Conversations With Ben #20: M&S or S&M?

Ben: Are they threatening me?

Rol: I'm more interested to know what X Bite is. Some weird S&M shit?

Boardgame website.

Can't have M&Ms, they're not vegan.

We bought a car yesterday.

Just a little nipper run around.

It's a Chevy.

Now I need to work out what the levy is and how to push it there.

Wrong answers only, please.

Wasn't he the lead singer of the Four Tops?

Billy Bragg made him cry.

We're currently calling it Eugene.

After this...?

Although it's more likely you named it after Sufjan or Kevin... or maybe the Beastie Boys.

Eugene Levy... Chevy!

Is it a...?

No.

Hang on, here's a Top Ten...

10. Alabama Shakes - Heavy Chevy

9. The Beat Farmers - Blue Chevrolet

8. The Barracudas - Chevy Baby

7. Deer Tick - Chevy Express

6. Foghat - Chevrolet

5. Patrick Gammon - Yo Chevy

4. ZZ Top - Chevrolet

3. Mickey Jupp - Chevrolet

2. Sammy Johns - Chevy Van

1. The Mountain Goats - New Chevrolet In Flames

I hope it's not that last one.

I'm fully aware you won't listen to any of those, but it kept me entertained for an hour or so.

They all came from my music library. I could have put Chevy into a streaming service and come up with a hundred more, but that would have been fake.

They are all phenomenal actually

I will make a CD with them on for it.

Once I get a CD recorder.

Or a CD drive for a laptop.

There's no need to be sarcastic.

I wasn't.

I genuinely appreciated them.

One more then...

I think you should go into work on your last day dressed in Fubu, pretending that that's who you were all along.

I had to google Fubu.

For Us By Us.

I thought it was like Fubar

Or Snafu.

Or just another one of your S&M things.

I only get my bits from M&S, not the full shop.

Have you been tested for dyslexia?

Yes. By the Marquis de Sade. (M de S.) It was a pretty grueling test.

I'm concerned about the company you're keeping.

You stay away from that boy, he's a bad influence.

I thought he was a Smooth Operator.

Did you have a special meal as a celebration for leaving the job?

Or just jam sandwiches?

That's how I picture all your meals.

Maybe the odd ham salad sandwich.

But mainly jam sandwiches and a coffee.

Breakfast, it's jam on toast.

Lunch: jam sandwiches.

Tea: confiture en croute.

I don't like jam sandwiches. I prefer my jam on scones.

So, jam on toast. Ham salad sandwich, scone for tea.

Clotted cream only at weekend.

Or Friday nights.

I eat blueberries too.

I like real blueberries. I prefer rhubarb jam.

As long as we agree quince is the king of jams.

It would be Top 5.

We stopped at a Farm Shop the other day. They're normally a good source of interesting jams. All they had was Strawberry and Raspberry. I burnt the place to the ground.

I'd leave them a two star review on Google.

Because you're a millennial. We did things properly in Gen X.

Joined the NF?

Yes! The New Frontier...

Would you consider this a Large Americano?

Small.

Regular at a push.

I'd finish that and then take the cup to the counter and say you're ready for the other half of your large coffee.

 It was a thimble.

Surely that's a war crime.

Luckily. I carry my matches with me at all times.

I'd get the UN involved.

I prefer to keep my protests apolitical.

Boutros Boutros-Ghali would be furious at that comment.

I call him Al. He always chuckles at that.

I said Boutros Boutros-Ghali... not Chevy Chase.

I know they sound the same.

It's pronounced Gar Lee. Not Gull Lee.

Al-Boutros!

Jesus. Do I have to spell it out for you?

Well, I spelt it correctly.

Again, have you ever been tested for dyslexia?

Saturday Snapshots #29 - The Answers

If yesterday's clues were all a blur to you... allow me to clear them up.



10. Oy! Rossiter! This is what James Bond might drink on the dark side of the moon.

Martin Rossiter is the lead singer of Gene. Bond would have his martini shaken, not stirred, with Pink Floyd.

Pink Martini - Hey Eugene

Charity Chic got the artist, Chris solved the song.

9. Bounce! Mrs. McCartney loses a: rare grown-up caterpillar.

If something is bouncing, it's bobbing up and down. Linda - a = Lind.

Bob Lind - Elusive Butterfly

Alyson broke out of her chrysalis to solve this one.

8. Women can be just like Van Halen. Crying Clitheroe or Weeping Watford?

A Girl Called Eddy - Tears All Over Town

And another one for Alyson!

7. Split up with your lad? Don't turn a drama into a Cold War crisis.

Fall Out Boy - This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race

And another one for... oh. Nobody. Guess that's a point for me then. (Unless it was answered after 9pm Saturday.)

6. Not Chubby Checker. Not New Order.

Fats Domino - Blue Monday

It never occurred to me before that Chubby Checker was just a rip off of Fats Domino. Perhaps it had occurred to Rigid Digit.

5. I'm overjoyed that you put everything you had into this.

Blood, Sweat & Tears - You've Made Me So Very Happy

Lynchie got this. Alyson kicked herself.

4. Make a big fuss while searching for Wonder Woman.

Hue & Cry - Looking For Linda

CC was this week's early bird... despite the fact that these guys had a lot more hair when they had their hits.

3. The next best thing to your daily song about Slash.

The next best thing to sliced bread?

Bread - Guitar Man

A point for C!

2. Swimsuits murder a song about Princess Leia.

Bikini Kill - Rebel Girl

Charity Chic solved this one eventually... though C and Chris were typing the title at the same time.

1. Jazz label gets mixed up with Bill Hicks musical.

The jazz label would be Bluenote. Mix it up and you get Bluetone. This song is named after a Bill Hicks record. Slight Return also owed a debt to Hicks, which was C's guess, but I prefer the track Rigid Digit eventually identified...

(This has a truly awful video - what were they thinking? - so I've posted the audio only.)


By my reckoning, this week's joint winners with 2 1/2 points each are C and CC. Well done, guys. Excellent teamwork as always.

More next week, double-decker buses permitting...

My Top Ten Gene Songs

No, this isn't my Top Ten Songs by the band Gene... although I was tempted, because they were amazing. (And isn't it about time Martin Rossiter released another solo album? The first one was a belter.)

Instead, it's the logical (to me, anyway) conclusion of my Jean / Jeans / Gene trilogy. Most of the songs below are about blokes called Gene or Eugene... a couple of them might be a bit more genetic.

Special mentions to Gene (obviously), Genelab, Geneva, Gene Kelly, Gene Pitney, Gene Watson and... er, Genesis. Plus a number of the gentlemen mentioned below...



10. Foil - Reviver Gene

OK, so it might not be about a bloke called Gene, but it's a forgotten Britpop gem and I wanted to give it a quick play.

Can't find much out about Foil other than that they came from Edinburgh and made a good racket. What else do you need to know?

9. Sufjan Stevens - Eugene

A starkly beautiful cut from Stevens' latest record, the autobiographical Carrie & Lowell.

Emerald Park, wonders never cease
The man who taught me to swim, he couldn't quite say my first name
Like a Father he led community water on my head
And he called me “Subaru”
And now I want to be near you

8. The Monkees - Papa Gene's Blues

Unlike a lot of Monkees songs which were written by other people (including Neil Diamond and Carole King), this is an original Mike Nesmith composition. Nesmith went on to have quite an impressive solo career post-Monkees... I hesitate to say he was the Gary Barlow of his day, because, obviously, he wasn't a wet git.

7. Walter Becker - Selfish Gene

The Steely man who isn't Donald Fagen pokes playful fun at a particular selfish Gene, with typically arch Dan-esque lyrics.

6. Catatonia - My Selfish Gene

Oh, Cerys - such a voice. Heartbreak in every breath.

OK, strictly speaking, this one isn't about a bloke called Gene either... but it is glorious.

5. Teenage Fanclub - Gene Clark

The Fannies pay their dues to Gene Clark, chief songwriter of The Byrds, one of the band's biggest influences. Some fantastic guitar work on this one... ironically, with nary a Byrdsy jangle in sight.

4. Johnny Cash - Daddy, Who's Gene Autry?

To answer Johnny Cash Jr.'s question, his dad reveals that Gene Autry was the singing cowboy... an actor who made almost 100 singing cowboy films between 1934 and 1953. Although he retired in the early 60s, he enjoyed a good old retirement, living until 1998 when he died at the grand age of 91.

Fun fact: the guitar Johnny plays in the video of his gutwrenching version of Hurt was signed by Gene Autry. 

3. Ian Dury & The Blockheads - Sweet Gene Vincent

We discussed Gene Vincent in the Top Ten Jeans Songs - and here's Ian Dury mourning his decline with some Thunderbird wine: possibly the sweetest thing Ian ever recorded... for the first minute twenty... until the rock 'n' roll kicks in. Vincent died in 1971 and has been immortalised in a number of tribute records, including Gene & Eddie by the Stray Cats and Luke Haines' masterful Gene Vincent (Rock 'n' Roll Mums and Rock 'n' Roll Dads).

2. Pink Martini - Hey Eugene

I have to confess that Hey Eugene is the only song I know by Pink Martini - and although it's a cracker, I kinda thought they were one "hit wonders until I did a little digging for this post. Turns out they've released 7 albums since 1997.

Hey Eugene do you remember me?
I'm that chick you danced with two times through the Rufus album Friday night at that party on avenue A:
Where your skinhead friend passed out for several hours on the bathroom floor and you told me
You weren't that drunk, and that I was your favourite Salsa dancer you had ever come across in New York city..

I obviously need to investigate further...

1. Frank Turner - Wherefore Art Thou, Gene Simmons?

As Frank explains in his intro here, he was inspired to write this tribute to the elastic-tongued Kiss frontman after reading his biography and discovering that The Demon (real name Chaim Witz) claims to have slept with 4600 women... and taken a photo of every one. What a... Romeo.

A mother said, "Beware of boys in bands
And certainly don't let them write you songs
For they will come to you on bended knee and kiss your pretty hands
When the singing's done, and the suns up they'll be gone."
While her mother has a point, I might resent the implication.
That every boy who plays guitar plays women like Gene Simmons.

Though, as Frank confesses later in the song, he's not entirely innocent himself...





Which is your Gene Hackman?