Cancel Christmas Club #2: Do They Know...?

It's Christmastime.

There's no need to be afraid.

Yes, it’s time to let in light and banish shade as the Cancel Culture Club celebrates Christmas in the best way possible… by giving Bono a kicking.

Now, yes, I know Bono wasn’t the instigator of Band Aid – that was Bob and Midge. But I’ve got nothing particularly against Bob or Midge, so I’m going to credit them with all the good things that can be said about Do They Know It’s Christmas? while I happily let Bono take the flack for everything else. In doing so, I hope to set the record straight / rewrite history in staggeringly Trumpian fashion, because in our world of plenty, I like to spread a smile of joy at Christmastime.

Everclear - I Will Be Hating You For Christmas

But it’s not all about me, me, me, is it, Bono? There were other people in Band Aid, you know. Just as there are other people in the Cancel Culture Club Committee. So let’s hear from them…

Surely we shouldn’t cancel Band Aid? Let’s start by asking C, shall we? She can usually find the best in everybody…

'Do They Know It's Christmas?' Oh gawd.  For me, it's not so much what's wrong with it, but what could possibly even be right with it?  I can't find a single thing for the latter.  Oh, I suppose it had good intentions, but Christ (sorry, and on your birthday too, Mr Jesus) what a tasteless, patronising, mawkish, embarrassing, dumbed-down, nauseating load of absolute drivel of a way to... to "raise awareness"?  On the above grounds, I would most definitely consign it to the landfill of eternal doom along with all the non-biodegradable crap festive debris, never to be played again. 

“The landfill of eternal doom”… ah, C, poetic even in opprobrium.

Sparks – Thank God It’s Not Christmas

What about the wonderful John Medd? Surely he’s got something nice to say?

Do they know...?

A very tired song now. Geldof has consented to so many lyrical changes over the years that it barely represents the original. Put it out to pasture; it's done its job now. It's a crying shame the musical cognoscenti didn't wrap their arms around Gaza with such gusto.

Ooh: little bit of politics. When I first read John’s comment, I thought he was suggesting a charity record in aid of Paul Gascoigne, such is my ignorance of world affairs, and I did wonder what poor old Gazza was crying about now.

Eric Idle - F**K Christmas

But say a prayer… here comes Martin!

Do They Know It's Christmas? is an interesting one. I know we're not allowed to cancel on the grounds of quality or personal preference…

Actually, I think this series has categorically proven that it’s impossible to make a decision on cancellation without being biased by personal preference. And maybe that’s why it’s time to bring it to an end, worthy experiment though it was. There’s enough negativity out there, and I always wanted this blog to be a place to celebrate good music, not slag off the things I don’t like (Bono excepted, of course). Oh, sorry, Martin… I interrupted you mid-sentence…

…but for clarity let's start by binning all the anniversary re-treads since, to which the law of diminishing returns most certainly applies. I'm looking at you, Band Aid 20 and Band Aid 30. They're gone because they're crap and no-one cares about them.

OK, let’s take a pause to consider this. I have to admit, until Martin brought them to my attention, I was blissfully unaware of every Band Aid sequel apart from this one…

Band Aid II – Do They Know It’s Christmas?

Now back in 1989, I had no time for it at all. I mean, it was produced by Stock, Aitken & Waterman, for god’s sake. So that explains why Kylie, Jason and Sonia (!) were up front. And Cliff’s on there, of course. And Marti Pellow’s huge, shit-eating Joker-grin. And bloody Bros! With star names like Glen Goldsmith, Big Fun, D Mob and and the jam-pumping Technotronic (incorrectly listed as "Technotronics" on the record sleeve). A gleeful reminder of why the late 80s really was the nadir of pop music.

But wait, looking back now, I also feel a twinge of nostalgia in the same way my Mum’s generation might get dewy-eyed about air raid sirens and gas masks. Look – there’s Jimmy Sommerville. Lisa Stansfield. Bananarama! Maybe 1989 wasn’t so bad after all… at least there’s no Bono. That in itself should surely grant Band Aid II a stay of execution. Especially when compared to…

Band Aid 20 – Do They Know It’s Christmas?

Looking at the list of contributors, I figured I might like this a lot more than I did. Apparently Neil Hannon’s on there (somewhere?) and Thom Yorke’s playing the piano. But you wouldn’t notice, because all I got from the video was Chris Martin, Dido, Robbie Williams and that bloke from Keane who looks like a young David Cameron. I quite enjoyed Dizzee Rascal’s bit, but the true horror was reserved for… the return of Bono. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, etc. Oh, and there’s a really cringey bit where a haggard (not faggot - see previous edition) Saint Bob makes all the early noughties pop sensations stand around in the studio watching old Ethiopian snuff movies with a tear in their eye, presumably just before Damon Albarn brings them a nice cuppa. (I credit Damon with that because iffypedia has him down as ‘Tea Boy’ – but that could well be someone taking the piss.)

We will get back to Martin’s thoughts in a moment, but as he started me down this particular rabbit hole...

Band Aid 30 – Do They Know It’s Christmas?

Strangely I feel more ignorant about the pop music of 10 years ago than I do about the pop music of today. Thanks to Sam, I am at least aware of the bigger names in pop right now (and some of them I’ve even taken a shine to), but One Direction, Rita Ora and Olly Murs are names I recognise without any context at all. That’s not to say there aren’t people in this mob who get royally on my tits – Ed Sheeran for one, and Sam “nicked a Tom Petty tune for my biggest hit and then tried to deny it” Smith for another. Guy Garvey delivers his line with customary style though. (But… you see… this is where the “personal preference” thing starts to bog us down.) I’m not quite sure how Seal and Sinéad ended up with this lot – presumably they were just walking past the studio and Bono dragged them in. Yes, the Irish Pope’s here again, although he changes his infamous line on this version… 

And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom
Well tonight we’re reaching out and touching you

Oh my God, that's even worse. The idea of Bono reaching out and touching me... I feel like I need to bathe in Domestos for a week.

Last year was the 40^th anniversary of Band Aid, but thankfully we were spared another retread… although looking at the biggest names in British pop at this moment (according to the interweb), I’m pretty sure we’d just have been made to endure Ed Sheeran* and Coldplay again… perhaps with added Dua Lipa and Olivia Dean. Maybe Adele, if she wasn’t too busy in Vegas. Instead, we got this…

Band Aid 40 - Do They Know It’s Christmas?

…in which they dug up dragged Trevor Horn out of retirement to mix an “Ultimate Version” of the perennial “Christmas favourite” which featured the “best bits” of all the Band Aids (but nothing from Band Aid II – make of that what you will), including a truly horrific moment when all three Bonos are singing together (original lyrics!) like some multiversal nightmare. To be fair to him, looking at all three Bonos together like that… why, he hasn’t changed a bit in 40 years. Yes, he’s still a c___.

Fascinating Aida - Try Not To Be A C___ At Christmas

I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist.

*Interesting interjection regarding Ed Sheeran – apparently he wasn’t happy about his vocals being re-used on the 2014 version because, “a decade on, my understanding of the narrative associated with this has changed”. Sheeran cited Ghanaian-English songwriter Fuse ODG as being the one who changed his mind. Fuse had already turned down the opportunity to take part in the 2004 version because:

"…I recognised the harm initiatives like it inflict on Africa. While they may generate sympathy and donations, they perpetuate damaging stereotypes that stifle Africa's economic growth, tourism, and investment, ultimately costing the continent trillions and destroying its dignity, pride and identity."

See, I didn’t want this post to be purely about making fun of Bono. There had to be some serious opinions in here too. That said, I won’t waste your time with any of the other versions…

Glee Cast – Do They Know It’s Christmas?

Band Aid Liverpool - Do They Know Its Christmas?

Keith Lemon & Co. – Do They Know It’s Christmas? (Locked Down Version)

LadBaby – Do They Kn… no, I can’t even bring myself to link to that one

…because I’ve already interrupted Martin far too much today. Please, Martin, continue. The floor is yours…

So we're just considering the original source material, Saint Bob et al's 1984 worthiness. Why might it be problematic? I guess there's more than a touch of white saviour complex to a repeated desire to feed the world, and in the 40+ years since, numerous African politicos have voiced the opinion that other sentiments ("It's a world of dread and fear" and "Where nothing ever grows") have been frankly unhelpful in characterising a continent. Earlier this month, even Saint Bob declared that he was both bored and done with Band Aid.

I did go read that interview, for research, and I’m not sure he quite meant it in the way it was presented in the press. “…I get bored so easily. In this case that’s mitigated by the effect Band Aid’s still having – it’s keeping millions of people going – and by the rage I feel when I see injustice. But, being very honest, often this shit bores me.” Hardly sounds like he’s washing his hands of it completely.

So it seems like a good time to nix the song, right? But, but, but... it can't be cancelled. Quite apart from the step change it made in how people and their entertainers responded to charity, it's a Christmas single that is every bit as engrained as Slade, Wizzard and Wham. This song is a part of our generation's Christmas, as much as tinsel and pigs in blankets. And it's a snapshot of our youth - we can all still remember who sang which lines, can't we? Most importantly though, it's a song that did, and continues to do, more good than any subsequent perceived harm - its ledger is very much in the black, ironic though that might be for a bunch of white saviours....

Ah, well, that’s more like it. I always like to see a diversity of opinion from the Committee members, and Martin is the first to find anything really good to say about Band Aid.

Corey Taylor - X-M@$

But guess who’s coming along to back him up? Only our correspondent from a land where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow… Take it away, George!

Band Aid: I lived through that period of the initial release of the song as a young and immature adult, sneering at the mundane music and has-been pop stars, and I suspect many of your readers adopted a similar pose. But for a single record to raise so much money, and help publicise such an appalling situation is quite remarkable, and to complain about the well-meant lyric is beyond churlishness. So I am firmly against cancelling.

To follow George, how about someone who rarely comes down on the same side of the fence as him? Ernie? Are you ready to throw your arms around George the world this Christmastime?

Band Aid - as long as all the money raised is still going to good causes, I can put up with the patronising drivel (and even B*n*) because we are the ones who make a brighter day.

You do know that’s a lyric from We Are The World, don’t you, Ernie? I mean, don’t even start us on that one…

USA For Africa – We Are The World

Going back to Saint Bob (who also co-wrote the above “classic”), he did apparently admit to an Australian newspaper that he was "responsible for two of the worst songs in history"… so fair play to him for that at least.

What about Charity Chic? Surely he’ll be supportive of a charidee record? I mean, it’s in his name!

Band Aid?

Patronising and pandered to a large number of egos…

But it did raise millions for starving children, therefore it should not be banned even if a number of celebs got a freebie visit to Africa with loads of free publicity.

I’m sure there was an old joke about sending Bono to Africa – weren’t those people suffering enough? Well tonight, thank God it’s them instead of YOU. Yada yada yada.

The Arrogant Worms - Christmas Sucks

Over to Germany now, where I’m presuming Band Aid was also a hit (iffypedia doesn’t have the full details, other than to say it was their 17^th best-selling single of 1985)… and in 2014, there was even a German version, led by the lead singer of Die Toten Hosen…

Band Aid 30 Germany - Do They Know It's Christmas?

No Bono in that, so it’s already a step up. Anyway, here’s Walter…

I must admit that I didn't like the song at the time. It was too melodramatic for my taste. Especially when I watched the video, in which every singer tries to pour their deepest feelings into the song (except for Phil Collins, who does what he does best in the video—play the drums). Ultimately, this song is about a fundraising appeal, as has been organized every Christmas season for decades. It is well known that this time, the trigger was a BBC documentary, which, to my knowledge, was the first to report on the famine in Ethiopia that claimed the lives of almost half a million people. So far, so good. Civil war and famine are a thing of the past, and Ethiopia has become one of the most prosperous countries in Africa.

I did have to fact check that one, Walter. Not to contradict you, but just for my own knowledge. According to The World Bank…

With about 132.1 million people (2024), Ethiopia is the second most populous nation in Africa after Nigeria, and one of the fastest-growing economies in the region, with an estimated 8.1% growth in FY2023/24. However, it also remains one of the poorest, with a per capita gross national income of $1,020.

I guess they’re doing better than they were, at least.

When activists now come along and associate this song with colonialism and white arrogance that has no respect for African culture, I no longer understand the world. Obviously, you can find something negative and reprehensible in every good thought and intention.

I’m afraid that’s the world outside our window, Walter –it’s a world of dread and fear.

Spinal Tap - Christmas With The Devil

Now here’s another clanging chime of doom, straight from Glasgow to our hearts, it’s the Vinyl Villain himself. Band Aid, JC?

With a very small number of exceptions such as Christmas Bubblegum Machine by the Sultans of Ping (which gets a pass cos it mentions Glasgow in the lyrics),  I don’t have any time for any sort of novelty records, be they festive themed, comedy related or released with the aim of raising funds for one cause or another.  Band Aid ticks all three boxes – the middle one as the lyrics are unintentionally funny while I’ll never stop laughing at the bit in the video where Bono goes all sanctimonious on us.

I’m jealous that you can still laugh.

I’m therefore not going to waste too much time and energy on this one.  I hate the song and could easily live without hearing it again while I’m out chasing last minute presents (which I’ll continue to do as I hate Amazon even more than festive themed records).

Bah humbug.

Sultans of Ping FC - Christmas Bubblegum Machine

Personally, I hate real shops even more than online conglomerates. Jeff Bezos wins by pandering to my misanthropy. Which brings us back to The Manchester Grinch, Swiss Adam. I’ve a feeling he won’t have anything nice to say about Band Aid either…

Band Aid - a meritless dirge with more plain stupid lines than most songs have - 'tonight thank God it’s them instead of you', for one, not to mention asking a mainly Muslim country if they know it’s Christmas at all. It's just fucking rubbish. I know, charity etc. Still rubbish.

I watched the documentary about the making of it, and it was entertaining, enlightening even. But it doesn't justify this dreadful song. Cancel it.

Was Bono in the documentary? (Silly question, I know.) If someone can edit a version without him in it, I’ll give it a watch.

Kate Nash – I Hate You This Christmas

Which brings us to our final contributor today, SWC from NoBadger Required. And in the interest of equity, I thought it only fair to ask the opinion of a life-long fan of the band U2 and its deific lead singer…

Cancel Band Aid!

This is my third attempt at writing this, the first turned into a 1000 word rant against Bono and whilst that is never necessarily a bad thing, most of those 1000 words were me just calling him a gobshite.  The second one, was really quite similar, but with less use of the word gobshite and more use of the word “trumpet”. 

OK, I lied. (And yes, I did ask SWC to supply me with his original drafts, purely for my own enjoyment, but he didn’t comply.) Carry on, SWC…

Anyway, we should definitely cancel ‘Band Aid’.  A song which meant to do good (and probably did some good) but one that took a heavy dose of salt and rubbed it casually into the wounds of about two million starving people (or however many people it was).

I mean, we could just take a look at those involved to know: a who’s who of the great and good of 80s music who (possibly, allegedly) could have solved a large amount of the poverty and famine by donating half of what they all spent on cocaine and that would tell us everything. 

But to be fair, we only have to look at the lyrics and then we realise that the blame for this falls in the hands of Midge Ure and Sir Bob of Geldof.

Example One:

Where the only water flowing,
Is the bitter sting of tears
– Sung by Tony Hadley and Sting.

Seriously… I mean what the actually fuck?  I get that people are starving I can see that, I too want to push that fly away from the eyes of that child, but enough with the emotional blackmail guys.  It gets worse, because here comes Bono...

And the Christmas bells that ring,
There are the clanging chimes of doom
– Sung by Sting and Bono

The clanging chimes of doom.  Well, thanks for that.  There are children dying out there and it’s a humanitarian disaster and we get the point, Midge, we really do, but the clanging chimes of doom?  Really?  Actually, I’m not sure even the added presence of Bono can make this any worse…

Well, tonight thank God it's them, instead of you

Oh.  He can.  

Just remember, SWC, if you don't like that line, you can always substitute it for the one where Bono reaches out and touches you...

Let’s just dissect that line shall we – well, tonight, thank, God, its, them, instead, of, you.  It’s the ‘them’ that rankles here.  I mean serious, Bono, was there not at least one point when you were in the studio eating canapes with Paul Young when you didn’t turn around and look at Bob and say “Bob, that line about ‘them’, you sure about that..?”

Do you know what, SWC…? Loathe as I am to do this, I’m going to jump in here in Bono’s "defence".

What!?

I know, I know. But in the course of compiling this post, I’ve read a lot of articles about this song, and I found a couple of different sources where… erm… it appears Bono claims he didn’t like the lyrics himself.

I’m going to quote from his bestselling book Surrender: 40 Songs One Story, which of course I bought in hardback as soon as it came out. I mean, I didn’t just dig up the quote from American Songwriter…

“I had to sing the most troubling line of the whole tune, ‘Tonight thank God it’s them instead of you’. When Bob handed me the lyric, I said, ‘I’ll sing any line but this one.’ Maybe it’s that thought that got me here.”

“I told him I didn’t want to sing the line. He said, ‘This is not about what you want, OK? This is about what these people need.’ I was too young to say, ‘This is about what you want.’ But it was his show, and I was happy to be in it. I knew it needed some force, the line. I kind of did an impersonation of Bruce Springsteen, that was really what was in my mind.”

Now the cynic in me wants to think that writing this in 2021, Bono was trying to seize control of the narrative after years of criticism – to shift the blame back onto Bob and away from his exalted self.

Shall we give him the benefit of the doubt? I mean, it is Christmas… and as to Bob and Midge, the two men in charge of the song’s lyrical content? Well, we’ve already heard from the one who wants you to give them your fooking money… so how about a word from the small biting insect?

“The song didn’t matter: the song was secondary, almost irrelevant.”

That’s from Jim Ure’s autobiography, which has pride of place on my bookshelf beside 40 Songs.

Back to SWC for one final word…

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time.
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life 
- sung by various people

Now, apart from being geographically stupid, what with Ethiopia being pretty close to the Equator and there being virtually zero chance of there ever being snow in Africa at Christmas Time, it’s the second bit “The Greatest Gift they’ll get this year is life”, that irritates me the most.  I might be wrong, but I’m fairly sure that if you sat down the parents of a starving child and put two things in front of them – on the left a new video player and hi-fi stacking system and on the right – well survival from war, poverty, famine, or generally speaking ‘life’.  I’m relatively confident that if they really thought about it, they would, as Wham, once told via a T-shirt:  Choose Life. 

I think that’s a pretty good note to end this festive edition on... maybe even a good note to end the series on? I don't know. Let's wait till the New Year and see if I still feel the urge to torpedo any more dodgy old songs... stand by your inboxes just in case. 

I thought I’d end with a positive note about Do They Know It’s Christmas? Here’s why I wouldn’t want to see it cancelled: if it was, I’d never get to listen to the Richard Cheese version again. And Christmas would be so much poorer without that…

Celebrity Jukebox #55: Robert Redford

Distophia - Robert Redford

"He's a regular Robert Redford..."

You've certainly made your mark on the world when your name becomes an idiom, synonymous with charm, charisma and roguish good looks. And when songwriters want a short-cut metaphor for all of the above... Robert Redford is an obvious name-drop.

You're just a Coca Cola cowboy

You got an Eastwood smile and a Robert Redford hair

But you walked across my heart like it was Texas

You taught me how to say I just don't care

Mel Tillis - Coca Cola Cowboy

I don't mean to criticize the girls at all

'Cause I'm no Robert Redford even overhauled

But we all picture in our minds a girl that looks just right

Now ain't it funny, ain't it strange the way a man's opinions change

When he starts to face that lonely night

Mickey Gilley - Don't The Girls All Get Prettier At Closing Time

I could get myself a nose job, I could diet for a year

But I'll never be Robert Redford 'cause I'm much to fond of beer

Please don't misunderstand me, it's not love I'm trying to buy

It's just I got all this here money and I'm a pretty ordinary guy

Dr. Hook - The Millionaire

Now Lord knows you ain't a saint, and Robert Redford you ain't

But you got a heart of gold through and through

And when it comes to lovin', that old, ooh, kissin' and a-huggin'

Ain't nobody else ever gonna do

Reba McEntyre - I Don't Need Nothin' You Ain't Got

That's all right but I wish they'd confuse me 

With somebody like Burt Reynolds or Robert Redford, 

All them guys that really look like me

Red Simpson - My Name Is Simpson

Jean-Paul Belmondo?

Alain Delon? No!

Clint Eastwood? J'ai dit no!

Paul Newman?

Robert Redford? J'ai dit no!

Sparks - Je M'Appelle Russell

Frank Sinatra and a Rolls Royce

A great set of wheels and a golden voice

Robert Redford is the shiniest star on the silver screen

And don't forget about Michelangelo and New York

The biggest apple and the greatest art

They're the very best I've ever seen

Charley Pride - The Best There Is

I get no pleasure when I'm going through the motions of my mediocre day-to-day

I'm just an actor, just like Robert fucking Redford

When I say those stupid words that they expect me to say

Everclear - Misery Whip

She likes me for me

Not because I look like Tyson Beckford

With the charm of Robert Redford

Oozing out my ears

But what she sees

Are my faults and indecisions

My insecure conditions

And the tears upon the pillow that I shed

Blessid Union of Souls - Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me for Me)

You think that love's

What's on that silver screen

Raquel and Redford are the tops

You've been misled

By all those movies you've seen

Al Jarreau - Love Is Real

I'm Redford, you're Newman on the take

You're a 7.6 earthquake

The Donkeys - Don't Know Who We Are

None of those really compare with the greatest ever lyrical reference to Bobby Redford, courtesy of... Lee Majors?!?

I might fall from a tall building

I might roll a brand-new car

'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman

That made Redford such a star

Strangely though, that wasn't the first song which popped into my mind when I heard about the passing of Robert Redford. Although some might argue this is more of a Paul Newman song... still, for me it marks a sunset for Sundance...

Snapshots Spillover: Even More Flowery Songs

There were far more flowery tunes that I could fit into yesterday's bouquet, so here's another bunch for Easter Monday...

The White Stripes - Blue Orchid

Everclear - Chrysanthemum

Roland Orzabal - Dandelion

Gaslight Anthem - Blue Dahlia

Queen - Lily Of The Valley

Loudon Wainwright III - Primrose Hill

Morrissey - Black-Eyed Susan

Soft Parade - When Violets Meet

Enjoy the remains of your Easter eggs.

Memory Mixtape #30: Who Killed Joey Salvo?

Dear Dad,

I'm writing this because it's the only way I can talk to you now, and I really wanted to tell you that I found out something that puzzled us for years! I know who killed Joey Salvo. 

Skybird - Who Killed Whom? 

Maybe you'll never read this - I don't know if I believe in any kind of afterlife that allows you to watch over those you've left behind... I mean, I want to, because it'd make you being gone (and one day, me being gone) so much easier to deal with... but it could just be one of the great white lies we tell ourselves to make the futility of existence not as futile as it might otherwise seem. And I mean, even if you are looking down on me, or just checking in occasionally to make sure I'm not messing up completely, the chances of you reading my blog - any blog! - are pretty much zilch. Did you ever even look at the internet? I think maybe you watched the occasional tractor video on youtube if someone found it and started it playing for you. As someone born in 1929, you didn't quite get the appeal of all this new fangled technology... and I'm not sure you were wrong.

Luke Haines - What Happens When We Die?

Likewise, I'm not sure you ever read anything I wrote... but then again, I never showed you anything. For years, I always thought, "when I get something published, then I'll show it to Mum and Dad," but that never happened, did it? I knew you'd have been proud... but you were proud of me anyway. You never told me what to do or what not to do, you let me find my own way, and I always appreciated that. When I got my A Levels and told you I wanted to pack in education and go work in a radio station for peanuts, you never told me I was wasting my life. Then when I found a way to keep doing that and go back to Uni, I know it pleased you, and I could tell how proud you were the day I graduated. The writing was the same - all those hours I spent up in my room at the old typewriter, word processor, computer... a lot of parents would have been up knocking on the door telling me to get out and get a life. But if I was happy doing what I was doing, that was enough for you. I knew you were always there for me when I needed you, and you'd have done anything for me - when I called you from Bradford at 2am to say my first car had broken down and I couldn't get home from work, you got out of bed, drove 45 minutes in the middle of the night and towed me home. No complaints. That was just what Dads were for. I know I thanked you, but I'm not sure I ever thanked you enough.

Ian McNabb - If My Daddy Could See Me Now

None of that is why I'm writing to you today though. No, I'm writing about NYPD Blue. Remember how that was always our favourite TV show? We didn't connect on a lot of popular culture - you never cared for Marvel or Star Wars and certainly not pop music, though you would always watch Die Hard when it showed at Christmas, and that made me happy. NYPD Blue though, that was the one thing we really agreed on. I don't think we ever watched it together, because in my early 20s when the show started, I was either out at work or I watched the little portable TV up in my room. (Plus there were quite a few racy bits in that show, and who wants to watch TV sex scenes with their parents?) 

Death Cab For Cutie - Portable Television

I can remember the odd occasion we'd be watching it live "together" (me upstairs, you down) and I could hear you laughing from the living room at some sarcastic remark Andy Sipowicz made to a skell, or the little sly glances between characters that spoke volumes and made us both crack up. We both loved Dennis Franz who played Andy, a wonderful example of a flawed hero. When the show started, Detective Sipowicz was a cranky, alcoholic bigot. Over the course of the next twelve years, he suffered more adversity than any fictional character deserved - including losing his son, his wife and his best friend - but he also went through a redemptive arc that I believe is unparalleled in popular fiction. 

Frank Turner - Redemption

It took us both a while to follow Andy's story through to the end as Channel 4 inexplicably stopped showing NYPD Blue sometime in the late 90s. The final seasons eventually cropped up on More4 when that channel launched in 2005 and I know you stayed up late to watch it every weeknight, while I had to catch up on video when I wasn't at work. We'd still chat about it when I saw you at the weekend - how about when Andy said such and such? The look he gave another character across the crowded squad room. It's weird the things that bond a father and son, but even now when I watch the show on Disney+, it makes me think of you. And when it makes me laugh, I want to share that with you like I did back then.  

Everclear - TV Show

All of which brings me to Joey Salvo. I'm sure you remember, Dad, at the end of Season 4, there was a pretty big cliffhanger. Andy's partner, Bobby Simone (played by the always excellent Jimmy Smits) had been caught up in a sting operation involving the FBI and Internal Affairs. A gangster called Joey Salvo, who Bobby knew from his past, had a mole in the police department, and the various agencies were using Bobby as a pawn to expose the leak. Bobby ended up suspended and his career was on the line, but still nobody could prove the identity of Salvo's informant. The season ended with Bobby meeting Salvo on a street corner in a last ditch effort to uncover the mole... and then, out of nowhere, shots were fired and Salvo was killed. A few seconds later, a car screeched up and it was Andy, Bobby's partner, asking if he was OK. Did Andy shoot Salvo to get Bobby out of an impossible situation? That was certainly the inference... but would Andy really do that? His character walked a thin line a lot of the time, he was immensely loyal to his partner and had no time for the FBI or the Rat Squad... but would he really resort to murder? It seemed unlikely to both of us, Dad, but we were going to have to wait till the next series to find out...

Floodlights - On The Television

Except, when Season 5 began the following year, something really odd happened. You saw it first and I remember you coming to me and saying how it'd all started up again without any mention of the cliffhanger. Bobby was back in his job, the FBI and Internal Affairs weren't present, nobody even mentioned Joey Salvo. It didn't make any sense. It was like we'd both missed an episode... and clearly that's exactly what happened, though I still find it hard to believe, because back then we both checked the TV Times religiously to see when our favourite show was back on air. Part of me wonders if Channel 4 ditched the opening episode because they didn't consider all the back-story would make for a good jumping on point for new viewers. I wouldn't put anything past them - they didn't treat NYPD Blue fans with a great deal of respect during the time they were airing the show. 

Smith & Burrows - Old TV Shows

Anyway, Dad, the point of all this is that I finally got to watch the episode we never saw. And I can tell you that Joey Salvo was shot by the head of Internal Affairs - he was the mole! He was caught after trying to shoot Andy and he eventually confessed to everything. Neither you nor I thought Andy was the shooter, but there was always an unresolved question mark... and I wish you were still here so I could tell you what happened or show you the episode we missed. I only hope that somehow via some kind of unknown magic of the universe that science doesn't yet understand, somehow you can read what I've written today and know that I love you and I miss you and that Andy Sipowicz is still our hero.     

   

Neverending Top Ten #6.7: The 150th CD

When Sam was very small, I started making compilation CDs to play in the car whenever we were out and about, with the aim of giving him a solid introduction to the wonderful world of pop music in all most of its many varieties. I don't have a date for when I made that first CD, but he must have been about one, so it was a good 9 years ago. These were the first three tracks on CD 1...

The Beatles - Drive My Car

John Denver - Leaving On A Jet Plane

The Monkees - Daydream Believer

It wasn't about choosing my favourite songs, but what I thought he'd like as a one year old. He was obsessed with cars from a very young age, so the Beatles' "beep beep yeahs" seemed like an obvious opener. I'm not sure why I chose Jet Plane next, other than that it has a similar travelling message and a soaring melody that was good to sing along to. Daydream Believer, on the other hand, is just one of the greatest and most joyful pop songs ever written. It had to be there.

That first CD included other singalong greats like Sweet Caroline, Build Me Up, Buttercup and a Motown double-whammy of I Can't Help Myself and You Can't Hurry Love. Paul Simon's You Can Call Me Al was on there because we used to listen to Graceland a lot at bath / bedtime back then. Although many of the favourite artists of my youth were present (REM, Billy Joel, Freddie Mercury), there was no Bruce or Huey, Johnny, Jarvis or anything by The Smiths. And though Glen Campbell made the final cut, he was wearing rhinestones, not searching in the sun for another overload. I rip to 80 minute CDs, so I'm always limited to between 20 and 22 tracks. That said, there were a couple of leftfield choices...

The Colourfield - Thinking Of You

Everclear - Wonderful

And this was the most contemporary song on there...

Pink! - So What

A good nah-nah-nah-nah chorus was bound to appeal to a one year old.

Anyway, I've kept making these CDs over the years and gradually broadening Sam's knowledge of popular music, though the song choices have become less obvious and more eclectic as time's gone by. Last week, I put together SAM 150, a compilation which ranged from The Staple Singers to Leo Sayer, Pete Townsend to Modern English, Joni Mitchell to Ash, The Climax Blues Band to The Trammps to The Shangri-Las. It also included the following, even less obvious choices...

Kongos - Come With Me Now

Thanks to Martin for that one.

Sun Sawed In 1/2 - Janet Greene

Top power pop tune - one listen, and Sam was singing along.

And then there's this... a new discovery, but one that had me hooked as soon as Diamante Azzura Bovelli started belting out her tribute to the year I turned 15, like Pat Benatar or Bonnie Tyler at their best. Again, Sam was soon singing along. Which, considering he was born in 2013, is kind of like me singing about 1936 when I was a kid. Imagine that. 

Not that I'm trying to make you feel old. But Diamante, in case you fancy another nail in your coffin, was herself born in 1996, nine years later than the year she dreams of dancing in.  

Still, 150 CDs. You can't say I've completely wasted my life...

Snapshots #315: A Top Ten Songs For Jobseekers

Now then, Job Seekers... I bet you're wondering why Pauline isn't holding a camera? 

Don't question, Pauline, your workshy layabouts! Lounging around on a Sunday morning when you should be out looking for WORK! Remember what Yosser Hughes said: "Gizza Job!" Now get out there...

10. Took part in the UCLA Sheepdog Trials.

Took part in the UCLA Sheepdog Trials.

The Clash - Career Opportunities

9. Material which is mined in reverse.

Denim is mined in reverse.

Denim - Job Centre

8. Policeman exposed.

The Bobby, laid Bare.

Bobby Bare - Unemployment Line

7. Faithless nun reads Gigi.

The nun is Sister Bliss (from Faithless). Gigi was written by Colette.

Sister Bliss featuring Colette - Can't Get A Job

6. Always direct proof that too much alcohol is bad for you.

Everclear is an alcoholic drink that goes above 90% proof.

Everclear - Unemployed Boyfriend

5. Sent by a lovely goddess to tidy up. 

Venus has sent the cleaners...

The Cleaners from Venus - Young Jobless

4. She left Green Gables for a Lincolnshire town. 

Ann from Green Gables goes to Alford.

Ann Alford - Got To Get Me A Job

3. Kids!

The Offspring - Why Don't You Get A Job?

2. Doesn't matter.

It's Immaterial - Young Man (Seeks Interesting Job)

1. The Contours?

The Silhouettes - Get A Job

Your job now is to rejoin the employment line next Saturday morning...

My Top ∞ Radio Songs #7: In The Beginning...

It should come as no surprise to me that last week's radio post drummed up a few memories. It made me happy to hear how radio reminded you all so much of growing up, of listening late at night under the covers, of your parents and families...

Me too. Here are a few of my earliest radio memories:

• Terry Wogan in the morning before school. I wrote about Tel last year on his untimely passing. He started on the Radio 2 breakfast show in 1972, the year I was born, so he was there all through my childhood. We were never a Radio 1 household, my parents being that much old and my brother and sister both having left home, so Terry's musical choices helped shaped my own in my formative years.

• Jimmy Young after Terry. I remember hearing the famous Terry / JY handovers a lot when I wasn't at school. I remember my dad had a radio in his shed and he listened to JY in there once he retired from the motor trade (when I was a teenager) and went back to being a joiner. JY's musical choices were a bit more old school than Terry's, so he was more likely to play my dad's favourite: Frank Sinatra. If the radio wasn't on in my dad's shed, you could place money on the chances of him whistling Strangers In The Night to himself... if the circular saw wasn't whirring.

• John Dunn and Ray Moore too. Oh my father had a rabbit and he thought it was a duck...

• Friday Night Is Music Night. My dad worked as an auctioneer for a big motor auction company before being made redundant when I was about 7. After that, he set up his own car auctions (with a couple of former colleagues), though it was a bit of a struggle to get that business off the ground at first. They couldn't even afford a cleaner, so dad, mum and me used to go over there after school on a Friday night and clean the offices, stopping off for fish and chips on the way home. Friday Night Is Music Night reminds me of that, and my dad's love of the big bands. He was a trombone player himself when he was a kid and I followed his footsteps into the local brass band as a teenager, playing tenor horn. 

• Late night radio. I'm not sure I remember exactly who was on Radio 2 at nights when I was a kid (I should probably look it up), but I do know that from an early age I kept my bedside clock radio on all through the night. Not for me, hiding the pocket-sized tranny under the covers. Late night radio was legit in my house... maybe that explains why I still need music to help me get to sleep forty years later. More on that another time though...

In the meantime, here's another favourite radio song. Art Alexakis from Everclear is a little bit older than me, probably nearer the age of some of you guys who left comments last time. His radio flashback begins in 1970 when all we had was the AM radio (or Medium Wave, as it was known in my house).

7. Everclear - A.M. Radio

I'd be in bed with the radio on
I would listen to it all night long
Just to hear my favorite song
You'd have to wait till you could hear it on the
AM radio

My Top Ten "Bah, Humbug!" Songs (Volume 1)

Before I get to my Top Five albums of the year... I suppose I better do this. Because it's that time of year again. The time when you can't walk into your local Co-Op without hearing Macca wishing you a Wonderful Time, Elton imploring you to Step Into It and Noddy screaming at the size of his royalty cheque. I'm even getting sick of Shane & Kirsty. And I swear if I hear Chris Rea get into his car one more time...

To counteract that... here's ten less-well-played songs "celebrating" the other side of the season...

(Bonus points if you can identify my celebrity Santa. It's not too difficult.)


10. Matthew Thiessen & The Earthquakes - I Hate Christmas Parties

Matthew Thiessen is the lead singer of Canadian Christian alt-rock band Relient K, so you might imagine he'd be more into the festivities than he actually is. Turns out someone left a broken heart under his tree for him this year. Poor sod.

9. Loudon Wainwright III - I'll Be Killing You This Christmas

What better time of year to take a jab at the second amendment? Good old Loudon.

8. Jim White - Christmas Day

Haunting.

I remember quite clearly, a bad Muzak version of James Taylor's big hit, 
Called "Fire and Rain" was playing as you crouched down and tearfully kissed me, 
And I thought, "Damn, what good fiction I will mold from this terrible pain."

Plus: songwriters are bastards. Don't ever date / dump one. Especially at Christmas.

7. John Prine - Christmas In Prison

One of my favourites from JP. I didn't realise it was as old as it is. 1973? That's just a year younger than me!

It was Christmas in prison and the food was real good
We had turkey and pistols carved out of wood
I dream of her always, even when I don't dream
Her name's on my tongue and her blood's in my strings

6. Everclear - I Will Be Hating You For Christmas

I'll never understood why Everclear weren't massive...

5. Frank Kelly - The Christmas Countdown

Father Jack, before joining the clergy, recorded this alternate version of the 12 Days of Christmas back in the 80s and it was a firm favourite of mine growing up because Terry Wogan used to play it every year. I play it here in tribute to both Frank and Terry, since we lost both of them this year.

4. Jesse Malin - Xmas

There was a time I believed Jesse Malin was the future of rock 'n' roll. Around the time this album, The Fine Art of Self-Desturction was released. I'm still waiting...

3. The Killers - Don't Shoot Me, Santa

The Killers release a new Christmas song every year. They've just compiled them into a collection, Don't Waste Your Wishes, for charity. I would buy this. With money. Unfortunately, they've made it exclusively available on iTunes which means I can't buy it. With money. Because iTunes breaks my computer every time I try to use it and I hate it with a passion. Still.

I do love this one, from a few years back.

2. Spearmint - Oklahoma

The title track to one of my favourite Christmas albums. Shirley Lee's ode to a tragic homeless drunk from his local town who spread the Christmas spirit with his rendition of Rogers & Hammerstein songs. They miss him when he's gone...

1. The Handsome Family - Stupid Bells

Christmas is the season where most folks kill themselves
Christmas is the reason for all those stupid bells!

Leave it to the Handsome Family to give the grinch a run for his money...

Repent sinners!
This pagan holiday full of tree worship and fairy lights is an affront to Jehova!
The candy cane is Satan's walking stick!
Merry Christmas from the Handsome Family!

"Happy" Christmas to you all. What's your favourite not-so-festive Christmas song?

My Top Ten Songs About Bad Drivers

Four times a week, I have a 50 min - 1 hr 10 minute commute to work (depending on whether I'm taking Sam to nursery or not) and this is where I listen to most of my music these days. Most days enjoy the journey - it's country lanes most of the way - but every now and then, a bad driver comes along and spoils it all. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those people who thinks he's the best driver on the road. I just think everyone else is worse. ("L'enfer, c'est les autres." Or, "L'enfer, c'est les autos", if you prefer.)

I chose the image above not because Neko Case features in this list, but because you'd hate to meet her coming the other way on your way to work, if that's how she drives...




10. Ferlin Husky - The Drunken Driver

We start out in 1954 with this terrifying anti-drink drive death disc. I think it's fair to say, if you've never heard this before, you've never heard anything like it before. You probably won't ever want to hear it again, unless you have some kind of sick, macabre sense of humour. Or you like tragic 50s death discs. As I do.

9. Half Man Half Biscuit - Blue Badge Abuser

If you're reading this post from outside the UK (and, bizarrely, blogger tells me I have more readers from the rest of the world than I do from my home country), you might not know that a Blue Badge is the thing that allows you to park in a disabled parking space in the UK. And little gets us as hot under the collar as seeing some able-bodied type who's managed to con a Blue Badge out of the council, thereby allowing him to park wherever the chuff he choose. (Personally I get more mad at people who park in the Parent & Child bays but quite clearly have no children... but that's just where I am in my life anymore.)

I park up in the pouring rain
The space was empty, who's to complain?
And if they did, I'd say I'm due for the op
And sprint wilfully off to the shop

A typical Nigel Blackwell rant then, written from the perspective of this "ne'er-do-well of the highest accord".

Fetch my stick, Margaret!

8. Lambchop - I Will Drive Slowly

Presumably, Kurt Wagner is driving slowly to prolong the time he spends with his new love before dropping her off. Which is all very romantic... but a pain in the arse if you're stuck behind him.

Lambchop sound a bit like REM on this one - not something I've ever noticed before.

7. David Bowie - Always Crashing in the Same Car

I'll play this one for Dave on his 69th birthday. New album out today also: I'll get round to it soon as I can afford, Dave.

Released back in '77, this Low album track apparently describes coked up Dave taking revenge on a drug dealer who'd ripped him off, smashing into his car before going for a spin in his hotel's underground garage. They don't make rock stars like they used to.

6. Don Henley - Drivin' With Your Eyes Closed

I'm obviously on a bit of a Don Henley kick at the moment, following last year's comeback album. This is from the same album as his biggest hit, the astounding Boys of Summer, and while it's not in the same league as that, it is a very intriguing record, laced with the usual Henley cynicism and some bizarre references to French poets which I don't understand at all because I'm only an English teacher and the only French writer I can quote is Sartre.

5. Everclear - Volvo Driving Soccer Mom

This is what bad girls become when they grow up. Doesn't mean they become better drivers.

Classic Everclear single from 2003, although none of my muso pals will agree with me when I say this: I see it as kind of the American equivalent of...

4. Morrissey - The Boy Racer

Leave it to Moz to write an ode to that most loathed of bad drivers - he always has a knack for sympathising the underdogs.  Even when he wants to kill them.

He's got too many girlfriends
He thinks he owns this city
He overspeeds and he never gets pulled over
Have you seen him go, though, oh?

The second and final single from the album many consider to be Moz's nadir, Southpaw Grammar, on which he flirts with grunge and 10 minute drum solos. I think Boy Racer stands up well now - but then, when compared to the album's first single, the lamentable Dagenham Dave, this could be How Soon Is Now II.

Oh yeah, and if anyone ever tries to convince you of that old Moz=Miseryguts chestnut, can you kindly direct them here...

He thinks he got the whole world in his hands
Stood at the urinal
He thinks he got the whole world in his hands
And I'm gonna ... kill him!

3. Aimee Mann - Driving Sideways

Aimee at the height of her powers, from an album with a curious story behind it, Bachelor No. 2 or, the Last Remains of the Dodo. Back in 2000 when the album was finished, her record company refused to release it as they felt it wasn't commercial, despite a number of the songs - including this one - already having featured in the hit soundtrack for Paul Thomas Anderson's film Magnolia... you know, the one where Tom Cruise plays a sexist dick.

(Insert your own punchline here.)

Anyway, Aimee bought the music back off her record company (for a shitload, by all accounts) and released it independently via her own website where it became one of the internet's first big sales success stories (CD-wise).

Having said all that, Driving Sideways isn't on the UK edition of Bachelor (which I own) because it was swapped for Save Me (also from the Magnolia soundtrack, and arguably a much better song). Thus endeth today's lesson on semi-obscure Aimee Mann records.

2. Simon & Garfunkel - Baby Driver

Taken literally, this would be one very bad driver indeed. If their feet could reach the pedals, none of us would be safe. Of course, when you get to my age, the average 17 year old looks like a Baby Driver... and watching them scoot down the road always fills me with dread.

Baby Driver is from Bridge Over Troubled Water and was originally the b-side of The Boxer. Jack Kerouac's daughter Janet used the title for her first (semi-autobiographical) novel, released in the early 80s. 

1. Del Amitri - Driving With The Brakes On

I don't feature Del Amitri on this site half as much as I should, because I do consider Justin Currie one of the greatest songwriters of his generation. Gloriously grumpy too, which is why you'd be perfectly in your right to consider this just another one of his "moaning at the world" songs, written after being stuck behind one of those drivers who has to test those new brake lights he got for Christmas every three seconds.

Other interpretations are that the song's about an abortion the male partner was unable to prevent, and his attempts to come to terms with that and whether the relationship has any future. Certainly gives you an alternate reading for the lyrics...

Driving through the long night
Trying to figure who's right and who's wrong
Now the kid has gone. I sit belted up tight,
She sucks on a match light, glowing bronze, steering on.
And I might be more a man if I stopped this in its tracks
And said come on, let's go home. But she's got the wheel,
And I've got nothing except what I have on.

The song's from 1995, though it sounds as far away from Britpop as you could have got and still be a guitar band. At the time, that made Del Amitri unfashionable. 20 years later, it makes them timeless.




Which one drives you crazy?

My Top Ten Whipping Songs

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My Top Ten Songs About Wearing Black

Black is slimming. Black is flattering. Black is mysterious. Black is sexy. Everything is the new black.

Here's ten songs about wearing black... with, surprisingly, not a goth in sight.


10. Everclear - White Men in Black Suits

I was a huge Everclear fan back in the late 90s, around the time they ditched their grunge roots and went power pop with the album this came from: So Much For The Afterglow. Yes, I liked them when they became popular... not a very muso thing to admit, is it?

No idea who the White Men in Black Suits are in this song... however, part of me hopes they're alien investigators... or just your basic, bog standard aliens. That'd make me happy. Like the imminent return of Mulder & Scully has made me happy.

9. The Hollies - Long Cool Woman (In a Black Dress)

Rocks a lot harder than most Hollies songs - largely because they were doing their best to imitate Creedence when they recorded it. John Fogerty was, apparently, not impressed.

8. Juliet Turner - Burn The Black Suit

A wonderfully sarcastic lyric from this Irish singer-songwriter...

I found out how to keep you keen, I read it in a magazine.
One of those expensive ones, so it must be true, it must be true.
Seems large amounts of alcohol is all it takes to make you fall.
If I stroke your ego through the night, it'll be all right, it'll be all right.

7. Alannah Myles - Black Velvet

Creeping southern blues rock classic (though Alannah herself was Canadian), this still drips sweat and sex all over the turntable. It would have been a little less steamy had she kept her real name... Alannah Byles.

6. Warren Zevon - Angel Dressed In Black

With typically cynical paint, Warren daubs the image of a paranoid, crack-smoking loser whose girl has left and not come back. He's starting to worry terrible things may have happened to her...but we suspect the truth might be a little more obvious.

5. Suzanne Vega - I Never Wear White

One of the stand out tracks from Suzanne's eight studio album, Tales from the Realm of the Queen of Pentacles, released just last year. Conclusive proof... she's still got it.

My colour is black black black
For the crone, and the bastard
The schoolgirl in uniform
The servant in the hall.

Black is the truth
Of my situation,
And for those of my station
In life. All other colors
Lie.

4. The Shangri-Las - Dressed In Black

Melodrama never came classier than the Shangri-Las. Here, a forbidden love affair leads to teenage heartbreak on a Wagnerian scale, (over-)produced with Spector-esque glee by George Francis "Shadow" Morton - the man who brought the shadows to many of the Shangri-Las greatest musical moments.

3. AC/DC - Back In Black

When AC/DC front-man Bon Scott died in 1980, the band almost called it a day. Instead they decided he would have wanted them to carry on, so they offered the job to Geordie's Brian Johnson... and gave him the unenviable task of writing a lyric paying tribute to his predecessor. This is what he came up with... the title track from an album that stills ranks as one of the Top Ten highest selling records of all time.

2. Johnny Cash - The Man In Black

He WAS the Man in Black. And here's why...

Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day
And tell the world that everything's okay
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back
Until things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black

(Though, in truth, it was just easier to keep black shirts clean when JC was on long tours.)

1. The Smiths - Unlovable

Another example of Morrissey and Marr throwing away classics on b-sides. The ultimate maudlin-Moz lyric... he wears black on the outside because black is how he feels on the inside. And if he seems a little strange... well, that's because he is.

Message received - loud and clear!

Which is your little black dress?