Celebrity Jukebox #29: Nerys Hughes

I'm really enjoying researching and writing this feature, which is why you're getting it three times a week at the moment, whether you like it or not. (Also, doing so gives me less opportunity to whinge.) However, after the mammoth investigations of Lou Ferrigno and Bill Bixby, I figured I'd pick someone a little easier for the latest installment. Surely there can't be more than one song about Nerys Hughes... can there?

Well, there was one more than I knew about.

Snuff - Timebomb

(Link is to the full album, so you have to scroll through to track 3. I'd like to tell you it's worth the effort, but... well, let's just say you'll be glad I transcribed the lyrics for you.)

Sad bag of cliches sitting on a timb bomb.

Ask Nerys Hughes it's a very short fuse.

Go find Alfie ask about the road rage,

Odds on it's kicking off somewhere near you.

Nerys Hughes enjoyed ten years mucking about as one of The Liver Birds before clearing off back to Wales to become The District Nurse. The fact that Nerys was a Welsh bird doing a ropey Liverpudlian accent for all that time seems to have incensed The Pope of Birkenhead, Nigel Blackwell. He also takes offence at Carla Lane, the writer who popularised Scouse cliche for humour in both The Liver Birds and Bread. 

Half Man Half Biscuit - Let's Not

Come on into my world

Where everything is done without Carla Lane

Come into my world

Where Vanburn Holder joins a local grindcore outfit 

But this is why we came here today. Nerys is, according to the always essential Half Man Half Biscuit Lyrics Project, not a fan...

Half Man Half Biscuit - I Hate Nerys Hughes (From The Heart)

Namesakes #1: Nirvana

I was going to call this feature Gramophone Homophone, but I got all tangled up trying to explain the difference between homophones, homonyms and homographs (even for an English teacher, that's not easy). Plus, Namesakes just seemed easier for my aching fingers to type every week.

Simply put, a Namesake is two (or more) bands that have the same name either in spelling or (very occasionally) in pronunciation, but a very different sound. I'll play you a song by each, you just have to tell me (vote!) which you prefer. I will announce the winner next week.

It's much easier to explain with an example, so we'll start with the obvious one. Here are two bands called Nirvana...

NIRVANA #1

In 1965, Irish musician Patrick Campbell-Lyons and Greek composer Alex Spyropoulos formed the first Nirvana, a bunch of prog-psych-baroque-concept album chin-scratchers who were one splashed with black paint by Salvador Dali during a French TV appearance, though Dali refused to sign their clothes afterwards, so I doubt they made any money on that. They split up after their third album in the early 70s, then started reformed in the mid-80s, just in time to come to a nice out of court settlement with Kurt Cobain when he started using the same band name soon after. Iffypedia suggests "Cobain's record label paid $100,000 to the original Nirvana to permit Cobain's band continued use of the name", which is a rather clumsily worded way of saying that Campbell-Lyons and Spyropoulos made more money out of Kurt than they did out of Salvador.

This is their biggest "hit", reaching #34 in the UK charts in 1968. It might be the first record to use flanging throughout the whole track, or it might not. It's from the album "The Existence of Chance Is Everything and Nothing While the Greatest Achievement Is the Living of Life, and so Say ALL OF US". Marc Bolan bought ten copies. 

NIRVANA #2

Our second Nirvana needs no introduction, so I won't give them one. 

I do sometimes wonder where Nirvana would be today, and how they would be considered, had Kurt Cobain not taken his own life. We might never have had the Foo Fighters, for a start. And what a huge loss that would be to rock music. (You can take that last sentence however you choose to.) 

There are far more obvious Nirvana songs to choose, but I selected Sliver to go up against Rainbow Chaser. Despite Cobain's reputation from grungy angst, this is a simple and sweet tune about not wanting to spend the day eating mashed potato and tough meat at your grandparents' house while your mum and dad are out partying. I love it.

There we go. Two Nirvanas to choose from. But which one will get your vote? 

Celebrity Jukebox #28: Bill Bixby

Following on from Friday's Lou Ferrigno post, here's his other half...

"Mr. McGee... don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

With all due respect to Lou, the true star of The Incredible Hulk TV show wasn't the big green guy with the muscles... it was his quieter, calmer alter ego, Dr. David Banner. Bill Bixby did the quiet man role masterfully, bottling up his rage until he just couldn't hold it in any more... and then, the pupils went wide. More than that though, he cut a truly tragic figure as a itinerant loner, doomed never to settle down. That was always the final shot of the show, Banner taking that long walk out of town, the emotion turned up to eleven with the help of Joe Hammell's heart-wrenching Lonely Man Theme.

The Incredible Hulk was actually Bill Bixby's fourth major TV role. He'd previously starred in the sitcoms My Favourite Martian and The Courtship of Eddie's Father, followed by the lead role as a crime-fighting conjurer in The Magician. But it was David Banner (changed from the comic book Bruce Banner as the producer didn't like alliterative names) that guaranteed his immortality. Nobody could make a walk out of town seem quite so devastating.   

The fact that, at any second, Billy Bixby could go total Hulk on yo' ass endears him greatly to the rap community. As with Lou Ferrigno, he gets name-dropped by everyone from Ice Cube, Lil Wayne and P Diddy to De La Soul and Public Enemy. 

And then there's this...

Red Pillar - Bill Bixby

Not to mention this dude...

Bill Bixby - WTF Happened?

And this one...

David Banner - Mightgetcha

You get the picture. (Yes, we see.)

Meanwhile, David Banner's famous catch-phrase also crops up all over the place, most notably here...

Thom Yorke - YouWouldn'tLikeMeWhenI'mAngry

And considering Prince's boss was called Mr. McGee in the track below, I'm betting the Purple One could well have turned Green... if he hadn't been a bit too leisurely.

Prince - Raspberry Beret

However, right back at the beginning of this post (in the late 1970s), I proclaimed Bill Bixby the winner over his large green alter ego. And the reason for that is the tune below, a far better Bill Bixby song than any I could find that mentioned Lou Ferrigno. 

Bill Bixby died of prostate cancer in the early 90s, but he lives on in my record collection thanks to another Bill, Mr. Callahan of Smog, a man who clearly appreciates the power of a slow stroll of out of town.

You know I used to share a tailor

With David Bruce Banner

That's the Hulk

Traveling jackets and traveling bags

Future rags

And shoes good for walking highways

But never quite far enough away

To see how good and easy it could be

If I just got angry

But I never got angry

Maybe I should have

I could have cleared some things away

In those old Bill Bixby days

Snapshots #255: A Top Ten Greek Mythology Songs

This is Gal Gadot, the 21st Century Wonder Woman. Yesterday, we had Linda Carter, the 20th Century version. Wonder Woman is a superhero who traces her origins back to Greek Mythology. And here are ten songs that do the same...

10. Pucker up.

Pogue is an Irish kiss. As in Pogue Mahone, which tells you to kiss my... well, you know the rest.

The Pogues - The Wake of the Medusa

9. Meryl, Julianne, Nicole.

Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore and Nicole Kidman starred in the movie The Hours.

The Hours - Icarus

Great song. Great band. Much missed.

8. Halfway through, it stops moving.

Midway Still - Cyclops

Extra points if you got that one.

7. What are real berks worth?

"Real berks worth" is an anagram.

Walker Brothers - Orpheus

6. Canadian city haunted by Russian ghost.

Regina is the capital of the Saskatchewan province.

A ghost is a spectre. In Russian, that might be a Spektor.

Regina Spektor - Oedipus  

5. If the Hulk played violin and cello, this is what he'd call his group.

He'd be incredible with the strings, don't you think?

The Incredible String Band - The Minotaur's Song

4. When Elvis Costello meets Kathy Kirby, they drop their aliases.

Elvis Costello is really Declan McManus. 

Kathy Kirby was really Catherine Ethel O'Rourke.

Put them together and you get...

Declan O'Rourke - Zeus & Apollo

3. Late celebrity.

Midnight Star - Midas Touch

2. Confused mod.

That may be the shortest anagram I've ever featured.

OMD - Pandora's Box

1. Popeye boldly goes to kiss Kelly.

Gene Hackman played Popeye Doyle in The French Connection.

Gene Roddenberry created Star Trek.

Gene Simmons is in Kiss.

And finally, we have Gene Kelly.

Gene - Olympian

It's a Herculean task, but there will be more Snapshots next Saturday...

Saturday Snapshots #255

Saturday's here everyone! Time to put on your satin tights and fight for your rights! Right answers, anyway. 

Here are ten clues to wonder about... can you work out what links the songs?

10. Pucker up.

9. Meryl, Julianne, Nicole.

8. Halfway through, it stops moving.

7. What are real berks worth?

6. Canadian city haunted by Russian ghost.

5. If the Hulk played violin and cello, this is what he'd call his group.

4. When Elvis Costello meets Kathy Kirby, they drop their aliases.

3. Late celebrity.

2. Confused mod.

1. Popeye boldly goes to kiss Kelly.

Wonder no more! The answers will be revealed tomorrow morning. 

Celebrity Jukebox #27: Lou Ferrigno

I've read comics all my life. I can't afford to buy them anymore, so I just read them online through a monthly subscription app. Stream them, I guess. Then again, when I started buying comics they were 10p each. Nowadays they're over three quid a pop - I don't know how modern collectors do it.

Two things got me into reading comics. One was the 70s Spider-Man cartoon, the one with the immortal theme tune. But as much as Spidey became my number one hero, he wasn't the star of the first comic I owned. That was Hulk Comic, which my mum bought me because I loved the old TV show starring Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno. 

Ferrigno was a body builder who initially became famous when he featured in the 1975 documentary Pumping Iron alongside a young Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Scharzenegger was considered for the role of the Hulk, but lost out in the end because he was three inches shorter than Ferrigno.) 

Having lost almost 80% of his hearing as a child, young Lou retreated into a fantasy world of super-hero comics and body-building to avoid the bullies. Excellent preparation for his time as the Incredible Hulk... and for being Michael Jackson's personal trainer for over 20 years. 

You can pretty much guarantee that anyone who's known for being a tough guy will be name-checked in about 300 rap songs, and that's certainly true for Lou. You'll easily find him associating with everyone from Ice Cube to Eminem to Busta Rhymes, plus a bunch of other guys even hardcore rap fans probably never heard of. 

Lou Ferrigno's name features in more song titles than anyone else I've so far investigated for this feature... although none of them are by anyone you've ever heard of. Don't believe me? Try these (or don't, I won't be offended)...

Bob King - Lou Ferrigno

Staunch Moderates - Lou Ferrigno

Antanequiaa Da Bbw - Lou Ferrigno

Mr. Muthafuckin' eXquire - Lou Ferrigno's Mad

But wait! They're not all obscure rap songs!

Crash & the Crapenters - Lou Ferrigno

Badass Cowboys - The Ballad of Lou Ferrigno

Moussa - Lou Ferrigno

Glitch Moth - Lou Ferrigno

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. There's plenty more out there if you like scraping barrels. 

By this point in my search I was starting to get desperate. What were the chances of finding any Lou Ferrigno songs in my own record collection? Well, as it turned out... zilch. The closest I got was an unreleased Weezer b-side featuring Rage Against The Machine's Tom Morello on guitar...

Weezer - Caveman (demo)

Who needs another Lou Ferrigno?

Splitting his shirt when things slip out of his control

Wise men do say that honey gets more bees than vinegar

I'm not sure, so I guess I'll try and let a tantrum out

And an obscurity from They Might Be Giants, a band I have a lot of time for, although this isn't one of their finest moments...

They Might Be Giants - Sold My Mind to The Kremlin 

With no place in the processional

And no seats in the convention hall

I sold my mind to the Kremlin

On the 4th of July.

I was wearing a Yoda mask

You were talking like Lou Ferrigno

A hat made of paper

A vest made of ugly

An intercom with just one button

Despite these many lyrical references, I feel a genuine tribute to Lou Ferrigno has yet to be written. Maybe Ed Sheeran can give it a go...

In the meantime, here's a huge comic book fan with his own tribute to The Incredible Hulk... although Lou sadly doesn't get a mention.

 

What about the Incredible Hulk's other half? Well, it turns out I had slightly more luck with Bill Bixby... as you'll see next time.

Positive Songs For Negative Times #75: The Wasps!

This was the summer of the wasps.

On the first day of the summer holidays, Sam and one of his school friends were building a den in some bushes next to the local playing field while their two dads chatted in the sunshine. Suddenly the boys ran screaming from the bushes, chased by wasps. Both were stung repeatedly. For the rest of the summer, Sam has gone full Tasmanian Devil at the first sign of a wasp... which has been something of a pain while on holiday, because there are more wasps than ever this year. "Britain" is "under attack from 'drunk' German wasps that 'go nuts' and sting for no reason," says The Daily Star, so it must be true. Always nice for a national newspaper to find a way to stir up racist sentiment even in a story about wasps. Stan Boardman would be proud.

Wherever they came from, there's no doubt that the wasps are in abundance right now, and they're out for blood. I was stung myself last week while visiting a nature reserve. First wasp sting in 45 years: on holiday as a young boy, I picked up a fallen apple from in an orchard and took a bite... only to find a wasp hiding inside...

Wasps often get bad press, though scientists argue they bring important ecological benefits. But frankly, I've grown bloody sick of being surrounded by them whenever I open my sandwiches this summer. Buzz, quite literally, off!

Who better to play today than Sting?

Here are a few answers to that question...

The Candle Thieves - Catching Wasps

Sufjan Stevens - The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is out to Get Us!

The National - Wasp Nest

The Black Crowes - Sting Me

Elvis - I Got Stung

Celebrity Jukebox #26: Rosanna Arquette

In 1985, Rosanna Arquette won the best supporting actress BAFTA for her role in Desperately Seeking Susan. I'm not suggesting this was made easier by the fact that her co-star wasn't really great shakes in the acting department... then again, Sean Penn was also in that movie, so Rosanna did have some competition. 

Desperately Seeking Susan is a mistaken identity movie, based on the premise that someone might think Madonna and Rosanna are the same person because they wear the same jacket. Well, Mary Prankster has a few thoughts about that...

Mary Prankster - Breakfast

"Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?" he said

"Rosanna Arquette doesn't look like a thing like Madonna

And you'd have to be a moron

To desperately seek either one."

Rosanna Arquette also appeared in Pulp Fiction, After Hours, Crash and a bunch of other movies and TV shows. She also has a few famous siblings, meaning this might not be the last time an Arquette features here. However, her biggest claim to immortality surely comes from the fact that she inspired not one but two huge 80s songs. 

The first is the most obvious. Rosanna was dating Toto keyboard player Steve Porcaro at the time this was written by the band's other keyboard player, David Paich, and sung by Bobby Kimball. Could have been awkward, although Paich claimed the song was actually about his old high school girlfriend and Not About Rosanna Arquette At All. 

Many years later, he confessed that might have been a bit of a lie... by which time, Rosanna and Steve Porcaro were history anyway.

All I wanna do when I wake up in the morning is see your eyes

Rosanna, Rosanna

I never thought that a girl like you could ever care for me

Rosanna

All I wanna do in the middle of the evening is hold you tight

Rosanna, Rosanna

I didn't know you were looking for more than I could ever be

Soon after, Rosanna ended up in a relationship with Peter Gabriel. When director Cameron Crowe wanted to use a song from the album So in his movie Say Anything, Rosanna apparently persuaded Gabriel to let him have it. (Apparently Gabriel asked to see a rough cut of the movie first and was willing to let them use his song, although he didn't like the downbeat ending... but the production company had sent him the wrong film anyway.) All this led to a particularly iconic (and much parodied) scene featuring John Cusack and Ione Skye...

In your eyes

The light, the heat (in your eyes)

I am complete (in your eyes)

I see the doorway (in your eyes)

To a thousand churches (in your eyes)

The resolution (in your eyes)

Of all the fruitless searches (in your eyes)

The cognoscenti are convinced Gabriel wrote this song about Rosanna Arquette, although Pete has refused to Say Anything. Rosanna married film composer James Newton Howard the following year, So... 

Not wanting to end on such a downbeat note, I found one more song that mentions Rosanna Arquette, by the French answer to Neil Hannon, Vincent Delerm. This is from his 2004 album, Kensington Square, although the title rather dates it. "Les filles de 1973 ont trente ans" translates as "The girls of 1973 are thirty years old". Well, next year, they'll be 50, Vincent. Will they still be wearing their bandanas and Rosanna Arquette Reeboks then? Let's hope so...

Grumpy Old Men Songs #20: Another Bloody Holiday!?

We were on holiday again last week. I realise as I type those words that it puts me in direct competition with Charity Chic for most holidays in one year, but all the others were just short breaks, I did turn 50, one of them was carried over from Covid, and one of them was just to get me and Sam out of the house for a few days as Louise works from home.

Anyway, this was our last one, and to be honest, it was a bit of an endurance test. May well have been the holiday that broke the camel's back. Nearly broke mine, for sure.

Norfolk is a very nice place, but it's at least a 4 hour journey (5 1/2 hours on the way back as they'd helpfully closed the main route and not put proper diversions in place) and we've never been there during the summer holidays before. There was a heatwave as we arrived, we couldn't get anywhere near a beach (except at sunset), we melted the oven in the holiday cottage on the first night (long story) and Louise ended the week with food poisoning. Those were the highlights.

Well, there were some nice bits too, but I certainly didn't come back feeling rested and relaxed. Good job I've still got another two weeks before I go back to work. (Insert "Bloody teachers!" comment here.) 

We also met some very annoying people whilst away. Which put me in mind of this new, yet already classic, Grumpy Old Man song by Chuck Brodsky...

Half the people have gone crazy

The other half have all gone mad

And I could make a fortune selling bridges

If I hadn’t sold the last one that I had

Half the people have no idea

The other half, they haven’t got a clue

They’ll believe anything anyone’ll tell them

Unless it can be proven to be true

Half the people are just plain coo-coo

The other half are just plain loony toons

Bite your tongue, you can’t talk sense to any of ‘em

They hate you when you burst their balloons

Half the people are talking rubbish

The other half are all just talking crap

You’ve got to be careful and remind yourself

Not to take the bait and step into a trap

Half the people nowadays are bonkers

The other half have all gone insane

Everybody everywhere looks angry

And they need to blame somebody for their pain

(I'd like to point out that anyone reading this blog is naturally excluded from the above. You're all the exceptions that prove the rule. Thank you.)

Celebrity Jukebox #25: Paul Robeson

When I started looking up famous actors and actresses for this feature, I was shocked by just how few of them were people of colour. It's only in the last couple of years that diverse on-screen representation has really caught on, to the point that we're now starting to hear white male actors whinging they can't get the parts anymore. Here's the World's Smallest Violin playing just for them.

Singer, actor, professional footballer and game-changing political activist Paul Robeson is held up by many as the first true African American superstar, paving the way for the likes of Sidney Poitier and Harry Belafonte. Of course, he paid the price for being a pioneer when the FBI blacklisted him as a subversive during the McCarthy era. 

Woody Guthrie was naturally an admirer of Robeson's, although his song wasn't recorded until Billy Bragg and Wilco took charge of his archive in the 90s...

Billy Bragg & Wilco - My Thirty Thousand

Black 47 were a controversial white American Celtic rock band who counted among their roster former Dexys saxophonist Geoff Blythe. This was their own tribute to Robeson...

Black 47 - Paul Robeson (Born to be Free)

I was surprised not to find loads of black stars name-dropping Robeson (Sidney & Denzel are far more frequently rapped about). Here's a couple of notable exceptions...

Black Thought - Soundtrack to Confusion (Streams Of Thought Vol. 2)

I'm colder than Paul Robeson leadin' Othello

I'm older than the barcode, it ain't easy to tell though

(Points for that rhyme.)

And this, from the Wu Tang founder, which is bang up to date...

RZA - Under The Sun

Sword swing, like that old king from Camelot

Voice like Paul Robeson

Wit' a Mayweather robe on

(Not as many points for that rhyme.)

Of course, it was inevitable that Gil Scott-Heron would acknowledge Robeson...

Gil Scott-Heron - Bicentennial Blues

The blues grew up in Satchmo’s horn, 

On Duke’s piano and Langston’s poetry, 

On Robeson’s baritone

...and only slightly less so that he'd be a hero of the Manics, considering both his long career of political activism, spurred on by his support of Welsh miners in the 1930s. Their tribute samples Robeson's spoken word performance of Freedom Train from that time. Powerful stuff. 

Snapshots #254: A Top Ten Salt & Pepper Songs

This is Anthony Kiedis. He's a Red Hot Chilli Pepper. Unfortunately, he doesn't sing any songs about Salt or Peppers, so I can't play any tunes by him. Also, I prefer Flea. He was in Back To The Future, at least.

Ten songs to sprinkle on your chips...

10. Unknown corpse.

That would be a John Doe. As in the former lead singer of the US punk band X, now trading in slightly less rowdy Americana...

John Doe - Grain Of Salt

9. Red, orange, yellow, green, Sandra Denton.

All different colours of peppers... along with Sandra Denton, aka Pepa from Salt n Pepa. Get up on this!

These guys, on the other had, were French Peppers. 

The Peppers - Pepper Box 

8. Mr. Raoul Chop.

Anagram!

Procol Harum - A Salty Dog

7. Edward Kennedy: neither thin nor white... and certainly not a cowboy.

Edward Kennedy Ellington, better known as Duke. Not the Thin White Duke, nor John Wayne.

Duke Ellington - Blue Pepper (Far East of the Blues)

6. Found in Jacob Obama and Crewe Iron Man; also thankful to be gone.

Jacob Obama and Crewe Iron Man. Of the Grateful Dead.

Bob Weir - Salt Lake City

5. Batter Dawson.

Beat Les.

The Beatles - Sgt Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band

4. Son of a passenger.

One of the passengers in the car above had a son...

Julian Lennon - Saltwater

3. What if the Beach Boys were a bunch of arses?

The Butthole Surfers - Pepper

Despite the dubious band name, this is a better song than the Red Hot Chilli Peppers ever managed to put out. Although it does owe a little debt to The Jim Carroll Band.

2. The answer is seen in each effort he makes.

"each effort". Chef from South Park, as voiced by Isaac Hayes, and his Number One hit...

Chef- Chocolate Salty Balls

1. Richy Rap? Nah.

Anagram!

And the only song I know that features both Salt and Pepper...

By The Way... Snapshots will be back next Saturday.

Saturday Snapshots #254

Here's something a little more interesting than spending Saturday morning staring out your Rear Window, hoping the neighbours might get into a fight.

Solve the clues below to reveal ten popular music stars... then work out what connects their songs. 

10. Unknown corpse.

9. Red, orange, yellow, green, Sandra Denton.

8. Mr. Raoul Chop.

7. Edward Kennedy: neither thin nor white... and certainly not a cowboy.

6. Found in Jacob Obama and Crewe Iron Man; also thankful to be gone.

5. Batter Dawson.

4. Son of a passenger.

3. What if the Beach Boys were a bunch of arses?

2. The answer is seen in each effort he makes.

1. Richy Rap? Nah.

If your head's spinning after all that... and it's not Vertigo... tune in tomorrow morning for the answers.