Self-Help For Cynics #24: Paranoid

Finished with my woman 'cause

She couldn't help me with my mind

People think I'm insane because

I am frowning all the time

All day long I think of things

But nothing seems to satisfy

Think I'll lose my mind

If I don't find something to pacify

Can you help me

Occupy my brain?

Black Sabbath - Paranoid

A year or so back, I began to feel victimised by another prominent member of the blogging community. Not someone whose name you will ever see in the comments box on this site, but someone who is well-regarded by certain other bloggers, and who occasionally comments on a select number of the blogs I read. I began to notice that whenever I wrote a comment on one of those blogs, expressing approval of a certain artist or song, this particular individual would soon after leave their own comment, not so much rubbishing my opinion, but making it quite clear that they disagreed and that they saw no value at all in the music I liked. After a while, I attempted to deflect this with humour, leaving jokey follow-up comments about how much our tastes differed or faux apologies for inflicting my own noxious opinions on him, but my olive branch of banter was met with a wall of silence. 

The Cleaners From Venus - Amateur Paranoiac

This is when my paranoid brain kicked into over-drive. Did this blogger really have it in for me? Were my opinions so distasteful that the very sight of my name in a comment box drove him into a rage? If he felt this way, how many other blog readers might I be offending with my awful taste in music? The least I could do was comment less on the blogs he read, so as not to upset him any further. Beyond that, I seriously considered quitting blogging altogether, or at least making my blog private and just writing it for myself... though I knew I'd miss the community and the chance to chat away in other people's comment boxes. 

Mind tells us...

Paranoia is thinking and feeling like you are being threatened in some way, even if there is no evidence, or very little evidence, that you are. 

Even more tellingly, they add...

Paranoid thoughts could also be exaggerated suspicions. For example, someone made a nasty comment about you once, and you believe that they are directing a hate campaign against you.

Ouch. That's right on the money, isn't it? 

Paranoia, paranoia

Everybody's coming to get me

Just say you never met me

I'm running underground with the moles, digging holes

Hear the voices in my head

I swear to God it sounds like they're snoring

But if you're bored, then you're boring

The agony and the irony, they're killing me

Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta

Apparently up to a third of the population experience paranoid thoughts at one time or another. Paranoia isn't an actual mental health diagnosis - not unless you respond to your paranoia in an excessive way. Clearly it's linked to low self-esteem and intrusive thoughts, both of which we've looked at here before. So it should come as no surprise that "amygdala dysfunction" is one of the key suspects in causing paranoid thoughts.

The Kinks - Destroyer

(On a side note, whenever I start a sentence with "So...", I worry that I'll anger Charity Chic, since it sticks in my mind that he doesn't approve of said practice. God, writing a blog when you're a delusional fruitcake is an absolute minefield!)

Sometimes I give myself the creeps

Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me

It all keeps adding up

I think I'm cracking up

Am I just paranoid

Or am I just stoned?

Green Day - Basket Case

Mind tries to reassure me that what I have is mild or non-clinical paranoia, not one of the more serious forms: paranoid personality disorder, delusional disorder and paranoid schizophrenia. But really, what if they're wrong? Am I paranoid to think I might have a more serious version of paranoia?

I got some so-called friends

They'll smile right to my face

But, when my back is turned

They'd like to stick to me

Yes, they would

Paul Simon - Paranoia Blues

An Australian Better Health website lists the following as possible symptoms of paranoia. I'm going to try a little tick box exercise to work out just how paranoid I might be. Feel free to copy the table and play along yourself...

Generally, a person who is paranoid may:
be easily offended	✔
find it difficult to trust others	✔
not cope with any type of criticism	What are you saying?
assign harmful meanings to other people’s remarks	What are you saying?
be always on the defensive	What are you saying?
be hostile, aggressive and argumentative	WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!?!
not be able to compromise	✖ (Everything I do is a compromise.)
assume that people are talking ill of them behind their back	✔✔✔
be overly suspicious – for example, think that other people are lying or scheming to cheat them	✔
not be able to confide in anyone	Well, there’s you guys…
find relationships difficult	✔
consider the world to be a place of constant threat	Isn’t it?
feel persecuted by the world at large	I’m not that important.
believe in unfounded ‘conspiracy theories’	No, I only believe in the true ones.

Not looking good, is it?

Clearly I need to do some more work on this... next week.

Garbage - I Think I'm Paranoid

In conclusion for today though, I haven't had any recent follow-up comments from my blogging bully, even after I started commenting again on the blogs he frequents. Maybe he's got bored with persecuting me... or he's too busy at the moment... or he's had a change of heart and suddenly realised that Barry Manilow is actually great. Who knows? 

I am also prepared to entertain the notion that he never actually had it in for me in the first place, that it was all in my imagination, and that all the negative comments he left as a follow up to my positive ones were purely coincidental. It could just be all in my mind...

The Art of Noise with Max Headroom - Paranoimia

On the other hand, you know what they say: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not all out to get you.

Celebrity Jukebox #14: Joan Fontaine & Olivia de Havilland

Another of George's challenges today. "What about Joan Fontaine (or her equally famous sister)?" 

Well, Joan I had an answer for immediately. Olivia, on the other hand, took some digging.

First, a little background. 

By all accounts, Joan Fontaine and Olivia de Havilland hated each other. Olivia was only 15 months older than Joan, but their feud started in childhood and only ended when they were both dead. Joan died in 2013, aged 96, but Olivia had the last laugh, reaching the grand age of 104 before dying in 2020. It's amazing they both lasted that long, since Joan allegedly fantasised of killing her sister when she was 9, and later broke Olivia's collarbone in a scrap. When they were both nominated for the Best Actress Oscar in 1942 and Joan won, she was convinced her sister would finish her off. 

Who wins the musical tribute contest though?

Well, I did find a contemporary musical artiste called De Havilland, though I can't find out anything about them, including whether they took their name from Olivia or not.

De Havilland - The Disease

Meanwhile, the only lyrical mention I uncovered for Olivia was this rather charming number from Norwegian rock band Major Parkinson...

Seven o'clock the sun is up

And like a bullet in a china shop

In these anachronistic hours of today

The belly of the moon is grey

Now there's nobody here but Fred Astaire

Frank Sinatra, Doris Day

Oh Olivia de Havilland my bride

I'll keep you by my side...

So how does Joan fair in comparison?

Well, you could argue that The Fabulous Fontaines, Richmond Fontaine and Fontaines DC all keep the Fontaine flag flying, but I'm not sure any of them were thinking of Joan when they chose their name.

What about lyrical mentions then?

Well, Flagpole Sittas Harvey Danger don't exactly put her in the best of company...

Once I had a sweetheart;

She kind of looked like Joan Fontaine

She made mediocre art

But had a fascinating brain

Harvey Danger - I Missed It

While Paul's lad has a nicer comparison to make...

She's got the style of Paulette Goddard

And the smile of Joan Fontaine

And she drives a Karmann Ghia

Through the streets of Silver Lake

Harper Simon - Berkeley Girl

But it's neither of these that make Joan the winner. Oh no... it's this little beauty, from another of George's favourites, The Boss. Admittedly, it's from his debut album, before he developed his own lyrical voice and was more into aping Mr. Dylan, but still. We love it anyway.

Hey bus driver, keep the change

Bless your children, give them names

Don't trust men who walk with canes

Drink this and you'll grow wings on your feet

Broadway Mary, Joan Fontaine

Advertiser on a downtown train

Oh, Christmas crier bustin' cane

He's in love again

Saturday Snapshot - The Answers

Extra quick today - it's almost as though you were trying to help me get through my Top 17 of 2017 before next Saturday...


10. Weinstein menace: could this be an appropriate punishment? (A sharp one, obviously.)

Harvey is a danger. We should make him sit on a very sharp flagpole.

Charity Chic googled his way to victory on this one.

Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta

George didn't believe they existed. He obviously never watched Peep Show.

9. Jumbo pantyliners.

My deepest apologies to Sir Thumbsaloft for this one.

Pantyliners, so the adverts keep telling me, come with Wings... "Only the band The Beatles could have been."

Jumbo is a type of jet. D'oh.

Wings - Jet

Alyson got the artist, CC the song.

8. A big twit, fair of face, thinks we all want a truly great Queen song.

A big twit is a berk... or Burke.

Monday's child is fair of face... and Solomon Grundy was born on a Monday.

One of Queen's best songs was Somebody To Love.

Solomon Burke - Somebody To Love

Think Lynchie got this one first.

7. This is what happens when you have John Lydon round for tea. He mucks about with your TV and your stereo.

John Lydon is a daft punk.

Your TV may well be LCD. Your stereo is your sound system.

LCD Soundsystem - Daft Punk Is Playing At My House

C got that, with a little gentle prodding.

6. Da doo one, quick, doctor - there's a Lady playing alternative percussion.

Da doo is obviously followed by Ron Ron.

"Stat!" is what the doctors on ER (or Casualty) shout when they want something quick.

The Beach Boys sang about Lady Lynda.

Alternative percussion might be a different drum.

Well done, Alyson. The early bird gets the worm.

Linda Ronstadt - Different Drum

(Ronstadt is a very difficult name to spell from memory.)

5. Goodbye Lucille goes well with the last song: a very deep fellow.

Goodbye Lucille is a Prefab Sprout song about Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.

A cymbal would go well with Linda's drum.

A very deep fellow would be Mr. Bassman.

Martin has been missed.

Johnny Cymbal - Mr. Bassman

4. Nobody can make a jacket this fast! Even better than Adele.

Nobody can make a jacket faster than a swift tailor.

Adele's first album was called 21.

Alyson worked this one out double-quick.

Taylor Swift - 22

Yes, it's Taylor Swift. Get over it.

3. Bad luck lifts you to this. One day, I won't be here...

If you got in a bad luck lift, you'd probably be taking a Thirteenth Floor Elevator.

When I'm not here, you're gonna miss me...

The Thirteenth Floor Elevators - You're Gonna Miss Me.

Martin's obviously a Hi Fidelity fan.

2.  Metaphorically, it's green. Literally it's mostly brown, orange or purple. But he says it's red. (Somewhere past L.A.)

This one explains itself - well done, C.

Hollywood Beyond - What's The Colour Of Money?

1. Have you got a third of Sgt. Pepper? Affirmative!

One third of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band might be Lonely Heart. Affirmative?

When prog goes 80s...

No Saturday Snapshots next week...

But don't despair, we'll have something a little more festive instead.

My Top Ten Paranoia Songs

I'm not paranoid. I know you're all out to get me.


10. Garbage - I Think I'm Paranoid

Garbage kind of passed me by during the 90s. Listening back now, I should have paid more attention.

9. The National - Afraid of Everyone 

Matt Berninger has little voices swallowing his soul and can't even defend his family with his orange umbrella. What's worse: he doesn't have the drugs to sort it out. 

8.  Barry Andrews - Win A Night Out With A Well-Known Paranoiac

A lost, twisted classic from the ex-XTC Shriekback man. Makes Kafka seem like Jackanory.

7. Art of Noise featuring Max Headroom - Paranoimia

Children of the 80s - be afraid. Be very afraid. Max Headroom is your future.

6. The Kinks - Paranoia, The Destroyer

Or: What happened when Ray took Lola home.

See also the much earlier Acute Schizophrenia Paranoia Blues.

5. Rockwell - Somebody's Watching Me

Rockwell was Berry Gordy's son. Paranoid music fans claim that this was only ever a hit because Michael Jackson sand the chorus. I claim bollocks: the verses are far more entertaining.

When I'm in the shower, I'm afraid to wash my hair
'Cause I might open my eyes and find someone standing there
People say I'm crazy, just a little touched
But maybe showers remind me of Psycho too much

4. Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta

Been around the world and found
That only stupid people are breeding
The cretins cloning and feeding
And I don't even own a TV

You may also recognise this as the theme tune to the appropriately paranoid Peep Show. If you're gonna be a one hit wonder, make it a cracker.

Paranoia, paranoia
Everybody's comin' to get me
Just say you never met me
I'm runnin' underground with the moles
Diggin' holes
Hear the voices in my head
I swear to God it sounds like they're snoring
But if you're bored then you're boring
The agony and the irony, they're killing me, whoa!

3. James - Out To Get You

Insecure? What you gonna do?

I've seen James perform this live a number of times. Never fails to raise the hair on the back of my neck.

2. Black Sabbath - Paranoid

If you weren't paranoid already, Tony Iommi's relentless riff will do the job. As for why Ozzy's so paranoid... wouldn't you be if you were married to Sharon?

1. Radiohead - Paranoid Android

Having already given this the number one spot in my Top Ten Robot Songs, I thought twice about letting it win this battle as well. But in the end, it's Radiohead's Bohemian Rhapsody. I've have been more paranoid about bumping it down to #2. Plus, it's Thom Yorke taking the piss out of his own image - how often does that happen. Recorded in Jane Seymour's house, named after Marvin (my old nickname) from The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy, when I am king you will be first against the wall.

What's that?



See also every single record Morrissey has recorded since The Smiths broke up (and quite a few before that). Far too many to narrow it down to just one choice.

But which one is following you home tonight...?