Hot 100 #16

I've got your picture for next week sorted, said Charity Chic. I have an album by a band called 16 Horsepower.

And you know what? I thought I did too. But it appears to have disappeared from my music library. Anyway, thank you for the reminder.

The biggest problem about the Number 16 on our countdown was summed up by Lynchie that many suggestions might be "a bit dodgy - older men singing about mid-teen girls."

In more cynical / enlightened / post-Glitter & Saville times, we may now find these songs creepy... but part of me thinks they were never actually meant that way. Oh for a return to innocence...

Chuck Berry - Sweet Little Sixteen

B.B. King - Sweet Sixteen

Well, maybe that one's a bit creepy. But this one, from Brian, is pure as the driven snow...

Johnny Burnette - You're Sixteen

Of course, Ringo managed to made it very creepy...

Ringo Starr - You're Sixteen

I think this is the case with a lot of these songs, actually. There's the sweet, innocent version...

Neil Sedaka - Happy Birthday, Sweet Sixteen

(Rigid Digit adds "One from the man who started Madchester by recording at Strawberry Studios.")

And the Call Operation Yew Tree version...

Neil Diamond -  Happy Birthday, Sweet Sixteen

On the other hand, we get the male version...

Craig Douglas - Only Sixteen

And the female version...

The Supremes - Only Sixteen

Is one sweeter than the other? You decide.

Brian threw this one in the ring...

For the third week in a row, let's give Stray Cats a shot with Sixteen Candles. It was used during the closing credits of the movie.

Stray Cats - Sixteen Candles

Now I didn't have that one in my own collection. I did have the original though...

The Crests - Sixteen Candles 

As well as this, which is the same in name alone...

Danielle Dax - 16 Candles

And while we're on the subject...

Fall Out Boy - A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Touch Me" 

Then there are the age 16 that don't even try to be innocent. The Swede was the first to suggest this...

Iggy Pop - Sixteen

And Rigid Digit was quick to add this one...

Kiss - Christine Sixteen

Here's someone else you wouldn't let your 16 year old anywhere near...

Billy Idol - Sweet Sixteen

Of course, some 16 year old girls can be shameless. Take this Rodgers and Hammerstein classic suggested by Rigid Digit...

Sixteen Going On Seventeen from The Sound of Music

For your information though, Charmain Carr was 23 when that was filmed. Which takes us back to a point I raised last week. (Go look it up yourself, it takes me long enough to write all this stuff down once without going back and reading it again.)

And if you think that was scary, try this...

Soft Cell - I Am Sixteen Going On Seventeen

More shameless sixteen year olds can be be found here...

The Heavy - Sixteen

At least Travis understand the dangers of getting involved with young girls...

Travis - U16 Girls

I met a girl in L.A

The million dollar kind

She was all for all or nothing

She was open all the time

But when I called her number

Her mother's on the line sayin'

You've no business

As god's my witness

With a child as young as mine

So make sure that she's old enough

Before you blow your mind

She may look like she knows enough

But look in her eye

And if so

Let her go

You'll let her down in style

Looking back on being 16 is something that gets harder as the years go by. There are a few songs written from that perspective, and C was the first to offer this very popular suggestion, saying, So good, in so many ways, and no dodgy lyrics about young girls! First heard when I was still 14 and sixteen sounded old...

The Buzzcocks - Sixteen Again

An' I wish, I was sixteen again

Then things would be such fun

All the things I'd do would be the same

But they're much more fun

Than when you're twenty wo' wo' wo' wo' wo' one

C then recalled another one on similar lines: Ooh and let us not forget... 

The Sweet - The Six Teens

And then there was this chuck of wish-fulfilment from Rigid Digit...

The Dictators - Sixteen Forever

Which led me to recall this...

The Casket Girls - Sixteen Forever

And this...

Green Day - 16

Every time I look in my past

I always wish I was there

I wish my youth would forever last

Why are all these times so unfair?

The Swede also nominated this one. Brian added: It was No. 15 on my Festive 50 for 2019, and indie couple Amelia and Rob deserve a moment on top of the heap.

A new band to me, but one that immediately went on the Check Out pile...

The Catenary Wires - Sixteen Again  

The Swede also offered this from an old favourite of his...

Robyn Hitchcock & The Venus 3 - Sixteen Years

I'll throw in this lovely "remember being 16" song from my favourite album of the 21st Century...

The Indelicates - Sixteen

Let's go to town and switch the magazines

Drink milkshakes until we're sick

Oh oh, it'll be so funny

Oh oh, it'll be so funny

If we don't do it now then someone else will

Oh oh, it'll be so funny

Oh oh, it's the power not the money

This scene is the scene to be seen in

Not that the scene is what we'd be seen with

We just wanna be 16 (16) 16 (16)

Even though we're 23

And then this...

Calexico and Iron & Wine - Sixteen, Maybe Less

And then there's this one from The Big O (via Rigid Digit) which offers some timely "enjoy it while it lasts" advice to 16 year olds everywhere....

Roy Orbison - You'll Never Be Sixteen Again

It's worth pointing out that 16 can be a terrible time in your life. Luckily Swiss Adam brought up this, a strong contender from my own shortlist...

The Replacements - Sixteen Blue

Brag about things you don't understand

A girl and a woman, a boy and a man

Everything is sexually vague

Now you're wondering to yourself

That you might be gay

Your age is the hardest age

Everything drags and drags

You're looking funny

You ain't laughing, are you?

And on the same subject...

Andrea Carroll - It Hurts To Be 16

Janie Black - Lonely Sixteen

The Ronettes - What's So Sweet About Sweet Sixteen?

Hello Saferide  - X Telling Me About The Loss Of Something Dear, At Age 16

And last but not least in this category... surely the saddest song about a 16 year old ever?

Townes Van Zandt - Sixteen Summers, Fifteen Falls

Putting aside age-related songs then, what else did you have for me?

Lynchie returned to a fine offering from a few weeks back...

Tom Waits - 16 Shells From a Thirty-Ought Six

The Swede offered...

Green on Red - Sixteen Ways 

Anomoanon - Sixteen Ways 

Johnny Osbourne - Lend Me the Sixteen

Brian added...

Josef K - 16 Years

The Decemberists - 16 Military Wives

The Brilliant Corners - Sixteen Years

Jim in Dubai came up with a couple of lesser-known belters...

The Jazzateers - Sixteen Reasons

The Passage - Sixteen Hours

And Charity Chic returned to remind us all of...

The Jayhawks - Sixteen Down

The Flatlanders - Number Sixteen

OK, time to scrape the barrel / hard-drive before we get to this week's winner...

Tom Verlaine - Sixteen Tulips

(That might be worth a post of its own one day soon.)

Animals That Swim - Sixteen Letters

Jack White - Sixteen Saltines

Paul Kelly - Song From The Sixteenth Floor

Pop Will Eat Itself - Sixteen Different Flavours Of Hell

Rainbow - Sixteenth Century Greensleeves

The Stylistics - Sixteen Bars

Manic Street Preachers - Sorrow 16

Whiskeytown - 16 Days

Kate Jackson - 16 Years

Shakespear's Sister - My 16th Apology

Sunny Sweeney - 16th Avenue

The National - Conversation 16

That has to be the strangest video I've seen in a long time, featuring some reasonably big name actors, in some kind of bizarre SNL sketch that doesn't fit the song at all.

Anyway... the winner. Which will probably be obvious by now. It was first suggested by Lynchie, then seconded by Swiss Adam, though I'm sure a few others would have given it consideration.

Have you ever heard the Stevie Wonder version?

Stevie Wonder - 16 Tons

George can have that for his Wednesday covers feature over at CC's place if he likes.

Here's the original, a classic Hate Your Job tune, of which... as you know... I have a special interest in recent times...

You load sixteen tons, what do you get?

Another day older and deeper in debt

Saint Peter don't you call me, 'cause I can't go

I owe my soul to the company store

Which brings us to #15. Your suggestions, please.

Saturday Snapshots #67 - The Answers

And they called it Puppy Love... but I guess they'll never know the appeal of Saturday Snapshots, will they?

Some "tough ones" (they were all easy to me!) and a few Saturday morning lie-ins split the marks this week. Two points each to Alyson, C and Rigid Digit. 1 point each to Charity Chic, Walter and Chris. As I type this, #9 remains unanswered.

Hopefully you weren't Too Young to know all of these...


10. Telstar klaxons.

The Hooters - Satellite

9. Short 19th century queen of Arabia with a blackout on her mind.

19th Century Queen = Victoria. Shortened to Vicki.

Lawrence of Arabia.

Blackout is when the lights go out.

Georgia On My Mind.

Vicki Lawrence - The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia

8. Action Man stares at his favourite pie... decides to leave it for this evening.

When I was 10, having a bog-standard Action Man wasn't enough. You had to have the Eagle Eye Action Man.

Cherry pie... save it for tonight.

Eagle Eye Cherry - Save Tonight

7. Henry's southern brother made a car that was too heavy for the road.

Tennessee Ernie Ford - 16 Tons

6. Ike & Eddie lose their other halves to a romantic ouroboros.

Ike & Tina / Charles & Eddie.

A ouroboros is a snake that eats its own tail.

Tina Charles - I Love To Love

5. Silence in Swiss convention.

I thought only Martin would get this one. Well done, C.

Geneva - No One Speaks

4. Ted needs these guys to help him stay loyal... crack on!

Devo + Ted keeps you loyal.

Devo - Whip It

3. Godlike beings shine a red light on Courtney.

Supreme beings.

Red light = stop.

Courtney Love.

Diana Ross & The Supremes - Stop! In The Name Of Love

Surely one of the most exciting intros to any song ever?

2. Religious bondage duo enjoy the shower.

The Jesus & Mary Chain - Happy When It Rains

1. Mobile undertakers at the terminus.

Clue of the week. Sometimes they write themselves.

The video for this was recorded after the Big O's passing. They handle that very well.

No need to wait until the Twelfth of Never - Saturday Snapshots will be back next week...

My Top Ten Songs About Bad Kissers

Kissing is a popular subject for songwriters... perhaps because most people dream of becoming pop stars as a way of getting some. But here are ten songs you probably wouldn't want to lock lips with...


10. Will Powers - Kissing With Confidence

OK, first confession. For many years - in fact, until very recently - I thought Will Powers was a man. Knowing only this song, I thought the male voice was Will and the female was an uncredited backing singer. Turns out Will is really the creation of celebrity portrait photographer Lynn Goldsmith and his voice is actually hers slowed down.

You probably knew that already.

Anyway, Kissing With Confidence comes from Will's 1983 album Dancing For Mental Health which was a spoof of self-help shysters and the way they preyed on vulnerable people's insecurities. It was written by Goldsmith, with a little help from Nile Rodgers, Steve Winwood, Todd Rundgren and Carly Simon's songwriting partner Jacob Brackman. Nice to have celebrity pals.

Anyway, in the song Lynn starts out as a particularly bad kisser...

I'd giggle like I had no brains
Or else I'd start to cough
I thought my perspiration stains
Would turn a fellow off

...but this is soon fixed by Will's self-help advice and she soon becomes a kissaholic.

I put an end to worrying, I learned the way from Will
And showed me kissing with confidence was an acquired skill
When my boyfriends get too hot I can cool 'em down
Now I'm kissing with confidence everywhere in town.

9. Blake Shelton - Kiss My Country Ass

Some would consider this the worst kind of redneck anthem: provincial deep south BS, the sort of thing that gives country music a bad rep around the rest of the world. I defend my interest by suggesting Blake might be being a little tongue-in-cheek here... although the video would suggest otherwise. I think it's a case of giving the baser part of his fanbase exactly what they believe they want. And it's fun if you can put yourself in their heads. I'm not sure if Brad Paisley's Southern Comfort Zone was a direct response to this song, but it could well have been.

Still, pogue mahone and all that.

8. Magic Wands - Kiss Me Dead

Fuzzy guitared dream pop (they call it "lovewave") from a California indie band who toured a few years back with The Jesus & Mary Chain. One listen to this and you can tell they were supporting their heroes.

7. Green Day - Geek Stink Breath

Well, you just wouldn't. Especially when he starts picking scabs of his face.

The song's actually about Billie Joe Armstrong's meth habit.

6.  Cinerama - Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Not a cover of John Barry's theme to Thunderball, but a typically Gedgian tale of infidelity and its consequences by David... and his... erm... ex-girlfriend.

5. George Michael - Kissing A Fool

Yes, George Michael.

Yes, Kissing A Fool.

I was 16 when this came out, and I probably should have been too cool for George by then, but I was a frustrated romantic and this smoky, low key ballad hit all the right notes. A few months later, I remember playing it in my dad's car on the night I borrowed it to take a girl out on a date for the first time. That night was typical of what I laughably refer to now as my teenage love life, and yet... time makes fond memories of almost everything.

And no, there was no kissing on that date. But yes, if there had been, this song would have been apt. (There was no second date either. She was just trying to make her ex jealous.)

4. Tennessee Ernie Ford & Helen O'Connell - Cool, Cool Kisses

This was another strong contender for My Top Ten Bickering Couples Songs a few weeks back. A few months ago I got my ears around a very cheap 50 track compilation of Tennessee Ernie songs; up until that point I only really knew him for Sixteen Tons, but this collection was an eye-opener. Lots of interesting songs with funny little stories to tell, of which this is one of my favourites. It features a couple arguing about how they can put up with most of their partner's flaws, but when the kisses go cool, that's a bridge too far...

Helen: Don't mind that smelly pipe that's always stickin' in your face!
Ernie: Don't mind your shoes and stockin's always scattered 'round the place!
Helen: I'll put up with the cigarettes you put out on the floor!
Both: But your cool cool kisses I just won't take no more!

Bear in mind, however, this is from 1950, so it's a sign of the times when Helen sings (in a humorous vein)...

Don't mind the way you beat me every time we have a fight...

All of which leads me quite nicely into...

3. Florence & The Machine - Kiss With A Fist

Perhaps it says something about me that my favourite song by Ms. Welch is her punky debut single (originally recorded by her previous band Ashok, under the title 'Happy Slap'). A lot of people think it's a song about domestic violence, but Florence claims that's not the case, that the violence is metaphorical, and it's more about the mental turmoil some couples put themselves through in extremely passionate relationships.

Or something.

Kiss With A Fist is the shortest song Florence has ever released, and it's a lot more fun that much of the wispy, floaty, pseudo-Kate Bush stuff she's released since (although I do like quite a lot of that too). But I guess there's more of an audience for that sort of stuff than 2 minute guitar blasts these days.

See also The Crystals - He Hit Me (and It Felt Like a Kiss). But that's Phil Spector for you.

2. Jenny Lewis - Acid Tongue

One of my favourites from Jenny Lewis, it begins with her fending off the advances of a lecherous cobbler and ends with her dropping acid and getting unlucky in love. Probably not your best bet for a safe smooch.

To be lonely is a habit like smoking or taking drugs
And I've quit them both, but, man, was it rough...

1. Richard Thompson - Cold Kisses

Thompson plays a particular unpleasant character in this one, going through his girlfriend's belongings for evidence of her ex-boyfriends... trying to find out if any of those cold kisses might ever get warm again. A classic example of Thompson's bravura songwriting, it ends with him hearing his girlfriend's key in the lock, only for him to quickly tidy up so that she can find him sitting reading a paperback when she comes in, oblivious to his jealous snooping.

Here I am behind enemy lines
Looking for secrets, looking for signs
Old boyfriends, big and small
Got to see how I measure up to them all

This one's handsome, not too bright
This one's clever with his hands alright
Tougher than me if it came to a fight

And this one's a poet, a bit of a wet
Bit of a gypsy, a bit of a threat
I wonder if she's got over him yet?

Perhaps I should have played this one in my dad's car on that hopeless first date...



Which one would you swap saliva with?