The esteemed SWC over at No Badger Required asked members of his Musical Jury to vote for our favourite tracks of the year, and I made a somewhat botched effort to offer mine last Friday. Botched because I chose two tracks rather than one (fail) including one that I knew would go down like a lead balloon with the NBR readership (fail) and another track which actually came out last year (fail). It's a privilege to be invited to vote in the various polls and countdowns SWC hosts on his blog, but I always end up feeling like a fraud when I do so. This is a regular problem for me as a member of the music blogosophere. Whenever I'm aware that my own opinions don't match up to those of the cognoscenti (i.e. most of the time), I end up feeling like Wayne and Garth meeting Alice Cooper...
Welcome to the world of Imposter Syndrome.
Another blogger who invites regular contributions from the 'sphere is our old pal John Medd. His Photo Challenge gets grander every month, and I'm always happy to send in an old snap or two... though I've never really worried about doing so. I don't consider myself a photographer, and I know very little about angles or composition or light sources, but if I can find a decent image that fits the brief: great. So I was rather surprised to read Khayem's comment this month...
I’ll confess to feelings of Imposter Syndrome - akin to Forest Green Rovers suddenly finding itself in the Premier League - but 2024 will undoubtedly inspire me to practice, practice, practice…
As with most of the other mental health issues I've written about in this series, there's a tendency to believe I'm the only one who experiences them... though the more I do this, the more I realise that's not the case. Healthline.com defines Imposter Syndrome thus...
Imposter syndrome, also called perceived fraudulence, involves feelings of self-doubt and personal incompetence that persist despite your education, experience, and accomplishments.
I wonder why I feel Imposter Syndrome when asked for a musical opinion... but not when asked to send in a photo? I guess music matters more to me... but it must also link to an issue I've discussed a couple of times recently: tribalism.
Still he done nobody wrong,
He knew he didn't belong,
But he went along.
Imposter Syndrome doesn't just affect me online though.... I've felt this way throughout my entire working life. It's probably another thing that stopped me succeeding as a writer, but even when I worked in radio, I felt it. When I started out, I was presenting (hospital radio) and co-presenting (local radio). Confidence was never an issue when I was on air... off air though, it was a different story. I worried that my voice wasn't as good as other DJs, my Yorkshire accent was too strong, I'd never be good enough to present my own show.
Then, when I moved onto writing adverts, I was fine at coming up with ideas and presenting them to clients, but I always felt other people were better at it than me, and I'd never be good enough to work at a proper ad agency (not that I wanted to as I was pretty certain they were full of wankers... but still, wankers who were better paid and more respected than I was). When I was made redundant, I briefly tried to set myself up as a self-employed copywriter, but nothing came of it.
Verywellmind.com gives the following as a good example of Imposter Syndrome...
You've started your own business; however, you don't like to promote yourself because you don't have the same level of experience or expertise as others in your field, making you feel like a fraud.
And so I retrained as a teacher, with the saying "Those who can, do..." echoing through my mind. I got a job at a college very easily. And I progressed up the ladder quickly. After only a few years, I was a Course Leader, in charge of English for the entire cohort of over 1000 GCSE resit students. How the hell did I get there? Who on earth thought I was capable of doing that job? I spent my entire time looking over my shoulder, certain I'd be found out any second. The only thing that prevented that from happening was a dawning realisation that most of the people above me were even more incompetent than I was. They were imposters too! Except they didn't seem to realise it... or just didn't care. There are lots of people who bullshit their way to the top and don't worry about it for a second. "Fake it till you make it!" they cry, relishing the trick they're getting away with. Oh, to be one of them...
Two years ago, I started my new job, and there were no more course leader or line manager responsibilities... I was just a teacher. I've written before about how blessed I feel to have got this job, but the Imposter Syndrome hasn't gone away. For one thing, most of my colleagues are former school teachers. Not second-rate college teachers. These guys really have survived the trenches!
Actually... I've heard some horror stories about what it's like to work in certain schools these days, but being a college teacher was certainly going the same way... for far less pay. That doesn't stop me feeling like a fraud working alongside "proper" teachers now, even though nobody here makes me feel that way at all. Is it all just in my head?
How do you know what you feel?
Is it real, is it?
How do you know what you see?
Is it seen, is it?
Work, relationships, being a parent... even being out in society, going to the shops, driving down the road... there's not one area of my life where I don't feel like a phoney. Like everyone else is doing a better job of it than me.
The online experts claim that Imposter Syndrome is linked to all kinds of other mental health matters, including perfectionism, lack of self-esteem and over-responsibility. To find out if you're a victim of Imposter Syndrome, Very Well Mind suggests asking yourself the following questions...
Do you agonize over even the smallest mistakes or flaws in your work?Am I a pedant? Yes.Do you attribute your success to luck or outside factors?Absolutely. I also attribute my lack of success in certain endeavours to bad luck... but also my own incompetence. (I recognise that many people who are successful don't really deserve it - but that just adds feelings of jealousy and resentment to my self-recriminations.)Are you sensitive to even constructive criticism?What are you saying?Do you feel like you will inevitably be found out as a phoney?Inevitably.Do you downplay your own expertise, even in areas where you are genuinely more skilled than others?
This really is the worst music blog on the internet. I don't know why you bother reading it.
Well, some days life feels like a play that you have not rehearsed
But one thing's true of all of us sharing this universe
Is we could all be doing better and we could all be doing worse
And everyone you know feels like a fraud
So what can we imposters do to feel better about ourselves? Healthline advises...
Sharing imposter feelings can help them feel less overwhelming.Hence, this post.Opening up to peers about how you feel encourages them to do the same, helping you realize you aren’t the only one who feels like an imposter.Well, there's me and Khayem, at least.Avoid comparing yourself to others.Sorry, K.You may not excel in every task you attempt, but you don’t have to, either. Almost no one can “do it all.” Even when it seems like someone has everything under control, you may not know the full story.One of Louise's friends told her recently that she didn't know anyone who wasn't either on some kind of mental health medication, taking part in some form of counselling, or on the verge of a break-up. Maybe a lot of people are just better at hiding it?When imposter feelings surface, ask yourself whether any actual facts support these beliefs. Then, look for pieces of evidence to counter them.Hmm. Now it's getting trickier...Offering yourself kindness and compassion instead of judgment and self-doubt can help you maintain a realistic perspective and motivate you to pursue healthy self-growth.Yes, yes... but can we really change the habits of a lifetime?
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here
