Self-Help For Cynics #27: Dopamine

The Fixx - Opinions

Last week on SH4C, we met Tiberius, a “friend” of mine who worries constantly about other people’s opinions. 

And we asked the important question: Why do we care what other people think?

Major Parkinson - The Age Of Paranoia

Once again, the finger pointed firmly in the direction of our brains, and I immediately figured our old friend the amygdala might be responsible. However, it turns out there’s another suspect in the frame: the hypothalamus!

The Divine Comedy - Who Do You Think You Are?

The hypothalamus is a tiny little blob of gunk deep within our brain which takes charge of our heart rate, body temperature, hunger, and the sleep-wake cycle. It does a bunch of other jobs too, notably mucking about with our social behaviour – including sex-drive and aggression. How does it do this? By releasing hormones! And which hormone is responsible for our obsession with what other people think of us? Dopamine.

The Hormones - Don't Let Them Get You Down

Last week, we closed with a quote about “externalising our self-worth”: in other words, seeing ourselves as others see us. Take Tiberius – when someone smiles at him, even a stranger, he feels a little better about his day. If a colleague or peer compliments him on his work or tells him he’s doing a good job, it makes him happy. And if someone reads his blog or leaves a nice comment… well, it’s cartwheels time! Because every time one of those things happens, the hypothalamus in Tiberius’s brain releases dopamine… the “feel good hormone”… the “happy hormone”… the “pleasure hormone”. You’ll find many similar sobriquets applied to dopamine online. Because dopamine is also the hormone that’s released when we eat, have sex, and take drugs… anything that feels good. (Even if it's bad for us.)

D.R. Hooker - A Stranger's Smile

Healthline tells us…

Anything that gives you pleasure will trigger the release of dopamine. This can range from a fun activity you enjoy, like dancing or cooking, to sex, shopping, and even certain drugs. Dopamine activates the reward pathway in the brain, leading you to desire these activities more. For this reason, dopamine can play a role in addiction.

The Good Rats - Does It Make You Feel Good?

This opens up a whole bunch of questions for me. 

For example… if being smiled at by a stranger gives Tiberius a mini dopamine hit, why doesn’t he go out of his way to be nicer to strangers? Or... does he pick and choose which strangers he would rather be nice to, because, frankly, their smiles are worth more to him? Other factors outweigh the dopamine hit in certain circumstances. A smile from a little old lady in the supermarket who’s asked Tiberius to reach for a tin on the top shelf… that’s worth it. But he’s still not going to wave at that Audi driver and let him pull out, even if the Audi driver might smile back… is that because Tiberius believes the Audi driver won’t smile back, or does he get more of a dopamine hit by denying the Audi driver, by causing him a little inconvenience? There are, I presume, certain circumstances where being mean will grant you more of a hit than being nice? It all depends on who you’re interacting with in any particular moment. 

The Wonder Stuff - Happy:Sad

Speaking for myself, rather than Tiberius, I can report a recent incident when I was on the motorway, driving at the speed limit in the fast lane, with an Audi driver behind me, far too close, desperate to get past. When it was eventually safe to pull back into the middle lane, I did so. My hands remained at ten to two on the steering wheel, but I carefully extended the middle finger of my right hand as the Audi accelerated past. Up ahead now, the Audi swerved erratically as he opened his own car window and raised his own hand / fist / finger up into the air in a furious gesture of aggression. And then he was gone. But the fact that he’d clearly noticed my subtle bird flipping, and that it had aggravated him so very much... this gave me a much greater dopamine rush than any stranger’s smile could have done. Call me petty, but I was buzzing on that for the rest of the day.

The world needs people like you and me
Who've been knocked around by fate
'Cause when people see us
They don't wanna be us
And that makes them feel great

Avenue Q Cast - Schadenfreude

Going back to Tiberius, I’m sure that positive feedback from his colleagues – and the feel good hormones released as a result – encourage him to keep trying his best in the workplace. It’s interesting to note that some scientists believe a shortage of dopamine might be responsible for all manner of medical and psychological complaints, from autism to Parkinson’s, but that you can boost your dopamine by eating more protein (because that’s what it’s made from, apparently). Another reason to keep chomping brazil nuts… if I needed one. Better yet, Healthline tells us...

Listening to music can be a fun way to stimulate dopamine release in your brain.

Adam Green & Binki Shapiro - Just To Make Me Feel Good 

That'll do me!

War - The Funky Music Makes You Feel Good

And that third thing I mentioned that gives Tiberius an instant dopamine hit? Online blog feedback? Hoo boy. We’ve opened a real can of worms there...

Richard Thompson - I Feel So Good

Next week, we’ll talk about one of the biggest dopamine boosters on the planet – and, as a result, one of the most addictive drugs you will ever come across. Worse still, it’s perfectly legal and children are becoming exposed to it at an increasingly younger age these days… with all kinds of horrific consequences.

I’m talking about social media.

Oh, the horror.

If you could see the you that I see

When I see you

You would see things differently

I assure you

I wish I could hire Henry Rollins as my motivational coach.

Self-Help For Cynics #26: To A Louse

Chumbawamba - Tubthumping

Oh, would some Power the gift give us
To see ourselves as others see us!
It would from many a blunder free us,
And foolish notion:
What airs in dress and gait would leave us,
And even devotion!

So ends one of Robert Burns' most famous poems (well, the English translation of it anyway, which I'm sure will horrify some of you), in which Burns writes about seeing a louse crawling on a woman’s bonnet in church. At first he’s disgusted by the sight, though by the end of the poem he turns more philosophical. If we could see ourselves through other people’s eyes, he argues, we would lose all our pretensions and realise that no one person is better than anybody else…

Bettie Serveert - Hell = Other People

Nice idea, Rabbie, but many of us spend far too much time worrying about how other people see us. Welcome to FOPO – Fear of Other People’s Opinions. Here’s a for instance…

Someone I know – we’ll call him Tiberius – finds it hard to make small talk with colleagues or discuss his life outside work. He can handle more formal discussions about work-related matters in a relaxed fashion, making jokes when appropriate, and generally feels like his opinion and experience is valued in those circumstances. But when everyone starts chatting about what they did last night, what they’re doing at the weekend, what they’re watching on TV or what music they like… he clams up. If someone raises a topic he has an opinion on – say they mention a TV show he’s actually watched or a band he has some knowledge of – he’s not afraid to chip in. What he won’t do is set the agenda. He won’t mention a show nobody else has been talking about, and he certainly won’t tell them he’s been out to see Craig Finn or Lucinda Williams over the weekend. (In case you’re wondering, Tiberius goes to a lot of the same gigs I do. We don’t go together because, to be honest, I find him rather tedious company.)

Morrissey - People Are The Same Everywhere

Why won’t Tiberius tell his colleagues about the great time he had watching Craig or Lucinda? Why would he rather pretend he’s done nothing at the weekend? Why won’t he ask them if anybody’s watching the final series of Curb or if they saw Fargo Season 5 – the best one yet? Well, only Tiberius would be able to answer those questions for sure. But here are a couple of suggestions…

The Wonder Stuff - Let's Be Other People

1. Tiberius doesn’t feel that his own life would be of interest to anybody else. (There’s a huge irony here in that Tiberius spends a great deal of his time chronicling said life on a blog that very few people read – I’m not linking to it, to spare you the agony. But he does that, he claims, purely for his own mental health, and it’s a bonus if other people read it, though he really can’t understand why they would.)

Clifford T. Ward - Are You Really Interested?

2. Tiberius does not wish to be judged by his own interests or opinions. If he tells people he watches Curb, they might think he’s a sociopathic misanthropist like Larry David. And mentioning any kind of musical interest outside the mainstream is a certain way of finding yourself stereotyped or pigeon-holed, labelled and tagged. You like country music, Tiberius? Yee-haw! You like ROCK? Do… I… need… to… talk… more… slowly… so… you… understand? You like Taylor Swift too? Sad old man desperately trying to cling onto his youth by appearing hip? Bruce Springsteen? I never liked Born In The USA… too jingoistic for me. No, expressing any kind of musical preference just opens one up to stereotyping, prejudice and general all-purpose ignorance… and the last thing Tiberius wants is to get into an argument defending his tastes… because that would just make him look touchy.

Bob Marley & The Wailers - Judge Not

Why does Tiberius care what other people think? To answer that question, I turned to our old friend Mr. Google, who directed me towards psychologist Michael Gervais at The Harvard Business Review. Gervais has written a couple of articles that jumped out at me, one called How to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think of You and one called Stop Basing Your Self-Worth on Other People’s Opinions. The first of those is a bit too Inspirational for me – it concludes by suggesting we tackle self-esteem issues by cultivating our own “personal philosophy” or mission statement… but then, this is The Harvard Business Review, and Gervais’s clients do include “world record holders, Olympians, internationally acclaimed artists and musicians, MVPs from every major sport, and Fortune 100 CEOs”… so what do you expect? (Clearly he's overcome any of his own self-esteem issues a long time ago.) 

Ian McNabb - Other People

Still, best not to consult Dr. Gervais if you're a mediocre loser like Tiberius. His article did however reiterate something we’ve discussed here before – how the monkey brain fears being ostracized by the “tribe”.

Unfortunately, FOPO is part of the human condition since we’re operating with an ancient brain. A craving for social approval made our ancestors cautious and savvy; thousands of years ago, if the responsibility for the failed hunt fell on your shoulders, your place in the tribe could be threatened. The desire to fit in and the paralyzing fear of being disliked undermine our ability to pursue the lives we want to create.

Memphis Nomads - Don't Pass Your Judgement

The second article was more enlightening, particularly when it discussed the core principles of self-worth, and how everybody judges themselves by a different yardstick. For some, academic prowess trumps everything else. For others, it’s physical appearance. It could be financial stability or sporting ability or just being a nice, caring person… we all have an internal barometer of success, and they’re all attuned to a slightly different wavelength. Which, when you think about it, makes seeing ourselves through other people’s eyes a bit of a non-starter. Someone with an athletically-attuned mindset might look at Tiberius and think, you’re getting a bit flabby, mate, isn’t it time you hit the gym? But if that doesn’t match Tiberius’s own metric… he'd rather people thought he was a good writer and a genuine human being... so what’s the point in even trying to make a comparison? 

Other people's lives
Seem more interesting
'cause they ain't mine

Modest Mouse - Other People's Lives

Gervais gets to the crux of the matter when he discusses “externalising your self-worth”, in other words, trying to conform to other people’s metrics.

Externalizing our self-worth, when it works, can yield short-term benefits. We get emotionally and chemically rewarded when we succeed. Our hypothalamus produces dopamine, often referred to as the feel-good neurotransmitter. Our self-esteem gets lifted, leaving us feeling safe, secure, and superior.

But dependency on external validation and social approval has a dark alter ego that reveals itself over time because outsourcing our self-worth undermines the basic human needs of competence, autonomy, and relatedness.

Woah. There’s quite a lot to unpack there. I fear we may have to return to Tiberius next week…

Celebrity Jukebox #117

The Grim Reaper's been busy again.

John Hyatt

When Ben messaged me to say that John Hyatt had passed away last week, I mistakenly thought he meant John Hiatt. But it wasn't the American singer-songwriter who had left the stage, it was the singer from 80s post-punk politicos The Three Johns. This John balanced his "pop" career with a day job teaching fine arts at Leeds Poly. 

Benjamin Zephaniah

Ben was also the first to inform me of the death of writer, musician and poet Benjamin Zephaniah. Ben remarked...

I think anyone who knew the alternative 80s and 90s scenes, or was involved in English teaching, had a positive view of him.

Very true. Ben and I have both taught English, and Khayem commented in his own tribute that...

...it was an inspirational English teacher at secondary school who burst our predominantly white working- & middle-class suburban bubble by incorporating the poetry of Benjamin Zephaniah and Linton Kwesi Johnson into our studies, a life changing moment for me.

Coincidentally, I'd just featured a track by the poet in my Self-Help For Cynics post on Responsibility when I heard about his death. And here he is again...

Dean Sullivan

Khayem was also responsible for alerting me to the death of actor Dean Sullivan a couple of weeks back. I was a huge Brookside fan in the 90s, and despite his many flaws (drug addiction & dealing, manslaughter, digging up Trevor Jordache), Jimmy Corkhill was my hero. For a jukebox tribute, I did consider that his brother Billy gets name-checked here...

The Beloved - Hello

...but in the end, this seemed like a far better song to play.

Tony Allen

The moment I heard about the death of the "godfather of alternative comedy", one song... hell, a whole album... came immediately to mind. 

In 2011, Luke Haines, Cathal Coughlan and Andrew Mueller released an album called The North Sea Scrolls. It was purported to be an alternative history of the United Kingdom, as told to them by the "actor" Tony Allen. I'm a huge Luke Haines fan, and I think this may well be the best thing he's ever done. I've no idea what Tony Allen thought of it.

Finally, three more familiar faces to say goodbye to...

Brigit Forsyth 

Still most famous for her role in Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?, though she went on to appear in many other films and TV shows, including Boon and Still Open All Hours. Brigit was also a musician and singer. Here she is with her band The Fircones...

The Fircones - Girl In The Band

Ryan O'Neal

We used to have a teacher who, if he noticed a couple of students in his class making googly eyes at each other, would loudly whistle the theme tune to Love Story. It became a shorthand for youthful romance in my head. I'm not sure I've ever seen the film myself since someone gave away the ending. But my favourite Ryan O'Neal movie is What's Up Doc? with Babs...

Well, I looked in the mirror can you guess what I saw?

It wasn't Ryan O'Neal kissin' Ali MacGraw 

It was me

It was me

Shirley Anne Field

Another actress not just famous for treading the boards...

Shirley Anne Field - It's Legal

However, Shirley Anne's biggest influence on the world of music must surely come through her role in Karel Reisz's adaptation of Alan Sillitoe's novel Saturday Night and Sunday Morning, a film which may have inspired a live album by The Stranglers...

The Stranglers - No More Heroes

A studio album by Jake Bugg...

Jake Bugg - All I Need

The title of the Arctic Monkeys debut record, Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not (taken from a line in the film)...

The Arctic Monkeys - I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor

And, most important of all, the best thing Stephen and Johnny ever did together. Another line from the film, "Why don't you take me where it's lively and there's plenty of people?", spoken by Shirley Anne herself, led Morrissey to pen those famous opening lyrics...

Take me out tonight

Where there's music and there's people

And they're young and alive

Snapshots #258: A Top Ten Circle Songs

Ever feel like you spend your life going round and round in circles? 

10. Nobleman and landowner.

That would be you, Squire.

Squire - My Mind Goes Round In Circles

9. Ponderous substance.

The Wonder Stuff - Circlesquare

8. Onomatopoeia punch for Charles. 

Give a Thack! to Ray (Charles).

Jake Thackray - The Castleford Ladies Magic Circle

7. Pound, Furman and Miller are worse. 

Ezra Pound, Ezra Furman and Ezra Miller can't hold a candle to these guys...

Better Than Ezra - Circle Of Friends

6. While others fell behind, Mr. Bragg kept going.

Billy pressed on.

Billy Preston - Will It Go Round In Circles

That's a cracker.

5. Woody is a plonker.

Woody Allen meets Rodney Trotter (you plonker!)

Rodney Allen - Circle Line

So is that.

4. Jim Bob and Fruitbat not pictured.

Jim Bob and Fruitbat were in Carter USM. But not in...

The Carter Family - Can The Circle Be Unbroken 

3. As you can tell by their clothing, this lot are keen sewers. 

Keen sewers was an anagram.

The New Seekers - Circles

2. Blue painted set.

Ocean Colour Scene - The Circle

1. Dottie Danger.

Before she joined the Go-Gos, she was drummer in the punk band The Germs, under the pseudonym "Dottie Danger".

Circle back here next Saturday for more...

Hot 100 #30

30 Seconds To Mars are the band illustrating this week's post. A band that I've never been able to listen to because... I'm very sorry... Jared Leto is a tool.

Anyway, onto your suggestions...

Martin was first out of the traps, with a track that has already featured here twice, getting its final outing this week...

C30, C60, C90, Go! by Bow Wow Wow

And then, this:

30 Years in the Bathroom by The Wonder Stuff

Rigid Digit jumped in to tell us he loved the first two Wonder Stuff albums but doesn't rate them after that. Contrary as ever, my favourite Wonder Stuff record is their fourth one. Still, RD reckons their new song sounds like Jon By Jovi, so I might have to give that a try. ;-)

"Lyrically," Martin concludes, "you'll be here all day." (We probably will be anyway, thanks to Douglas, so I kept out of the lyrics search this week, unless you suggested them.) "I might as well get it out of the way and be the first to reference 30 years of hurt in..."

The Lightning Seeds featuring Baddiel & Skinner - Three Lions

As you know, I have little time for the Glorious Game, but I do like The Lightning Seeds. So as football songs go, this is one of the only ones I have any time for.

Next up, Rigid Digit had a couple of suggestions of his own...

Manic Street Preachers - 30 Year War

Scott Walker - 30th Century Man

Two fine suggestions, both of which were in my short list.

Charity Chic offered a couple I hadn't thought of though...

The Montrose Avenue - 30 Days Out

Blimey, I don't think I've heard that in 20 years.

Pere Ubu - 30 Seconds Over Tokyo

Keep it Peel.

The Swede rediscovered the countdown then...

"Splendid to see the Hot 100 countdown back in action, Rol, sorry I missed it last week."

"For No. 30 I can offer:"

16 Shells From a Thirty-Ought Six by Tom Waits 

Lynchie definitely suggested this for 36.

My Thirty Thousand by Billy Bragg & Wilco

Irresistible.

Thirty More Steps by Webb Foley

Ooh, I like that.

Thirty Years by UK

That might take a little more time though.

"Lyrically, The Congos - La La Bam-Bam..."

...for thirty pieces of silver they sold Jah Rasta and why did they do that? 

"Plus a selection of Bob Dylan lines..."

Bob Dylan - Maybe Someday

...thirty pieces of silver, no money down...

Bob Dylan - Lo And Behold!

...count up to thirty, round that horn and ride that herd - Gonna thread up!

Bob Dylan - Union Sundown

...the car I drive is a Chevrolet, it was put together down in Argentina 

by a guy makin’ thirty cents a day... 

...bringin’ home thirty cents a day to a family of twelve, 

you know, that’s a lot of money to her... 

Three wins. I might have to reconsider my position on this Dylan bloke.

Alyson was next to rediscover the countdown, with two interesting suggestions...

Vonda Sherpard - 7:30

Robert Downey Jr. - 5:30

He makes records too? What, like he doesn't have enough money already?

Alyson wondered if both her suggestions would be disqualified because they're times. No, because if I disqualified them, I might also have to disqualify this week's runner up...

The Supremes (and Jimmy Webb!) - 5:30 Plane

Jim in Dubai then offered...

Simple Minds - 30 Frames A Second

Thanks, Jim. I think I'll stick with Robert Downey Jr.

And then came Douglas.

Take a deep breath folks, because he's in it to win it this week...

"I was surprised how much tougher a round number like 30 was to find in my collection than I would have though. The best I could do pulled up some pretty great songs, but with references to 30 that were a little bit of a stretch, such as the time reference in

Planet Claire by the B-52's

Some say she's from Mars

Or one of the seven stars that shine after three-thirty in the morning

Well, she isn't!

"Another clock reference appears in the song Brian Wilson by The Barenaked Ladies:

Drove downtown in the rain

Nine-thirty on a Tuesday night

Just to check out the late-night record shop

Call it impulsive, call it compulsive

Call it insane

But when I'm surrounded I just can't stop...

"Now, I have never been the greatest BNL fan, despite their origins from the streets of my own home town of Toronto and the leg-up the received in airplay and support from our then-mighty local alternative independent radio station CFNY. But they have pulled together some amusing lyrics from time to time, and I have always found the above description of compulsive record shopping very poignant and pointedly relevant to myself and my closest friends of the time."

I think we can all relate to that, Douglas. I can take the BNLs in small doses. Particularly One Week and that lightbulb song.

"The final time-stamp I could find was on Bruce Springsteen - He's Guilty (The Judge's Song)"

Well the judge and the jury came into the court room

About 9:30, the 23rd of Jun

Now we're all here to try your crime

To see if we'll set you free or make you serve your time

Very early Bruce. Great bit of guitar.

"Perhaps more directly a 30 reference is in The Beautiful South's The Rocking Chair, where it expresses the disappointment and dissatisfaction with the situation one finds one in after the passage of years:"

So I'll take these high-heeled shoes

And yes I'll take these traditional views

I'll take this deep despair

Of a 30 year old square, to the rocking chair...

Paul Heaton went through a phases of writing some great songs about growing old, about 20 years ago. He doesn't seem to do that anymore. Too close to home?

Now, Douglas had one other suggestions, which we'll come to in a moment. Because I've a feeling that some of you may have already guessed that it's this week's winner.

I reckon George must have guessed I'd go for it... which is why he desperately searched his record collection for any alternative he could find...

Hank Williams - 30 Pieces Of Silver

Clyde McPhatter - 30 days

"And The Auctioneer by Leroy van Dyke mentions a 30 dollar bid," George adds, in a final, Canutian attempt to head off the inevitable.

Thanks, George. I've lost count of how many times that track has been suggested in the course of this feature. And it's a special favourite of mine since my dad was an auctioneer when I was a kid.

OK, before we get to the winner, what other 30s were clogging up my hard-drive?

Hold on...

Humble Pie - 30 Days In The Hole

The Reverend Horton Heat - Beer: 30

Lots of fun.

The Stranglers - Love 30

The Divine Comedy - 30th of January (four months and one day earlier than last week's offering)

Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly. - If I Had A Pound For Every Stale Song Title I'd Be Thirty Short Of Getting Out Of This Mess

Public Service Broadcasting - Signal 30

Reverend & The Makers - 18-30

CW McCall - Old 30

The Pernice Brothers - 7:30

Thea Gilmore - 30 More Days

Chuck Berry - Thirty Days

Cowboy Junkies - Thirty Summers

The Jasmine Minks - Thirty Second Set-Up

Tom T. Hall - Back When Gas Was Thirty Cents A Gallon

Skint & Demoralised - The Thrill Of Thirty Seconds

The Dresden Dolls - Thirty Whacks

Phew.

But there could only be one winner, and although I had thought The Supremes would take it this week, Douglas's persistence finally paid off...

"Perhaps y'all will forgive me when I mention that when I thought of the (Beautiful South's) use of "30" to express lost hopes and dreams of youth it immediately put me in mind of a song I recall went the rounds of my grade-school playground, lyrics being parroted uncomprehendingly by innocent young uns who must have heard it on the radio, for it did reach number 8 on Billboard's Top 40 in 1978:

Her name is Lola, she was a showgirl

But that was thirty years ago, when they used to have a show

Now it's a disco, but not for Lola

Still in dress she used to wear

Faded feathers in her hair

She sits there so refined, and drinks herself half-blind...

"Now after mentioning that, I think I will go off and drink myself half-blind as well, for I feel sure that is the first and only time Barry Manilow will be mentioned on these pages..."

However, as Douglas quickly discovered, that was not actually the case...

"Okay, I feel better now. After writing the above, I thought to do a search of the blog and found that what I said about Manilow was not true, and our esteemed author himself wrote in 2014, "...I'm not ashamed to say there are Barry Manilow records in my collection, or that I enjoy getting them out from time to time..." and in 2016, "I've never felt guilty about enjoying a bit of the old Bazzer boogie...". And "Copacabana" itself has been featured more than once in "Top Ten" lists, once reaching the giddy heights of No. 2! So perhaps, just perhaps, he may have a chance of bringing me victory at long last, and I can stop practicing my Marlon Brando voice, saying "I could have been a contender!""

A contender no more, Douglas. You are a champion! Although you did cut your lyrics short before they go to the best bit...

She lost her youth

And she lost her Tony

Now she's lost her mind...

From 30 Seconds To Mars to the Copacabana. That's this blog in a nutshell.

29, anyone?

My Top Ten Songs About Killing Pop Stars

I've been planning this one for a while, but Charity Chic finally forced my hand.

Ten songs about killing (or at least seriously wounding) pop stars. Shoot!

Special mention to Mark E. Smith, who once memorably sang...

And if I ever end up like Bono,

Slit my throat with a kitchen knife...

10. Altered Images - Dead Pop Stars

An obvious place to start, although this one doesn't go so far as to name names. The rest aren't so coy...

9. The Cranberries - I Just Shot John Lennon

The most famous of all murdered pop stars. The Cranberries give a voice to his killer, Mark David Chapman, but their sympathies remain with the Walrus.

"I just shot John Lennon!"

He said, "I just shot John Lennon!"

What a sad and sorry and sickening sight

It was a sad and sorry and sickening night

8. Keith Top Of The Pops & His Minor UK Indie Celebrity All-Star Backing Band - Two of the Beatles Are Dead

My favourite line in this goes...

Don't count Stuart Sutcliffe or the original Paul

...which always makes me smile.

7. Chumbawamba - Slag Aid

I never quite got Chumbawamba's message here, other than that - in their opinion - famous pop stars are hypocrites for getting involved in charity appeals. (By their calculations, Live Aid, Band Aid and Sport Aid raised less than half of Michael Jackson's "personal amassed fortune", "or about the same as the world spends on arms every two hours, forty minutes".

Most of the lyrics just do what it says in the title, but they do nail Cliff Richard to a cross towards the end... and there's another version where they do the same to John Lydon, for balance.

6. Jackie Balfour - Sting's Dead

An amusing anecdote, if not an actual song. Still...

5. The Wonder Stuff - Rick Astley In The Noose

Poor old Rick Astley. Back in the late 80s, I hated him in his role as SAW poster-boy, but I've developed a weird respect for him over the years. Even Nick Lowe feels bad about writing these lines in All Men Are Liars now...

Well do you remember Rick Astley?

He had a big fat hit it was ghastly

He said I’m never gonna give you up or let you down

Well I’m here to tell you that dick’s a clown

4. Leonard Cohen - A Singer Must Die

Here's Leonard turning the gun on himself... in reaction to his own critics.

"This song is for my critics and for my judges and for those who give marks to us everywhere, who evaluate our performance whether it is in the courtroom or the cloakroom or the bedroom. This is for the judges."

3. Paul Heaton & Jacqui Abbott - When I Get Back To Blighty

Paul Heaton's trick is to get someone with a much sweeter voice to sing his most poisonous lines, hence Jacqui Abbott's the one who gives voice to this hugely topical song (even more so today than when it was written 5 years ago) about the perils of Little Britain's fake-nostalgic jingoism which ends up making a figurehead of Mr. Collins, esquire.

A white T-shirt and faded jeans

Just, just an ordinary guy

But prisoner to his tax returns

Oh, Phil Collins, Phil Collins must die

2. The Indelicates - Waiting For Pete Doherty To Die

Simon & Julia don't actually want the notorious Libertine to drop dead. This is more a comment on media vultures and a public over-obsessed with celebrity death. Apparently.

1. Chris T-T - Dreaming Of Injured Pop Stars

A similar sentiment powers Chris T-T's somewhat dated (pop-reference wise) yet still ESSENTIAL Number One (sorry, CC). Always raises a smile in this house anyway...

The bit about the Stereophonics is my favourite. Poor old Kelly Jones.


Got any pop star hit lists of your own? Share with the group.

Hot 100 #38

38 Special are a Southern rock band formed by Donnie Van Zant, the younger brother of Lynyrd Skynyrd singer Ronnie.

As Martin identified in last week's comments, loads of songs make mention of the Smith & Wesson .38 Special, and though he chose not to mention them "in the spirit of gun control", that didn't stop the rest of you! I was metaphorically blown away by the following fully-loaded suggestions from...

Rigid Digit:

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Saturday Night Special

And as a man's reaching for his trousers

Shoots him full of 38 holes

Mark Knopfler - 38 Special

Lynchie:

Warren Zevon - I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

I've got a .38 special up on the shelf

I'll sleep when I'm dead

If I start acting stupid

I'll shoot myself

I'll sleep when I'm dead

George:

Robert Johnson - 32-30 Blues

She got a 38 special but I believe its much too light

I got a 32-20, got to make the camps alright

And Brian, who explains...

All roads lead back to Nick Lowe. Going with "Me and My .38" by Carlene Carter off of 'Blue Nun' from 1981. This one was co-written and produced by then husband Lowe. She's backed by Lowe's band at the time... Paul Carrack, Martin Belmont, James Eller and Bobby Irwin. Love this album. Tough broad. When she leaves the key under the mat, you better show up or you'll have a double date with her and her .38.

I wish I could find that somewhere online, Brian, because it sounds like a cracker. Sadly, the internet let me down. However, I'll see your Nick Lowe suggestion and raise you this...

Nick Lowe - Switchboard Susan

When I'm near you girl, I get an extension

And I don't mean Alexander Graham Bell's invention

Switchboard Susan, can we be friends?

After six, at weekends

Hey babe, your number's great

38-27-38

Oh you bring a smile to my dial

Oh you're great, operator's great

Sticking with the smut, here's C, who went all Gallic on us this week...

Charlotte Gainsbourg - Les Oxalis

Sa mère Marie-Camille

Repose à ses côtés

Elle survit à sa fille

Encore 38 années

I'm not putting that into google translate, but I bet it's mucky.

Back to Martin then, who clearly thinks he's identified a smart way of winning this game: just choose songs by my favourite artists. (Although Lynchie's still smarting that this tactic didn't work for him last week.)

Lloyd Cole and the Commotions - Her Last Fling

And now you're underweight

And overpaid

You will not be saved

And you're pushing 38

Billy Joel - Leningrad

I was born in 49 

A cold war kid in the McCarthy times

Stop 'em at the 38th parallel 

Blast those yellow reds to hell 

Cold war kids were hard to kill 

Under their desks in an air raid drill 

Haven't they heard we won the war 

What do they keep on fighting for?

Ooh... I tell you what, Martin, that came close. It really did.

Well, that almost takes care of your suggestions this week, so here's a few thrown up by my own hard-drive...

The Wonder Stuff - 38 Line Poem

Whiteout - Thirty Eight

ELO - 10538 Overture

(Yeah, I know that last one would get quickly disqualified if one of you suggested it, but it's still a belter if you like Jeff Lynne shamelessly ripping off the Beatles.)

And a couple of lyrical drops...

Johnny Cash - The Wreck of the Old '97

They give him his orders at Monroe, Virginia

Sayin', "Steve you're way behind time

This is not Thirty-Eight, but it's old Ninety-Seven

You must put her in Spencer on time"

Donald Fagen - Planet D'Rhonda

She’s from a small town somewhere upstate

I guess she’s somewhere between 19 and 38

She stays up all night – she drives too fast

I say easy baby- baby slow down

It’s never gonna happen

On Planet D’Rhonda

And finally, because I have no shame...

Bon Jovi - Social Disease

She's full of high grade octane

She could run the bullet train on 38 Double D's

Now you know for sure, she know the cure

To make a blind man see

But, I'm sure it comes with great relief that Douglas saved you all from having to listen to Jon Bon Jovi's boob-inspired lyrics this week by suggesting this cracking story song from his oft-requested Canadian heroes, The Tragically Hip. I have a weakness for story songs, particularly when they involve breaking out of prison.



37 next week. Any ideas?

Saturday Snapshots #79 - The Answers

This quiz is automatic...

It's systematic...
It's hydromatic...
Why, it's Saturday Snapshots!

I had to use a spreadsheet to work out the winner yesterday, and I'm still not entirely sure I got it right. I think Lynchie just took it, ahead of a sterling performance from Chris, with Charity Chic coming in third, but only after being awarded bonus points for, as George put it, "showing off. Alyson, Rigid Digit*, George and Ramone666 hoovered up the rest.

(*By the way, if any of you haven't yet read Rigid Digit's latest post, I recommend you do so immediately... it struck a lot of chords with me.)

Thanks for once again proving his quiz has got plenty of Razzmatazz! Here are this week's answers...


10. What do football players say to the ref at the start of a match? Clan named ? loses an atom.

Question loses its last ion.

A Tribe Called Quest - Can I Kick It?

9. Oz tum, eh? Too much gambling. Don't put your last coin in the jukebox...

Anagram + high rolling.

Zoe Muth & The Lost Higher Rollers - If I Can't Trust You With A Quarter, How Can I Trust You With My Heart?

8. Sons of Galveston express surprise at your departure.

Jimmy Webb (aka God) wrote Galveston. These are his boys.

The Webb Brothers - I Can't Believe You're Gone

7. Burt's sick wine ends up enclosed with small shoes, eggs and matches.

Burt Reynolds drinks sick wine or Mal Vina, see?

Malvina Reynolds - Little Boxes

6. Found at the zoo, between the friendly antelopes and other pachyderms.

A friendly antelope would be similar to a tame impala.

The biggest pachyderm is an elephant.

Tame Impala - Elephant

Why couldn't all their other songs be as good as this one?

5. Never-ending efficiency minus 100.

If you're efficient, you're pretty slick. Minus a C(entury) = Slik.

Slik - Forever & Ever

4. McFly eats half an ice cream near the Mexican border.

Marty McFly.

Baskin & Robbins.

Marty Robbins - El Paso

Finally finished watching Breaking Bad last week. Yeah, only ten years behind everybody else. This tune features heavily in one of the closing episodes.

3. Thankful when it gets dark and you can hear the Greenwich Time Signal even though you're on your way to see the satellites?

Tortuous clue that. When you're glad it's night, you can hear the pips from GMT, and you're taking the late train to see the Georgia Satellites?

Gladys Knight & The Pips - Midnight Train To Georgia

2. Think things... Average: 5.6 feet, 650 kg.

When I think things, I wonder stuff.

Cows are, according to the internet, on average 5.6 feet, 650 kg.

This was my favourite clue of the week.

The Wonder Stuff - The Size Of A Cow

1. Is sculpture art or a cheesy job?

Kraft make cheese. Not very nice cheese, but cheese all the same.

Sculpture is about making models.

Jobs are work. (Horrible, in most cases.)



I've got chills - they're multiplying... because Saturday Snapshots will be back next week.

My Top Ten Square Songs

Ten songs for squares. Special mention to L7, obviously.



10. Love & Money - Jocelyn Square

Better than most of the singles that made the Top 40 in 1989... so obviously it made #51.

I still live on Jocelyn Square, nothing much has really changed

I still think about you, but only really when it rains

Sometimes you don't know something's open till it shuts

I loved you so much, I hated your guts

9. Iggy Pop - Squarehead

I think I should start reserving one place on every Top 10 for Iggy, even for his late 80s output which the cool kids will tell you is not all that good. If the song doesn't do it for you, take a look at this...

What do you want: blood?

8. Blondie - Contact In Red Square

Anyone seen the movie Atomic Blonde? It's basically "What if Debbie Harry was James Bond?" They really should have found room for this in the soundtrack...

Although I'm young I got a job to do

Hid the microfilm in the lining of my shoe

Call it a business trip

Got to hide inside my trench coat and be clever

I got my papers and a cyanide pill

My Polaroid's a taser in disguise

There's a base in the hills

And the wheat fields looks like Kansas in November

7. The Beta Band - Squares 

Owes quite a lot to Daydream, a 1969 Belgian hit by The Wallace Collection (which in turn lifted its melody from Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake) that also inspired I Monster's Daydream In Blue.

6. Emily Kinney - Times Square

Just lovely. Why isn't she a bigger star?

5. The Boo Radleys - The Old Newsstand at Hamilton Square

Great John Barry-esque tune from the final Boo Radleys album.

Sad songs are easier to play, I'm afraid...

4. The Wonder Stuff - Circlesquare

I've been a long-term disappointment to myself...

'Nuff said.

3. Harry Connick Jr. - A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square

Yeah, I know, Frank's version is far superior, but I have a special fondness for Harry's take. It's just so... lounge.

2. Elvis Presley - (You're So Square) Baby I Don't Care

Listen to the bassline in this. Guess who played it. Only bloody Elvis!

Of course, it took me many years of therapy to get over the Shreddies version. I can smile about it now, but at the time it was terrible. Because of that, I still believe there's a line in the original about not liking toast and jam. (There isn't.)

Much better is The Primitives' cover from The Last Temptation of Elvis.

1. Huey Lewis & The News - Hip To Be Square

You see... I dunno... I dunno how you could possibly listen to this and not think it's one of the greatest pop songs ever recorded. I mean, I'm sure you'll tell me otherwise and I'm a square for loving it, but I don't mind. It's hip to be square!





Which song makes you happy to be square?

The Glorious 10th - Welcome To...

The original album cover.

The one they replaced it with when Woolworths refused to stock the album 

because people were blowing their brains out all over the Pick 'n' Mix.

Welcome to the Glorious 10th. Thank you for playing along. I think you got almost all of them this month, although I'm sure you'll be surprised by some of the omissions.

Let's start with the ones that are in my record collection but didn't make the 10. The first person to name each of these gets a bonus point. Let's start with the one everyone thought would be there...

Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Welcome To The Pleasuredome

I need to bring back my old series The Top Ten Songs I Hated When I Was A Kid to properly discuss FGTH, although this wouldn't be the song I featured. I've had a curious relationship with this band, largely down to the fact that even as a teenager I felt I could see through the Paul Morley hype machine. I actually preferred Holly Johnson's solo work... though I did grow to give Frankie their due eventually. Not enough to squeeze them into this Top Ten though, sorry.

Steve can have 1 point for that though. And also for suggesting Welcome To The Terrordome... though I was always more of a Run DMC man than Public Enemy.

The Swede then gets a point for Jim Reeves - Welcome To My World, recalling my hospital radio days. Although obviously I prefer the Elvis version.

Lynchie (I'm sorry, Lynchie, I feel like I should be linking to you... is that possible?) gets a point for Manic Street Preachers - Welcome To The Dead Zone, which was a serious contender for a while. He also gets a point for another very close call, Alice Cooper - Welcome To My Nightmare. He doesn't get any points for Pink Floyd though. And neither does anyone else. However, he can have an extra point for saying that Bon Jovi - Welcome To Wherever You Are wouldn't be in my Top Ten. It is in my record collection though. (Which probably doesn't surprise any of you.) So is this, which nobody mentioned, but it's much better than Jon By-Jovi...

Oh, and before I go any further, I can honestly say that I had never heard Mr. Mister - Welcome To The Real World until you lot started banging on about it. And I don't want to ever hear it again, thanks.

Meanwhile, Charity Chic gets a bonus point for Welcome To Paradise by Green Day, from the excellent album Dookie. Another contender for the prized #11 slot.

Martin arrived then, desperate to reclaim his crown after last month's poor showing, swooping up bonus points for... Fleetwood Mac - Welcome to the room, Sara, The Kinks - Welcome To Sleazy Town, and Prince - Welcome 2 The Dawn. I know, I know, last month I said Prince was a shoe-in for the Top Ten, but I forgot this because of his annoying habit of using text speak in his songs. One extra bonus point to Martin for remembering it despite that.

And I'm going to stop Martin there, because I'm sure I had a rule somewhere about limiting your guesses to ten. Well, if I didn't, I do now. Some of Martin's "bubbling under" suggestions might have nabbed him points... one of them would have scored big if he'd chosen to take it off the boil and cook it properly. Oh, and I did promise him this: he loses a point for Oxide & Neutrino. I mean, really.

Last month's winner C arrived then and stole a bonus point from Martin for putting Welcome to the Real World by ABC in her Top 10. She also nabbed a point for Ryan Adams - Welcome To New York, though she'd have doubled that up if she'd mentioned the Taylor Swift original. 

Alyson gets a point for Brad Paisley - Welcome To The Future, which really did come close to making the ten. Good guess, Alyson. Hope you're fully recovered now. And you can have a point for The Music - Welcome To The North as well.

Finally, Jez rolled along with Hot Club De Paris - Hello, I Wrote A Song For You Called ‘Welcome To The Jungle’, which I'd forgotten all about, but it's pretty cool.

Surprised nobody suggested the title track from this. 

Although it is only a minute long.

What about points for good songs that aren't in my record collection?

Brian can have a point for Welcome To My Revolution by Utopia. Love Todd Rundgren. Must check out some more Utopia.

C gets 1 point for Welcome To The Jungle (Jim) by They Might Be Giants. I love TMBG too but I'd never heard this one before. It's great. And a point for Welcome To My World by Depeche Mode, because the lyrics made me smile.

The Swede gets a point for Welcome To Feeling by Sam Beam & Jesca Hoop, another one from my infinite Wants List. And that's even shorter than the Dandy Warhols track above!

Martin can have a point for Tori Amos - Welcome To England, which isn't as annoying as I worried it might be. Although the video is pretty much Wicker Man meets The Omen.

Rigid Digit also steals "that's pretty cool" points for Stiff Little Fingers - Welcome To The Whole Week and Welcome to the World of Plastic Beach by Gorillaz, mainly because it features more Snoop than Damon. 

Then Jez rolled up again with Summer Camp – Welcome to Condale, which I liked, and something from the Frank Sidebottom movie soundtrack which I couldn't find online, but as I never really saw the point of Frank Sidebottom, no points there.

Finally George crawled out of bed a few days after everyone else and with his usual style and aplomb went for the booby prize by suggesting Welcome To The Show by Barclay James Harvest. And because it really is as bad as George said, I'm going to give him 3 points for that.

Another pretty good Welcome To... album without a title track.

OK, enough of the runners up. Let's get to the big ten! What beat Frankie?

These guys...


10. Rufus Wainwright - Welcome To The Ball.

Rigid Digit  gets two points for being the only person to guess this. Camp as a row of glamping tents.

9. Plan B - Welcome To Hell

I figured Charity Chic might steal the points for this one since it was one of his famous bargain buys, and sure enough he not only guessed it, but also - incredibly - predicted its Number 9 placing. Which gets him 5 points!

8. R.E.M - Welcome to the Occupation

An obvious inclusion, which I was sure Steve would get the points for... but didn't. Lynchie gets 2 for being first to suggest it. Jez, Martin & CC also get 1 for knowing it would be in my 10.

7. Ballboy - Welcome To Växjö

CC got a point for being the first to suggest Ballboy, although he went for the song Welcome To The New Year instead of this. It was down to George to steal the 2 point glory by remembering this lesser known track intead.

6. Brandon Flowers - Welcome To Fabulous Las Vegas

I would argue that Brandon Flowers now makes more interesting records as a solo artist than in his day job with The Killers. I don't know if Rigid Digit agrees with me, but he gets another 2 points for being the only one to mention this anyway.

What: no Son of Dork fans out there? Shame on you!

All of which brings us to The Top Five, and a pretty amazing Top Five it is, I'm sure you'll agree (though you may well disagree about the order).

5. The Wonder Stuff - Welcome To The Cheap Seats

Charity Chic gets 2 points here, though sadly his prediction of it being my #2 song fell a bit short. It could well have been: it is a classic.

In another world, Martin and Rigid Digit could wear a dress. They get a point for knowing it would be in my Top Ten, as does Alyson... though I suppose she already wears one.

4. Steely Dan - Any World (I'm Welcome To)

Here's the one nobody got: and right now, a dozen Steely Dan fans are kicking themselves. I can understand why you missed it, but remember (brackets are allowed) the challenge was "to find ten songs with the words 'Welcome to...' in the title". I never said they had to be at the beginning.

Another album-title-only contender.

3. Guns N' Roses - Welcome to the Jungle

Of course, this had to be in there. It could have even been #2, but when I listened to the runner-up contenders back-to-back, my actual #2 just edged it for me. Still an amazing song, whatever your thoughts on Axl Rose.

The Swede got this first - 2 points for that. Rigid Digit gets 1 too. Alyson misses out under the Martin Rule, because she made the mistake of saying it would be on my long list rather than in the Top Ten. Shame.

2. My Chemical Romance - Welcome to the Black Parade

I was surprised how few of you suggested this. Either you all think my record collection largely stopped in the 20th Century, or yours does. This is probably Gerard Way's finest hour, a glorious slab of emo-pomp: Queen meets Radiohead meets David Lynch. And the video has everything a great pop song needs: comas, nurses, skeleton costumes, zombies, post apocaltyptic ruins, exploding televisions and overdone allegory. Eat that, Paul Morley!

Anyway, the only person I can legitimately award points to for this is Jez. Martin misses out for over-guessing and suggesting this would be "bubbling under". No way, this is boiling over!

1. Elvis Costello - Welcome to the Working Week

Well, there could only be one winner, and if Elvis had a song on his first few albums that fit the bill, chances are it would be him. One minute 24 seconds of sheer audio bliss: now that's how to write a pop song!

Now that your picture's in the paper being rhythmically admired
And you can have anyone that you have ever desired
All you gotta tell me now is why, why, why, why?

Indeed. The Swede gets 2 default points for being the first to mention it, but everyone who thought it would / should be Number One gets 5 points. So that's 5 points for Charity Chic, Martin, C, Alyson and Brian. Rigid can have a point too, though he didn't number his predictions.

Points, then. And what do points make? Well, in this game they make points. (The usual apologies if I've added them up wrong.)

Steve - 2 points (play properly next time)

Lynchie, Jez & George - 5 points

Brian - 6 points

The Swede - 7 points

Alyson - 8 points

C & Rigid Digit - 9 points

Martin - 11 points

But this month's undisputed champion, with a peerless 15 points is...

Charity Chic.

Well done, Stevie.

Thank you all for playing. Next month's challenge will be along any second.