I will readily admit that Diane Ladd means more to me as the mother of Laura Dern than as an actress in her own right. Probably that’s down to my age – Laura, who’s just a few years older than me, appeared in some of the most important films of my youth, particularly the David Lynch triple bill of Blue Velvet, Wild At Heart and Inland Empire.
Diane appeared alongside her daughter in two of those movies, and elsewhere, most memorably playing Laura / Lula’s crazy, lipstick-smeared mother, Marietta Fortune, in Wild At Heart.
Sadly, Diane’s name doesn’t appear in any songs I could find, so I went looking for songs relating to some of her most famous roles. Of course, there’s Chinatown, Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (!), but the one I settled on was a little-remembered Burt Reynold vehicle from 1973.
Why that one, you ask?
Well, because it gives me the excuse to play three excellent versions of the same song. Firstly, the original, written and recorded by one J.P. Richardson, aka The Big Bopper, back in 1958.
A few months later, the legendary George Jones took the tune to Number One on the US country charts. Sadly, The Big Bopper never got to appreciate its success as he died in the same plane crash that killed Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens... just 6 days before George Jones’s version was released.
Fast-forward thirty odd years to 1990 when Mark E. Smith decided to release his own unique interpretation… initial copies came with a free miniature bottle of “White Lightning" Tequila.
I know this will be a controversial statement, but I reckon some of the best tracks The Fall ever recorded were cover versions…
Anyway, this seemed like as good a tune as any to play in tribute to Diane Ladd. This whole world's wild at heart
and weird on top.
Another conversation starter culled from Richard Herring's book Emergency Questions... and some songs I loosely linked to it.
18. Which celebrity would you like to stroke your hair as you die?
I think my go-to answer for this would usually be Kate Winslet. She has long been my celebrity crush, and the older she gets, the more I respect her attitudes to celebrity and being herself on screen.
To be honest though, I'm not sure I'd want Kate - or any other celebrity, for that matter - running her fingers through my hair. Especially if I was on my death bed. I mean, it's a bit late now, isn't it, love?
Maybe it'd be better to choose a celebrity who can calm me down in my final moments, rather than getting my heart rate up or leaving me feeling frustrated over lost opportunities.
So I did a quick google search on "Who is the most caring celebrity?" and the answers the AI generated included...
Oprah Winfrey
Dolly Parton
Beyoncé
Keanu Reeves
And do you know what? Of those guys, I think I'd choose Keanu. I feel like he'd be the one most likely to make me feel zen about my last moments on earth.
The biggest problem I have with this question is that I don't really like anybody touching my hair. Not because I'm precious about how it looks (I couldn't give a monkeys)... it's just: PERSONAL SPACE, DUDE! Still, I'm sure Keanu would respect that...
Fortunately, George is back with more I Can't Songs.
Take it away, George...
There’s a LOT of “I Can’t” songs. A lot. You’ve already had ten, some good, some great and two brilliant ones, so here’s ten more, some good, some great, and two of which are simply brilliant, or toptastic if you prefer.
If you want slick 70s (or was it 80s?) pop you’ve come to the wrong place. Well, today you have. So no Hall & Oates, a perfectly decent and well-made pop song, but it’s not Top Ten material. Or Top Twenty, as I’m doing two of these. Nope, instead, you’re getting what is undoubtedly going to be the best song you hear all day, because this is beyond brilliant...
One of those powerful songs that makes you stop whatever you’re doing and just listen. (Not one to play in the car, then). Every time I hear it I can’t do anything but put my listening ears on. From an album you absolutely must have in your collection, Live at Carnegie Hall.
That’s Walter, our pigeon, rescued at the bottom of the farm. He has a wounded wing that will never heal properly; instead of releasing him to be eaten by Billy, we are keeping him. A coop is currently under construction for him. Walter, not Billy. And Walter the pigeon is actually a dove.
That song is not to be confused with the Steve Winwood song, the latter is not an “I can’t” song but a “Can’t” so The Swans will not be in this list. But Otis is!
Another Walter song, that one. "I can’t turn you loose……. because either Shaggy or Billy, or both, will kill you and eat you” as Otis never sang, but it does scan.
A Top Ten without a country song? Is that possible? Of course not.
It would of course be perverse not to include that Ray Charles song, but it is what I am doing, I’ve never liked it or indeed the vast majority of anything I’ve heard by him. And it would certainly be thrawn in the extreme not to include maybe the best known I Can’t song, the one with that uses brackets...
They’re Italian. Unlike Yvonne Elliman. We (Jo and I, not Yvonne and I) were watching something on tv and “Everything’s alright” was featured. I knew most of the lyrics, knew when Judas’ part was coming, knew when Ted Neeley sang. So I’m going to shoehorn this in...
It’s the way the music gets going at 20 seconds in, that signature WIllie Mitchell “Hii Rhythm Section” sound and arrangement, that slow-almost-lethargic music, it’s a perfect soul song.
And please note that Stink, via The Police, is excluded on taste and because it’s “Can’t Stand Losing”. Bad Company, though, are ineligible only because, again, it’s not an “I can’t” song. You could of course argue that Yvonne Elliman should also be excluded, to which I say “Do your own Top Ten”.
Thank you, again, to Rol, for posting this piece. I hope I don’t lose you too many readers.
No, thank you, George. And don't worry: I can't lose what I don't have.
I closed with the original version of George's opening tune. Though I was tempted to go with the Hall & Oates.
The Guest Post door is always open, if anyone wants to try the handle. But don't feel obliged.
How Can I Be Sure you got all the answers right yesterday? You might just be a Daydreamer. Still, I Woke Up In Love This Morning, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt...
9. Little children should learn to replace the Y with IE.
Babys should be spelled with an ie.
In case you're saying "Whoooooo!?", this is the band that John 'Missing You' Waite started out in. Although they were a British band, they only had hits in the US and Australia.
Here's another one for the "Well, I never knew that" folder... the lead singer of Londonbeat was Jimmy Helms, who had a 70s hit with Gonna Make You An Offer You Can't Refuse and also sang jingles for the radio company I used to work for.
7. Sweet smelling weasels.
Jasmine is a sweet smelling flower, minks are slightly less fragrant weasels.
Welcome back to the Hot 100. And please be upstanding for Brian...
I will count on seeing American power-pop band 20/20 as the art on the top of the next post in this series... preferably from their first single or their first album. Don't let me down, Rol!
Now, I have to admit I'd never heard of this lot before, but I knew Brian wouldn't let me down.
Here's the thing, Alyson... nothing is for everyone, and the stuff that is (or is supposed to be) is usually rubbish. I liked all those, but I think I preferred the version by The Stargazers.
By this point, I'm starting to wonder if some of you have just made a list of artists who are frequently featured on this blog and then gone looking for appropriately numbered songs. Oh, wait, here's someone who has blatantly done just that. It's Douglas McLaren...
So the consensus above seems to put T-Rex in as front-runners and obvious favourites. And I admit I too, had I not been late to the game, would have suggested the same, with perhaps Elvis Costello as an outside chance and Pet Shop Boys as a dark horse.
T-Rex? Has someone suggested a T-Rex song? Not that one The Swede mentioned, surely? Sorry, Douglas, I interrupted your monologue...
But as I am late to the game, I am going to put forward not just another choice, but one which I am sure you will see has the power of research, reason, and persuasive logic behind it. For starters, I have observed a long running tendency for our esteemed blogger to shy away from obvious front runners to surprise with some surprise underdogs. Consider, for example, a couple weeks ago when all were putting heavy money on Gene Pitney for #24, and up came Half Man Half Biscuit. I argue that T-Rex supporters going all in for a dead cert face possible extinction if there is a meteoric rise of some new kid on the Cretaceous block. So who might that be? If you were thinking Elvis, the King (and who better than a King to dethrone the Tyrant-Lizard?) you are wrong. I have just the candidate for you: George Jones. Before you scoff, consider this: Research shows that George has been undergoing a slow and steady upsurge in popularity within the pages of this fine blog. The "Search" box at the top reveals that his first appearance ever here was as an 8th place finish on April 15th, 2013, with "The World Worst Loser", in a Top Ten about "Losers". Before you chortle indeed and mutter something about the title being prophetic, or get off a wry comment that losing in a contest of Losers doesn't really make you a winner, wait for what comes next. George had a comeback the following year by teaming up with Tammy Wynette, always a wise strategy. That time, on January 6th, 2014, it was a 7th place finish with "I've Seen Better"...marginal improvement, you say? Well, improvement nonetheless and it gave him the confidence to try again, and this time, with all in for a placing. It took him a few years (his age slowing him, I suppose) but it was worth it; on April 19th, 2018, it was "The Race Is On" (ironically in a Top Ten about Horse Racing) that landed him in the Winner's Circle with a strong 2nd Place showing in a Top Ten appropriately about the races. And that was it. George could smell victory, and there was no stopping him. He spent the next year in training, eating nothing but Wheaties and working out like a man half his age. It was Stallone in Rocky XIII (am I up to date???) all over again. Avid readers will know that the payoff came just last week. And this would be big...not just some local, "best of show" Top Ten victory. George had his sights set higher. He wanted a win in one of the big time circuits, and he had his hopes pinned on a Saturday Snapshots #1 placing, and, miracle of miracles, just a few days ago, he came through with "He Stopped Loving Her Today". You saw it with your own eyes. But having tasted victory, George now wants more. What, he asked himself, would be better that a Saturday Snapshot win? What giddy heights could he aspire to now with a fairy tale finish to his Cinderella story in these hallowed pages? It took some thought, but then...by George, he had it! He would take the first spot in the final 20 countdown of the Hot 100. Let the younger kids have the final weeks (by Gad, he hoped it would not be U2 with "One"!). But he would show there was life in the old boy by having #20 all to himself. It had to be. He was made for this. He shuffled through his back catalogue, his memory stirred by a half-forgotten title. He rummaged for a few moments, past the big shiny hits, under the sleeper successes, and yes, there it was! And out he pulled... George Jones - I've Aged Twenty Years in Five Take that, T-Rex. (mike drops)
Wow. What can I say, Douglas, except that if you've spent such a (scarily) long amount of time researching this blog, there's one thing you must know for sure... Bono doesn't stand a chance.
OK, before we get on to the rather obvious winner, I have a confession to make. There were so many 20 songs in my collection (many of them mentioned above, many not), I didn't even have time to listen to them, let alone link to them. Here are the edited highlights...
I'm starting with that one because I have featured it here before as a Mid-Life Crisis Song. In that post I mentioned how Mark Kozelek wrote the song about Johnny Saint-Lethal, the lead singer of a little-known American guitar band called The Show. And do you know what, JSL actually left a comment in return... although for some reason, that has disappeared from the blog. Fortunately, I have it saved in my inbox, so here's what he said:
"I took Mark's writing the song about my book and I as a stunning nod. I think, however, if you had read the collection (as Mark actually did... please see "1983 MTV Era Music...") you would see the honesty in which it was written. Not at all a know-it-all. Quite the contrary. If you can find a copy (there's only 1100), you might enjoy it and view me differently. I speak to you from the "grave" though. I put JSL to death a couple years ago. RIP. Next chapter. Be well. Bless you all."
Thank you for that, Johnny, and I wish you well. I'm genuinely sorry if it seemed like I was judging you though - the post was meant to be more of a judgement of miserable, middle-aged gits like Kozelek and myself and how we secretly miss being 20-something and are jealous of anyone who still is.
I think.
Anyway, back to a few more selected 20 Songs from my hard-drive...
However, sometimes you just can't deny the inevitable.
And so we have to give this week's prize to Charity Chic as he was first to suggest it.
Some guitar riffs are so powerful, they blow everything else off the field...
Of course, this does mean that CC has now won two weeks in a row. Can he make it a hat-trick? I mean, next week is 19. Shall we just skip that and call it too easy a win?
Or will we all be surprised by a rank outsider?
To be honest, I haven't even started looking yet. So feel free to surprise me...
UPDATE: NO 19 SONGS WILL BE ALLOWED WHERE THE 19 IS PART OF A DATE IN THE 20TH CENTURY.
Pure 6th form poetry, as Rigid Digit pointed out - manages to be trendily Woke 25 years before Woke became a thing, and verges on "mansplaining" to use another loathsome contemporary expression... but what a tune!
Meanwhile, this post namechecks both Samantha Fox and Traci Lords, so what a degenerate I must be.
2. London football team not on Eastern Standard Time, released at last.
I don't know how come I've only just discovered Chip Taylor, when it appears he's been writing great tunes for over 50 years and has released over 25 solo albums in that time... but that's why I like the music industry. It never stops giving. There's always somebody new to discover... even if that somebody has been doing their thing for half a century.
(I'm particularly impressed that Chip Taylor released a song and an album in 2012 called Fuck All The Perfect People. That's going on the list of songs for my funeral.)
Anyway, Chip Taylor has a new album out at the moment. He's 79 now and his voice and delivery owe much to latter days Johnny Cash & Leonard Cohen. Here's the title track (with a little help from an old George Jones tune). It's a belter.
French metal band 6:33 welcome us all to #33 in our Hot 100 countdown. I understand their cover of Silver Lady by David Soul is especially worth seeking out.
33 (and a third) is the number of revolutions per minute made by a long-player / vinyl album. Young people will probably need to consult iffypedia about this, unless they're a hipster, in which case they probably know more about it than I do.
Since I think it's fair to say that hipsters do not read this blog, what do all you old non-hipsters recommend?
The Swede kicked us off this week with a veritable plethora. (Well, a "ple4a", anyway.)
C popped up next with an offering that Charity Chic swiftly declared "the winner!" If only he was compiling these posts. (He's welcome to take over now that he's finished the already much-missed Double Letter Saturday feature. Save me the extra work as we get nearer to #1. Hint hint.)
How about when Grace Jones sounds a lot like Dusty Springfield in I've Done It Again from Nightclubbing?
I was there when Jenny Lind first sang First to feel the cold Alaskan white man First to take a trip on LSD First to vote for Roosevelt back in '33
Next up was Rigid Digit with three solid suggestions...
At the age of 33 and a third, the time that Christ spent on earth, I decided to cut all ties with showbiz. As the awards piled up in the bath, well I started to laugh At all those who died in the name of light entertainment.
That came very close to winning this week, for obvious reasons.
Then came Deano, who explained this week's selection thus...
Before he became outlaw country music's
resident eccentric that would do anything for a publicity stunt, his
debut album was actually some really good blues material, including this
song about a fragile prisoner that has just received some bad news.
Finally came Douglas, who decided to try playing the Canadian card again this week.
For
starters, I wish there were recordings available of any of Gordon
Lightfoot's renditions of "The 33rd of August" which he apparently
undertook in studio in 1969 as an attempt to put together a final
contractually obligated album of covers for UA, which sadly was aborted
and the decision was made to deliver with a live album instead. The
recordings are out there somewhere... anyway, for the record I prefer
the original Mickey Newbury version of this song to others out there.
(See above.)
But
for Canadian content, I am left suggesting Stars' song Personal, which
is a very sad short story of a song told back and forth through
his-and-hers personal columns responses which ends with the heartache of
being stood up. It starts thus:
28 and bored, grieving over loss, sorry to be heavy
But heavy is the cost, heavy is the cost...
Now that might not have won this week, but only because it's not yet in my collection and the winner must always exist in my own library. That said, it's a bloody good tune, so thanks for introducing it to me, Douglas... and it will come in very well on the Top Ten Lonely Hearts Column Songs I've been trying to compile for months now. (Note to everybody: I need another three good ones.)
Speaking of songs from my own library, here's what it threw up this week (along with many of the ones above)...
All of which brings us to this week's winner, which was a real toss-up with Luke Haines, but in the end Frank edged it with an equally biting open line that sums up the state of the world at the moment... and offers good advice for anyone who ever thinks of interviewing He Who Has Fallen From Grace again...
"Stop asking musicians what they think" He said softly as he poured himself a second drink And outside, the world slipped over the brink
We all thought we had nothing to lose That we could trust in crossed fingers and horseshoes That everything would work out, no matter what we choose
The first time it was a tragedy The second time is a farce Outside it's 1933 so I'm hitting the bar
Don't go mistaking your house burning down for the dawn!
Apparently there was a big horse race last weekend. I wouldn't know. I'm not a fan of horse races. But I do like the odd horse race song. Here's ten runners and riders... who'll be the winner?
(There's no Bob Seger in this countdown. I just like that album cover.)
One of my favourite James songs, though I've no idea why they stuck the famous tax-dodging jockey's name in brackets after the title. Various suggestions I've read online include that the beat of the song sounds like racing hooves (erm... not really) or that this was a phrase the roadie used to call out during soundcheck. We may never know, and any connection to horse racing seems tenuous at best (which is why I've placed it at Number 10)... but it's a cracking tune.
Look, if Sting wrote this, I'd be taking the piss out of him for writing a song from the second person perspective of a race horse... but I'll cut Dan Fogelberg a bit more slack because he doesn't have a stripy jumper. Make sure you've got your cheese-board ready for this one...
Born in the valley And raised in the trees Of western Kentucky On wobbly knees With mama beside you To help you along You'll soon be growing up strong All the long, lazy mornings In pastures of green The sun on your withers The wind in your mane Could never prepare you For what lies ahead
Let's face it, if you went down the racetrack and found Shane MacGowan there... well, you'd hardly be surprised, would you? You might be surprised if he won though...
Twenty fucking five to one Me gambling days are done I bet on a horse called the Bottle of Smoke And my horse won
You see, this is the problem I have with horse racing. What happens to those poor horses?
There's a racecourse in the sky And that's where all the racing horses must go by and by And I believe every steward, lord and groom I believe that they're calling her home
Good luck had just stung me To the race track I did go She bet on one horse to win And I bet on another to show
Odds were in my favor I had him five to one When that nag to win came around the track Sure enough he had won
Apparently, "Up on Cripple Creek is notable as it is one of the first instances of a Hohner clavinet being played with a wah-wah pedal". Which, I'm sure you'll all agree, is... erm... something.
