Teacher Songs #9: Chemistry Class

Semisonic - Chemistry

My high school Chemistry teacher was Mr. Dowling. He also taught Maths. He looked like Doctor Emmett Brown from Back To The Future.

Elvis Costello - Chemistry Class

That's all you need to know, really. I got a B in Chemistry, despite having very little interest in Science. I put that entirely down to him.

Today's post was just an excuse to play this video...

Conversations With Ben #14: Mr. Blobby & The Super Gonorrhea

Rol: One of my greatest musical heroes just died.

Ben: The man who wrote the Mr Blobby song?

Robert Blobbert?

Obviously.

I always imagined it was BBC interns in the Blobby suit that Edmonds played some weird fetish game with by making them wear the suit...

Who was the death?

Jim Steinman.

The Footloose guy? Wasn't that the other day?

I only saw it today. He didn't write Footloose. That was Kenny Loggins. He did write Holding Out For A Hero, but that's a lesser work. He also wrote all the good Meat Loaf songs, plus Total Eclipse of the Heart and some stuff that Celine Dion murdered, but was done far better by others.

Chuck Berry + Phil Spector + Springsteen + Wagner + a shameless sense of melodrama and hyperbole = Jim Steinman.

Wagner as in...?

Or Wagner as in...?

Richard.

Seems like it could be a little of both, actually.

I think that's a fair point.

Did I ever tell you about how one of my old best mate's girlfriend's parents were Rod Stewart and Tina Turner tribute acts? Big ones.

They had a house in Penistone. One of the massive ones on the river.

We used to stay over a lot. They were really nice and loved hosting us all the time. They had a recording studio in their garden where they, and other tribute acts would record. 

One of the most surreal moments in my life is waking up, hungover, walking into their kitchen and seeing Rod Stewart, Marc Bolan and Meatloaf smoking weed.

Sounds like that Pulp video...

I don't think I've ever seen the video. I thought it was the video to Disney Time. No idea why.

And now I remember that Disney Time is on Cocker's solo album.

I'd forgotten that track completely.

Some forgettable tunes on that album. Especially when it starts with the swagger of Don't Let Him Waste Your Time. It definitely trails off.

Maybe. I love that final Pulp album though.

It's the one I've listened to the least. Listening priority in order: This Is Hardcore, His N Hers, Different Class, PULP. Does anybody even count the first two?

By Pulp do you mean Intro?

There were 4 albums before Intro / HnH. All contain interesting material, but not up to later standards.

Fairground is a terrible song and that's all I can think about with their old stuff.

Separations is the best of the early albums. Countdown, My Legendary Girlfriend in particular.

For me, We Love Life is the perfect coda to their career. I love TIH (favourite album of 90s) but I prefer that they went out on a happy note.

Scott Walker too. Pop sensibilities SW, not mad old hermit making unlistenable twaddle SW. Quite an achievement.

First text from the boss this morning came through at 6.20.

Tell her to leave you alone. That is not just not on, it's absolutely pathetic.

I have.

Send her an envelope full of flour. Make her think it's ricin or anthrax.

She'd only ring me up and ask her what I thought she should do with it.

Well, this week's Taskmaster should hopefully cheer you up. A very funny one.

One word.

Casserole.

I await the vague upward curl at the edge of my mouth.

In reply, Ben sends the following video...

I think that's the least hip song you've ever sent me. I respect that.

No. That would be this one...

I found this record in a shop years ago. And I'm still not positive that Tennille is not actually attracted to muskrats.

Nah. Captain & Tennille are acceptable kitsch.

That song should never be acceptable. And The Cap is a prick.

*Was* a prick

I didn't realise you knew him.

We used to go to the same milk bar.

I've never been able to hear Secret Smile in the same way since someone told me it was a metaphor for a vagina.

That's uncomfortable.

Maybe you're mixing it up with the film, Teeth?

Was that the Barry Gibb biopic?

That's what I thought I was settling down for...

That film would have been even scarier if her nether regions had Barry Gibb's face. And maybe a big medallion and huge white collars.

That needs to be optioned as soon as possible.

My Saturday night treat this week is my Covid jab.

Well, you're lucky. I'm still here without one.

Just got down to the under 50s. But I thought you might have been fast tracked because of your history.

Nah. That'd involve competence at a national level.

Maybe they have you down as an insurgent. You'll be last on the list, after Putin's undercover agents.

On a more positive side of all that, last year this week I was sat gasping for breath walking up stairs. Today I ran 10k for the first time in my life.

Marathon next?

I think I'm going to try for a half marathon next year. Maybe Manchester, which is flat compared to Sheffield.

Rol replies with the following image... which Ben chooses to ignore.

I wish I could grow a 'tache like that man in the background.

I have a weird obsession with middle age men and moustaches.

My hair is too blonde otherwise I would definitely just have a 'tache.

Has to be like an 80s businessman 'tache, though.

When I was a child, I used to watch the Thin Blue Line. I was too young to understand it but it had Mr Bean and I liked the moustache man.

That's a real generation gap thing. For my generation, Mr Bean was a betrayal of Blackadder, and we never forgave Atkinson.

My early years were spent watching the Three Stooges, Tom and Jerry, Looney Tunes etc, so Mr Bean was right up my alley. As was Baldy Man.

I had to Google Baldy Man. Never knew he had a TV show. I only remember the Hamlet ad.

I don't remember much of it, just that I used to find it hilarious.

I miss the Hamlet ads. When I was a little, my dad smoked cigars. I loved the smell. Eventually he graduated onto pipes. Then one day, in my late teens, the doctor told him: they're killing you. So he quit. Cold Turkey.

That's admirable.

I think I'm too young to remember smoking ads.

I feel like I've seen them but not sure how much of that is due to seeing them on shows later.

I remember the billboard ads for Lambert and Butler.

TV was pretty much all smoking ads and booze ads when I was a kid. And scary ads warning us all not to die or get murdered.

And only one channel could show ads.

Indeed.

Have you seen The Offspring's Covid inspired song? It defies belief.

I last listened to Americana.

I know the singer got his PhD in infectious disease over the past few years though.

That probably explains the covid germs flying around in the video.

Why would anyone want a PhD in infectious diseases?

Dunno. A mate of mine has.

He studies super gonnarhea.

Genuinely what it's called.

But spelt correctly.

Still. Could be worse.

Could have my job.

Or he could have super gonnarhea.

It's a toss up.

Guest Post Thursday #8: Top Ten Booze Songs III

I'm taking a little blogger-break at the moment to clear my head, though Saturday Snapshots will continue as usual... and so will Guest Post Thursday... well, this week and next, for sure. After that, it's up to you. 

Today's guest is probably the blogger I've known longest (or certainly as long as JC), since he is one of the few people who followed me over from my previous blog, Sunset Over Slawit. He's also an excellent writer (check out his novel Drawn To The Deep End if you haven't already), and someone I've been honoured to collaborate with in the past.    

This is his first appearance at My Top Ten though, and it took the booze to tempt him.

Take it away, Martin...

The thought that I could have a crack at part three of the Top Ten Booze Songs came about purely because two great songs occurred to me that neither Rigid Digit nor C had mentioned. Of course, I then had to think of eight more, so apologies for quality control issues - maybe this is the bottom ten booze songs?

10. Oasis - Cigarettes and Alcohol

In the first verse, these vices are all the Manc mono-brows find. By the second verse, they are all they need. Dependency alert, kids! Could have gone for Champagne Supernova, I suppose (Part IV, anyone?)

(I'm keeping schtum over this one... except to say, I find it appropriate that the video begins in a toilet. - Rol.)

9. Splodgenessabounds - Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Please

For everyone who has ever had trouble getting served, when the bar staff see through you to their mate or the person they fancy, and serve them first. My brother bought this on 7".

8. Memphis Slim - Beer Drinkin' Woman 

Now I walked into a beer tavern

To give a girl a nice time.

When I entered I had forty-five dollars

When I left I had one dime.

Wasn't that a beer drinkin' woman

Don't you know, man, don't you know?

She was a beer drinkin' woman.

I don't want to see her no more.

7. Big Audio Dynamite - Champagne

Well, it's got Mick Jones in, so forgive this bubbly but instantly forgettable glass of bland party tune.

6. UB40 - Red Red Wine

A track that has suffered from its ubiquity. I know it's a Neil Diamond song originally, but this is the version everyone knows and sings along to. Goes to my head indeed.

(It goes without saying that I prefer the original. - Rol.)

5. Johnny Paycheck - Fifteen Beers

The sort of song that ought to be playing in the background of every bar scene in Roadhouse. About as far removed from the kind of pub I'd like to frequent. Wasn't this William Hague's favourite song? Or did he only claim fourteen beers...? :)

4. Terrorvision - Tequila

That the highpoint of their commercial success was this atypical, almost novelty song may rankle the band. I bet the PRS cheques don't though.

3. Semisonic - Closing Time

Whilst I welcomed the relaxation of licensing laws, I sort of miss the ritual of closing time, the bell, last orders at the bar, getting another round in quick ... and knowing the same ritual was happening in every other pub all over the place. "You don't have to go home but you can't stay here." 

(Including this made up for Oasis. - Rol.)

2. Stevie Wonder - Don't Drive Drunk

A sobering (see what I did there?) reminder that just has to follow Closing Time. Not his finest moment, of course, but you can't argue with the sentiment.

1. Gene - Sick, Sober and Sorry

And a tune for the morning after, perhaps? Although any remorse has to be tempered with the opening lines: "Please don't stop me from drinking, It's my only joy..." And if I'm honest, this is the only tune here that would me in my top ten booze songs, if Rigid Digit and C hadn't bagged all the best ones already! Anyway, here's a good live version, with an appropriate introduction:

Thank you, Martin. You know I love Gene almost as much as you do, though I'd kind of forgotten how good this one was. Makes me miss them all the more.

Another fine selection of booze songs... though I doubt we've covered all of them. If you fancy contributing your own list, you know where I am.

Saturday Snapshots #66 - The Answers

Ground control to Major Tom - check your Saturday Snapshots answers and put your helmet on...

Let's hope Brexit (if it happems) doesn't put an end to our European friends from taking part in Saturday Snapshots... because this week saw our Danish and German blog-friends take a clear victory. Well done to Chris and Walter, who got seven of the answers before any of our U.K. contenders even got out of bed. Charity Chic, Rigid Digit and Mr. C solved the rest, but the hard work had been done by the time they (and Alyson) arrived.


10. Undetached hedgehog calls last orders.

Sonic the hedgehog.

An undetached house might be a semi.

Last orders comes at Closing Time.

Semisonic - Closing Time

9. American revolutionary soldiers visit Chinese medicine man.

Check your history books.

The Minutemen - Dr. Wu

8. DNA Friendly Bing, doubles the aristocracy.

DNA = Gene.

Chandler Bing was in Friends.

Duke & Earl are two titles of the aristocracy.

Gene Chandler - Duke of Earl

7. Afternoon cinema blackout starts World War.

WWI began when Archduke Franz Ferdinand was assissinated.

Franz Ferdinand - The Dark of the Matinee

6. Homer in space; Brooklynite.

Homer wrote the Odyssey... but not the Space Odyssey.

Odyssey - Native New Yorker

5. Old rope from terrible circumstances.

Dire Straits - Money For Nothing

(Yes, that really is Dire Straits... at  their first ever gig!)

4. Feline superhero at home in the pub.

Cat Power - Lived In Bars

3. Broadway coffee award-winner found in Hammersmith Palais, eating greens with a gator girl.

A Tony is a Broadway Award.

Coffee is Joe.

White Man In Hammersmith Palais.

Listen to the song for the rest...

Tony Joe White - Poll Salad Annie

2. I am on swirl: the object of my desire.

I am on swirl is an anagram...

Mari Wilson - Just What I Always Wanted

1. Bob's future is in hand: great detective work.

Palm-readers tell the future.

Detectives look for clues.



Let's Dance again next Saturday morning...

My Top Ten Science Songs Volume 1: Chemistry

Last year I did a number of posts about Mathematics. I thought I'd follow that up with some musical science classes. You see, I finally started watching Breaking Bad. Yes, I know, I know, I'm nearly ten years behind the curve. Ironically, I've already watched the first two seasons of Better Call Saul, and I've been meaning to watch BB for ages, but... you know, time.

Anyway, for Walter White, we have to start with Chemistry...

Special mentions to The Chemical Brothers and My Chemical Romance.


10. Rush - Chemistry

Because I love Spirit Of Radio, I bought the Best Of Rush. I can do prog in small bursts before it all gets a bit pompous for me. I'm always impressed by the guitar work on records like this... but I prefer Yes though, mainly because Jon Anderson's voice is a thing of wonder.

9. Interpol - Rest My Chemistry

There are three types of chemistry songs. The first: where chemistry is a metaphor for the spark between two people. The second: where chemistry is a metaphor for drugs. The third: where it's both.

This, like our Number One, belongs the third category, I think.

8. Blur - Chemical World

The way Damon dances around in the countryside in this video... seriously, if you were out for a nice Sunday afternoon walk and you bumped into him, you'd turn swifty in the opposite direction.

Weirdo.

7. Dan le Sac Vs. Scroobius Pip - Development

If you potter about on youtube, you'll find a number of songs where people have tried to rap the Periodic Table. When Scroobius Pip gets into his own attempt at that, about halfway through this song, I just wish he'd carried on till he got all the way up to Oganesson.

6.  Emma Pollock - Chemistry Will Find Me

Ironically, despite being on Chemikal Underground and writing this song for her 2010 album The Law Of Large Numbers, Emma Pollock studied Physics at university...

5. John Otway - Bunsen Burner

John Otway's fans helped him celebrate his 50th birthday by getting this into the Top Ten in 2002.  He even made it back onto Top Of The Pops. Brilliant.

4. Esiotrot - My Chemical Romance Saved My Life

This one's a bit of a stretch, I confess, since it's obviously about the band mentioned above and not really anything to do with chemistry... but they're my rules, I can break them if the song is good enough. Great lo fi indie, made even better by the inclusion of a mournful trumpet.

Plus they're Tortoise backwards, so there's that.

And finally, any song which includes the line...

We define ourselves by our record collections

Well. You know.

3. Semisonic - Chemistry

One of those late nineties / early noughties guitar bands it's never been cool to admit to liking... so, obviously, I think they're great.

I remember when I found out about chemistry
It was a long, long way from here
I was old enough to want it but younger than I wanted to be
Suddenly my mission was clear

So for awhile I conducted experiments
And I was amazed by the things I learned
From a fine fine girl with nothing but good intentions and a
Bad tendency to get burned

They lose points for that silly CD single cover (above) though.

2. Elvis Costello - The Element Within Her

The obvious choice is Chemistry Class from Armed Forces, but much as I love that album, I love Punch The Clock more. I have in the past observed the cliché that artists in love don't always make the best records and that heartbreak and misery make for much better songwriting partners. This is often the case, and you'd expectit to be true of the gleefully cynical Elvis Costello more than most. And yet, and yet... Punch The Clock is full of shiny, exuberant love songs, and it's brilliant. 

It's the element within her
Something under her skin
That is shining out through the face of the girl
Two sapphires and couple of rows of pearls

1. Suede - The Chemistry Between Us

Having led the Britpop charge, Suede went full on anthemic pop band on their third album, Coming Up. Although it does have a soaring chorus, sumptuous strings and plenty of la-la-las, at over 7 minutes in length, The Chemistry Between Us was never going to be a hit like the FIVE Top Ten singles this album produced. As with many of Suede's earlier hits though, it is obsessed with drug culture, although Brett Anderson claims the lyrics are anti-drugs, about people who can only make connections when they're high.

Oh, Class A, Class B...
Is that the only chemistry?

Look at that: I can still do indie and guitar pop! Funny how the subject matter led more to those kind of bands...