Oh, would some
Power the gift give us
To see ourselves
as others see us!
It would from many
a blunder free us,
And foolish
notion:
What airs in dress
and gait would leave us,
And even devotion!
So ends one of Robert Burns' most famous poems (well, the English translation of it anyway, which I'm sure will horrify some of you), in which Burns writes about seeing a louse crawling on a woman’s bonnet in church. At first he’s disgusted by the sight, though by the end of the poem he turns more philosophical. If we could see ourselves through other people’s eyes, he argues, we would lose all our pretensions and realise that no one person is better than anybody else…
Bettie Serveert - Hell = Other People
Nice idea, Rabbie, but many of us spend far too much time
worrying about how other people see us. Welcome to FOPO – Fear of Other People’s
Opinions. Here’s a for instance…
Someone I know – we’ll call him Tiberius – finds it hard to
make small talk with colleagues or discuss his life outside work. He can handle
more formal discussions about work-related matters in a relaxed fashion, making
jokes when appropriate, and generally feels like his opinion and experience is
valued in those circumstances. But when everyone starts chatting about what
they did last night, what they’re doing at the weekend, what they’re watching
on TV or what music they like… he clams up. If someone raises a topic he has an
opinion on – say they mention a TV show he’s actually watched or a band he has
some knowledge of – he’s not afraid to chip in. What he won’t do is set the agenda.
He won’t mention a show nobody else has been talking about, and he certainly
won’t tell them he’s been out to see Craig Finn or Lucinda Williams over the
weekend. (In case you’re wondering, Tiberius goes to a lot of the same gigs I
do. We don’t go together because, to be honest, I find him rather tedious company.)
Morrissey - People Are The Same Everywhere
Why won’t Tiberius tell his colleagues about the great time
he had watching Craig or Lucinda? Why would he rather pretend he’s done nothing
at the weekend? Why won’t he ask them if anybody’s watching the final series of
Curb or if they saw Fargo Season 5 – the best one yet? Well, only Tiberius
would be able to answer those questions for sure. But here are a couple of
suggestions…
The Wonder Stuff - Let's Be Other People
1. Tiberius doesn’t feel that his own life would be of interest
to anybody else. (There’s a huge irony here in that Tiberius spends a great
deal of his time chronicling said life on a blog that very few people read – I’m
not linking to it, to spare you the agony. But he does that, he claims, purely
for his own mental health, and it’s a bonus if other people read it, though he
really can’t understand why they would.)
Clifford T. Ward - Are You Really Interested?
2. Tiberius does not wish to be judged by his own interests
or opinions. If he tells people he watches Curb, they might think he’s a sociopathic
misanthropist like Larry David. And mentioning any kind of musical interest
outside the mainstream is a certain way of finding yourself stereotyped or
pigeon-holed, labelled and tagged. You like country music, Tiberius? Yee-haw!
You like ROCK? Do… I… need… to… talk… more… slowly… so… you… understand? You
like Taylor Swift too? Sad old man desperately trying to cling onto his youth
by appearing hip? Bruce Springsteen? I never liked Born In The USA… too
jingoistic for me. No, expressing any kind of musical preference just opens one up to stereotyping, prejudice and general all-purpose ignorance… and the last
thing Tiberius wants is to get into an argument defending his tastes… because
that would just make him look touchy.
Bob Marley & The Wailers - Judge Not
Why does Tiberius care what other people think? To answer that question, I turned to our old friend Mr. Google, who directed me towards psychologist Michael Gervais at The Harvard Business Review. Gervais has written a couple of articles that jumped out at me, one called How to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think of You and one called Stop Basing Your Self-Worth on Other People’s Opinions. The first of those is a bit too Inspirational for me – it concludes by suggesting we tackle self-esteem issues by cultivating our own “personal philosophy” or mission statement… but then, this is The Harvard Business Review, and Gervais’s clients do include “world record holders, Olympians, internationally acclaimed artists and musicians, MVPs from every major sport, and Fortune 100 CEOs”… so what do you expect? (Clearly he's overcome any of his own self-esteem issues a long time ago.)
Still, best
not to consult Dr. Gervais if you're a mediocre loser like Tiberius. His article did
however reiterate something we’ve discussed here before – how the monkey brain
fears being ostracized by the “tribe”.
Unfortunately, FOPO is part of
the human condition since we’re operating with an ancient brain. A craving for
social approval made our ancestors cautious and savvy; thousands of years ago,
if the responsibility for the failed hunt fell on your shoulders, your place in
the tribe could be threatened. The desire to fit in and the paralyzing fear of
being disliked undermine our ability to pursue the lives we want to create.
Memphis Nomads - Don't Pass Your Judgement
The second article was more enlightening, particularly when
it discussed the core principles of self-worth, and how everybody judges
themselves by a different yardstick. For some, academic prowess trumps everything
else. For others, it’s physical appearance. It could be financial stability or sporting
ability or just being a nice, caring person… we all have an internal barometer
of success, and they’re all attuned to a slightly different wavelength. Which,
when you think about it, makes seeing ourselves through other people’s eyes a
bit of a non-starter. Someone with an athletically-attuned mindset might look
at Tiberius and think, you’re getting a bit flabby, mate, isn’t it time you hit
the gym? But if that doesn’t match Tiberius’s own metric… he'd rather people thought he was a good writer and a genuine human being... so what’s the point in
even trying to make a comparison?
Other people's lives
Seem more interesting
'cause they ain't mine
Modest Mouse - Other People's Lives
Gervais gets to the crux of the matter when he discusses “externalising
your self-worth”, in other words, trying to conform to other people’s metrics.
Externalizing our self-worth,
when it works, can yield short-term benefits. We get emotionally and chemically
rewarded when we succeed. Our hypothalamus produces dopamine, often referred to
as the feel-good neurotransmitter. Our self-esteem gets lifted, leaving us
feeling safe, secure, and superior.
But dependency on external validation
and social approval has a dark alter ego that reveals itself over time because
outsourcing our self-worth undermines the basic human needs of competence,
autonomy, and relatedness.
Woah. There’s quite a lot to unpack there. I fear we may
have to return to Tiberius next week…
Maybe Tiberius could do a guest post?!
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't want George to get jealous.
DeleteI have been trying to compose a limerick in honour of your acquaintance. So far I've come up with:
ReplyDelete"There was a young man called Tiberius
Whose mind was inclined to be serious
Dum de dum dum
De dum de dum dum
Dum dum de dum dum de erious"
I think it's nearly there
Nearly.
DeleteWell, I like Tiberius.
ReplyDeleteHe doesn't deserve it, C!
DeleteOnly this week I had to read out Rabbie's lines when sitting with a group of people on a course I've been attending. A course about having the skills conducive to good mental health.
ReplyDelete"Oh wad some power the giftie gie us, To see oursel's as others see us. It was frae monie a blunder free us, And foolish notion."
It was when we were looking at the Self-Reflection skill. To be honest though your series is of more use to me than all the courses I've been on this year so keep it up as I have a very high opinion of the man writing this. As for Tiberius, looking forward to hearing from him again next time.
Thank you, Alyson. It helps me to write it... if it helps someone else to read it, that's a bonus.
Delete