The Beatles - The Ballad of John and Yoko

One of the first John Lennon solo records, in all but name. George and Ringo were both absent from the session and although Macca filled in for them on bass, drums and piano, and shared the songwriting credit with John as always, he had little else to do with the song's creation.

Denied as much airplay as other Beatles records due to its references to Jesus and crucifixion (Lennon further developing his earlier "more popular than Jesus" comparison) it still made the top spot on the UK charts, although it did prove to be their final Number One, and marked the beginning of the end for the group.

4. XTC - The Ballad Of Peter Pumpkinhead

Andy Partridge's infamous JFK/Malcolm X/Jesus allegory about a man just too damned virtuous to survive in high office.

But he made too many enemies
Of the people who would keep us on our knees

3. Jim's Big Ego - The Ballad Of Barry Allen

One for the geek vote, this obscure American indie song is a tribute to the DC Comics hero The Flash (soon to star in his own TV show... I hope it's better than Arrow). Gets to the targic heart of the character in a way the comics long since stopped bothering.

2. Space & Cerys Matthews - The Ballad of Tom Jones

It's a credit to 1998 that a creepy, John Barry-esque tribute to the Welsh crooner, a bizarre anti-love song duet with a chorus like this...

You stopped us from killing each other
Tom Jones, Tom Jones
You'll never know but you saved our lives
Tom Jones, Tom Jones
I've never thrown my knickers at you
And I don't come from Wales

...could make number 4 in the charts. It's been years since I listened to this - blimey, I'd forgotten how good it was.

1. Todd Snider - The Ballad Of The Kingsmen

Todd Snider tells the true story of The Kingsmen, the 60s garage band responsible for the huge one hit wonder 'Louie Louie', a record that ended up being investigated by the FBI for its supposedly obscene (but really just plain unintelligible) lyrics. From there he goes on to wonder whether Marilyn Manson records were really responsible for the Columbine massacre... and why we keep blaming our failings as a society on dumb (yet ultimately harmless) pop songs. Brilliant stuff.





Those were my best ballads... but which one makes you go Aye-yi-yi-yi?