Not my words, just excerpts from today's featured tune, from Paddy McAloon's only solo album*, I Trawl The Megahertz, a very weird offshoot of the Prefab Sprout world, but more listenable with every passing year.
(It's recently been re-issued and repackaged as an actual Prefab Sprout release... which I suppose is fair enough, since Paddy is The Sprout.)
I'll choose one more line then let you listen to the whole thing... while I go away and cry into my pillow, as is only appropriate.
If you're in pain, music can work on the level of anaesthetic
Longtime readers will remember a regular series on this blog that fizzled out a couple of years back entitled Radio Songs. In it I told stories from my first, and best, job, working in local radio. The series fizzled when the fun started to run out, with the arrival of my Arch Nemesis "Tim Allen", computerised playlists and the end of my short-lived on-air career (although I'm not sure I ever got to that story). There are other tales to be told... quite a few actually... and perhaps I'll return to them one day, but in the meantime I thought I'd run a few photographs stolen from a Facebook group full of anoraks who collect bits and piece from the golden age of local radio. These photos show the station I worked at, how it looked when I first arrived there in 1988... although much of it changed dramatically in the following years.
Let's start with the record library. I spent many long hours in there, cataloguing the vinyl you see above at first... and soon after overseeing the beginnings of the compact disc library. And when I say cataloguing, I'm not talking about computerisation... I mean index cards! Be still my beating heart. Just the thought of those old index cards warms the cockles.
I've probably mentioned this before, but when the process of replacing that vinyl with CDs began, a large proportion of the LPs above (along with many of the 7" singles, which were on the unseen opposite side of the central column with postcards pinned to it) ended up in a skip. I, and many of my colleagues, rescued a good few of those records and gave them better homes... but looking back now, I wish I'd rescued a whole lot more. Of course, the ones I did rescue have long since been donated to even better homes... but such is the circle of life.
I can't express to you just how precious it is to see that messy little room again. Joy and heartbreak in one single photograph.
Here's The Big O, leading the charge with the Traveling Wilburys on backing duties...
Basically, Sam is now obsessed with Formula 1. This seems a natural progression for someone who spent the first 6 years of his life obsessed with Lightning McQueen and Disney's Cars. Since his mum bought him the above book (or last year's version of it... I bought him the new one, on the day it came out), he reads it every day. He has memorised all the drivers, all the teams, all the racetracks. He then quizzes me on it.
I, of course, know nothing about F1. I am amused, however, than Sam seems to think one of the drivers is called Chinny Reckon. (It's Kimi Räikkönen. But Chinny Reckon is good enough for me.)
The other thing Sam does a lot is use the word "basically". I mean, basically, every sentence. I think he must get this from Louise, who uses it infrequently. Basically's not really a word I use much... I'm more likely to say "ultimately", but Sam hasn't picked up on that. It's basically getting on my wick... but not as much as the whistling. He also says "to be fair" and "to be honest" a lot, the latter when he's basically not being very honest at all... I mean, when he's telling a proper chinny reckon.
There is a World Party song called Basically, but I don't want to listen to it. No offence to World Party. This seems more appropriate today...
I remember being round at my next door neighbours, taping this song off one cassette onto another.
Thanks. I've got you sharing The Smurfs and Sam making me listen to Baby Shark. As if life wasn't bad enough.
Show him the Smurfs Go Pop album.
I think I'll stick with making him listen to the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack again.
I would have thought you were post cassette.
No way, one of my favourite toys as a kid was the Talkboy (TM). It's the thing Kevin has on Home Alone 2 where you can speed up or slow down the playback.
From Tiger Electronics.
I just used to put a penny on the LP.
I also have a lot of cassettes now.
Of course. Because pointless tat comes with Hipsterdom.
Is that slang for going to the toilet?
What, pointless tat? I'll have you know I have very good direction.
You can get plenty of tapes on eBay for dirt cheap.
People do big clear outs. There's never any bidding wars or anything.
I've just started buying up cheap CDs I used to own, then sold when I was skint (and CDs still had value). Now I can get them for a couple of quid each.
My tape player is French as well.
Of course it is.
I donated all my CDs about 5 years ago.
I know. But I'm never going to be able to afford a vinyl collection and I even sold my turntable. CDs are now the cheapest option... except for anything released in the last 2-3 years which is extortionate and never drops in price.
Whereas I don't have anything to play CDs on. Even the laptops in our house don't have CD compartments.
I did buy one of those things that lets you convert old cassettes into mp3s. I've just never had time to use it. I also have lots of old mini-discs that I have a similar intention for.
Mini discs skipped my generation. They were too expensive and by the time we were old enough to buy them, the MP3 players were out.
[They were only a thing for about 3 and a half minutes. But it was when I worked in radio, and we were convinced they were the future after they replaced reel to reel.
I bought a Zune with my first pay cheque.
WTF...?
What? The Zune rocked. It was indestructible.
What did it do?
Played mp3s. With the most unintuitive user interface ever.
I bought a CD player with my first pay packet. Then spent ages taping CDs so listen to in my dad's car. I taped Diamonds & Pearls, the album, when I got it. Put it on repeat to fill the C90. Only I'd pressed repeat one track only. So driving to work that night, I listened to 40 minutes of Thunder. It took me ages to realise what I'd done. I just thought Prince had recorded a reeeeeeally long song.
I bought a CD player by skipping eating lunch at school for three weeks so I could use the lunch money to buy it. £20 Alba CD player.
That sounds like a plot from Grange Hill. They'd call in a social worker if you did that nowadays.
Most kids at my school didn't eat at lunch. There was a McDonald's at the end of the road and we were near the city centre so most kids saved it as we couldn't leave during lunch.
So you just sat in the playground and watched the drive-by shootings...
It was a Catholic school so it was a few stabbings. And a lot of teenage sex.
But you all felt very guilty afterwards.
The guilt was ever present. You knew you'd fucked up when you got sent to see Fr Adrian over the assistant principals.
To be fair, he was a nice guy.
Just made you do a lot of prayers.
Perfect song for you...
Settle a debate.
Pink custard at school.
It was just pink, not strawberry flavoured, yeah?
I don't think it was strawberry flavoured but it didn't taste like normal custard. I love normal custard but I hated red custard and green custard. Chocolate custard was ok.
Green custard and red custard. Did you go to private school!?!
Grotbags was the head teacher. I thought you didn't eat school dinners anyway...
What did green custard taste like? Apple?
Horrible. There is only one true custard.
Birds or Ambrosia?
Yellow.
All you other custards are just imitating.
Cold or warm?
And I mean refrigerated, not room temp.
Hot. Like coffee.
Red hot dessert, cold custard.
Freak.
How is custard even allowed for you? It's not vegan.
Alpro. Or Birds packet mix.
Sigh. Custard must be hot. End of.
My other half has it hot. Have to keep half in fridge, half in cupboard for her to heat up.
At least there's one sane person in your household.
Me.
There are two exceptions... Crumble... and Christmas pud.
At least you're not part of the Brandy Sauce Brigade.
Brandy has a place in lemonade. Not a cool drink. But a tasty drink. Like dirt cheap lemonade.
Even when I drank anything, I drew the line at brandy.
It was excellent as a 14 year old in car parks.
What would Fr Abraham say?
Adrian? He's still a good friend so he'd probably just tut and shake his head at me...
