Malkmus goes jazz. It makes sense on the album, and Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain is arguably the very best Pavement album. There is a rare version with vocals, but I think I prefer the instrumental... and you won't hear me say that very often. Yeah, I know the 5-4 is a time signature, not a subtraction... but it looks enough like a sum to make the grade.
Of course, this track owes a huge debt to my Number #2 this week... but we'll get to that soon enough.
Britpop casualties, though this out-take from their second album (released only on the Japanese version) stands up strong, if you like that Suede-y sound. Marion are touring the 20th anniversary of their debut record this month. It's good to see there's life in the old dogs yet.
Ralph, Pooch, Tubby, Butch and Tiny give it their all in this triumphant disco anthem. Not as good as Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel or Whodunit, but few things are.
80s cod-reggae McCartney: do I apologise now or later? Look, it's got George Martin on keyboards! Look, it's got Ringo on drums! Look, it's got John Hurt in the video! Look it's got...
How is it possible to be so annoyed by one smugly-slappable star yet find so many of his songs addictive? I wish I understood pop music.
I'm not the world's biggest jazz fan, and certainly no expert, but I won't turn away any genre in my search for a good tune. And Take Five is more than a good tune. It's a masterpiece.
Plus, the composer, Paul Desmond, left the royalties to charity on his death. The American Red Cross make around a hundred grand a year off this song (and other, less famous compositions Desmond bequeathed them).
1. Frank Sinatra - They Can't Take That Away From Me
George & Ira Gershwin. Frank Sinatra at his peak. It doesn't much get better than this.
Of course, there are many other fine versions, by the likes of Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong, Billie Holliday, Natalie Cole, Tony Bennett, Robbie Willia--
If you're going out on the pull tonight, take this blog with you.
Ten corny pick up lines in song... apologies to Marvin (Let's Get It On) Gaye, George (I Want Your Sex) Michael and Franz (Do You Want To?) Ferdinand. You guys were just too obvious. Next time, serve your whopper with cheese. Or a little bit of metaphor, at least...
Said I've been celibate for years,
Not out of choice there's no-one here,
See I can't give my end away,
Another ordinary day,
And I'd love to see a little more of you,
Your clothes would look better on my bedroom floor,
bedroom floor, bedroom floor.
This one's kind of here by accident. I'm convinced there's a better song out there that does justice to the old "I like your clothes - I'd like them more on my bedroom floor" chestnut, but I'll be damned if google can remind me what it is. Arkarna are a deservedly forgotten band from the Britpop era with two dubious claims to fame. Firstly, their guitarist was Lol (10cc / Godley &...) Creme's son Lalo; and secondly, they had a song featured in the soundtrack to Batman & Robin. Yes, the one with Clooney & Arnie.
This is how they try it on in the southern states. Brad is such a cool dude though, he can just about make it work...
'Cause I'd like to see you out in the moonlight
I'd like to kiss you way back in the sticks
I'd like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
And I'd like to check you for ticks.
If you're a space cowboy, a gangster of love, or you're called Maurice, then you're allowed to speak with the pompatus of love. This largely involves using the following chat up line...
I really like your peaches Wanna shake your tree
...and not (apparently) getting your head kicked in. Good luck with that.
Jimmy Buffett is a fascinating character, virtually unknown in the UK, but a big draw in the States among his devoted army of "parrot head" fans. Although the laid back, screw-it-all Margaritaville is his most well known song, this track apparently became an accidental jukebox hit when it was released as the b-side to his single The Great Filling Station Hold Up. You can guess why - though Buffet claims it was a throwaway song he wrote to parody various country hits that carried the same message... with a little more subtlety.
Of course, if you want to be as direct as Jimmy - yet a little more classy - you could always try delivering your chat up line in French. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ce soir)?
Always keen to paint himself as the indie Kenneth Williams, David Gedge brings the phnarr phnarr to this particular line - although it comes in response to a far more direct proposition of infidelity... Will a guilty conscience cause Dave a meltdown?
And when you said: "I've got nothing on beneath this dress", that was such great flirting! I usually find such candidness sort of disconcerting But you said: "I don't wear underwear because it leaves a stripe People sneer, but do you think I care? They're usually not my type!" And soon we're reeling from the beer that we keep buying You ask me what I'm doing here and I start lying You're wondering what is on my mind is it a one night stand? You laugh and say: "Baby I'm not blind!" and then you squeeze my hand But please, let's be quick before it melts...
Gedge might have nicked the line from a bawdy 1964 comedy film starring George Maharis and Robert Morse (Bert Cooper from Mad Men). If so, he greatly improved upon his source material.
Tavares have now appeared two weeks running on this blog, making them the new Morrissey. Mozzer's own version of this particular chat up line, Angel, Angel, We Both Go Down Together, failed to score him any chicks.
Prince (who we'll get to in a moment) achieved his biggest hit in the UK by wooing The Most Beautiful Girl In The World. A clear example of hyperbole - and beauty being in the eye of the beholder. Hell, we could all be the most beautiful girl in the world to someone... even me. (Though admittedly, that particular someone would need a serious eye test.)
Anyway, Jermaine from FOTC chose a similar tactic for seducing his special lady... but he decided to scale back his expectations a little and make his lines a bit more realistic...
And when you're in the street (Depending on the street) I bet you are definitely in the top three Good looking girls on the street (Depending on the street)
Nothing like damning your chances with faint praise! But if that doesn't seal the deal... try this:
You're so beautiful You could be a waitress You're so beautiful You could be an air hostess in the 60s You're so beautiful You could be a part time model (But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job)
You can, of course, blindfold yourself and stick a pin in the Prince discography and chances are you'll hit a cheesy chat up line of the highest order. (Just don't let him see you in the blindfold. He might get ideas.) After all, you don't have to be beautiful to turn him on. He just wants your body, baby, from dusk till dawn. And if he was your girlfriend, would you let him pick your clothes before you go out? Because, let's not forget - nothing compares 2 u.
However, U Got The Look must surely be Prince's most shameless coquetery. Although it does contain a line that, had Jermaine from FOTC delivered it, might have gained him a serious slap in the chops.
U got the look U must have took A whole hour just to make up your face...
Erm... what exactly are you saying there, Purple One? That I need to trowel on the greasepaint before you'll even give me a second glance?
Closin' time, ugly lights, everybody's inspected But you are a natural beauty unaffected Did I say an hour? My face is red, I stand corrected!
Oh, all right then, I'll let you off.
It's not the above exchange that almost takes Prince to the top of this chart, however. It's the chat up line so direct... only he could get away with it:
Your face is jammin' Your body's heck-a-slammin' If love is good Let's get to rammin'
Do you reckon that line worked on Sheena?
1. The Bellamy Brothers - If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?
And so to this week's undisputed champion. You're forgiven if you thought this one was by Dr. Hook... even though I own a Bellamy Brothers Greatest Hits CD, I still always confuse this with the Hook.
The greatest chat up line ever was actually created by Groucho Marx. BB songwriter David Bellamy (no, not that one) nicked the line from Groucho... which means he was on rather shaky ground when he criticised Britney Spears' songwriting team for using the same line in her anodyne 2011 product placement hit Hold It Against Me. Between the two songs, however, there's no comparison. And I'm not just saying that because I'm 43 years old and I consider Britney Spears the spawn of Beelzebub. Which I guess ruins my chances of getting off with her tonight...
So, there's a party in my pants and you're invited... to leave a comment. That's all. Don't get the wrong impression.
It's time to spin the wheel, double your money and decide whether it's deal... or no deal.
I tried to avoid referencing quiz shows that were obviously named after songs - such as Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... Two Tribes, Holding Out For A Hero and The Great Pretender (really: google them if you don't believe me). Thank you for reading. You're so much better than the audience we had last week.
On TV, Wipeout was a pretty non-descript gameshow hosted by Paul 'not a lot' Daniels, then Bob 'Joke Book' Monkhouse. It's musical cousin is much more impressive though...
Originally recorded by The Surfaris, this 1987 remake teamed the famed hip hop-opotamuses with the legendary Beach Boys - and apparently it was all the Beach Boys' idea. Originally due to be recorded with Run-DMC, they were obviously hoping for a Walk This Way style crossover... and they got one. A novelty record, to be sure, but such a joyously fun one, it can't help but bring a smile to your face.
Beat The Clock was an American gameshow that also featured for a number of years as part of ITV's Saturday Night At The London Palladium. That was before even my time. I was, however, fond of Mark & Lard's version on Radio 1 20 years ago... it even featured this Sparks track as its theme tune. Named after the American gameshow, Ron & Russell roped Giorgio Moroder in to produce this one. You can tell from the beat.
Jeopardy is one of America's longest running game shows. Despite various UK versions (on Channel 4, ITV and Sky), it never really took off over here.
Greg Kihn's biggest hit (#2 in the states, though it only made #63 in the UK) benefitted from a bizarre, MTV-bait music video in which Kihn gets wedding day jitters and his bride shows her true colours (she's Skeletor's ugly sister). Then things get really weird. I'm guessing MTV broke a lot of US hits in 1983, songs that never received the same exposure on UK TV.
Weird Al Yankovic's parody of the song ties it even more closely to its gameshow namesake... and Greg Kihn even pops up to rescue Weird Al at the end of the video.
You could argue that this one is a bit of a cheat, but how else am I going to shoehorn this classic glam stompathon into one of my Top Tens?
The TV show is notable - musically - for two other reasons. Firstly, Stuart Maconie's widely believed urban legend that Blockbusters host Bob Holness played the saxophone solo on Gerry Rafferty's Baker Street. And secondly, Half Man Half Biscuit's top tune Hedley Verityesque in which Nigel Blackwell confesses...
But I don't want anymore Stark German film noirs And I could well do without The hand-clapping sequence at the end of Blockbusters...
Although it's not as obvious as the rest of the songs in this chart, this deserves consideration for actually mentioned a game show in its lyrics (not just sharing a name) and also: being great. When Sarah Cracknell's boyfriend gets home from work, he puts the TV on and gets his kicks watching Bruce on the old Generation Game. He needs to get his priorities right...
You have to be of a certain age to remember Whodunit?: a crimebusting Cluedo-esque panel game quiz show that ran in the 70s, originally hosted by Shaw Taylor, then Edward Woodward, and finally Jon Pertwee (the host I vaguely recall).
While it's pretty easy to forget the show, no one should ever forget this top disco hit of a similar vintage in which the Tavares brothers (Ralph, Pooch, Chubby, Butch & Tiny) enlist the aid of a roll call of fictional detectives (including Sherlock Holmes, Ellery Queen, Kojak, Dirty Harry and McCloud... well, it was the 70s) to solve the mystery of "who stole my baby?" The problem was: everyone in the room looked shady...
For those of us who grew up with Kylie & Jason era Neighbours, Henry Kelly's Going For Gold was the show we left the TV on for. A few years later, Rick Witter and chums paid homage with this, one of the best lad-rock tunes of the Britpop era.
If you ask me, Noel Gallagher lies awake at night wishing he could have written a song as uplifting as Going For Gold.
1. Pulp - Countdown
Of course, Pulp were around long before Britpop. And this is one of their very best songs from a time when very few people had heard of them. For many years, I carried around in my wallet a little clipping from an interview with Jarvis where he explained what this song was about, "feeling like you're standing on a launchpad, waiting for your life to finally take off". Why I did that, I don't really know. You do some pretty weird things when you're young and lonely and seemingly without hope.
Countdown is one of the longest running gameshows in the world - although the UK version (originally featuring the late Richard Whiteley and Carol 'I'm in Mensa, me' Vorderman) is still a bairn compared to the French original which has been on TV since 1965.
Those were my top quiz show songs... which is your Winner Takes All... and which one was Pointless?
