My Top Ten Stalker Songs (Volume 2)

Still not featuring this one, but its time will come.

As promised, I'm following you home again tonight.

In case you missed it, Volume 1 is here.



10. Robyn - Dancing On My Own

Seriously, you wouldn't mess around on Robyn. She would mess you up.

Somebody said you got a new friend
Does she love you better than I can?
There's a big black sky over my town
I know where you're at, I bet she's around
Yeah, I know it's stupid
I just gotta see it for myself
I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her, ohh
I'm right over here, why can't you see me, ohh
I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the girl you're taking home,
I keep dancing on my own

9. Randy Newman - Suzanne

Randy finds a girl's name & number graffitied in a telephone box and decides she's the one for him...

And when you go to the pictures
And I know you do
Don't take no one with you
'Cause I'll be there, too

8. Eminem - Stan

I realise there are many out there who hate the fact that Marshall gave Dido a career as a result of this track, but if you can get past that it's both scary and hilarious. Plus it's the record that proves once and for all that Eminem is a Phil Collins fan...

Dear Mr. I'm-Too-Good-to-Call-or-Write-My-Fans
This'll be the last package I ever send your ass
It's been six months and still no word – I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters
I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the freeway
Hey, Slim, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Phil Collins
"In the Air of the Night" about that guy who could've saved that other guy from drownin'
But didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him?
That's kinda how this is
You could've rescued me from drowning
Now it's too late, I'm on a thousand downers now, I'm drowsy
And all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped all of your pictures off the wall
I loved you, Slim, we could've been together – think about it!

And of course, I can't post that without also posting this*, which I still find hilarious. Your mileage may vary. (*Enjoy your holiday, Jez.)

7. Heart - Alone

It doesn't get more 80s than this. I was 15 when this song came out. It soundtracked my teenage desperation...

You don't know how long I have wanted
To touch your lips and hold you tight, oh
You don't know how long I have waited
And I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
And my love for you is still unknown
Alone

You've no idea how much those lyrics still make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

6. Morrissey - The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get

I was reading a US article the other day that called Morrissey a "one hit wonder" and cited this track as said hit. What a bizarre world.

That aside, can you imagine anything more bizarre than being stalked by Mozzer? "Call the cops!", as Shaun Ryder would say.

Oh, by the way, while I like the new Morrissey single a lot and am looking forward to the album, I do wish he'd keep his mouth shut while promoting it.

5. The Wedding Present - Bewitched

Actually, I could probably devote a whole Top Ten to Wedding Present Songs wherein David Gedge ends up stalking someone. Here's one of the best.

Why do my steps get this small
When I reach your front door
And I wait outside for you to come back out
And your light goes out
You don't know me but I'm still here
And God the last time I saw you
You were, oh, this near
And there's a thousand things I wished I'd said and done
But the moment's gone...

4. Tommy Tutone - Jenny (867-5309)

The guys from Tommy Tutone employ a very similar pick-up strategy to Randy Newman.

Jenny, Jenny you're the girl for me
You don't know me but you make me so happy
I tried to call you before, but I lost my nerve
I tried my imagination but I was disturbed

3. Jens Lekman - Psychogirl

Jens gets stalked by a girl from the post office. They all fall for him, psychogirls.

She sent me an SMS
But it felt more like an SOS, a cry for help
I know your life has been a mess
You cried yourself to sleep as a child
In your mommy's dress and your summerdress
But stop following me, psychogirl
I have enough problems to deal with on my own
Just turn around now, psychogirl
Your eyes are like knives, cutting into my bones
And if I'd be your psychologist, who would be the psychologist's psychologist?

2. Blondie - One Way Or Another

Line up her if you'd like Debbie Harry as a stalker...

I'll walk down the mall, stand over by the wall
Where I can see it all, find out who ya' call
Lead you to the supermarket checkout, some specials and rat food
Get lost in the crowd...

1. Elvis Costello - I Want You 

Genuinely one of the scariest songs ever written. So good, they made a film out of it.

It's the stupid details that my heart is breaking for 
It's the way your shoulders shake and what they're shaking for 
I want you 
It's knowing that he knows you now after only guessing 
It's the thought of him undressing you or you undressing

There is plenty for a third volume. If I'm not arrested first.

The Neverending Top Ten #4: Summer of '69

"We've been singing Summer of '69 today," said Sam's keyworker when I picked him up from nursery a couple of weeks back. "It's my favourite song... and Sam told me it was his favourite too."

I didn't have the heart to tell her Sam's favourite song changes every time a new one comes on the car stereo.

"It's unusual to find a boy his age who knows it..." she added.

Yeah? What are you saying? Are you saying his old man is... old?

Are you saying I should be playing him more Rudimental feat. James Arthur on the drive to nursery? More DJ Khaled feat. Rhianna? More David Guetta feat. Justin Bieber? (Why does every song in the charts these days have to feature somebody else? Can't anybody make records on their own anymore?)

And just how old are you, lady, if your favourite record is Bryan bloody Adams from 1984! (To be fair, while she's more mature than a lot of the young ladies who work in Sam's nursery, she certainly doesn't seem old enough to remember this from the first time round... as I do.)

4. Bryan Adams - Summer of '69

Look, I know the cooler among you will wrinkle your nose at this tune. And it's not even the first time I've featured it here. But that is a bloody great guitar intro, whatever you say...

My Top Ten Tom Petty Songs

Tom Petty was cool. Effortlessly cool. He wasn't a pretty boy by any means, but he was the epitome of rock star chic, whatever he wore. The image above is one of my all-time favourite album covers... although sadly, the CD copy I own doesn't have the image on the front, just a rather bland black & white head and shoulders shot of a slightly younger Tom than the one pictured above. (He still looks cool on it.) He looked cool whether he wore leather, denim or a Mad Hatter's outfit. Whether he let his hair grow long or wore a hat because it was thinning away. The man was cool without ever having to try too hard. In that, he was destined to be a rock star.

I got my first Tom Petty album in 1993. I was working in the radio station record library, mainlining free CDs, and my slightly older & wiser friend, Dave, got very excited by the first ever Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers Greatest Hits CD.

"I only really know a couple of his tunes," I told him. This was the cusp of Britpop, I was 21 years and though I'd grown up on Springsteen and Mellencamp, my tastes were turning back to spiky British indie. But Dave forced a copy into my hand and made me swear to take it home and listen to it.

I played that CD to death for years. It was the only Tom Petty album I needed. It was perfect. So many great singles, glorious 2 and 3 minute blasts of country-rock-pop with a slightly punky edge. (I'm not sure how many of the obit writers will credit Petty with any punk credentials, but for me, they were there. It was the cool, the attitude, the guitars. Particularly on those early albums with The Heartbreakers. There was a touch of the Ramones in there, I swear.)

It took me a long time to need anything else by Tom Petty, but eventually I started digging into his back catalogue too. There's not a bad record in there. They all had that voice (what a voice - like Dylan had inhaled a whole packet of Tunes), that guitar, that cool. I love a lot of those other songs now, but many of the choices below come straight from that first, peerless Greatest Hits album.

I mentioned here earlier this year how Tom Petty was top of my bucket list of artists I still hadn't seen live. He rarely played the UK though, and if he did, only that London. But one day... I mean, he was only 66.

Goodnight, Tom. Here's ten of your best. Thanks for being so cool.


10. Running Down A Dream

I'm a lyrics man first and foremost, but for this track I'll just say: check out that guitar.

9. I Won't Back Down

Probably the only Tom Petty song I knew before I got that Greatest Hits album. It's the one everybody knows, especially Sam Smith, who ripped off the melody shamelessly... and ended up paying for it.

Hey, baby - there ain't no easy way out!

8. Southern Accents

Tom does Neil Young... even better than Neil. And he puts that pesky Canadian right about The South in a way Lynyrd Skynyrd would have been proud of.

And then, of course, came Johnny Cash...

7. Don't Do Me Like That 

Apparently, Tom almost gave this to the J. Geils Band. Well, they could have used another hit.

Glad he kept it though.

6. Refugee

You want to see cool? Watch this video.

Somewhere, somehow somebody
Must have kicked you around some
Tell me why you want to lay there
And revel in your abandon
Honey, it don't make no difference to me baby
Everybody's had to fight to be free
You see you don't have to live like a refugee...

5. Don't Come Around Here No More

The Mad Hatter. Dave Stewart. Synths. Yet somehow, this has aged far better than most other records from 1985. And the video's so trippy, it could be from 1969.

4. Free Fallin'

Don't let Jerry Maguire put you off this one. It is a truly glorious song.

She's a good girl, loves her mama
Loves Jesus and America too
She's a good girl, crazy 'bout Elvis
Loves horses and her boyfriend too...

3. American Girl

See what I mean by punk rock? You try and tell me The Strokes didn't wear the grooves out of this night after night in their lonely teenage bedrooms...

And for one desperate moment there
He crept back in her memory
God it's so painful
Something that's so close
And still so far out of reach

2. The Last DJ

I've played this one here before, I'm sure I'll play it again. Everything you need to know about the radio industry is contained in this song.

1. Into The Great Wide Open

One of the greatest story songs ever written. And I know a LOT of great story songs.

Oh, and just listen to that opening chord. Man, that cuts right through you, doesn't it? In the very best way...

Their A&R man said, "I don't hear a single"

Well, it's done, and now I have to sign my name to it. And as soon as I press 'publish', I'll be kicking myself for not finding room for Learning To Fly, I'll Feel A Whole Lot Better, Breakdown, Even The Losers, Joe, Stop Dragging My Heart Around and The Wild One, Forever. Among many more...

My Top 90 Mid-Life Crisis Songs #5: Twenty-Something

This is Johnny Saint-Lethal.

Johnny is the lead singer of a little-known American guitar band called The Show. He's also written a novel, called Twenty-Something.

Perhaps his biggest claim to fame thus far, however, is the fact that he's now the subject of a song by Mark Kozelek on the latest Sun Kil Moon / Jesu collaboration, 30 Seconds To The Decline of Planet Earth. The song tells how Saint-Lethal approached Kozelek during a show and gave him a copy of his novel. Ah, the foolhardiness of youth, thinking a grumpy old middle-aged git like Kozelek is going to dig your 20-something musings with anything but jealousy and spite.

But your life is just beginning and you're just finding your feet in this world. 
And your schtick's limited to impressing 19-year old girls from Williamsburg. 
The sweet spot for men lasts from about 27-to-33, 
And trust me, the magic dust starts fading when you're approaching 40. 
Right now, the girls tell you they got a boyfriend at the end of the night, right? 
Well, in your late-40s they tell you that information right up front, whether it's true or not...

To be fair though, Kozelek also has a little fatherly advice to impart to the young whipper-snapper...

When I was about your age, Johnny, 
I believed in many things, but mostly I believed in me. 
Then the bullets started coming, that's when you find out how tough you really be. 
I've seen artists grow stronger and I've seen artists wilt in the heat. 
I've seen artists strive like big Magnolia trees in sun, die off like weeds. 
There are curveballs in life, Johnny. Some are hell, some are mindblowingly beautiful.

And then he gets his audience to sing Johnny a tribute , wishing him well with his future.

I remember being twenty-something. I thought I was so grown up. But I wasn't. Sometimes I feel less grown up in my mid-40s, despite all the trappings of adulthood. I remember I used to make fun of the 40-somethings I worked with: all their woes, responsibilities and early nights. But in the ame breath, I didn't appreciate what I had at all. It's like Joni sang: you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

I'm trying to live in the moment now, enjoy every sandwich, because I know in another 20 years I'll look back and wish I was 45 again. But it's hard. It really is.

Saturday Snapshots #2: The Answers

Answers, please!

I think I beat you on a couple of these this week: at least identifying the song, anyway. Which is good, because I don't like them to be too easy. That said, the clues in question were particularly obscure. And on one, I didn't give you enough info...


10. This reluctant replacement is more suited to a crown than a flat cap...

Prince - I Could Never Take The Place Of Your Man

9. MK, darling, you'll find Sidekick Psycho hard to accept when he takes a stroll with The Bangles.

Batman's Sidekick = Robin... or Robyn.

Psycho = Hitchcock.

The Bangles walked like an Egyptian.

MK = Ultra (CIA mind-control programme from the 50s: look it up.)

"hard to accept" - Unbelievable

darling = love.

Robyn Hitchcock & The Egyptians - Ultra Unbelievable Love

Phew. I told you that one was was torture.

8. Message received: he sweeps up for 2 hours just to purchase a poky place.

Message received = Roger.

Two hours of pushing broom buys and 8x12 4 bit room...

Roger Miller - King of the Road

7. Don't pay the ferryman: being seen coming out of one of their gigs takes the biscuit.

Damn it: I edited the original clue down and dropped the bit that referred to the actual song so both clues only refer to the band. In which case, you all get 10 bonus points for my stupidity.

The clue originally began: Please believe that it's true...

(Second mistake in two weeks. Must try harder in future.)

Yes, Charon was Ferryman of the river Styx into Hades. A coin was placed in your dead mouth to pay him.

Styx - Babe

The second half of the clue depends upon you being familiar with this. If you're not, you should be.

Sorry, Alyson, the Chris DeBurgh bit was a deliberate red herring. Hope you're feeling better.

6. Look on the bright side and thiscrowd will always let you down.

Yes, that is Sophie Ellis-Bextor. The Swede had no problem spotting her.

Theaudience - A Pessimist Is Never Disappointed

5. If you're still around in another 500 years, zese two will be waiting for you.

Zese two = Z(ager) & E(vans)

Zager & Evans - In The Year 2525

Well done, George.

4. Superman's mum knows: the Duke & Big Lips never did it this good.

Superman = Christopher Reeves.

Superman's mum = Martha Kent.

Martha Reeves & The Vandellas - Dancing In The Street

The Duke & Big Lips? These two clowns. (I don't care what you say: that video still cracks me up.)

3. They have an answer for the Old King... but it may be an illusion.

Camera Obscura - Lloyd, I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken

Old King Cole? This song was Camera Obscura's answer to this.

2. Bananarama had been listening to her, like $100 Benjamin.

Banarama sang I Heard A Rumour.

Benjamin Franklin is on the $100 note. Congrats to CC, taking a break from his holiday to grab the points for that one.

Rumer - Aretha

1. In pop's parallel universe...they were desperately seeking a home.

Mark 'E' Everett's dad, Hugh Everett II, was the American physicist who came up with the notion of parallel universes, the many-worlds interpretation of quantum physics.

Desperately Seeking Susan, of course.

A combined effort from C & The Swede: teamwork pays off.




More image-based insanity next Saturday.