Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again...
The words misanthropic and pessimistic are common synonyms of cynical. While all three words mean "deeply distrustful," cynical implies having a sneering disbelief in sincerity or integrity.
That said, I'm willing to accept that my cynicism has taken a bit of a back seat in recent editions of this feature. In fact, beyond the odd "that might not work for you, but it could be worth a try" sort of comment, I've pretty much gone along with everything I've read.
Today though, we cover an idea that has me raising an eyebrow like Roger Moore and scrunching up my face like Les Dawson. You might argue it's not possible to do both at the same time, but in my head at least, that's what I'm doing.
Welcome to Welcoming.
Alice Cooper - Welcome To My Nightmare
In the last few nail-biting editions of SHFC, we've discussed how it's best to confront your emotions head on rather than avoiding them, bottling them up or trying to distract yourself from them. The more I read, the more I see this advice given as a way of rewiring our amygdala / monkey brain, teaching it not to panic or feel anxiety in certain situations and gradually becoming a lot more chilled in the process.
My Chemical Romance - Welcome To The Black Parade
"Feel the fear and do it anyway!" was the mantra that I rebuffed in my younger days. Now I'm grudgingly having to accept there might be something to it. However, there's a school of thought that takes this idea one step further and suggests we take time to actively welcome negative emotions. Monkey Brain Guru Dr. Jennifer Shannon explains...
When you experience fight-or-flight sensations but there is no immediate threat, it is a false alarm. Regardless of how urgent these sensations seem, resisting them will only prolong them. Pointless as they seem to be, uncomfortable sensations, like negative emotions, are necessary. The more we can welcome them, the more easily they will metabolise.
The Electric Soft Parade - Welcome To The Weirdness
At best, this sounds to me like wallowing. At worst? Could it be a form of sadomasochism? Not according to the New York Times...
...researchers found that people who habitually judge negative feelings — such as sadness, fear and anger — as bad or inappropriate have more anxiety and depression symptoms and feel less satisfied with their lives than people who generally perceive their negative emotions in a positive or neutral light.
I took a moment to think about this in terms of music, and I wondered about famously "miserable" lyricists like Leonard Cohen, Townes Van Zandt or The Pope Of Mope himself, Stephen Patrick M-Word... were they actually happier because they "welcomed" their negative emotions? Although if that's really the case, welcoming didn't work for Nick Drake, Elliott Smith or Kurt Cobain, did it?
Elliott Smith - Everything Means Nothing To Me
Then I thought back to the opening lines of Nick Hornby's High Fidelity, as memorably delivered by John Cusack...
What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?
...and I thought... I thought... actually, maybe this provides an answer to that conundrum. Why do I like miserable music? Because it allows me to welcome negative emotions, thereby lessening their hold on me.
If that were the case though, wouldn't the Goths and Emos be the most well-adjusted members of society? Maybe they are...
The Divine Comedy - The Happy Goth
Look! I found a website called "HAPPIFY"! Pour your cynicism on that, fellow misanthropes! But first, let's hear their advice...
When you feel out of sorts, centre yourself with a few deep breaths and connect inward to the emotion you're experiencing. Give it a name, and allow it the space to simply be. Say, "Hello, sadness" if that's what you're feeling, and let it roam freely until it's ready to leave—because emotions are fleeting by their very nature.
Los Campesinos! - Hello Sadness
Scientists have done a variety of studies to back this up, because that's what scientists do. One involved getting volunteers to dip their hands into an ice water bath. Half the group were told to try to ignore or deny the uncomfortable sensations they felt, while the other half were told to accept the discomfort of the freezing cold. Guess who managed to keep their hands in the bath the longest?
Brendan Benson - Cold Hands (Warm Heart)
You might argue that actively seeking to accept or even prolong uncomfortable feelings could be rather counter-productive... or even self-destructive... but not according to that New York Times article I mentioned earlier.
“What one resists, persists,” said Amanda Shallcross, a naturopathic physician who studies emotion regulation at the Cleveland Clinic. When you avoid your emotions, “you’re bound to experience longer-term negative mental and physical health.”
Dr. Jennifer Shannon calls negative feelings "necessary feelings" and invites us not only to welcome them, but to provoke them. She suggests practicing by welcoming everyday anxiety-causing situations such as arriving late, listening to someone complain about you, or being in a long queue. I actually tried this final one last week when I was stuck on the M1 for an hour on my way to work. I sat there and I paid attention to what I was feeling, how my body was handling the anxiety... and I can honestly say that it did help, I didn't get as wound up as I normally would. It didn't stop me badly needing a wee though.
Taking this one step further, Dr. Shannon suggests "actually triggering your own negative feelings to welcome". Here are some of her suggestions...
- Listen to a political candidate you dislike (to be fair, that could be any of them, but Trump's imminent return is enough to cause any sane person sleepless nights)
- Watch a movie you know you won't like (life's too short for Tom Hanks, I'm sorry)
- Turn on some music you find distasteful...
I'm sorry, Dr. Shannon, but you can take this welcoming stuff too far, you know!
Remember that when you do welcoming exercises, you are not attempting to get rid of or control the feeling, nor are you trying to like the feeling.
So it's just about learning to suffer?
You are simply welcoming whatever emotion arises in that moment with your breath. Breathe in to accept the feeling. Breathe out to let go of control.
No. I'm sorry. This is too hard. Why would I want to do this again?
You are getting good at feeling bad.
Ah. Well, in that case...
Watching those three videos - welcoming the music of U2, you might say - did enable me to properly understand my reaction to this band. I realised it's not so much the music that causes me an unpleasant reaction... it's just Bono's smug, supremely punchable face. And that's useful, because as this series has proven time and time again, the more we understand our emotions and reactions, the easier they are to accept.
Here's something nice to wash that unpleasant taste out of your ears: Norwegian Americana hero Harald Thune, doing his own bit of welcoming...
Ha! U2 therapy! Or aversion therapy, maybe...
ReplyDeleteYes, I saw aversion therapy referenced quite a bit while I was reading up for this post... I reckon Bono could be very big in that field.
DeleteAs someone still quite recently out of hospital because their monkey brain totally took over I have been invited on lots of courses that delve into what you write about here. At the moment I'm still the happiest I've been in years but all down to the medication I'm afraid. Nothing was working for four months then bingo they got it right. There is no plan to wean me off it anytime soon either. I'm a bit cynical now about any technique that is supposed to curb those negative feelings as they just didn't work for me. I would have been the first in line to resist the medication route but having seen what it's done for me I now see there is no shame in seeking help of a pharmaceutical nature. I'm glad writing this series is helping you but don't rule out a frank talk with your GP about it all.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Alyson, I'm coping pretty well at the moment, to be honest. It was partly the last frank conversation I had with a GP though - following which they put me on a online CBT course, which I found very annoying and not much cop - that inspired this series.
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