Snapshots #411: Songs About Minor Ailments

Various songs you might need to consult a doctor about... although they'll probably tell you to stop wasting their time... if you can even get past the receptionist.

15. Flatulent Camberwick Green resident and apocryphal cabin boy.  

The flatulent Camberwick Green resident would be Windy Miller. It's an urban legend though that Captain Pugwash had Roger The Cabin Boy in his crew.

Roger Miller - Lou's Got The Flu 

14. After The Funeral.

The Wake - Heartburn

13. Rebellious Jews.

Check your history books.

The Maccabees - Sore Throat

12. They do not own a copy of that George Michael single.

They are without a copy of Faith.

Faithless - Insomnia

11. Man with the News: Tickling the ivories leads to the Cure.

Huey Lewis was the man with The News. Robert Smith has The Cure.

Huey 'Piano' Smith - Rockin' Pneumonia And The Boogie Woogie Flu Pt. 1

10. I've a mind to let this group make my decisions for me.

A Hive Mind?

The Hives - Constipation

9. ET's friend in a box likes to take long walks with Blind Boy Grunt.

ET's friend was Elliot. Jack in a box. Long walks would be rambling. Blind Boy Grunt was another alias of Robert Zimmerman.

Ramblin' Jack Elliott & Bob Dylan - Acne

8. The entirety & the whole shebang.

Everything Everything - Cough Cough

7. Sue Pollard and tough guy Marvin.

Sue Pollard was Peggy. Lee Marvin was the tough guy.

Peggy Lee - Fever

6. "I'm listening" to the catchiest part of the song.

"I'm listening," was the catchphrase of Dr. Frazier Crane. The catchiest part of the song is usually the chorus.

Frazier Chorus - Born With A Headache 

5. Sodding Teri has me all over the place.

"Sodding Teri" was an anagram.

Otis Redding - I'm Sick Y'All

4. Goes with Delaney & The Creator.

Delaney & Bonnie... Tyler The Creator.

Bonnie Tyler - It's A Heartache

3. A bumpy journey through space.

Cosmic Rough Riders - The Pain Inside

2. Two thousand.

CC are the Roman Numerals for 200. Multiply that by 10.

10cc - You've Got A Cold

At a pinch, you might have had...

Graham Gouldman - Sunburn

1.Found inside notorious dynamos.

NoTORIous dynAMOS.

Tori Amos - Caught A Light Sneeze

Get well soon - hopefully you'll be back to full health by next Saturday, in time for more of this nonsense.

My Top Ten Diane & Diana Songs

Ten songs you just can't hold a candle (in the wind) to...


10. Paul Anka - Diana

I'm so young and you're so old...

As chat up lines go, Paul, how's that one working for you?

If I were you, I'd stick with, "did you know I wrote My Way?"

9. Everything Everything - Come Alive, Diana

Featuring the phantom head of the late Princess...

Line the streets, Diana, 
With armoured cars, 
Oh column inch, timeless inch 
Can you inch another centimetre closer to hearts and minds? 
You'll win them yet.

Don't ask me. I just play them.

8. Prefab Sprout - Diana

Her eyes china blue saucers, she's born that way
She tastes of apple strudel, you can tell she does
With arms that hold sweet William to her breast

On the other hand, only Paddy McAloon could write an affectionate tribute to the former Queen of Hearts... that I don't hate on principle.

The darling of, the darling of, creation of the editor
I guess that's what, suppose that's what she's for
I hope they're crying in their sleep for promises they cannot keep
For disappointments rooted deep
That's why the boys and girls love Diana

7. Hüsker Dü - Diane

A very creepy song, polished and sanitised into a hit by Therapy?

6. Lily Rae & The Saturday Girls - Diane

As opening lines go, these take some beating...

Diane...
Why do you stay with him?
You never liked him anyway...
The boy's a knob.

5. Fleetwood Mac - Oh, Diane

Surprisingly absent from most Fleetwood Mac Greatest Hits albums, yet it was one of their biggest UK hits. Being mostly a Lindsey Buckingham song... perhaps Stevie doesn't like it?

4. Michael Jackson - Dirty Diana

I always thought this was about MJ's old Motown mate, Diana Ross. But apparently not.

This, on the other hand...

3. The Concretes - Diana Ross

 The Concretes listen in to Diana Ross till they get a Love Hangover.

2. Vampire Weekend - Diane Young

A new entry, in with a bullet, the first track from the new Vampire Weekend album, sounding as good as the stuff on the first album... and better than anything on the second. Great news all round.

1. John Cougar-Mellencamp - Jack & Diane

A little ditty that became one of the greatest rock songs of the 80s. And there's so much innuendo and philosophy in the lyrics, you'd think Jarvis Cocker wrote it. 

Oh yeah, live goes on... long after the thrill of living is gone.

Which one would you Di for?