Thursday, 24 August 2017

My Top Ten 'Doctor Doctor!' Songs (Volume 1)

Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a goat!
How long have you felt like this?
Since I was a kid!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge
What's come over you?
Two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor, doctor!  I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Take a seat.
I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.

Ah, the humble 'Doctor, doctor' joke... is it a relic of simpler times, or do you still feel the urge to try one on when you visit your G.P.?

Here's ten songs where more whinging pop stars try to get help from the NHS. You'd think they would be able to afford BUPA...

10. UFO - Doctor, Doctor
Doctor, doctor, please
Oh, the mess I'm in
Doctor doctor, please oh, the mess I'm in
She walked up to me and really stole my heart
And then she started to take my body apart
One of those awful organ theft scams, obviously.

9. Skeeter Davis - Prescription For The Blues

Skeeter is looking for a doctor who'll help put her out of her misery...
Just like a little baby all night night I cry
Now doctor if you can't cure me why I just as soon to die
So give me something poison, doctor won't you please
And then I'll sign a paper sayin' I died with heart disease
Oh doctor, doctor, write me a prescription for the blues
She probably needs to go to the Netherlands.

8. City Boy - Surgery Hours (Doctor, Doctor)

City Boy take a visit to the Carry On Doctor...
Oh, Doctor, Doctor, soothe my aching knee.
Higher, higher if you please
I'm sure my temperature's running so low I could freeze.

Have you got something to warm me?
It gets worse. (In a good way.)

And what was their doctor's phone number? 5705, obviously.

7. Talking Heads - Creatures Of Love

David Byrne: definitely someone in need of a check-up... from the neck up.
Doctor, doctor, tell me what I am
Am I one of those human beings
Well I can laugh or I can learn to think
So help me now to find out what I feel...
You need a doctor of philosophy mate. Let's not even talk about the time you went to the docs because you were Making Flippy Floppy...
Doctor, Doctor
We have nothing in our pockets
We continue
But we have nothing left to offer
Faces pressed against the window
Hey! they are just my friends
Check this out don't be slick
Break our backs it goes like this . . .

6. Harry Nilsson - Coconut

Today's life lesson from Harry... don't drink lime and coconut together.
"Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take?"
I said "doctor, to relieve this belly ache"
I said "doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take?"
I said "doctor, to relieve this belly ache"
Milk of Magnesia.

5. Pink - Don't Let Me Get Me

Poor Pink. So hard being a multi-millionaire pop princess... especially when people keep comparing you to Britney Spears!
Doctor, doctor, won't you please prescribe me somethin'
A day in the life of someone else?
Cause I'm a hazard to myself
I know the feeling.

4. Paul Simon - Allergies
Doctor, please
Doctor, please
Open up it's me again

I go to a famous physician
I sleep in the local hotel
From what I can see of the people like me
We get better
But we never get well
You've got to feel sorry for Paul Simon's doctor... that's got to be a full-time job!

3. Rick Springfield - Bruce

Then there's the tragic case of Rick... so much in Bruce's shadow, he has to go to his doctor about it.
Doctor, doctor you gotta help me yeah
You gotta make it right for me
It seems this other man's name has been following me around
And it just won't let me be
You see I got this name and he's got this name too
And you know they're kinda close only a blind crazy fool
Would think I was him it's like saying green is blue
But let me tell you brother it started being a bother
When he made the cover of Time magazine
Never mind, Rick, you made a top tune out of your troubles! I'll always remember you for that.

2. Robert Palmer - Bad Case of Loving You (Doctor, Doctor)

In which Batley Bob falls badly for his beautiful (saw)bones.
Doctor, doctor, give me the news
I've got a bad case of lovin' you
No pill's gonna cure my ill
I've got a bad case of lovin' you...
Restraining order.

1. The Young Rascals - Good Lovin'

Another one I owe to Bruce Willis, I'm afraid, who did a memorable performance of this track in one of my favourite episodes of Moonlighting. Another Bruce also had a crack at it. The original was never a hit in the UK, but it was a Number One on the other side of the Atlantic. Always loved it...
I was feelin' so bad,
I asked my family doctor just what I had,
I said, "Doctor,
(Doctor )
Mr. M.D.,
(Doctor )
Now can you tell me, tell me, tell me,
What's ailin' me?"
(Doctor )
He said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Yes, indeed, all you really need
(Is good lovin')
Not sure you can get that on prescription though. Believe me, I've tried.

This was Volume 1 because I could easily go another ten. Bunch of hypochondriacs, these pop stars. Any ideas for what might be in Volume 2...? (Other than The Thompson Twins, who were just too obvious, even for me.)


  1. Ah Rol, I got right to the last paragraph thinking "blimey, how's he missed the Thompson Twins?"

    1. The creeping senility hasn't got quite that bad...yet.

  2. OK, so I saw this and immediately assumed you were doing something to mark the return of the KLF. How foolish of me. So I suppose there's no way you could squeeze in The Timelords, although I know The Doctor never actually worked for the NHS? Have I gone off on a tangent?

    1. Many years ago, on a blog you had the misfortune to read, I did a Top Ten Doctor Songs. The Timelords had their day then.

  3. Bad Case of Loving You (Doctor, Doctor) was also recorded by Frankie Miller on the 1982 album Standing On The Edge. I once saw him live and the version he did was stunning. Frankie's version is rawer than Robert Palmer's and all the better for it.

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  5. 'Down At The Doctors' by Dr Feelgood would have to be my No. 1 (two for one as well!)

  6. Inevitably...

    In the tower, the lover sighs
    "Good sir knight, please take my eyes I've used them."
    "Doctor, Doctor, I'm on fire!"
    "Oh, I'm sad to hear that, squire
    We're closing."

  7. Good call!

  8. Could not agree with your No. 1 as that was what popped into my head as soon as I saw your headline. The pick that made me smile, however, was Skeeter. Why she isn't featured more on all of our pages is a mystery. Nicely done. Now on to the latest installment of your radio days. I missed it the other day.

  9. Doctor doctor - I think I'm a snooker ball
    Get to the end of the queue

    Doctor doctor I think I am invisible

    I'll get my coat

  10. Yes it was going to be the Thompson Twins for me too but as you say just too obvious. I actually do have plenty of ideas for a single Doctor song, but no more of the double Doctor variety - Can't believe you have 10 more of those. Then again, yes I can.


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