I do like a good pun in a pop song. Elvis Costello used to be the king...
There's
a shorthand typist taking seconds over minutes
You
lack lust... you're so lacklustre.
And Billy has had his moments too...
You're
a dedicated swallower of fascism...
Billy Bragg - Accident Waiting To Happen
However, getting a good pun into a song title is much trickier than hiding one in the lyrics of your song. Rock music is full of dreadful puns - much as I might try to defend the reputation of REO Speedwagon, there's no excuse for their 1978 album title, You Can Tune A Piano But You Can't Tuna Fish.
And the less said about Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, the better...
Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie And The Infinite Sadness
Meanwhile, I've seen it suggested online that the song Bruise Pristine by Placebo is a pun on Bruce Springsteen. Not a very good pun, if that's actually true.
Of course, Nigel Blackwell knows his way around a pun...
Half Man Half Biscuit - Dickie Davies Eyes
Half Man Half Biscuit - Excavating Rita
Half Man Half Biscuit - Tess of the Dormobiles
However, there is one song title that beats all challengers when it comes to the title of Greatest Pun Ever... and I'm not talking about this...
Randy Hanzlick, MD (Dr. Rock) - I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me (Than A Frontal Lobotomy)
No, I'm talking about this forgotten classic from Johnny Cash's former backing group, The Statler Brothers. The great thing about this song is that when you hear the title - You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith, Too - you figure there's no way the song is ever going to live up to it. And then it does, with a hilariously touching tale of two-timing and jealousy and the mildest curses you'll ever hear, considering what this guy is putting up with. If I were him, I'd be using words a lot stronger than "you rascal, you!".
Last weekend, Louise and I had a bit of an argument. It wasn't a particularly important one, just one of the hundreds of squabbles most human beings living under the same roof as other human beings will subject themselves to over the course of the year. I can't even remember what it was about now, but at the time I was livid.
I'm kinda putting off tackling the subject of anger in this series, because it's a huge kettle of anchovies. I'm avoiding it because it looks like it'll be hard work... and those of you who read last week's post will realise that's rather counter-productive of me. Hey, I'm not claiming to be following my own advice all the time - take your "physician, heal thyself" comments and stick them where the sun don't shine.
Cleckheaton.
Drive-By Truckers - Sun Don't Shine
Anyway, after the argument, I took myself off to stew in the living room. I hate any kind of disagreement, so will take the first opportunity to run away and do whatever I can to avoid it starting up again. This will usually involve not discussing the subject of the argument or anything else for as long as possible, since any form of communication might re-trigger the aggro. Some people might call this sulking. I prefer to term it Crisis Management.
After about a minute though, Louise came to find me. "Here we go again," I thought, at which point Louise said...
"Are you finding those new tuna tins hard to drain? I find they leave a ring and you have to press down and it doesn't get all the water out so you end up with really mushy tuna and..."
I'll spare you the rest, but it was as though our earlier disagreement hadn't even happened and instantly we were back to discussing the trivial annoyances of day to day living. Well, Louise was, anyway. Me... I find it much harder to reset my emotions like that.
The Band of Holy Joy - Baubles, Bangles, Emotional Tangles
In her immensely readable book Unf*ck Your Brain, the delightfully foul-mouthed Dr. Faith G, Harper tells us...
"Our emotions influence our thoughts and behaviours. They are meant to be a physiological signal to the rest of the brain. Once they have done their jobs, they are then meant to dissipate.
Do you know how long an emotion is actually meant to last?
90 seconds.
Seriously, just one and a half minutes for an emotion to run its course.
But you are calling "bullshit" right now, I know. Because if that were really the case, why do our emotions last hours, days, or years? 90 seconds? Not so much.
Emotions last longer than 90 seconds because we continue to fuel them with our thoughts. We do this by telling ourselves the same stories about the triggering situation over and over. This is when they stop being emotions and start becoming moods."
The Sound - The One And A Half Minute Song
Our emotions last exactly as long as that tune. And this one...
Van Morrison - Hold On, George
And exactly one second longer than this.
The Swell Maps - Read About Seymour
So how do we stop our 90 second emotions becoming full-on hissy fits, extended bouts of pout, or lock-yourself-in-the-toilet meltdowns?
The answer, according to the experts, presumably people who never experience more than 90 seconds of negative emotions at any one time, is to take control of our own feelings and become emotionally self-aware.
Yes, we can self-regulate our emotions!
Warren G ft. Nate Dogg - Regulate
This all seems like a shed-load of work to me, but here's a few tips from Psychology Today about how to stop 90 seconds of upset ruining your entire day...
“Look at the second hand on a watch. As soon as you look at it, you’re now observing yourself having this physiological response instead of engaging with it. It will take less than 90 seconds, and you will feel better. Of course, you can always go back to thinking those thoughts that re-stimulate the loop. There’s probably a thought somewhere in your brain of somebody who did you wrong 20 years ago. Every time you think of that person it still starts that circuit. When things are getting hot and you’re getting hot-headed, look at your watch. It takes 90 seconds to dissipate that anger response.”
The Sweet - Own Up, Take a Look at Yourself
We keep coming back to this on Self-Help For Cynics. Make yourself aware of what your brain is doing as a first step to taking back control. But how easy is that to do in the heat of the moment when your brain is fired up with the matter at hand? I reckon it'll take practice.
Sweary Dr. Faith takes this idea one step further. She suggests facing your emotions head on. Sitting down and wallowing in them. relishing them, living them to their full potential.
Not avoiding them.
Not just putting up with them.
Actually grasping the nettle and saying to yourself, "Hey, I'm angry / frightened / sad / etc. right now. This is what it feels like. It might feel pretty awful, but I know it won't last, so let's just give it a bit of time, give it its space."
Primal Scream - Don't Fight It, Feel It
Again, hardly the easiest course of action - particularly for those of us who are Professional Conflict-Avoiders. But, Dr. Faith assures us...
"If you attend to what you're feeling, you get over it way more quickly than if you avoid it. I've noticed I'm bored with myself about three minutes into committing to sitting with my feeling for five. I'm ready to go make a cup of coffee, read a book, find the cookies I hid from myself, or do anything other than perserverate."
REO Speedwagon - Can't Fight This Feeling
Perseverate, people! That's my word of the week. The kind people at Dictionary Corner tell me it means...
...to repeat or prolong an action, thought, or utterance after the stimulus that prompted it has ceased.
All this makes me think that the brain is like a small child that wants our attention when we're otherwise occupied. You can try to ignore the child's continued efforts to disrupt your day... or you can try to muddle along, balancing the thing you're doing with giving the child a bit of attention. Or you can drop everything and give the child your full attention - blatantly. "OK, I'm watching you... what are you doing? Can I watch you do that too? Show me more! Let me watch YOU!"
I've actually done this with Sam on occasion, and often he'll get bored with this sudden bout of hyper-attention and actually want to be left alone for a bit. The people in the know tells us that our brain will do exactly the same thing... if we give it the attention it craves.
The Creation - How Does It Feel To Feel?
As with everything else in this series, I don't claim any of this is a magic wand or a miracle cure. But it is something to think about...
There are days when outside your window8. Eels - Restraining Order Blues
I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective
When we'll be lovers, lovers at last
7. Doobie Brothers - What A Fool BelievesLife goes on
Nothing is new
Judge made it clear
I can't be near you
Everybody knows that I'm not a violent man
Just someone who knows he's in love...
Weirdly, there's another story connected to this song which makes those lyrics take on a different meaning entirely. When Michael Jackson claimed to have sung uncredited backing vocals on the track, the song's writers, Michael McDonald and Kenny Loggins, went, "Eh? We don't recall that, Michael..."But what a fool believes
He sees
No wise man has the power
To reason away
What seems to be
Is always better than nothing...
You should've seen by the look in my eyes, babyWhen he said that he loved you, he meant that he loved you FOREVER.
There was something missing
You should've known by the tone of my voice, maybe...
But you didn't listen
You played dead
But you never bled
Instead you lay still in the grass
All coiled up and hissing...
Just walk away, ReneeAlthough Billy Bragg's completely different Version (with Johnny Marr on guitar) comes damned close. Luckily, Billy doesn't get arrested for stalking though, even when Renee starts going out with Mr. Potato Head. She cuts her hair and he stops loving her...
You won't see me follow you back home
Now as the rain beats down upon my weary eyes
For me it cries
