My Top Ten 'How To...' Songs

Pop bands, eh? They're an endless source of wisdom for those of us struggling to negotiate the perilous rapids of L-I-F-E. If they weren't writing hit (and non-hit) songs, they'd be writing self-help books. Here's a sampling of the 'How To...' advice I've received throughout my listening years...


10. Everclear - How To Win Friends & Influence People

I love Everclear, but really...

It's a beautiful day, yeah
If you look up in the air, you can see the sky
It's a beautiful day, yeah
If you stare at the sun, you would burn your eyes

 It's hardly Dale Carnegie, is it?

9. The Fray - How To Save A Life

One of those big, earnest piano-rock ballads that could be Coldplay... but isn't, so we can just about cope with it. Can't we?

8. Future Bible Heroes - How To Get Laid In Japanese 

Good old Stephin Merrit, translating his chat-up best lines into Japanese so we don't have to. Not that I'd pay him much attention: his success rate can't be that good, based on this song from his other band, The Magnetic Fields.

7. ABC - How To Be A Millionaire

Of all the advice offered in this list, this could definitely be the most important. Unfortunately, Martin Fry has little in the way of answers.

6. Luke Haines - How To Hate The Working Classes

Dressed like that you're gonna get roughed up
You're like a benefit scrounger in a fun pub
I'll meet you on the corner of Amherst Road
Let's start a party of our own

 Don't worry, Luke hates the middle and upper classes just as much.

5. Band of Horses - How To Live

From their brand new album, Mirage Rock, the Horsemen show us how to write another beautiful slab of harmonic Americana. And they make it look so easy.

4. The Pernice Brothers - How To Live Alone

Surviving isn't enough for Joe Pernice. This longtime Smiths fan is struggling to find a way to get through all on his own-some.

Keep a foot out of the blacker end
Keep away the crush of years
But we prayed too hard and everything was ordinary
A life without the bitterness of years

3. The Melting Ice-Caps - How To Appear Well-Adjusted

Have a shower every day of the week

and look as if you mean it.

Gentlemen should keep their stubble short

and so should ladies.

Take the papers given out in the street;

sit yourself on the bus.

Turn the pages like the words hold any meaning.

Smile and say hello to all your colleagues,

sometimes stop to talk.

Steer the conversation clear of dangerous topics.

Count to ten before you send that email

or post an angry blog,

and if it’s already gone, be prepared to grovel.

That’s how to seem as if you’re a normal person,

how to look all right,

how to seem convincing and well-adjusted.

We are the experts, so we ought to know.

2. Radiohead - How To Disappear Completely

Something we all must feel like doing every now and then, Thom Yorke more than most. 

1. Elvis Costello - How To Be Dumb

The album Mighty Like A Rose contains some of my favourite Costello lyrics. The only advice he has to offer in this song though is How To Be A Misanthrope. And who needs any help with that?

Now you're masquerading as pale powdered genius
Whose ever bad intention has been purged
You could've walked out any time you wanted but 
Face it, you didn't have the courage
I guess that makes you a full time hypocrite 
Or some kind of twisted dilettante
Funny though, people don't usually get so ugly 
Till they think they know what they want
Scratch your own head stupid
Count up to three
Roll over on your back
Repeat after me

Don't you know how to be dumb?
Are you ready to take your place in the modern museum of mistakes?
Don't you know how to be dumb?
Like a building thrown up overnight in one of those reverse earthquakes.

My advice to you: leave a comment now.

My Top Ten Queen Singles

Queen were the first band I ever truly loved. The idea of choosing only ten of their songs was just too daunting. So here's my Top Ten of the stuff everybody knows. Give me a break - I still had FORTY songs to choose from. One day I'll bore you with my Top Ten Queen Album Tracks. Until then...

10. Headlong

The last great Queen single, by which time Freddie was a shadow of his former self. Not that you'd know it, listening to this.

9. Hammer To Fall

Not the obvious choice from The Works album, but although Radio Gaga soundtracked my adolescence ("I'd sit alone and watch your light, my only friend through teenage nights") and I Want To Break Free features the wonderful video that ended the band's American career, there's something special about Hammer To Fall. Might be the guitar hero power chords - Brian May did invent the air guitar, after all.

8. Spread Your Wings

I'll be honest, I didn't even know this had been released as a single. It only ever reached number 34 in the charts, but it's always been a favourite.

7. Tie Your Mother Down

Tie your mother down
Tie your mother down
Take your little brother swimmin'
With a brick that's all right

6. Breakthru

Late 80s Queen is often dismissed by purists... but then, Queen are often dismissed by musos in general. What do musos know? I was 17 when this song came out and I sank my heart into it, convinced it was the anthem that would change things between me and whichever lacklustre young lass was ignoring my feeble attentions that week.

Still - Queen perform atop a high speed locomotive in the video. What else do you need?

5. Killer Queen

I keep meaning to write an in-joke into one of my comics in which a certain character keeps her Moët & Chandon in a pretty cabinet. Nobody would get the joke, but it'd make me smile every time I looked at it.

4. You're My Best Friend

If I'm in the right frame of mind, this song makes me weep. I know, I'm weird.

3. Seven Seas Of Rhye

Nobody did utter nonsense quite like Freddie & the gang. This, their first ever hit, ends on a slice of music hall frippery that never fails to remind me of the opening to The Queen Is Dead. Coincidence?

Meanwhile, just listen to that piano!

2. Bohemian Rhapsody

You may have expected to find this at number one. Or you might have predicted I'd be controversial and drop it from the list entirely. It's impossible to ignore though, and there was a time in my life when I considered it the greatest song ever written. Me, Wayne, and Garth... party on - excellent! 

1. Somebody To Love

Before I discovered The Smiths, this song was my How Soon Is Now.

Each morning I get up I die a little...

Any other Queen fans out there? Outraged that I didn't have room for A Kind Of Magic, Flash, or Crazy Little Thing Called Love. I feel your pain... but there can be only ten.

My Top Ten Berry Songs

Fruity berries... because it's harvest time. The internet informs me that strawberries aren't actually berries... but bananas are. I don't believe everything I read on the internet, but for the sake of argument - to make this list, all songs must have the word "berry" in the TITLE. That's the rules for today.

Special mentions go to Strawberry Switchblade, Strawberry Alarm Clock, Strawberry Whiplash, Strawberry Story, The Cranberries, and, of course, Chuck. But not Nick. Never Nick. (That said, isn't it about time some tosspot from the X-Factor did a really bad cover of Every Loser Wins, just to get us all nostalgic for the original?)

10. The Beatles - Strawberry Fields Forever

I think I'm almost through my Hating The Beatles phase. I'm starting to appreciate them again.

That said, depending on your age and whether or not you're still sorted for Es and Wizz, you may prefer the Candy Flip version.

Me, I'd rather have the Hayseed Dixie version. That's some damned fast finger-pickin'!

9. Everclear - Strawberry

The one you've probably never heard of, and reckon shouldn't even be here. Luckily, it's my blog - and I like Everclear!

8. Ron Sexsmith - Strawberry Blonde

Had a hard day at work? Turn the lights down, put this on and...chill.

7. Super Furry Animals - Cloudberries

A song about hummingbirds. I think.

6. The Dentists - Strawberries Are Growing In My Garden (And It's Wintertime)

Tonight I'm going to party like it's 1985.

5. Ocean Colour Scene - Huckleberry Grove

One of their best songs, and it was only ever a b-side. 

4. The Move - Blackberry Way

The dark night of the summer of love.

3.  Prefab Sprout - Blueberry Pies

We're getting a lot of Prefab Sprout on this blog. There's a very good reason for that: Paddy McAloon is FANTASTIC.

Plus, blueberries are my favourite fruit.Which brings us to...

2. Fats Domino - Blueberry Hill

Where else can you find your thrill?

1. Prince - Raspberry Beret

Untouchable... but don't blame me if the video below doesn't work by the time you hit play. His highness does hate youtube. UPDATE... oops, spoke too soon - he's removed it. Good old Prince. Here's the Hindu Love Gods version instead...


 



Gilbert O'Sullivan's greatest hits album is called 'The Berry Vest of Gilbert O'Sullivan'. (I really need to find a way to shoehorn some Gilbert O'Sullivan into one of these Top Tens.) So, with that in mind, which is your Berry Vest Serry Bong?

My Top Ten Cocktail Songs

Fancy a drink?

Even when I was a drinking man, I was never really a cocktail fan. That Tom Cruise film was enough to put me off for life.

Special mention, of course, goes to Bucks Fizz, one of the first pop bands ever to catch my eye. Obviously the bit when the skirts came off did it for me. I was at a very impressionable age.


10. Frightened Rabbit - (Old) Old Fashioned

No Sex On The Beach or Screaming Orgasms for these guys.

9. Drugstore featuring Thom Yorke - El Presidente

Drugstore do their best to cheer Thom Yorke up with a few cocktails. It doesn't work. He still goes off and kills the president.

8. The Bluetones - Mudslide

Featuring Matt Lucas and David Walliams in the video. Presumably they were paid in vodka, Kahlua and Baileys.

7. Feist - Brandy Alexander

He's my Brandy Alexander
Always gets me into trouble
But that's another matter
Brandy Alexander

If you need further clarification of what this song's about...

Brandy Alexander
Goes down easy

6. Alannah Myles - Black Velvet

Was she most famous for this song.... or those leather chaps?

5. PJ Harvey - Kamikaze

PJ Harvey... Wallbanger?

4. The Crimea - White Russian Galaxy

The Dude's favourite beverage.

3. Jimmy Buffett - Margaritaville

Or, if you prefer, Marguerita Time by THE QUO.

One of them is spelling it wrong.

2. The Eagles - Tequila Sunrise

Perfect for a hot sunny afternoon... if you can remember what those are.

1. Rupert Holmes - Escape (The Pina Colada Song)

Come on... it had to be! I mean, if you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain... if you're not into health food... if you have half a brain...

Not sure about the making love at midnight bit. I'm usually asleep by then. Obviously getting old.



If music be the drink of love... which tuneful tipple take your fancy?

My Top Ten Kitchen Songs

Because we've recently had a new kitchen fitted... all designed, planned and sorted by Louise. My contribution is pretty much this blog post.


10. Martika - Martika's Kitchen

I'd forgotten all about this. It was written by Prince, hence: it's probably a thinly veiled metaphor for sexy time.

9. Field Music - In The Kitchen

No idea what this one's about though.

8. Little Jackie - The Kitchen

You can't go wrong if you're rhyming 'kitchen' with 'bitchin'.

7. The Young Knives - Kitchener

The Young Knives Need YOU!

6. UB40 - Rat In Mi Kitchen

What are you gonna do?

5. Prefab Sprout - Venus of the Soup Kitchen

When you're scared of down and out
You keep it to yourself and if anyone suspects
You say: "Who me ? Hardly!"
You tell him "Thank your stars, this isn't Derby day
'Cos it's clear you've got the gift for backing the wrong horse, Charlie."

The lyrics in this song are truly beautiful, yet most of it's the way Paddy sings them. Wonderful phrasing, worthy of Sinatra the way he takes the vocal melody in such surprising directions.

4. Old Crow Medicine Show - Mary's Kitchen

Come on in to Mary's kitchen...
...if you want your sausage ground

Ouch.

3. Jona Lewie - You'll Always Find Me in the Kitchen at Parties

Spoiled somewhat since it was adopted by Ikea, but nevertheless, this is still the best Jona Lewie song not about Winston Churchill and Christmas. Great bored-out-of-their-heads backing singers in the video too.

2. Band of Horses - Evening Kitchen

Simply gorgeous.

1. The Lemonheads - Kitchen

Thrilled to be in the same postcode as you...

It's A Shame About Ray is 20 years old this year. How can that be possible?



Those are the songs playing in our new kitchen. Which one gets you dancing round the Smeg? (No, we didn't buy a Smeg. What do you think we are, made of money?)