To celebrate this collection of songs about things we call the cops, I asked Steve McGarrett to pose for a Snapshot. He may not be my favourite policeman, but he does have the best theme tune...
Here are some more tunes that are Top of the Cops...
We're back with some more song titles that caught my attention recently... and another pop star who likes watching grown men knock the crap out of each other.
Mr. Zimmerman is a huge boxing fan: he was close to Muhammad Ali, wrote The Hurricane about the tragic story of Rubin Carter, and once even sparred with Ray 'Boom Boom' Mancini. He's also written a bunch of song titles that have passed into common parlance, though the misanthropes among us will always pick this as a favourite...
Egg came from That London in the late 60s, featuring organist Dave Stewart (not that one), Hugo Martin Montgomery "Dirk" (or "Mont", depending on which way the wind was clowing) Campbell and Clive Brooks. They were Prog.
The Name were active between '79 and '81, though unsurprisingly, they failed to get much airplay for the single above, even when they changed the title to remove the swears. That might work for Cee-Lo, but sadly not these guys...
As usual, we close with a brand new song. The Reds, Pinks & Purples are a band Martin brought to my attention recently, a band who clearly grew up listening to far too many records by The Smiths (as did Martin and I, to be fair). This is their latest offering, described thus:
"Crystalizing the tragic self-celebrating kingdoms of fortunate failures, false heroes, music press deities of limitless deceit, hometown dive gods and humanity in the grips of all its romanticized wonder and woe..."
But don't let that put you off, it's got a great title and a catchy tune...
You really didn't need the extra clue of Marlene Dietrich yesterday, did you? So you definitely won't need Claudia Schiffer, above. Still, they are both famous Germans. And here are ten (some famous, some not so) songs about Germany. Das ist gut!
Interesting noise. I like it when the bass comes in.
"I also have an album called 27 Passports by The Ex. There is no title track and, as far as I can recall, no lyrical reference to the number 27 on any track, so I'm guessing that this doesn't really count?"
Probably not. But we can hear the full album on that link.
Alyson & C appeared next, not with a song, but a rather more morbid link to The 27 Club, a list of artists who tragically died at that very young age, including...
New to me, that lot, Jim. They don't pass because the 27 is a band not a song (see The Swede's SEctor 27 suggestion above). However, I don't disqualify years anymore. So you could have had this...
He put a spell on some poor little Crutchfield girl
And stayed like that for 27 seven years
As for your third suggestion... we'll come back to that.
Last week I said I was certain I knew what Martin's suggestion would be. But I reckon Martin was too busy preparing for his Land's End to John O'Groats bike ride to make the suggestion. (Wouldn't it be easier to do it the other way round? Surely there's more down-hill if you start in the Highlands?) Here's what I thought you were going to suggest anyway...
The other thing I pondered last week was where our Canadian pal Douglas had got to. Holiday? Sadly not...
"For the record, I have not in fact been on holiday, but rather on strike. I am a teacher in the province of Ontario, Canada, and we are currently in the midst of troubled contract negotiations with the government over quality of education issues, and have been so for a while now, I regret to report.
Much to my surprise and chagrin, I have discovered that standing in a picket line in the midst of a Canadian winter is in fact not much like a holiday at all. The occasional cheery mid-finger salute from passing cars, the cheap coffee roasting on an open fire, the magically diminishing pay-checks as we prepare for the Yuletide season...very festive those.
But as we have gone from province wide strikes to rotating board-by-board strikes as of today, I had a chance to look in, and after being inspired immediately to think of "Never Had No One Ever", I realized that I was, sadly, late to the game, and it had been taken! (So perhaps in the spirit of having a horse in the game for that song, I will bypass the obvious Smith's version (perhaps the fact that a certain singer seems to be persona non grata in some quarters at the moment will mean a second-stringer may get a chance off the bench?) and suggest Billy Bragg's cover?
Other than that, I place my real serious cash down on John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High", which of course opens with some delightfully contradictory lyrics...
And I am going big money on this bet as I am confident I am on to a winner; I did my research once again, and discovered that on a certain 10th of May in 2018, Mr John Denver placed 1st in a Top Ten list with a different song, "Leaving On A Jet Plane", so I am hoping there is a soft spot there for all things Denver.
Now, back to the "job action" (and what a delightful term that is!)."
Firstly, you have my sympathy - and solidarity, Douglas. As a teacher myself - and one constantly under attack - I wish you every success in your action. Even though, realistically, we're all doomed.
As to your suggestions... can I come back to those too?
First, the inevitable trawl through my own hard-drive...
And to be honest, I'm really torn this week. The Queen Is Dead is still my favourite album of the 80s. But Never Had No One ever is probably the bleakest song on there, and do we really need more misery this week?
Rocky Mountain High, meanwhile, is a fine entry from Mr. Denver... but can I really choose it over The Smiths, even in the era of Mozaggedon?
Probably not. But it was closer than you'd think...
Next week - the final letter of the alphabet. #26. Go!
Hard to believe it's been nearly two years since I last did a list of Stalker songs. But pop stars just keep stalking... or getting stalked. Here are the first two entries...
I always quite like Busted for what they were: silly guitar pop for teens. I was too old by the time they came around to really be a fan, but fifteen years earlier I'd probably have had all their records.
I didn't realise how creepy this song was until I heard them on the radio recently doing an acoustic version of it. I like them a little bit more now.
Hard to believe this hasn't featured here already. I guess I've been holding on to it. As if the song wasn't scary enough, the video takes it to a whole other level.
1. The Go-Betweens - Eight Pictures
Very creepy song in which Robert Forster follows a lady around taking photos of her to prove her infidelity... I've been listening to a fair bit of early Go-Betweens lately, and this one jumped out at me.
I shot you with my camera Caught you making love with him And I shot you with my camera Caught you doing things with him And you can't complain You can't cry 'Cause cameras never lie
Three volumes of this and you probably think I'm a stalker.
No, I'm merely an observer or other people's foibles.
Rumoured to be based on a WWI marching song, the hit version was written by the two Rogers: British songwriters Cook & Greenaway. There was no Whistling Jack Smith, and some debate over who actually did the whistling. On the album version, someone shouts "Oi!" near the end, but this was "cleaned up" for the single release and changed to "Hey!" instead.
Those crazy 60s also brought us The Royal Guardsman - Snoopy Vs. The Red about Baron von Richthofen, Germany's infamous Red Baron airman. Charlie Brown's cartoon pooch Snoopy often imagined himself fighting The Red Baron in the war.
Definitely the scariest song on this list... perhaps because (unlike Metallica's usual fare) it's a million miles away from the sunshiny pop of She's Not There.
Written by Scots-Aussie Eric Bogle (whose other big WWI tune was The Green Fields of France), but Shane and the boys did the definitive version for me...
When I was a young man I carried my pack
And I lived the free life of a rover
From the Murray's green basin to the dusty outback
I waltzed my Matilda all over
Then in nineteen fifteen my country said, "Son
It's time to stop rambling 'cause there's work to be done"
So they gave me a tin hat and they gave me a gun
And they sent me away to the war
And the band played Waltzing Matilda
As we sailed away from the quay
And amidst all the tears and the shouts and the cheers
This is a World War I song.
World War I fascinates me because it was such a shock to the world.
Nothing before or since has come close.
It was a horrible, horrible event.
It was modern weaponry and cavalry and then tanks.
They fought for four years over a hundred yards, some ridiculously small amount of ground.
It's the stupidest event in history.
This is one of those songs that I just can't sing - it's right in one of the cracks in my range.
So we did it to approximate what a recording of that era would sound like.
I know Mitchell's going to get blamed in some review for using all these effects, but we did it because I simply can't sing the thing.
1. The Farm - Altogether Now
I was nineteen when this record came out and I had no idea what it was about. I guess I just didn't listen to the lyrics...
Remember boy that your forefather's died
Lost in millions for a country's pride
But they never mention the trenches of Belgium
When they stopped fighting and they were one
A spirit stronger than war was at work that night
December 1914 cold, clear and bright
Countries' borders were right out of sight
When they joined together and decided not to fight
All together now
All together now
All together now, in no man's land
The same old story again
All those tears shed in vain
Nothing learned and nothing gained
Only hope remains
All together now
All together now
All together now
In no man's land
The boys had their say they said no
Stop the slaughter let's go home, let's go, let's go
Compiling my Top Ten Instrumental TV Themes was a pretty easy job. Most of you agreed with at least some of them. Much harder has been the long hours of consideration I've given my Top Ten Sung TV Themes. It'll probably prove a far more divisive list too. But as with everything else on this blog, it's just one man's opinion, reflecting my age and youthful viewing habits, and I don't claim it to be worth any more than the cyberspace it's written on.
To make the job easier, I had to draw up a few rules...
1) Only original compositions were allowed, i.e. songs that were written and recorded specifically for the show. So I haven't allowed the theme to The Sopranos (Alabama 3) or The Wire (Tom Waits) or The Wonder Years (Joe Cocker) or True Detective (The Handsome Family) much as I might like the songs in question.
2) No kids' TV shows - I might save those for a separate list. The hardest thing of all was banning the Spider-Man theme tune from this list.
(Maybe I'll do a Top Ten for each of the above one day.)
I rejected the following memorable theme tunes because...
The Protectors : Avenues & Alleyways is a great Tony Christie romp, but it's absolutely the only thing I remember about this show... and then I discovered it was produced by Gerry Anderson, which I'm afraid was a mark against it. At least it didn't feature puppets.
M*A*S*H* Though I remember it as the sung version of Suicide is Painless, they only ever used the instrumental on TV.
Ditto Twin Peaks, which Julee Cruise only sang in the show, never on the opening credits.
All of which leaves me with this rather odd collection. A few of these I would count as great TV shows. The rest were nowhere near as good as their theme songs...
While many of my schoolmates were big fans of The Dukes of Hazzard, I never really got the appeal. You can't argue with a Waylon Jennings theme tune though, composed specially for the show.
Goodbye grey skies, hello blue... if ever there was a show that convinced us 50s America was as good as it got, Happy Days was it. Eyyyyyy!
The theme song had a rather convoluted history. Written by film & TV composers Gimble & Fox, it was originally recorded by session musician Jim Haas, although for the show's first two seasons the song was only used on the closing credits: Bill Haley's Rock Around The Clock was the opener. By the time I started watching the show regularly, Happy Days the song was all-encompassing. It was re-recorded and became a hit record for Pratt & McClain. Then Fonzie jumped over a shark on water skis and it was all over.
I vaguely remember watching this cheesy superhero action comedy on a Saturday morning when I was a kid, but even though I only saw a few episodes, the theme tune really stuck in my head. Up until compiling this post, I was under the mistaken belief that the song was composed and performed by John Sebastian of The Lovin' Spoonful, but it turns out it was actually written by A Team composer Mike Post (with lyrics by Stephen Geyer) and sung by Joey Scarbury.
(John Sebastian sang the theme to Welcome Back, Kotter... a great song, but I don't remember that show ever airing in the UK.)
I've written before about my deep love of Moonlighting, and how it led me to buy my first ever single. Al Jarreau's theme tune sounds very 80s soul now, but it's impossible for me to hear it without remembering my obsession.
Around the time of the late Garry Shandling's pre-Larry Sanders sitcom, I was really into postmodernism. I was a teenager. It was a phase. Anyway, I found much to appreciate about a sitcom character who knew he was in a TV show - knowledge he didn't share with his supporting cast. The theme tune reflected this perfectly...
"This is the theme to Garry's show, the opening theme to Garry's show, this is the music that you hear as you watch the credits..."
The one that blurs the rules a little bit. Was it a pop song? Was it a hit record? Were they actually a group? Does it matter? The Monkees were brilliant.
"Write the theme tune, sing the theme tune..." What a true Renaissance Man was Dennis Waterman. Really though, if you want a theme tune to get you revved up for a big night out, it's hard to beat a good strong blast of "I could be so good for you!"
When I first heard this theme, I scoured the net for Randy Newman's original, convinced there must be a full length version out there to enjoy. Apparently not, 90 seconds is all you get.
People think I'm crazy, 'cause I worry all the time If you paid attention, you'd be worried too You better pay attention Or this world we love so much might just kill you I could be wrong now, but I don't think so It's a jungle out there
Once upon a time, I almost convinced myself I was a cross between Adrian Monk and Gregory House (whose dull Massive Attack theme failed to make either list). Yes, I was 'Mouse'. But certainly not 'Hunk'.
Monk wasn't a big hit in the UK, but it lasted 8 series in the States and I watched them all, wherever the BBC buried it in the schedules. It was easygoing, feelgood TV at its best. Monk was a genius detective who nobody took seriously because he was seriously OCD - this was a high concept pitch (Sherlock Holmes meets Rain Man with a splash of Columbo) that hit gold through Tony Shalhoub's sensitive, layered performance. I still miss it.
Cheers remains my all time favourite sitcom - because it was the bar where everybody knew your name. There's a theory that great British sitcoms involve situations no one would ever want to be in, and all the characters want to escape from - whereas great American sitcoms are exactly the opposite. Who wouldn't want a bar like Cheers at the end of their street? Anytime you liked, you could pop in for a cold one, share a friendly greeting with Woody, talk shit with Norm and Cliff, watch Sam hitting on some babe or squabbling with Diane or Rebecca, hear Frasier spouting his pompous opinions... and just feel welcome. "You wanna go where you can see troubles are all the same..." Don't you?
I probably have more affection for The Fall Guy than is healthy. Is that down to Lee Majors and his sardonic eyebrow? Douglas 'Howie Munson' Barr and his unique brand of tree trunk acting? Heather Thomas, who stirred many a pre-adolescent boy in strange and unprecedented ways?
Or could it all come down to this song...?
Well I'm not the kind to kiss and tell
but I've been seen with Farrah.
I've never been with anything less than a nine, so fine.
I've been on fire with Sally Field
gone fast with a girl named Bo.
But somehow they just don't end up as mine.
It's a death defying life I lead I take my chances.
I'd die for a living in the movies and TV.
But the hardest thing I ever do is watch my leading ladies
kiss some other guy while I'm bandaging my knee.
I might fall from a tall building
I might role a brand new car.
'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman
who made Redford such a star.
I never spent much time in school but I taught ladies plenty.
It's true I hire my body out for pay. Hey Hey!
I've gotten burned over Cheryl Tiegs
blown up for Raquel Welch.
But when I wind up hittin' the hay, it's only hay. Hey Hey!
