Emergency Questions #6: Assassination Attempt

Bauhaus - The Sanity Assassin

Back to Richard Herring's Emergency Questions, and this week we're asking for your darkest confessions...

Have you ever had the opportunity to assassinate a public figure?

Now clearly there are a lot of people in this world right now who might want to assassinate a certain orange demagogue... although I'm sure most of us realise that doing so would only make a martyr of him, and that's the last thing anyone wants. Better to let such people die on their own swords, methinks.

Dixie Nightingales - Assassination

I also feel I should clarify that I don't condone murder, even the murder of complete tosspots, and I'm sure none of the good folk who waste precious minutes reading this guff once or twice a week condone it either. Still, there are, I'm sure, some people out there in the world who you definitely feel would be deserving of a good slap. So have you ever been in a position to administer such an admonishment... and had to hold yourself back?

The Builders - Daytime Assassins

I can think of two such occasions...

The first came back in the late 90s when I had the misfortune of going to see Oasis at Sheffield Arena. Now It's no secret that I am not, nor have I ever been, a fan of the Gallagher brothers and their brand of plodding, humourless, psuedo-Beatles Brit-rock. With that in mind, you may well wonder how I ended up at one of their gigs? All I can tell you is that this was during my radio days, the tickets were free, and my mate was a much bigger fan of the Brothers Dim, so I was persuaded that it might be a good ticket to have in my scrapbook. A couple of years earlier, when the lads were just starting out, that might well have been true. However, this was the Be Here Now tour, and all I can remember of that travesty was that they had a red phone booth on the stage. (A little research reveals that even Noel Gallagher now admits Be Here Now was a bag of shite. Whereas Liam says it's his favourite album. Make of that what you will.)

Sea Fruit - Assassin

The support act that day were Travis. Now I know what most of you think of Travis, but let me tell you this: They blew the Swaggerlers off the stage. I can't have been the only one in the audience who thought so. In fact, Liam Gallagher himself even came out to watch them... and herein lies my tale.

Jefferson Starship - Assassin

We had pretty good seats in the arena. Front row, just above the tunnel. There were no seats below us, that area was fenced off for the sound guys. And that's where Liam came to watch Travis. He walked out directly beneath us, stood by the sound desk for a few songs, then mooched back into the tunnel. And this would have been my moment. At the time, I confess (and it's not a particularly nice confession), I briefly considered spitting on his head. It's lucky I didn't have a brick at hand. I mean, imagine if I had... I might have denied the world that Beady Eye record. It doesn't bear thinking about...

Marc Almond - Come in Sweet Assassin

Comedy is a very subjective thing. What I might do a LOL at, you might roll your eyes and breathe a deep sigh. And vice versa. With that in mind, I take on board the idea that some of you might consider the comedian Michael McIntyre worthy of the space he takes up on this earth. I certainly do not.

Charlotte Gainsbourg - Time Of The Assassins

That aside, the one trait I find off-putting in celebrities and commoners alike is arrogance. Hence my disdain for Frank & Betty Gallagher, and the intense irritation I feel whenever I see Michael McIntyre's smug mug on the TV. Imagine then, coming across that detestable countenance in real life. The horror!

Rose of Avalanche - Assassin

Such a thing occurred the last time Louise and I visited That London. This might have been about 15 years ago. We were staying in the leafy borough of Hampstead, and one day were were mooching around the shops when we heard a loud, braying voice in the street behind us. A voice that chilled our blood.

James - Assassin

There he was, the so-called "funny" man himself, large as life, peacocking down the road with his mobile phone pressed to his ear, talking loudly to his agent (or some other amenable sycophant), loud enough so that everyone could hear, so that everyone would look, so that nobody could fail to notice that they were in the presence of "greatness".

Gold Frankincense & Disk Drive - Character Assassinator

I'm not a violent man. I've never thrown a punch in my life. But it's no exaggeration to say that Louise had to physically restrain me that day. McIntyre got off lightly.

Flaming Lips - Assassination Of The Sun

Thank God I've never been in the same room as Bono. I'd be serving ten to life right now. Either that, or somebody would have given me a medal. Maybe both.

Marillion - Assassing

Anyway, there were lots of songs about assassination... but this was today's obvious winner.

Have you ever had the opportunity to assassinate a public figure?

Mid-Life Crisis Songs #123: Sad & Alone

Even though I'm not a football fan, I've been enjoying the show Ted Lasso very much. Louise got bored with it towards the end of the first season, she said it was trying too hard to recreate the "feelgood" tone of Parks & Recreation... and I can see what she means... but I'll take my feelgood anywhere I can get it these days.

Anyway, I finally had time to watch the end of Season 1 over the Easter holiday, and that last episode had me in tears on more than one occasion. I can see perfectly well that the show is emotionally manipulative, but so much TV leaves me feeling absolutely nothing these days, so I think it's worthy of note when something breaks through my cynicism.

There was one line in particular that made me hit pause until I had time to collect myself and carry on watching. It worked in the context of the show, but it spoke to me beyond that... and made me grateful for what I've got.

There is something worse out there than being sad, and that is being alone and sad.

The Beautiful South - Alone

Carly Simon - Alone

The Morning After Girls - Alone

Lee Hazlewood & Suzi Jane Hokom - Alone

Utopia - Alone

Richard Hawley - Alone

The Southlanders - Alone

Marc Almond - Alone

The Bee Gees - Alone

The Mighty Wah - Alone

Snapshots #322: A Top Ten Demon Songs

Hopefully you weren't possessed by the puzzle of yesterday's Snapshots. If you were, allow me to exorcise those demons...

10. Posh London hotel in Mick's Sugar.

Mick sang about Brown Sugar. The posh hotel is the Savoy.

Savoy Brown - Denim Demon

9. Dan dares to fight them.

Dan Dare fought the Mekon.

The Mekons - Calling All Demons

Or...

The Mekons - Demon Horns

8. Tearful Trout.

An Emotional Fish - That Demon Jive

7. Gets her gun, then puts it in a small enclosure affording privacy for one person at a time.

Annie gets her gun and takes it to a booth.

Annie Booth - Demons

6. The Black Hole, Jackie Brown, Breaking Bad.

Three films / TV shows that featured performances by the American actor Robert Forster. This is his namesake from the Go Betweens...

Robert Forster - Demon Days

5. American parade in black & white, with fluctuating weight bloke (not pictured).

The Macy's Parade goes Gray, with a slim fatboy.

Fatboy Slim featuring Macy Gray - Demons

4. Magnificent mammals.

Super Furry Animals - Demons

3. Poe's first musical group got smuggled aboard.

The band belonging to Edgar Allen Poe gets brought on board.

Edgar Broughton Band - Out, Demons, Out

A Top 40 hit (just!) in 1970.

2. Milk, butter, marzipan.

All can be made from Almonds.

Marc Almond - Demon Lover

1. Our Sat quiz: always here to turn you around.

"Our Sat quiz" was an anagram for...

Suzi Quatro - Daytona Demon

Be a demon and join me again next Saturday...

Memory Mixtape #24: Jack Frost

Icicles hang on the windowpane

The blizzard blows

It's frozen over again

Sarah Nixey - Frost At Midnight

It's not the best photograph I've ever taken, certainly not one I'd submit to John's monthly Photo Challenge, but as soon as I saw this icy pattern on our bathroom skylight yesterday morning, my mind raced back to what must be my very earliest memory.

Chapterhouse - Frost

I had to explain the frost patterns to Sam as he's rarely seen them. With double glazing and better central heating, they're much less common than they were when we were kids. Google search "frost on windows" and you'll find all kinds of doomsayers telling you your house is about to collapse through poor insulation and frigid entropy... they have to spoil everything, don't they?

Adam Fromm - Frost

My earliest memory is of frosty patterns on my mum's bedroom window. I remember lying in my cot (that's how young I was!), looking up at the patterns and thinking I could see frosty faces staring back at me from the glass. It was dark, but I also remember a red toy fire engine nearby, so perhaps it was just after Christmas.

Marc Almond - The Frost Of Tomorrow

My mind has held onto this image, and the feelings attached to it (warmth, security... but also a fingertip of icy fear) for almost 50 years. But is it really still a memory? Or is it just the memory of a memory? Do I remember it now because I've remembered it before? 

Kate Rusby - Little Jack Frost

John Barry - Get Lost, Jack Frost

Maybe that's just how memories last. The ones we don't keep remembering eventually fade away completely, like frost on the windowpane. As I get older, that'll probably happen more and more. Important to write them down then, to preserve them for as long as I can read this.

Saturday Snapshots #152: The Answers

If your Basic Instinct on a Sunday is to check the answers to Saturday Snapshots, then let no Stone go unturned (or, erm, uncrossed). Here they are...



10. Pestered tarts refuse to reveal their location.

"Pestered tarts" is an unfortunate anagram for Peter Sarstedt.

With your carefully designed topless swimsuit

You get an even suntan on your back... and on your legs

Peter Sarstedt - Where Do You Got To, My Lovely?

9. Vincent is on the ball... hoping they believe our kung fu lie.

Vincent Van... er Goey... with Zoe Ball? Yeah, that was a bit of a stretch.

Zoey Van Goey - You Told The Drunks I Knew Karate

8. Dressing gown's child worn by son of King.

A robe's son...?

Stephen King's son is called Joe Hill.

Paul Robeson - Joe Hill

What a voice.

7. A White Russian is prescribed to make you better.

A White Russian, as any Lebowski fan will know, is a mixture of milk and alcohol.

Doctors may prescribe one to make you feel good.

Dr. Feelgood - Milk & Alcohol

6. Scummy bunch pay tribute to the ones above.

Mötley Crüe - Dr. Feelgood

(See what I did there?)

5. Berkley square singer reaches Peake... then returns to the womb.

A nightingale sang in Berkley Square, obviously. Alongside Maxine Peak.

Maxine Nightingale - Right Back Where We Started From

4. Released after providing sustenance for Clangers.

The Clangers were fed by The Soup Dragon.

The Soup Dragons - I'm Free

3. I don't answer to Roland, Stinging T.

Roland is not my name. (It's Rolston, if you must know.)

Stinging T is an anagram.

The Ting Tings - That's Not My Name

2. A right lowdown uni 3. Breaststroke ditty.

"A right lowdown uni" is an anagram. 3 = III.

Loudon Wainwright III - The Swimming Song

1. Nut does Walker.

Marc Almond sings a Scott Walker song. And does a top job of it.



You may Totally Recall that Saturday Snapshots will be back next week.

My Top Ten Scott Walker Songs

Reams will have been written over the past 48 hours about the importance of Scott Walker and his contribution to popular music. From my own perspective, Scott produced 4 peerless solo albums in the late 60s, often featuring what I consider to be the definitive versions of songs by Jacques Brel, but also a strong mix of his own compositions. These four albums played a strong part in the musical landscape of my 20s when my tastes began widening beyond the mainstream. Before that, he produced a run of classic hit singles with the Walker Brothers (not forgetting their 70s revival). After that, he went a bit weird. I tried with albums Tilt and The Drift, but ultimately found them hard going... a bit too experimental. I kept meaning to go back and give them another try, and maybe one day I will.

However, later in his career, when Walker was much in demand as a producer, he brought a glorious orchestral glow to one of my favourite albums of the noughties: We Love Life, the final album by Pulp. I reckon Jarvis owes a lot more than just that to Scott though.

Scott Walker was a classy gent, a unique vocalist, a reclusive figure of mystery and wonder. He could have been a much bigger pop star, but chose a different road. He'll live longer in our memories because of that.

Here are ten of my favourite Scott Walker performances...


10. Make It Easy On Yourself

Let's start with a little Bacharach & David shall we? And drench it in glorious despair...

9. It's Raining Today

Look up melancholy in the dictionary... and wait for the flourish of the string section just before the two minute mark. Classical composition tricks in a "pop" song... and lyrics that redefine heartbreak.

8. Mathilde

If I understood French, I may appreciate Brel's original versions more. I can listen to them and enjoy them, but the translated lyrics brings these tunes to life for me. That said, I still think Scott's performance and production heightens the drama and comedy of even the Brel originals. Walker +  Brel = wow.

7. Mrs. Murphy

A complete kitchen sink melodrama in under 4 minutes - performed with the conviction of an operatic aria. This was one of Scott's earliest compositions... and Jarvis was taking notes.

6. Montague Terrace (In Blue)

When he chose to write the tunes himself, Noel Scott Engel could give as good as Brel... or any of the other classic songwriters he chose to interpret. Lyrics such as these would only work with Scott Walker's utter conviction of delivery...

His bloated belching figure stomps
He may crash through the ceiling soon
The window sees trees cry from cold
And claw the moon

And then cue the orchestra!

5. Lights of Cincinatti

Sorry. Something in my eye. I bet Jimmy Webb liked this one.

4. If You Go Away

Brel rewritten by Rod McKuen. Recorded by Frank Sinatra, Shirley Bassey, Dusty Springfield, Tom Jones... but none of them know heartbreak like Scott does.

3. No Regrets

The Walker Brothers 70's comeback song. It was like Scott saying: look, I can still do hit records in my sleep. Now leave me alone!

But he had No Regrets...

2. Jackie

This could have been my Number One. Jacques Brel's finest - and funniest - composition given its definitive reading. Yes, the Marc Almond version is great, but I'm sure even Marc would agree that Scott had it nailed.

And if one day I should become
A singer with a Spanish bum
Who sings for women of great virtue
I'd sing to them with a guitar
I borrowed from a coffee bar
Well, what you don't know doesn't hurt you

1. The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore

The ultimate feel-good heartbreak song. Belt it out like you won't be here tomorrow... and always remember the Alan Rickman / Juliet Stevenson version.



I could easily have gone another ten. Which of your favourites have I missed out?

Mid-Life Crisis Songs #33: Yesterday, When I Was Young

I had one of those moments yesterday. One of the moments when you realise something about your life.

Yesterday, when I was young

The taste of life was sweet as rain upon my tongue

I teased at life as if it were a foolish game

The way the evening breeze may tease a candle flame

The thousand dreams I dreamed, the splendid things I planned

I always built to last on weak and shifting sand

I lived by night and shunned the naked light of the day

And only now I see how the years ran away

I have been a part of the working world now for 30 years. I started my first job (as detailed here in my early Radio Song posts) when I was 16. I've been working for 30 years, and I've probably got another 20 to go.

Yesterday, when I was young

So many happy songs were waiting to be sung

So many wild pleasures lay in store for me

And so much pain my dazzled eyes refused to see

I ran so fast that time and youth at last ran out

I never stopped to think what life was all about

And every conversation I can now recall

Concerned itself with me and nothing else at all

This all coincided with hearing a song on the radio that I hadn't heard in years. The song has been recorded by many people, and has kept cropping up in my record collection over the years. Here are just a few of the versions out there...

Glen Campbell version

Dusty Springfield version

Marc Almond version

Shirley Bassey version

Roy Clarke version

It was, of course, originally written by Charles Aznavour, under the French title Hier Encore (Yesterday Again). The lyrics were translated into English by Herbert Kretzmer (the man who wrote the lyrics to Les Miserables) and the song was re-recorded by Aznavour... who also apparently recorded versions in Italian, Danish, Spanish, Japanese and Finnish. Or so says iffypedia, and who am I to doubt? The reason I heard it played on the radio was obviously as a tribute to the man Terry Wogan always used to affectionately call "Charles Az-no-voice", but hearing it again yesterday, I might as well have been hearing it for the first time.

Yesterday the moon was blue

And every crazy day brought something new to do

I used my magic age as if it were a wand

And never saw the waste and emptiness beyond

The game of love I played with arrogance and pride

And every flame I lit too quickly, quickly died

The friends I made all seemed somehow to drift away

And only I am left on stage to end the play

30 years in the world of work, another 20 to go. The thing is, I'm terrified of the prospect of another 20 years as a teacher. I've only been in the job seven or eight years, but it gets harder and more pressured every year. I'm aware that in another 20 years I'll look back and wish I was 46 again rather than 66... just as I wish I was 26 again, knowing what I know now. And 46 may well actually be the best years of my life, because I'm getting to watch Sam grow up and nothing else in my life has even come close to that. I'm trying to cling onto that, to appreciate every moment of it, because I know how fast it will go and the loneliness that will follow... I just wish everything else was easier so I could appreciate it more.

There are so many songs in me that won't be sung

I feel the bitter taste of tears upon my tongue

The time has come for me to pay for

Yesterday, when I was young

Still, we'll always have Charles. RIP, sir. Thanks for the song...

My Top Ten Bette Davis Songs

I've been very much enjoying the series Feud: Bette & Joan which ran on TV over Christmas. Great to see 60s America recreated so faithfully and the performances by Susan Sarandon, Jessica Lange and Alfred Molina were terrific. Stanley Tucci was hilarious as Jack Warner too. Of the two, Sarandon's Bette Davis probably comes out best, being shown as both the better actress and the more sympathetic human being (most of the time).

Not done an Actory Top Ten for awhile, so here's ten songs about Bette and her films...


10. Rod Stewart - Baby Jane

Well, we've got to start with this one, haven't we? As seen in Feud, Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? was the film that cemented the rivalry between Bette and Joan.

Some debate on t'internet as to whether Rod's song has anything to do with the movie... and quite a lot of old Rod The Mod fans bemoaning his 80s ouvre, of which this is seen as a particularly irksome entry. You can have the Belle & Sebastian version if you prefer. Or perhaps a completely different Baby Jane from Dr. Feelgood.

9. The Gaslight Anthem - Mae

There's an argument to be had that Brian Fallon hasn't had an original idea in his life, but everybody loves Noel Gallagher for the same crime, so cut The Gaslight Anthem a break...

Stay the same, don’t ever change
'Cause I’d miss your ways
With your Bette Davis eyes
And your mama's party dress

8. Al Stewart - Next Time

Not the first time Al has cropped up here name-dropping famous actresses. Probably won't be the last.

When you were just a kid you loved
To go to movies in the afternoon
And so you left the factory
And got a job in the projection-room
Bette Davis plays
Ran away with the passing days
You'll be a movie-star
Next time

7. Good Charlotte - Silver Screen Romance

Hit the chorus, lads...!

You're my Bette Davis I'm your Cary Grant
Let's make love all night don't get up at the prohibition
The big depression's over lets have a drink to them
We'll stay young forever living in our silver screen romance

(It's gonna be harder to do my Cary Grant Top Ten now.)

6. Marc Almond - My Love

Hilarious lyrics from Marc on this whole song... and just watch the way he performs the Bette Davis lines in the video: perfect!

My love
Likes tattoos in biro
Love bites and lager
And long menthol fags
My love
Smokes like Bette Davis
In short... 
Vicious... 
Drags.

5. Iggy Pop - Get Up & Get Out

Turns out Iggy was part of the whole #metoo movement almost 40 years before the rest of the world. This is from 1980!

I'm wondering fellas if you've heard the news
The chicks are sick and tired of being abused
Now I saw all this on the wide screen
You know that chick Bette Davis split right out of the scene

4. Dire Straits - Industrial Disease

Leave your Dire Straits prejudices at the door, please.

Sociologists invent words that mean 'Industrial Disease'
Doctor Parkinson declared 'I'm not surprised to see you here
You've got smokers cough from smoking, brewer's droop from drinking beer
I don't know how you came to get the Bette Davis knees
But worst of all young man you've got Industrial Disease

3. The Wedding Present - All About Eve

Nothing to do with the movie, more about the year Davd Gedge spent in South Africa as a child and his memories of Apartheid. Of course, All About Eve also gave its name to these guys. Bette's legacy lives on!

2. Bob Dylan - Desolation Row

Undeniably great. (Though I also like the My Chemical Romance version.)

Cinderella, she seems so easy 
"It takes one to know one," she smiles 
And puts her hands in her back pockets 
Bette Davis style 
And in comes Romeo, he's moaning, 
"You belong to Me I Believe" 
And someone says, "You're in the wrong place, my friend. You better leave" 
And the only sound that's left 
After the ambulances go 
Is Cinderella sweeping up 
On Desolation Row.

1. Kim Carnes - Bette Davis Eyes

The obvious #1, though I'm sure it'll be shunned as "too 80s" by many. You may prefer Jackie DeShannon's original... though it's a VERY different song. For a hipper "indie" version, try the Sexton Blake cover or this rather over-produced version by My Gold Mask. I'm sure it's been covered by a dozen other people, but those are the only ones to make it into my collection.

Kim Carnes is worth another post sometime though. Known to most people in the UK as a one hit wonder, her career actually stretches from the late 60s through to the present day, and her Best Of collection shows a lot of interesting work over that time. Try Gypsy Honeymoon as a taster, it might change your idea of her.



Think I can't follow that with a Joan Crawford Top Ten. Go on, dare me!

My Top Ten Tribute To Molly Part 1: Cat Songs

We lost an important member of our family yesterday. Molly the cat... silky ears, twitching whiskers, inquisitive meow (not to mention a full-on demanding MOWRRRR at meal times).

I loved how you thought you were a human, not a silly cat. How you'd talk back. How you'd show workmen round the house and offer your opinion. How you'd never quite settle down, and if you did, that's when the claws would come out, milking us for warmth. How sometimes you'd sit with your tongue peeping out. How loud you could purr.

There are so many Molly stories I could tell. You were such an incredible character. The time you reached out through a barely open bedroom window and pulled in a bird. (That jingling collar we had to buy you must have sounded like the Jaws theme to the local avian gangs.) The way you just had to find a carpeted area to puke furballs onto: a nice, easy to clean kitchen floor was never good enough. The way you made me feel welcome in Louise's house the first time I visited. You were one of the friendliest cats I ever met. It was amusing watching neighbours and schoolkids stop outside the house to give you a stroke on their way home.

Many more stories, but I'm filling up at the typewriter so... another time, Mols.

I'll especially miss going out last thing at night to find you (usually scavenging round the back door of the nearby hotel, where you'd managed to sweet-talk the kitchen staff into feeding you scraps), then carrying you home on my shoulder, purring, claws catching in my jumper.


10.  Sonic Youth - Purr

I love you baby yeah, you're superfine
A-claw me down, too
A purring, whirring, fuzzy like today
Switching sunlight
I chase you kitten, catch you every time
Funny how it flies

9. Marc & The Mambas - Boss Cat

Molly was certainly the boss round here...

Mee-ow, oh wow!
Mee-ow, oh wow!
Mee-ow, oh wow!
Mee-ow, oh wow!

8. Paul Heaton - Life Of A Cat

Oh, for the life of a cat!

7. Squeeze - Cool For Cats

Not really about cats at all, but Molly was definitely too cool for school.

6. Ray Charles & Hank Williams Jr. - Two Old Cats Like Us

We've been down a whole lot of alleys
Shook a whole lot of cans
There ain't too much about prowlin' or howlin'
That we don't understand

Had a few doors slammed on our tails
We've been kicked and cussed
But everything's cool for two old cats like us

5. Colin Clary - Meow Meow

Excuse the early Christmas song, but this one always makes me think of Molly. This song's for life, not just for Christmas.

4. Billy Joel - Cat

Very early, very jazzy Billy. But so many of the lyrics are spot on...

She walks with a grace of a lion
Her eyes are the color of a shade gleam
She takes her pleasure in the nighttime
Absolutely unconcerned about anything

She’s a cat and she's as free as the wind
You never know what kind of trouble she’s in
She’s a cat
Rest assured that she doesn’t need you

3. Elvis Costello - Pads, Paws & Claws

Maybe Elvis's song isn't about an actual cat, but Molly was certainly a feline tormenter and she definitely did the pads, paws and claws routine.

2. Prefab Sprout - Farmyard Cat

But you can be the feline elite and still go scrounging scraps down a dead end street, Paddy.

I'll be back to talk in more detail about this song some other time.

1. The Cure - Love Cats

So wonderfully
Wonderfully
Wonderfully
Wonderfully
Pretty...

My Top Ten Molly Songs will follow very soon, obviously...