My Top Ten Horse Racing Songs

Apparently there was a big horse race last weekend. I wouldn't know. I'm not a fan of horse races. But I do like the odd horse race song. Here's ten runners and riders... who'll be the winner?

(There's no Bob Seger in this countdown. I just like that album cover.)

Special mentions to Grand National and Race Horses.

Oh, and this old song from Racing Cars... which explains why I won't ever go for a day at the races.


10. James -  Sometimes (Lester Piggott)

One of my favourite James songs, though I've no idea why they stuck the famous tax-dodging jockey's name in brackets after the title. Various suggestions I've read online include that the beat of the song sounds like racing hooves (erm... not really) or that this was a phrase the roadie used to call out during soundcheck. We may never know, and any connection to horse racing seems tenuous at best (which is why I've placed it at Number 10)... but it's a cracking tune.

9. Dan Fogelberg - Run for the Roses

Look, if Sting wrote this, I'd be taking the piss out of him for writing a song from the second person perspective of a race horse... but I'll cut Dan Fogelberg a bit more slack because he doesn't have a stripy jumper. Make sure you've got your cheese-board ready for this one...

Born in the valley 
And raised in the trees 
Of western Kentucky
On wobbly knees
With mama beside you 
To help you along 
You'll soon be growing up strong
All the long, lazy mornings 
In pastures of green 
The sun on your withers 
The wind in your mane 
Could never prepare you
For what lies ahead

8. The Pogues - Bottle of Smoke

Let's face it, if you went down the racetrack and found Shane MacGowan there... well, you'd hardly be surprised, would you? You might be surprised if he won though...

Twenty fucking five to one
Me gambling days are done
I bet on a horse called the Bottle of Smoke
And my horse won

7. Bill Monroe and his Blue Grass Boys - Molly And Tenbrooks

The real deal - from 1957, and a bluegrass CD I picked up for 50p in a charity shop.

Tenbrooks was a big bay horse 

He wore that shaggy mane

He run all around Memphis 

He beat the Memphis train

6. Richard Thompson - The Angels Took My Racehorse Away

You see, this is the problem I have with horse racing. What happens to those poor horses?

There's a racecourse in the sky
And that's where all the racing horses must go by and by
And I believe every steward, lord and groom
I believe that they're calling her home

5. Carly Simon - You're So Vain

Well, I hear you went to Saratoga
And your horse, naturally, won

Naturally. Mick, Warren, David... whoever this song was about, he was just a git. Full stop.

4. The Band - Up On Cripple Creek

Good luck had just stung me
To the race track I did go
She bet on one horse to win
And I bet on another to show

Odds were in my favor
I had him five to one
When that nag to win came around the track
Sure enough he had won

Apparently, "Up on Cripple Creek is notable as it is one of the first instances of a Hohner clavinet being played with a wah-wah pedal". Which, I'm sure you'll all agree, is... erm... something.

3. Elbow & Richard Hawley - The Fix

You see, this is why you shouldn't waste your money on gambling - it's all fixed anyway.

The fix is in

There's a nag gonna dance home at Epsom

The fix is in

Can't wait to see how it upsets 'em

(That's one great rhyme there, Guy.)

2. George Jones - The Race Is On

Only George Jones could turn use a racing commentary to chronicle heartbreak...

1. The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy!

An outsider romps home! But it's one of my favourite Hold Steady tunes. (Great video too.)

She put $900 on the fifth horse in the sixth race
I think its name was "Chips ahoy!"
It came in six lengths ahead,

We spent the whole next week getting high

Chips Ahoy! would be a cool name for a racehorse.



Which is your Shergar?

Saturday Snapshots #11 - The Answers

And we're back with answers...


10. Turner & The Equalisers: not too popular on the wireless.

(Insert "nice buns" gag if you so wish.)

Kathleen Turner + Edward (Equaliser) Woodward = Kathleen Edwards (she gave up music... hopefully not forever... to open a coffee shop).

Kathleen Edwards - One More Song The Radio Won't Like

9. Catch these guys for a little drink with the king of the gods.

Jupiter was the king of the gods.

A little drink is a drop.

What can you catch?

Train - Drops Of Jupiter

(Yes, I know Train are really uncool. When has that ever stopped me? And doesn't the lead singer look like the California version of David Gedge?)

8. Age brings about angina for these visionary majors.

Visionary = eyes

Majors = Lee

One of the greatest songs ever recorded. With the best drum intro. Well done to Lynchie for remembering the brackets.

The Isley Brothers - This Old Heart Of Mine (Is Weak For You)

Deduct 10 points from your score if you're thinking about the Rod Stewart version.

7. Every X-Factor contestant wants to be one - most are unlucky.

Every X-Factor contestant wants to be a Big Star.

13 is very unlucky.

Well done, Swede.

Big Star - Thirteen

6. Ginger's fella takes over the world, gets dazzled by Bruce's torch.

Ginger's fella was Fred. 

A fella is also a man.

The world is planet Earth.

Bruce wrote the song. His version is better, obviously.

Another point for Lynchie.

Manfred Mann's Earth Band - Blinded by the Light 

 

5. Redknapp for Division One, people!

Division One is a League (even I know that, and I know nothing about football).

People are human (well, some of them).

This is the Redknapp (formerly Nurding) I was referring to...

(You've no idea how long it took me to find a picture of her where she wasn't just in her underwear. About as long as it took me to find a picture of The Human League where Phil Oakey wasn't instantly recognisable.)

Joint effort from Lynchie & Alyson.

The Human League - Louise

4. Often found in California and Victorian London: antiquated lizards.

California and Victorian London both had problems with Smog.

Lizards are cold-blooded.

Antiquated refers to the old times.

The Swede & Charity Chic tag-teamed this one.

Smog - Cold-Blooded Old Times

3. The desperate enemy of ladies hits ice. Not as short as you think!

Desperate Dan

Enemy = Foe

Lady = Girl (or Gel)

Ice = Berg

Not as short as you think?

Lynchie really didn't want to admit to knowing this one,,, but he couldn't resist nudging C towards the answer.

Don't blame me if listening to this song sends you into a diabetic coma. However, it reminds me of an extremely foolish, if not entirely regretted, dalliance when I was young and very, very stupid...

Dan Fogelberg - Longer

2. Tom's hairpiece prefers to walk home.

Tom Courtenay's hairpiece would be his Barnett.

Too easy a pic if you know the artist, but I'm a sucker for stars holding cameras.

Well done, Swede and Chris.

Courtney Barnett - Pedestrian At Best

1. Gizmo's dad plays cards with Kalamazoo.

Hoyt Axton was the dad in Gremlins.

The cat was called Kalamazoo.

If that cat could take, what a tale he'd tell...

I think we can all agree, Lynchie is this week's winner. Though he does get up very early on a Saturday...

Back next week, breakdown permitting.

March #9: Jackson Stays Up Late

Now that's an album cover, isn't it? I'd have bought that from the charity shop even if I hadn't recognised the artist. Don't you just want to be there, standing out on that street in the early 70s twilight, waiting for the world to take you somewhere interesting? No? Just me then.

Apparently the image is based on a Rene Magritte painting from the 50s...

Lovely too, but I prefer Jackson's homage...


9. Jackson Browne - The Late Show

My love affair with the 70s continues. It is now my favourite decade, musically. It's aged a lot better than the 60s, the 80s, even the 90s. In my humble opinion. Particularly American rock and pop, much of which seems timeless from that decade. Not the case quite so much in the UK: both glam and punk are sounding a little creaky now, much as I still enjoy them. But let's not get started on The Bay City Rollers.

It's an age thing too. I tried getting into Jackson Browne 10, 15 years ago. Bought myself an Essential Collection or somesuch. A couple of the songs hit their mark, most notably Running On Empty, but I don't think I was ready. And now I am. Picked this "classic" album up in a 5 for a quid sale a few weeks back and haven't looked back. It's a time machine I can use to escape the horrors of 2017 back to a simpler, more innocent time. I mean, it's not like there was a psychopathic con man in the White House back in 1974...

What?

Oh.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Forget all that. Just listen to the music. That smoky, late night piano. Those gorgeous harmonies (including Don Henley and Dan Fogelberg). The plaintive steel guitar. The car door slamming towards the end. Who'd ever think a slamming car door could sound so good?

My Top Ten Father & Son Songs... That Don't Mention Fathers or Sons In The Title

Still too busy to write new Top Tens... but fortunately, I stashed a few away in reserve before our new arrival.

Having a son has made me think a lot about being a father, and about my own father and everything he's done for me. These ten songs put those emotions into words I could never write...

(There are lots of father / son records that do mention the F or S word in the title. We'll get back to those.)


10. Dan Fogelberg - Leader of the Band

Big member of the Dan Fogelberg Appreciation Society right here.

My life has been a poor attempt
To imitate the man
I'm just a living legacy
To the leader of the band.

9. Paul McCartney - Put It There

Those of you who know about the love/hate relationship I have with Sir Thumbsaloft might be surprised to find this one here, yet I always found it to be one his most affecting solo records, based on some wacky old Liverpudlian expression his dad used to come out with.

8. Brad Paisley - He Didn't Have To Be

Brad's first American Number One tells the story of a boy's respect for his stepfather, hoping that when he himself becomes a father, he can be "at least half the dad he didn't have to be". I always presumed this was autobiographical, but iffypedia tells me it's actually about one of Paisley's friends and his son.

7. Mike & The Mechanics - The Living Years

Mike & The Mechanics were an appealing prospect in that they were basically latter-day Genesis minus Phil Collins, with added Paul Carrack. Which is a win-win situation in anybody's book. This is their biggest hit, a heartstring tugger about a son who regrets his fractious relationship with his father once the old man has passed.

6. Nizlopi - JCB Song

Something of a novelty hit, this relies heavily on 80s pop culture references (Zoids, Transformers, BA Baracus and Toberlone) to catch the attention of blokes of a certain age... i.e. me. And although not all our dads will have driven a JCB, many of us can remember a time when we thought our Dad was Bruce Lee...

5. David Gates & Bread - Everything I Own

Yes, I used to think this was just another song about a man pining for a woman too. Puts a whole new slant on it when you realise it's about a son missing his late father...

I would give everything I own
Give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again

4. Bruce Springsteen - Walk Like A Man

Bruce has written a number of songs about his father and my immediate thought for this list was My Hometown in which he rides around town on his dad's lap (no car seats in them days!). But this one gets me in the back of the throat from the opening line...

I remember how rough your hand felt in mine
On my wedding day...

3. Billy Bragg - Tank Park Salute 

A young boy confronts his own mortality... and that of his father.

I accepted the commiserations
Of all your friends and your relations
But there's some things I still don't understand

You were so tall
How could you fall?

And if you think that's a tearjerker... try this:

2. Shirley Lee - The Reservoir

I've written about this song many times before, I'm sure I'll write about it again. Shirley's heartfelt tribute to his late father: it never fails to reduce me to tears. If you can spare the time to listen to it, I challenge you to reach the end without filling up. All the way to the end. Don't say I didn't warn you.

1. Harry Chapin - Cat's In The Cradle

"Frankly," says Harry Chapin in his live introduction, "this song scares me to death."

It's certainly a lesson to busy fathers everywhere... 




Which song reminds you of your father?

My Top Ten Greed Songs (Seven Deadly Sins #3)

Back to the 7 deadly sings... with ten songs about greed (as opposed to stuffing your face gluttony).



10. Seth Lakeman - Greed & Gold

Forever the loneliest road.

9. Cracker - I Want Everything

First of a number of songs on this chart by artists who won't be happy till they've got it all. Greedy buggers.

8. Dan Fogelberg and Tim Weisberg - The Power of Gold

Are you under the power of gold? 

The late Dan Fogelberg. Top man.

7. Hefner - The Greedy Ugly People

The Greedy Ugly People are not like us,
They don't feel the love that she and I would die without.

A sweet love story about how the rest of the world are a bunch of greedy, ugly bastards...

Love don't stop no wars, don't stop no cancer,
It stops my heart.

6. The Flying Lizards - Money (That's What I Want)

There are, of course, thousands of pop songs about love of money. They deserve, at least, a Top Ten of their own. There are also about a hundred different versions of this song, originally written and recorded by the mighty Barrett Strong back in 1959. But I love this version more than any other because it's truly unique... and because the video is like 1979 in a bottle.

5. Aztec Camera - All I Need Is Everything

Poor old Roddy, he didn't quite get it all. Although going from the video, he must have been about 12 when he recorded this, so he did pretty well for such a young 'un.

4. Go-Kart Mozart - We're Selfish & Lazy & Greedy

Three sins in one! Go, Lawrence!

People like me, oh we don't give a damn
We like staying bed if we can...

3. Rufus Wainwright - Give Me What I Want and Give It to Me Now!

Give me what I want 
And give it to me now!
Don't be such a greedy sow...

...Rufus threatens, before going on to reveal his own greed...

I'm the one who has
And I will tell you this,
With a biblical kiss,
I will eat you, your folks
And your kids for breakfast!

And then he gets really bitchy:

I'm the one who has
And I will tell you this,
That I would never wish
Death upon you, your cats
And your throw cushions on Christmas!

2. Queen - I Want It All

Thus did Freddie live his life...

1. The Wonder Stuff - Give, Give, Give Me More, More, More

It's about time The Wonder Stuff had a Number One round here, considering how much I loved them. 

Well,  hope I make more money than this in the next world...

Damn right!




I know, you want them all, don't you?